Flush Toilets Invented By Aliens

An Obvious Alien Invention

An Alien Invention

In stunning news today, Betty Fibber, co-founder of the Conspiracy Party of America, announced that the flush toilet, as many had suspected, was indeed invented by aliens from another world. “As anyone with an I.Q. over ten can tell you,” Ms. Fibber stated, “the mechanism behind how flush toilets actually FLUSH is far beyond the capabilities of humans to comprehend. Thus, the only logical conclusion to be made is that they were created by aliens from outer space. For years now, my organization, the Conspiracy Party of America, has been working relentlessly to find some shred of believable, tangible evidence to prove this undeniable fact. Fortunately, we haven’t found it. I say fortunately because, as any conspiracy expert can tell you, the best evidence for the validity of an extraordinary claim is that there is no evidence for it at all. For example, how do we REALLY know space aliens built the pyramids? Because there isn’t a shred of tangible evidence they did. As well, how do we REALLY know George W. Bush ordered the attacks on 9/11 and murdered, in cold blood, over 3000 of his own citizens?  Because there isn’t a shred of evidence suggesting he did, or even could, carry out such a feat. That’s how.

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

No evidence IS evidence. Evidence that extraordinary explanations for real world events are not only true but that they are meticulously, and perfectly covered up by very powerful organizations that lurk in the shadows of our world just outside the reach of any proof they’re actually there. Thus, it is obvious to anyone aware of the REAL truth that is out there, that flush toilets were invented by a highly advanced alien race. Humans are just too bloody dumb to have done it themselves.”

Upcoming Movies For 2015

coming-in-2015We here at TACP have recently gotten into the movie producing business. We have several films in various stages of production that we plan on releasing in 2015. A few of them are listed and described below.

Barack Obama And The Temple of Doom: Plot: President Obama and his band of Howling Commandos invade the Tea Party’s Temple of Doom, AKA, the state of Texas, in search of the long-lost “Holy Grail Of Socialized Medicine.” If Barack and his boys recover the Grail before the Conservative Tea Party members can melt it down into buck shot, every American citizen will have equal access to quality health care; if not, things remain as they are, unfair, unequal, and shitty for the poor and unemployed. Staring President Obama and Governor Rick Perry as themselves. Directed by Stephen Spielberg.

President Obama In His Iconic Fedora

President Obama In His Iconic Fedora

The Odd Couple Redux: Plot: Old college buddies, Jesus, the Son of God and Richard Dawkins are kicked out of their homes by their respective spouses and are forced to live together in a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan in order to make ends meet. Hilarious adventures ensue as Jesus, a very anal retentive neat freak, tries to put up with atheist Dawkins’ sloppy lifestyle and blasphemous rants. It all comes to a riotous climax when Jesus discovers Dawkins in bed with his (Jesus’) ex-wife, Mary Magdalene. Staring Jesus Christ and Richard Dawkins as themselves and Miley Cyrus as Mary Magdalene. Directed by me, TACP.

A 21st Century Odd Couple

A 21st Century Odd Couple

Marvel’s Avengers: Age Of Cheney: Plot: The Avengers must fight their deadliest foe yet when former VP Dick Cheney reveals himself to be the villainous Doctor Doom and declares himself the sole ruler of the United States. Will even the combined might of Thor, Iron Man, The Hulk, and Captain America be enough to stop Cheney before he wipes the last liberal democrat in America from the face of the Earth? Staring Dick Cheney as Doctor Doom and The Avengers as themselves. Directed by Joss Whedon.

Dick Cheney Is The Evil Doctor Doom

Dick Cheney Is The Evil Doctor Doom

Pedophile Priests V Predator: Plot: The Vatican sends 8 pedophile rapist priests into space in order to protect them from legal prosecution for their crimes. The rapists’ joy at avoiding prosecution quickly dims, however, when they find their ship has landed on the home world of the Predator. It is now they who become the prey of a far older and more cunning predator than any of them ever dreamed of being during their days as child rapists. Staring: Pope Emeritus Benedict as “The Pope,” and The Predator as himself. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.

Pedophile Priests Are Now On This Guy's Kill List

Pedophile Priests Are Definitely On This Guy’s Kill List

Fini, for now.

An Interview With Chewbacca

Chewbacca's Passport Pic

Chewbacca: Moments After Being Groomed

I bumped into Chewbacca, of Star Wars fame, as he was exiting the dog grooming shop I was entering to get my dog, Roxy, groomed. I told him I was a big fan and would love to interview him for my blog. He agreed, and we talked for about an hour over pizza and beer. I present excerpts from our discussion below for your enjoyment. Rest be assured, every single word is true.

ACP: Let me say, Chewie, may I call you Chewie?

Chewbacca: ARRR! OORR! AHHRR!

ACP: OK. No problem. I get it. Only Han Solo can call you Chewie. No biggie, Chewbacca. Pizza’s good, isn’t it?

Chewbacca: OOHRR! AAARH! AHHRR!

ACP: Good. Glad you like it. Now, for my first question. Are you dating anyone at the moment, or are you single?

Chewbacca: AR! HARRR! RRRRR! RHAARR! RRRH!

ACP: No! Wait! Put me down! Ouch! You’re crushing my spine! I wasn’t hitting on you! Honest, I wasn’t. I was asking if you have a lady friend at the moment. Dude, you’re not my type. Inter-species gay sex just ain’t my bag, Chewbacca (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Now, please, just stop crushing my spine and set me back down. Thanks. Now, are you dating a FEMALE at the moment, either human or Wookie?

Chewbacca: RRRRH! WOORRR! AHHROOH! ARRRRGH! RRR!

ACP: I see, so you were dating a human woman, but she broke it off because you refused to get dewormed. Well, can’t say I blame her. Worms crawling out of your partner’s ass during sex would kinda f*ck up the moment. She just wanted to be sure that wasn’t going to happen, I suppose. Let’s move on to another question. What are your thoughts on the American political scene?

Chewbacca: AARRRRRHHH!!! RRRRRHHH!!! OOORRRR!!! UUURRRGH ARRUGHHO!

ACP: No, that isn’t a joke, America really does not have socialized medical coverage for its citizens. And I agree, Governor Rick Perry is indeed a lot like Emperor Palpatine. And, yes, I do suppose the entire state of Texas is very much like a land-based version of the Death Star. I know it seems like these things must be jokes to you, but trust me, they’re not. Unfortunately.

Chewbacca: RRRGH! OOGHRR?!

ACP: Christians? Yes, they, too, are unfortunately not a joke, and they are indeed just as annoying and self-righteous as they seem. They kinda make the Sith seem rather likable, wouldn’t you say? What I wouldn’t give for them to all go hide on Dagobah with Yoda and quite bugging me with their presence. Oh well, we can’t have everything, eh? But let’s get back to you. Why are you here, Chewbacca? What brought you to Earth at this time?

Chewbacca: RRRH! OOORRH! AAARGH! OOORRH! UUGHRRR!

ACP: Oh, right. You’re here filming Star Wars: Episode 7 with J.J. Abrams. Don’t know how I could’ve forgotten that. And you’re auditioning for this year’s American Idol, eh? Well, good luck to you with that. I understand you’ve got to get back to the set now for your big scene with Han Solo, but, if I’m not outta line for asking, could you take me with you as a guest? I’d love to see the next Star Wars movie being filmed.

Chewbacca: RRH! ARRRGH! OOOP!

ACP: OK. I get it. J.J. runs a closed set, and he’d be p*ssed if you showed up there with me in tow. No worries, big guy. It was a pleasure meeting and talking with you. Good luck with all your adventures here on Earth, Chewbacca, and thanks again. This was really cool. Bye now.

Chewbacca: RRRRGH!!!

Fini

 

President Declares, “The U.S. Military Is Broke”

broke

U.S. Military Is Completely Broke

“I’m as shocked as everyone else about this news,” President Obama said today, “but the U.S. simply can not afford to put another bullet in another gun anywhere at any time in the foreseeable future. Our military is, quite simply put, utterly and completely broke. Thus I’ve been forced to recall all military personnel from every place on the planet until we can collect enough money to send ‘em all back, armed and eager to kill for their country on command. Until then, America will have to focus on its own borders (with rocks and sticks if need be) and pray the Canadians and/or Mexicans do not take this opportunity to launch an invasion. I apologize to those Americans who’ve enjoyed expanding our interests overseas through the use of bombs, tanks, and drones, but we simply no longer have the money to pay for such things. On the bright side, however, Congress assures me, that, if every American cuts back on things like medicine, food, clothing, and their children’s educations, and donates the money instead to the military budget, we’ll be back to bombing and killing in the Middle East in almost no time at all. Remember, America, it’s the countries that pray together, and save together, that can best afford to bomb and kill together.”

No Longer Affordable

No Longer Affordable

 

Tea Party To Offer An Online Bigotry Course

Take Our Online Bigotry Course & Be The Best Bigot You Can Be!

Take Our Online Bigotry Course. Be The Best Bigot You Can Be!

(The following advertisement was paid for by the Republican Committee to impeach President Obama for his devout Muslim and atheist beliefs.)

Are you a white liberal who’s grown tired of the same old leftist agenda day in and day out? Have you accepted Jesus as your lord and savior and now have a deep disdain for gays and women who believe they actually have a right to their own bodies? Do you feel it is your god given right to shoot any black, teenage hoodie wearer who takes more than 30 seconds to pass through your neighborhood? If you answered yes to any of these questions, the new Tea Party online bigotry course is just the thing for you. With the online Tea Party bigotry course, you will learn how to conceal your true disdain for minorities, gays, atheists, and evolutionary biologists behind a veneer of fancy suits, big cars, religious gibberish, and large, fake smiles. We will also teach you how to hire illegal Hispanic laborers for only a quarter a day while, at the same time, publicly feign outrage at the porous nature of our Southern most borders.

Sign up now for the Tea Party online bigotry course and receive a free copy of Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” along with two free “Jesus Hates Fags, Jews, and Liberals” T-Shirts. Become the bigot you’ve always wanted to be. Go to TeaPartyAin’t4Fags.com to sign up today. You’ll be glad you did. And so will your mother.

 

Religion And Sex

But I'm Always Right

But It Happens To Be Right!

I’m an atheist. I see no more evidence for the existence of gods than I see for big foot, mermaids, or little green aliens that arrive at night to fondle people’s genitals then vanish without leaving the tiniest piece of evidence they were ever there. Religion makes me angry. Enraged actually. Why? Because it is a damaging, destructive, perverse “thing” that is treated with deference, blind respect, and kid gloves where ever and whenever it rears its fucked up head. What finally made me come out of the proverbial closet about my atheism was and still is the sickening and abominable attitudes of the Abrahamic religions towards women, gays, and sex in general. I will limit this post to my opinions on the Catholic Church because I was raised Catholic and spent most of my adult life working in one capacity or another for the Archdiocese of Chicago. Thus, I feel my opinion is most valid when it comes to Catholicism, though my opinion on the destructive nature of religion holds true for Islam and many sects of Judaism as well. But those religions I’ll leave for another day.

For centuries, the Roman Catholic Church has been a breeding ground for little boy rapist priests. As if that weren’t bad enough, The Church, as an institution, repeatedly hides these rapists, if caught, by moving them from the parish where they’ve been caught to another, unsuspecting parish, far away from it. This allows the pedophile rapists to have access to yet more unsuspecting little boys to molest, abuse, and rape. The Church, as an institution, has never been called out on this in a large, public forum, and, regardless of its claims to the contrary, its policy on how it handles accused pedophile rapist priests is the same today as it’s always been. They are removed from the parish where they’ve been accused and placed “elsewhere” until the matter can be “looked into.” No one but the Church knows where they’re sent, and the new community they are sent to is not warned an accused pedophile rapist has just arrived. In spite of this, the Church is still treated with special deference by millions upon millions of people solely because the men who make it up say they are empowered by an all-knowing invisible being whom they claim gives them the right to pass their perverse sense of morality onto others. To this I say, “Bullshit.”

A belief in an invisible guy that is outwardly expressed by condemning the sexual behavior of consenting adults on said invisible guy’s authority is something that should cause those expressing it to feel shame and utter humiliation, not righteous justification. Just replace the name Jesus with Peter Pan, and you’ll get my drift here. There is no more evidence that Peter Pan exists in an invisible realm and is dictating human morality to his high priests than there is for Jesus existing and doing the same thing for his. The Catholic Church was founded for and by men. It favors men. It places men above women, and it seeks to control women by telling them that it, and not they, have the right to what they can and can not do with their own bodies. The men who make up this church are sexually repressed and sick. Yet, they continue to receive deferential treatment, and are granted tax-exempt status on what amounts to nothing more than a multi-billion dollar entertainment/brainwashing industry. To top this all off, the Vatican is, as it has been for several centuries, a nation unto itself.

I'm A Real Too!

I’m A Deity Too!

The Vatican is a sovereign state: it answers to no one but itself. Thus, the records of its criminal activities remain locked safely in its vaults, and no one can view them without its permission. “Frontline,” a PBS news program produced here in the U.S. aired an episode entitled, “Secrets of the Vatican,” a few months ago. I recommend it to anyone who feels my condemnation of the criminal activities of the Holy See is unwarranted. The sick, perverse behavior of the Holy See is far worse than my angry mind ever imagined. That this fact does not produce deep shame in individuals saying, “I’m Catholic,” saddens me. And that the Catholic Church can then fight to deny gay couples the right to wed; fight to make a woman’s right to her own body illegal, and fight to keep insurance companies from covering birth control products sickens me to the core of my being. The audacity of these sexually perverted, sick, twisted men is stunning. How dare they point fingers and condemn the sexual behavior of consenting adults when the very core of their institution reeks from the crimes of pedophile rapists and those who hide them? How dare they! And what gives them the supposed right to do this? A belief in an invisible deity who inspired men to write a hate-filled piece of tripe called “the Bible.” In my view, if evil exists in this world, it exists in the behavior of the men who make up the hierarchy of the Catholic Church. I throw my biased blanket of opinion over all of them the same way they throw theirs over all gay people, transgendered people, and those competent adults who just like to fuck because it feels good. The difference between them and me is that I claim no justification from an invisible guy for my opinions. My opinions are mine alone, and I base them on what I see as right and wrong, not on what some invisible guy tells me.

Catholic Church!

Catholic Church!

I do not believe in violence, but I do believe that putting blame where it belongs is a good thing. I also believe that the only way to diffuse the differential treatment a religious organization like the Catholic Church receives is by calling it out for what it is: an institution founded by men who claim invisible, unprovable beings give them the right to point fingers at the behavior of mature, consenting adults while they harbor and raise pedophile rapist priests like a nation raises armies to defend its boarders. Shame is what one should feel whenever they defend such an institution, cold, icy shame. The Church teaches millions to be ashamed of their sexual feelings and the way they express them. I say it is time to teach those who make up the Church it is they who need to feel shame for being the misogynistic, pedophile rapist cowards they truly are. Once this becomes the mind-set of more and more people, the moral finger-pointing in the name of an invisible guy will whither and fade away into memory; then perhaps humanity can finally say it is starting to grow up.

 

Yoda & Ken Ham Discuss Marvel’s Guardians Of The Galaxy

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity Is A Religion

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity & Religion Are One

Yoda dropped by the Creation Museum the other day to discuss Marvel’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” with its owner, Ken Ham. Below is a word for word transcript of their conversation. Enjoy.

Ken: Welcome, Yoda. Glad you could come by. However, and I hate to be a party pooper, I must insist you come down off that T-Rex statue. It is a very expensive piece of Museum property, and I really do not want it contaminated by a non-believer like you touching it.

Yoda: Sorry I am. Down I will come. But non-believer, I am not. Powerful I am. For my ally is the Force. Surrounds us it does. Judge us, it does not. Guide you it will. If listen to it, you do.

Ken: BLASPHEMER! ATHEIST DOG! How dare you speak of any force but the Bible? How dare you speak of any power but that of our lord, Jesus Christ! How dare you say you come from a galaxy far, far away when no galaxies exist but this 6000 year old one. And lastly, how dare you stand there munching on a candy bar while I’m teaching you the only dogma of truth there is: mine!

Yoda Is An Atheist & A Demon

Ken Ham Says: Yoda Is An Atheist Dog

Yoda: Angry you are. Great hate I sense in you. Strong you will become in the Dark Side, if down this path you continue. But digress, I do. For a movie it is I’ve come to discuss. “Guardians of the Galaxy” it is, and fun it was to see. Away from reality it took me. Enjoyed it greatly, I did. See it, did you? Like it, did you?

Ken: See it, did I? What kind of atheistic, devil-spawned speech pattern of a spell are you trying to cast on me, my little green friend? A movie you want to discuss with me, eh? A movie about demons and stars and sexual deviancy, that’s what that movie is. It’s an evil film that mocks the one true lord, Jesus Christ, by failing to mention the glory of his ways even once. It is a movie that subliminally advocates homosexual marriage, abortion, and liberal, democratic view points. And these things I know about it from having just seen the previews. I refuse to see such a piece of filth in its entirety. You enjoyed it only because you are a hell-born demon and not a Christian genius of the modern world, like me. THAT is what I think of your movie, demon-spawn!

Yoda: Thumbs Up Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Thumbs Up
Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Crazy, you are. Grounded in reality, you are not. If the Dark Side I practiced, kill you I would. Lucky you are. For my way is the way of the Force. Calm it makes me. Open to reason, I am. This is the way of the Jedi. This is the way of the Force. So leave you, I will. Discuss with you movies, I will not. Sorry, I am, for wasting your time. Go now, I will. Peace I hope you find. May the Force be with you. (Yoda disappears into the Force)

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Ken: DEMON!! Devil from Hell! Disappearing in front of me before accepting Jesus as your lord and savior and before donating money to my tax-exempt museum! Heathen! Monster! Little green dude! Goodbye! Do not return. I will not discuss any movie again with anyone unless they share my Creationist beliefs and the movie we discuss is “The Passion of the Christ”. Goodbye from the Creation Museum, and always remember, gays are evil, and Jesus loves everyone. Amen