Crazy Shit I Can Do With My Mind

I Do Amazing, Crazy Shit With This

I Can Do Amazing, Crazy Shit With This

 

I can do amazing shit just using the power of my mind. I haven’t mentioned this until now because I’m pathologically modest and talking about my wonderful greatness is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I decided to write down some of the more wondrous things I’ve done, and can do, with my mind because I’m a firm believer in telling the truth about oneself whenever and wherever possible. I can thus assure you that every word I write, or have ever written, is absolutely and undeniably true. Every word of it. What benefit is there in making crazy shit up anyway? Now, without further ado, I give you a list of some of the crazy, amazing shit I’ve done, and can do, with the power of my mind.

1.) Yesterday I reached 165 million years into the past with the power of my cerebral cortex and caused the dinosaurs to go extinct.

I Did This

I Did This

2.) As I write this I’m sending the entire universe far into the future, one second at a time, just by thinking about it.

I'm Sending This Far Into The Future One Second At A Time

Into The Future We Go

3.) I’m currently preventing a zombie apocalypse by willing the dead to stay in their graves.

I'm Preventing This

I’m Keeping This From Happening

4.) I’m holding the building up across the street from me by simply thinking about it.

I'm Holding This Building Up Right Now

I’m Holding This Building Up Right Now

5.) I’m preventing millions of dogs from chasing millions of cats world-wide by telepathically sending them the message, “Be nice now, guys.”

I Keep Them Friends

I’m Keeping Them Friends

6.) I’m keeping the tectonic activity of the Earth active by channeling the power of my amygdala into the Earth’s core to keep it smokin’ hot.

I Keep This Cookin'

I’m Keepin’ This Baby Cookin’

7.) Lastly, I’m moving the water around in the oceans by imagining massive winds blowing over it.

I'm Doing This Right Now

I’m The Reason This Happens

Thank you for reading. Yours in humble modesty, The Arm Chair Pontificator.

Welcome To The First Ever Edition Of, What Would Hulk Do?

What Would Hulk Do?

What Would Hulk Do?

This is the first in a series of highly intelligent posts where I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, ask various Marvel and DC comic book superheroes one simple question: What Would Hulk Do? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, how fucking original. Mr. self-declared Nobel Prize winner thinks he’s clever by doing a silly ass take on the old, what would Jesus do bit. What a dork!” To those readers who are thinking this, all I can say is, you’re absolutely right!! So sit back and enjoy the completely useless shit my brain comes up with when I stay up too late watching naked stuff on the internet.

I asked the following question to 3 famous superheroes: The climate grows warmer each year because of human activity, and yet conservative groups, such as the Tea Party, refuse to accept this and do nothing to help the situation. What would Hulk do? Below are the names of each hero I asked and their individual responses.

  1. Spiderman:  Oh, that’s easy, he’d go into a Tea Party meeting, yell, “Hulk Smash!” and knock the building down around their ears. Then, later, he’d completely forget why he smashed the building down, and the remaining Tea Party members would carry on as if nothing had happened.
  2. Robin, The Boy Wonder: Why are you asking me this? Why? Do I look smart or cool to you? I’m 15 years old, and I’m wearing a red and yellow bathing suit with white tights.  I follow around a 45-year-old psychopath who’s taken it upon himself to beat the snot out of “bad guys.” How fucking stable does any of that sound to you? What Would Hulk Do? How the fuck would I know! I don’t know him. If you do, then ask HIM, you fuckin’ shit heal.

  3. Superman: What Would Hulk Do? Screw Hulk! How about, What would Superman do?! Well, I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna become a Conservative Christian’s worse nightmare and declare himself God. That’s what he’s gonna do. And I will fry any bastard who refuses to accept this with my heat vision. Global warming be damned! It will be an after thought once the world has me as its one and only God. Screw the Hulk. The damn pansy!

Fini, for now.

Christian Math

Bible Mathematics

I find Christian math to be strikingly lacking in verisimilitude.  Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Because 3 does not equal one. If I go to a store and wish to purchase 3 lollipops for .50 cents each, I expect my total cost for the lollipops to be $1.50.  However, to a card-carrying Christian, they would expect to pay only .50 cents for the 3 lollipops because, in their universe, 3 equals one. Christians proudly state theirs is a monotheistic religion, even though it really isn’t. They insist the 3 individual gods they worship are, in reality, just one god. They claim their all-powerful, tax exempt faith makes this true. It doesn’t. 3 lollipops are 3 lollipops. Never are 3 lollipops 1 lollipop, no matter how strongly one’s faith may say otherwise. To prove this point, I recently went to a 7/11 store and held 3 lollipops in my hand. I stared at them until I developed a very powerful faith that the 3 lollipops were just 1, and then I went to the cashier to pay for them. The cashier rang me up, and told me I owed 1.50 for the 3 lollipops because they were .50 cents each. My faith was unshaken by this, however, and I placed .50 cents on the counter and proceeded to walk toward the front door of the store. Before I could reach it, the cashier grabbed my arm and told me I owed him a dollar more because I was taking 3 lollipops and not just one. “No,” I told him,”I’m taking only one lollipop. Like the Christian god,” I continued, “the three lollipops in my hand are, in reality, just one lollipop in 3 parts. Thus, I’m paying only .50 cents.”

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

Surprisingly, the clerk did not believe me. I tried hard to make him share my faith that 3 equals one, but he would not budge on his belief that I had 3 lollipops in my hand and not one. I needed to pay for all of them or put 2 back, he said. My new-found faith was then totally shattered when he said he’d call the cops if I left with all three without paying for them. So, I’m now a firm believer that 3 does not equal one, no matter how strongly one wishes to believe otherwise. Christians are polytheists; their math is ridiculous, and it will get you into trouble if you use it in the real world. So don’t. $Amen$

Flush Toilets Invented By Aliens

An Obvious Alien Invention

An Alien Invention

In stunning news today, Betty Fibber, co-founder of the Conspiracy Party of America, announced that the flush toilet, as many had suspected, was indeed invented by aliens from another world. “As anyone with an I.Q. over ten can tell you,” Ms. Fibber stated, “the mechanism behind how flush toilets actually FLUSH is far beyond the capabilities of humans to comprehend. Thus, the only logical conclusion to be made is that they were created by aliens from outer space. For years now, my organization, the Conspiracy Party of America, has been working relentlessly to find some shred of believable, tangible evidence to prove this undeniable fact. Fortunately, we haven’t found it. I say fortunately because, as any conspiracy expert can tell you, the best evidence for the validity of an extraordinary claim is that there is no evidence for it at all. For example, how do we REALLY know space aliens built the pyramids? Because there isn’t a shred of tangible evidence they did. As well, how do we REALLY know George W. Bush ordered the attacks on 9/11 and murdered, in cold blood, over 3000 of his own citizens?  Because there isn’t a shred of evidence suggesting he did, or even could, carry out such a feat. That’s how.

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

No evidence IS evidence. Evidence that extraordinary explanations for real world events are not only true but that they are meticulously, and perfectly covered up by very powerful organizations that lurk in the shadows of our world just outside the reach of any proof they’re actually there. Thus, it is obvious to anyone aware of the REAL truth that is out there, that flush toilets were invented by a highly advanced alien race. Humans are just too bloody dumb to have done it themselves.”

Upcoming Movies For 2015

coming-in-2015We here at TACP have recently gotten into the movie producing business. We have several films in various stages of production that we plan on releasing in 2015. A few of them are listed and described below.

Barack Obama And The Temple of Doom: Plot: President Obama and his band of Howling Commandos invade the Tea Party’s Temple of Doom, AKA, the state of Texas, in search of the long-lost “Holy Grail Of Socialized Medicine.” If Barack and his boys recover the Grail before the Conservative Tea Party members can melt it down into buck shot, every American citizen will have equal access to quality health care; if not, things remain as they are, unfair, unequal, and shitty for the poor and unemployed. Staring President Obama and Governor Rick Perry as themselves. Directed by Stephen Spielberg.

President Obama In His Iconic Fedora

President Obama In His Iconic Fedora

The Odd Couple Redux: Plot: Old college buddies, Jesus, the Son of God and Richard Dawkins are kicked out of their homes by their respective spouses and are forced to live together in a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan in order to make ends meet. Hilarious adventures ensue as Jesus, a very anal retentive neat freak, tries to put up with atheist Dawkins’ sloppy lifestyle and blasphemous rants. It all comes to a riotous climax when Jesus discovers Dawkins in bed with his (Jesus’) ex-wife, Mary Magdalene. Staring Jesus Christ and Richard Dawkins as themselves and Miley Cyrus as Mary Magdalene. Directed by me, TACP.

A 21st Century Odd Couple

A 21st Century Odd Couple

Marvel’s Avengers: Age Of Cheney: Plot: The Avengers must fight their deadliest foe yet when former VP Dick Cheney reveals himself to be the villainous Doctor Doom and declares himself the sole ruler of the United States. Will even the combined might of Thor, Iron Man, The Hulk, and Captain America be enough to stop Cheney before he wipes the last liberal democrat in America from the face of the Earth? Staring Dick Cheney as Doctor Doom and The Avengers as themselves. Directed by Joss Whedon.

Dick Cheney Is The Evil Doctor Doom

Dick Cheney Is The Evil Doctor Doom

Pedophile Priests V Predator: Plot: The Vatican sends 8 pedophile rapist priests into space in order to protect them from legal prosecution for their crimes. The rapists’ joy at avoiding prosecution quickly dims, however, when they find their ship has landed on the home world of the Predator. It is now they who become the prey of a far older and more cunning predator than any of them ever dreamed of being during their days as child rapists. Staring: Pope Emeritus Benedict as “The Pope,” and The Predator as himself. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.

Pedophile Priests Are Now On This Guy's Kill List

Pedophile Priests Are Definitely On This Guy’s Kill List

Fini, for now.

An Interview With Chewbacca

Chewbacca's Passport Pic

Chewbacca: Moments After Being Groomed

I bumped into Chewbacca, of Star Wars fame, as he was exiting the dog grooming shop I was entering to get my dog, Roxy, groomed. I told him I was a big fan and would love to interview him for my blog. He agreed, and we talked for about an hour over pizza and beer. I present excerpts from our discussion below for your enjoyment. Rest be assured, every single word is true.

ACP: Let me say, Chewie, may I call you Chewie?

Chewbacca: ARRR! OORR! AHHRR!

ACP: OK. No problem. I get it. Only Han Solo can call you Chewie. No biggie, Chewbacca. Pizza’s good, isn’t it?

Chewbacca: OOHRR! AAARH! AHHRR!

ACP: Good. Glad you like it. Now, for my first question. Are you dating anyone at the moment, or are you single?

Chewbacca: AR! HARRR! RRRRR! RHAARR! RRRH!

ACP: No! Wait! Put me down! Ouch! You’re crushing my spine! I wasn’t hitting on you! Honest, I wasn’t. I was asking if you have a lady friend at the moment. Dude, you’re not my type. Inter-species gay sex just ain’t my bag, Chewbacca (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Now, please, just stop crushing my spine and set me back down. Thanks. Now, are you dating a FEMALE at the moment, either human or Wookie?

Chewbacca: RRRRH! WOORRR! AHHROOH! ARRRRGH! RRR!

ACP: I see, so you were dating a human woman, but she broke it off because you refused to get dewormed. Well, can’t say I blame her. Worms crawling out of your partner’s ass during sex would kinda f*ck up the moment. She just wanted to be sure that wasn’t going to happen, I suppose. Let’s move on to another question. What are your thoughts on the American political scene?

Chewbacca: AARRRRRHHH!!! RRRRRHHH!!! OOORRRR!!! UUURRRGH ARRUGHHO!

ACP: No, that isn’t a joke, America really does not have socialized medical coverage for its citizens. And I agree, Governor Rick Perry is indeed a lot like Emperor Palpatine. And, yes, I do suppose the entire state of Texas is very much like a land-based version of the Death Star. I know it seems like these things must be jokes to you, but trust me, they’re not. Unfortunately.

Chewbacca: RRRGH! OOGHRR?!

ACP: Christians? Yes, they, too, are unfortunately not a joke, and they are indeed just as annoying and self-righteous as they seem. They kinda make the Sith seem rather likable, wouldn’t you say? What I wouldn’t give for them to all go hide on Dagobah with Yoda and quite bugging me with their presence. Oh well, we can’t have everything, eh? But let’s get back to you. Why are you here, Chewbacca? What brought you to Earth at this time?

Chewbacca: RRRH! OOORRH! AAARGH! OOORRH! UUGHRRR!

ACP: Oh, right. You’re here filming Star Wars: Episode 7 with J.J. Abrams. Don’t know how I could’ve forgotten that. And you’re auditioning for this year’s American Idol, eh? Well, good luck to you with that. I understand you’ve got to get back to the set now for your big scene with Han Solo, but, if I’m not outta line for asking, could you take me with you as a guest? I’d love to see the next Star Wars movie being filmed.

Chewbacca: RRH! ARRRGH! OOOP!

ACP: OK. I get it. J.J. runs a closed set, and he’d be p*ssed if you showed up there with me in tow. No worries, big guy. It was a pleasure meeting and talking with you. Good luck with all your adventures here on Earth, Chewbacca, and thanks again. This was really cool. Bye now.

Chewbacca: RRRRGH!!!

Fini

 

President Declares, “The U.S. Military Is Broke”

broke

U.S. Military Is Completely Broke

“I’m as shocked as everyone else about this news,” President Obama said today, “but the U.S. simply can not afford to put another bullet in another gun anywhere at any time in the foreseeable future. Our military is, quite simply put, utterly and completely broke. Thus I’ve been forced to recall all military personnel from every place on the planet until we can collect enough money to send ‘em all back, armed and eager to kill for their country on command. Until then, America will have to focus on its own borders (with rocks and sticks if need be) and pray the Canadians and/or Mexicans do not take this opportunity to launch an invasion. I apologize to those Americans who’ve enjoyed expanding our interests overseas through the use of bombs, tanks, and drones, but we simply no longer have the money to pay for such things. On the bright side, however, Congress assures me, that, if every American cuts back on things like medicine, food, clothing, and their children’s educations, and donates the money instead to the military budget, we’ll be back to bombing and killing in the Middle East in almost no time at all. Remember, America, it’s the countries that pray together, and save together, that can best afford to bomb and kill together.”

No Longer Affordable

No Longer Affordable