Lily-White City, California. True christian, Phil Urassup, said today that there is nothing more damaging to the true message of Christianity than Catholicism. “Let’s face it, people,” Mr. Urassup said earlier, “there isn’t anything even REMOTELY Christian about the Catholics. Where, for example, does it say in the Bible that to be saved by Jesus, you must first follow, and worship, the Pope? Where? Nowhere, that’s where. Also, Catholics are a silly, superstitious lot who pray to relics, wear crazy voodoo charms, like scapular medals, and kiss the rings of their clergy as a sign of respect. DISGUSTING, if you ask me. Thus, as a True Christian, I must say, Catholicism is, undeniably, a pathway to Hell, and not a pathway to Heaven. If you’re a Catholic, repent, and pray to Jesus to forgive you for professing such a vile, disgusting lie of a faith. If you can’t do that, at least profess your hatred of gays. It is well-known, by True Christians, that Jesus hates gays SO much, he just might forgive someone for being Catholic if their hatred of them is equal to, or greater than, his. May the all-encompassing love of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you in your attempts to earn God’s love and avoid the fires of Hell by being a True Christian. For now and forever, Amen.”
I am a man of
A man of
My head is held
When I walk
When I speak
And when I pray
Is with me
All around me
Tells me of my
Special place in
I need know
Nothing else but
Wants of me
Has set me
Has lifted me
Into the sky
So that I can carry out
Me from this
My actions as a
Silent Town, Oregon. An old mime friend of mine, Meme D. Mime, stopped by The Arm Chair Pontificator office yesterday to return a pen he borrowed from me in the 90’s. In order to prevent me from kicking his ass for taking so long to return it, Meme agreed to be interviewed for the site. The interview, completely unaltered from when I first made it up, follows below.
ACP: Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Meme. Though, I gotta tell ya, I’m still tempted to kick your ass for taking so long to return my pen. Just not cool dude. Pens aren’t easy to come by. What do you have to say for yourself?
ACP: Oh, don’t be a pussy, Meme. I’m just fuckin’ with you. Ya gotta lighten up a bit. You’ll give yourself a heart attack.
ACP: What? You want a hug? OK. Just this once, but don’t tell anyone. I’ve a reputation to uphold.
ACP: OK. You’re welcome. Now, let’s get back to the questions. Since I haven’t seen you in a few years, I was wondering, what have you been doing with yourself to make a living?
ACP: Really? You’ve been touring with the musical Cats playing Rum Tum Tugger? I had no idea you could sing. You’ve got to get me tickets next time you’re in town with the show. It’ll make up for the pen you took 20 years to return to me.
ACP: What do you mean you’ve got to think about that? You’re an a-hole, pal. You know that?
ACP: Oh, so you were just fuckin’ with me this time, eh? OK. You got me. You can have one more hug, but then ya probably should go. It’s gettin’ so sugary sweet in here I’m gettin’ a tooth ache.
ACP: You’re outta here, eh? OK, Meme. Good seeing you. Stop by again soon, and remember, get me tickets to Cats when you’re in town with the show. Bye now.
Cave City, Kentucky. Interesting news today comes to us from Anthropology Professor, Buddy Uptome of the University of Chicago. “I was walking in a wooded area of Kentucky, not far from a town filled with your average Homo Sapiens, when I came across a building called, The Creationist Museum,” Professor Uptome said earlier.
“I went inside, out of curiosity, and found the place to be crawling with Young Earth Creationists, a species of hominid known as Homo Stupidous Ignoramous, long thought to be extinct. This particular species of hominid has the same brain capacity and usage of its frontal lobes as regular Homo Sapiens. However, members of this species exhibit a narcissistic, willful, ignorance when it comes to science and learning about the world around them. Instead, this species of hominid deliberately chooses to believe the words of the Bible, a bronze age book which glorifies a homicidal, maniac of a god, are literally and undeniably true. Members of this species can usually be identified by their arrogant and self-righteous attitude when speaking of the Bible, and their Abraham Lincoln-like beards. (See photo below)
It is my recommendation, as an anthropologist and an average Homo Sapien, that you stay out of the woods of Kentucky and avoid Homo Stupidous Ignoramous at all costs. Its members are not only insulting to the intellect, they’re highly offensive in their deliberate attempts to convert you to their dangerously naive way of thinking. Also, they smell bad. These are things all normal, intelligent humans are better off without.”
Neanderthal Town, Washington. In news today that’s sure to wet the palates of Christian bigots everywhere, Grace Church Seattle has announced that it has opened it’s very own bakery. The bakery specializes in making cakes with a dancing version of Katy Faust’s butt frosted onto them.
Grace Church Seattle opened this bakery to help counter the horrifying attacks bakers the world over face every day from crazed gay people insisting they make cakes for them adorned with statues and the names of same-sex couples. What better way to fight back against these cruel, mindless, barbaric, homosexuals than by ordering a Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake from the Grace Church Seattle bakery? The proceeds from the sales of these cakes will be sent to the families of terrorized bakers across the globe to help them heal from the trauma gays have inflicted on them over the years by ordering same-sex couple cakes. Each Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake costs $55.98, including postage and handling. Order right now and receive a free box of Jesus Hates Fags cupcakes absolutely free, while supplies last. So, buy a cake. It’s what Jesus wants you to do.
Fiction City, Australia. While trashing gay marriage on the Australian TV show, QandA, last night, Katy Faust of Grace Church Seattle, an anti-gay, Christian church in Washington State, admitted she will be divorcing her husband, pastor and elder of Grace Church, Ryan Faust, because she has fallen madly in love with a kangaroo named Bouncy. “I never thought I would ever find an animal attractive, let alone fall in love with one,” Mrs. Faust said earlier, “but when I met Bouncy, while touring the Outback a few days ago, all of that changed. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. He’s able to jump, like, 6 feet into the air and use his hind legs to put a serious whippin’ on anyone who disagrees with me and my bigoted views on gay people and gay marriage.
The only real issue I had with Bouncy was that he was a Jew, and I find Jews to be almost as distasteful as I do gays. BLOODY CHRIST KILLERS! However, because he loves me so much, Bouncy agreed to convert to my particular sect of Christianity and has joined me in my worldwide campaign to stomp, get it stomp, out gay marriage wherever it rears its ugly head. So, wish us luck, and please, support us in our efforts to find acceptance in a world that, all too cruelly, shuns those who are different. Thanks, and have a hoppin’ day.”
Faustshire, Washington. Grace Church Seattle, that gay-hating congregation of loving Christians lead by Ryan Faust and his beautifully bigoted wife, Katy, has released a brand new, Christian oriented board game called, Chase The Homos Around The Globe. Proceeds from sales of the game will be used to help the Fausts travel the world and spew their hatred for LGBT people everywhere. The game is designed to be played by five Christ-loving Christian bigots, and one unlucky homosexual. It comes with a game board designed to resemble a world map, five white Christian playing pieces that look like Republican Presidential Candidate, Ted Cruz, and one homosexual game piece that resembles the Christian playing pieces only it’s pink.
The game starts with the five Christian pieces in the center of the board, or “Heaven”. The homosexual player piece can be placed on any continent the gay player chooses to place it. The Christian players then roll a die, and move that many places toward the continent the homosexual player’s piece is on. Each place the Christian players land on the board has an anti-gay slogan or a Bible verse written on it. They’re to read the saying in a taunting way at the homosexual player each time they move their piece. The game is over once all five Christian players arrive on the continent with the homosexual player’s piece, or when all of the anti-gay slogans and Bible verses have been read. The homosexual player can then either chose to admit homosexuality is a sin and be baptized into Christ’s Church, or they can try their luck with the game again by moving their playing piece to another continent and shouting, “Do over!” Either way, the five Christian players win, and they always will. It’s what God wants.
The cost of the game is 24.95, and, like was said earlier, all proceeds from the sales of it go to help Katy Faust and her homophobic husband spread their particular brand of Christian hate and bigotry across the globe. Buy now, and receive a, Grace Church Seattle Hates Fags, T-Shirt absolutely free, while supplies last.