The Buddha Is Keeping Nirvana
Peaceville, Nirvana. According to sources close to The Buddha, Disney today made an offer to buy Nirvana from him for an undisclosed amount, but The Buddha said, “No thanks.”
“Man, The Buddha is just not interested in money,” said Buddha spokesperson, Fr. Tom “Stiggy” Stigmata, who has lived in Nirvana for close to a thousand years now. “This guy is happy just sitting under a shady tree all day and listening to Beatles tunes. He loves it here. It’s his home. I know God just recently sold Heaven to Disney for like a trillion, billion dollars, and I’m not bashing him for it, but The Buddha worked too damn hard to just sell this place to Disney so they can turn it into an amusement park.”
The Buddha himself had no comment on the matter other than to politely decline the offer to be interviewed.
Is This Where Noah Set Free The Animals From His Ark?
Snorkelville, California. Dr. Dinkel “Dickie” Smalls, a Creationist Scientist, claims to have discovered the animals that Noah released from his Ark in the Biblical story. “Amazing,” said Dr. Smalls, “but as I was walking through something called ‘The San Diego Zoo’ yesterday, I noticed all sorts of animals were in it. There were lions, and tigers, and bears. Oh, my! And there were elephants, too! What are the probabilities of all these unique animals being in this one place if Noah hadn’t released them there? Zero, I tell you. Zero. This is proof, once and for all, that the Bible is a literal telling of reality, and all those not believing in it are silly goose eggs who will one day fry in the hell created for them by our All-loving God. Amen.”
The Hamburglar In Happier Times
Fat Town, USA. In shocking news today, Hamburglar, the well-known and long time McDonald’s Restaurant employee, was arrested on charges he’s been embezzling money from the company for years. “We started to suspect something wasn’t right when Hamburglar began showing up for work driving his very own car,” said McDonald’s spokesperson, Bert Benmeover. “There’s no way in hell one of OUR employees could afford to do that without being up to something illegal. So, Ronald McDonald spied on him one night after the store Hamburglar was working in closed. And, sure enough, Ronald saw him taking money from the register and pocketing it. Ronald had the thieving bastard arrested, but not before beating his ass almost to within an inch of his life. Ronald’s saying since his days in the hood has always been, rob from me, get your ass kicked to within an inch of your life. Most of us here at McDonald’s know and understand this and avoid pissing off the clown at all costs. Too bad Hamburglar had to learn it the hard way. Perhaps a few years breaking rocks on a chain gang down South will further teach the son of a bitch that stealing from Ronald McDonald is not a good idea. In the meantime, McDonald’s is currently looking for a juvenile, costumed jackass to take the place of Hamburglar. If you’re interested, email your resume, along with a photo of you in your costume, to firstname.lastname@example.org, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m able.”
Anti-Christ Tells Jesus, “Your Barn Door Is Open.”
Cheeky City, England. During a rehearsal today for his upcoming production of Hamlet, Jesus was warned by His brother, the Anti-Christ, that His fly was open. “Thank Myself he did that,” said The King of Kings, “I can just imagine how embarrassing it would have been to be in the middle of the To be or not to be speech and have people laughing cause my fly was wide open. Ugh! My brother gets a bad rap, but deep down, he’s a pretty good bloke. You just have to get to know him is all.”
Hamlet will open this June in Chicago with Jesus as Hamlet, Moses as Polonius, Mary Magdalene as Ophelia, Abraham as the Ghost, and the Anti-Christ as Laertes. Satan is rumored to be playing Claudius, though that has not yet been officially confirmed.
“The Pope Is Nothing Compared To The Dark Side Of The Force,” Says Darth Maul
“Jesus Wants Me To Fight Who?!” The Pope Asks His Cut Man.
Live! From The Vatican! This Friday! “Put your money where your faith is,” say the promoters of the UFC’s biggest fight yet! Who’s the toughest man of faith in town? Pope Francis- follower of Jesus Christ, or Darth Maul- follower of the Dark Side of the Force? Find out Friday when Christ’s earthly leader to a better tomorrow meets the Dark Side’s leader to a better right now in a battle TO THE DEATH!!!! Two men enter, one man leaves! FRIDAY! On HBO. Live From The Vatican Dining Room!! Be There!!! 8PM Central Time.
The following broadcast is rated “R”, for violence, language, and an extreme level of disembowelment. Those under 18 really shouldn’t watch.
Christ’s Most Recent Passport Photo
Britishville, England. In a stunning revelation today, Jesus, The Christ, revealed His true appearance to the world. “I should’ve done this centuries ago. White folks have had the silly idea for far too long that I’m a blue-eyed Anglo-Saxon dude. Nothing about that notion makes the least bit of sense,” Jesus said earlier. “White people really worry me sometimes. How many brain cells does it take to realize I could not look like a European white dude because I’m NOT one. I mistakenly assumed white people would figure this out on their own and stop painting pictures of Me looking like I just walked out of an Ingmar Bergman film. Since this apparently is never going to happen, I’ve decided to reveal My true appearance to the world. It’s time for the Anglicizing of My image to end. Amen. Hallelujah. And Praise be to Me!”