Sometimes

sometimes-saidaonline

1.) Sometimes, when I dance naked in my apartment and feel like the hottest man alive, I see myself in a mirror and understand there’s absolutely no truth to that thought.

2.) Sometimes, when I want to open a worm hole to suck in all the alt-right assholes who voted for Trump, and realize I can’t, I cry, very, very hard.

3.) Sometimes, when I want to stop the government from placing bugging devices in my apartment to infiltrate the intricate network of anti-government spying activity I control, I realize I do not control any such activity, and I cry, very, very hard.

4.) Sometimes, when I realize I haven’t written a post in over a week, and I write the first glop of stupid shit that pops into my head, I cry, very, very hard.

5.) Sometimes, I wish I could be a fascist dictator who could build walls around alt-right idiots who love racism, misogyny, and homophobia, but then I realize I can’t, so I cry, very, very hard.

6.) Sometimes when I get down over stupid shit that happens, like the Trump election, I tell myself, “It’ll all be fine.”  But then I realize it won’t, and I cry, very, very hard.

7.)  Sometimes I think our environment will be saved and continue to support human life, but then I realize, Trump’s gonna eliminate the EPA, and I cry, very, very hard.

8.) Sometimes I think I won’t lose my medical insurance because of the Trump win, but then I realize I will, and I cry, very, very hard.

9.) Sometimes I think working class white males aren’t so stupid as to vote into office a President who will do all he can to fuck them over, but then I realize I’m wrong, and I cry, very, very hard.

10.) Sometimes, when I realize I want to have a tenth thing to say but don’t, I cry, very, very hard.

 

Increase In Farting As US Election Draws Near

Farting Increases As US Election Draws Near

Farting Increases As US Election Draws Near

Colon City, Nebraska.   Scientists at NASA are reporting a worldwide increase in farting as the US Presidential election draws near.  “I was in Montreal yesterday,” said NASA scientist Billy “The Nebula” Sunspot.   “And the air there was so rancid from all the farting I thought I was going to lose my eyesight.   Every person I passed let out an enormous fart.  The same phenomena has been reported to be happening all over the globe.  People are afraid to leave their homes for fear they’ll pass out from the stench of the farts that they themselves are contributing to.   The only logical reason for this, we scientists at NASA  have concluded, is the gastrointestinal distress the citizens of the earth are experiencing due to the upcoming US election.   We can offer only this advice to a world of people suffering from constant farting and fart-induced nasal trauma: It’s almost over.  Two more days, and it’ll be finished.  So, just be patient, and soon, the world will return to place where people fart only occasionally and not all at once.”

Woman Claims Hillary Clinton Groped Her Email

Hillary Clinton About To Grope Her Some Email

Hillary Clinton About To Grope Some Email

Handsy Town, South Carolina.   A woman today, by the name of Beverly Titenheimer, said Hillary Clinton groped her email during a rally held here last month.   “I had my laptop out and was emailing a friend of mine,” Ms. Titenheimer said earlier, “when Secretary Clinton came down from the stage and grabbed it from me.  Her breath reeked of mint Tic Tacs and her hands were cold and clammy.  She groped, fingered, prodded and rubbed my email account until tears welled up in my eyes.  She then promptly said to me, ‘I can grope people’s email whenever I want and there’s nothing they can do about it because I’m famous.’  After that, she returned my laptop to me, walked back onto the stage, and gave a rousing speech about the cancer risks of using too much rub-on tanning solution.   This event has shattered my world, ended my life-long love of mint Tic Tacs, and taken away the wholesome purity of my virginal email.  May God have mercy on that woman’s soul for what she’s done to me.”

Jill Stein Says Election Rigged

Green Party Presidential Candidate, Jill Stein

Green Party Presidential Candidate, Dr. Jill Stein

New York, New York.  Green Party Presidential nominee, Jill Stein said today that the 2016 Presidential election is rigged.  “Damn straight it is,” Dr. Stein said earlier.  “Look, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will win this election.  Special interest groups, large corporations, and the static two-party American political system make it impossible for anyone BUT a Republican or a Democrat to win.  That’s as rigged as it gets, and it sucks.  So, here’s what’s gonna happen.  If I lose on November 8th, I will not accept the result.  I, and my dozens of followers, will stage a violent uprising that will make the French Revolution seem like a schoolyard brawl by comparison.  We will seize control of the U.S. Government and have both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton drawn and quartered on the front lawn of the White House.  It’s time for the people to take back America.  Revolution was good enough for George Washington, and, god dammit, it’s good enough for me.  Vote Stein on November 8th. Or else.”

Alex Jones’ Craziest Video Yet

My good pal, John Zande, whose blog The Superstitious Naked Ape  is a must read for all sensible humans, once mentioned to me, “Conservatives are awful at humor but great at conspiracies.”  Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Alex Jones video below.  Jones is an Alt-Right conspiracy lunatic who is the craziest son of bitch I’ve ever seen.  I laughed so hard watching this video I didn’t pee a little, I peed a lot.  It isn’t meant to be funny, but, goddamnit, it is.  Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8TyLGoiUwg

Trump Supporters In Action

I’ve very few words for this New York Times compilation video showing Trump supporters spewing hatred at his rallies over the past year.  I hope the GOP is proud of the Presidential candidate its voting base has elected.   I’ve issues with Hillary Clinton, many, but I seriously doubt people are shouting racial slurs, misogynistic rhetoric and threats to kill Mexican people and Trump, at her rallies.   This video is a must see.  What a shameful time to be an American.   VIEW VIDEO

Meet The New First Lady Of The United States: Melania Trump

First Lady Of The United States: Melanie Trump

First Lady Of The United States: Melania Trump

Donald and Melania Trump: classy, honest, highly intelligent, deeply conservative, proudly Christian, and the new image of the GOP.   And to think, Republicans once trashed Michelle Obama for wearing a sleeveless dress.  Way to go guys.  Way to go.