Colon City, Nebraska. Scientists at NASA are reporting a worldwide increase in farting as the US Presidential election draws near. “I was in Montreal yesterday,” said NASA scientist Billy “The Nebula” Sunspot. “And the air there was so rancid from all the farting I thought I was going to lose my eyesight. Every person I passed let out an enormous fart. The same phenomena has been reported to be happening all over the globe. People are afraid to leave their homes for fear they’ll pass out from the stench of the farts that they themselves are contributing to. The only logical reason for this, we scientists at NASA have concluded, is the gastrointestinal distress the citizens of the earth are experiencing due to the upcoming US election. We can offer only this advice to a world of people suffering from constant farting and fart-induced nasal trauma: It’s almost over. Two more days, and it’ll be finished. So, just be patient, and soon, the world will return to place where people fart only occasionally and not all at once.”
Idjit Town, Illinois. In news today that is, surprisingly, very believable, University of Chicago Political Science Professor, James Muthafker, released the results of a study he conducted over the past 78 years which proves, conclusively, that 89% of Americans believe Canada is located in South America. “The ignorance of Americans, as it pertains to geography, is horrible,” Professor Muthafker said earlier. “This study, which I conducted over the past 78 years, proves this. I asked hundreds of thousands of Americans, over almost 8 decades, where Canada was. 89% of them said it was, without question, in South America. Upon my telling them they were incorrect, and that Canada is, in fact, part of North America, 65% of those who gave the incorrect answer punched me in the face and cried out, How dare you claim America has someone in the North with it! You fuckin’ anti-American dog! Fuck you! Needless to say, after 78 years of this treatment and multiple broken noses, I decided to end the study and announce my results to the world. Now that I have, I’m going to retire to the South of France, which, ironically, IS in South America.”
Alberta, Canada. Canadian Citizen and Republican Presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, today said he had a powerful vision last night that ensured him he would not only become President of America in 2016, but Emperor of the world as well. “I was sitting in my 60 million dollar mansion, contemplating ways to efficiently kill poor people, gays, and liberals,” Mr. Cruz said, “when the GOP logo appeared and spoke to me. Here’s what it said.
Greetings, my Canadian, conservative, filthy rich friend. I’ve come to you to let you know, that because I’ve come to you, you now have the right to kill anyone who doesn’t think I actually came to you. Also, I’ve come to tell you, that because I’ve come to you, you will not only win the Presidency in 2016, you will conquer the world and become its first Emperor as well. To do this, you must use your vast riches to purchase a few hundred military drones, arm them with nuclear missiles, paint the GOP logo on them, and send them to annihilate the poorest countries of the world and all the gay neighborhoods in the U.S. Once you show the world and America what you’re all about, they’ll have no choice but to name you President and Emperor of the World. By this sign, my Canadian friend, you will conquer.
After that, the GOP logo vanished, and I started buying drones and nuclear missiles to conquer the world. Like it or not, I will be President and Emperor of the World in 2016. The GOP logo told me so.”