Nome, Alaska. A Christian apologist named Stanley Clueless today said he was very sorry for all the years he wasted being a chowder head. “I’d like to apologize to my wife, Cindy, my daughter, Bertha, and our pet turtle, Clyde, for wasting not only my time, but theirs in my attempts to make the blithering nonsense that is in the Christian Bible seem logical and true all these years,” a tear-filled Mr. Clueless said. “It dawned on me this morning that it would make more sense if I tried to rationally explain the true existence of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, and The Hulk, than to continue my attempts at rationalizing just how true and real the stories from the Bible are. So, that’s what I’m now going to do. I’ve decided to become the world’s first Superhero Apologist. Wish me luck. I’ve a lot of work ahead of me, but, at least I know, deep down inside, I’m no longer a chowder head. Amen.”
Ken Ham, curator of The Creation Museum in Kentucky and young Earth advocate, said today that he was, in fact, the Lindbergh baby all grown up. “I know what heathen skeptics and Satan-spawn atheists are going to say about this fact,” Mr. Ham said. “They’ll say I’m not old enough to be the Lindbergh baby, and that his remains were found decomposing in the woods near the Lindbergh home some eighty plus years ago. Well, to these savage, non-believing baboons, I say, fudge off. You are wrong. Anything can be true to those who have faith in its reality. Anything at all. So, not only is the universe only 6000 years old, I’m also the Lindbergh baby, all grown up and sporting an Abraham Lincolnesque beard. Those who have faith, the faith I tell them they should have, can see this undeniable truth quite clearly. Put that in your skeptic’s pipe and smoke it, you evil, skeptical, atheist heathens. And always remember, Jesus loves everyone, except gay men and you.”
Here’s a list of crazy shit I think about because, well, I’m crazy.
1.) How do the people of Humpty Dumpty’s species mate without breaking?
2.) How can theists claim, with absolute certainty, that a god or gods exist when I, being an atheist, can not claim, with absolute certainty, they do not? BTW, I also can not claim, with absolute certainty, that Superman doesn’t really exist, though I highly doubt it.
3.) If theists are so confident in a beautiful afterlife, why fear death and fight to stay alive? Hell, if I knew I had paradise waiting for me, with absolute certainty, I’d be eager to die, and happy to get cancer. Perhaps, just perhaps, deep down, we all instinctively know this is it, and we are all afraid to die because we know this. Perhaps. 4.) Did Elmer Fudd’s parents speak like him, or did he develop his particular speech impediment as he grew up? Does his desire to kill rabbits cause it, perhaps, or did he inherit it genetically from his parents? A nature vs nurture question in its purest form.
5.) If Bugs Bunny had a fist fight with Woody Woodpecker, who’d win? My bets are on Woody. He’d peck Bugs’ eyes out.
That’s all for now. Have a pleasant day, and remember, it’s always darkest just before the lights come on. Hallelujah!
It’s not so much that
There’s a right or wrong
But that there’s a
When there’s a permeability
To what is
Then what is
Pours into what is
Confuse what is
For what is
It isn’t that
Are right, and
And it is wonderfully OK for
To not be, at all, like
While I was contemplating how exactly Dunkin Donuts was able to get granulated sugar to stick so successfully to the doughnut I was eating, I heard a knock at my back door. I opened it to find a god standing there who said his name was Ugh and he wanted me to interview him for my site. I, being the god-loving atheist I am, agreed. Here is the interview. I hope you find it enlightening, and I hope you believe me when I tell you, every word of it is absolutely true.
ACP: Well, Ugh, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve never heard of you before. I only recognized you as a god because of your tunic and your glowing mustache. Tell me a little bit about yourself to get us started. For example, what type of rules do you have for those who worship you?
Ugh: Rules? Ain’t got any. Don’t give a shit about ‘em. Don’t give a shit about anything, really.
ACP: Wow. Never heard of a god who didn’t give a shit about anything. But, if that’s really the case, why did you want to do this interview with me? You sought me out, remember? Before, like, 5 minutes ago, I never even knew you existed.
Ugh: My mother made me do it. Said I needed to start giving a shit about things because, well, I’m a god, damn it. She thought being interviewed would help me focus on what I really wanted out of life.
ACP: Your mom told you to ask me to interview you? That’s a new one. Live and learn, eh? What’s your mom’s name?
ACP: Her name is Thud?
Ugh: Yes. Asshole. Do you have a problem with my mom’s name?
ACP: No. Not at all. Who am I, a mere atheist, to question a real god about his mom’s name. If I may ask, while we’re on the topic, what’s your father’s name?
ACP: Interesting. Your folks sound like a comic book panel. But that’s cool. Are they gods of anything in particular? You know, like Thor’s the god of thunder kinda thing, and Venus is the goddess of love?
Ugh: No. They’re just average, run of the mill, gods. Dad works in a nebula in the Andromeda galaxy making stars, and mom just stays at home all day watching her “picture shows” on the tellie. Mom’s just worried bout me cause every time she asks what I want to do with my life, I tell her I don’t give a shit. Cause I don’t.
ACP: Well, you seem to at least give a shit about doing what she asks you to do because you’re doing this interview. That’s a start at least. Maybe, in time, you’ll find a good niche to give a really big shit about? Wadda ya think?
Ugh: Maybe. Sounds stupid though. But who knows. Anyway, I gotta go meet my girlfriend on Neptune. You’d like her. She doesn’t give a shit about anything either. Could you please just give me a note to give my mom so she knows I was really here? She’ll think I’m lying otherwise.
ACP: Sure thing, Ugh, and grab a doughnut for the road. It’s really cool how the sugar granules stick to ‘em without any tape or anything. Hey, before you go, could you tell me your girlfriend’s name?
Ugh: Sure, it’s Burp. Thanks for the note. I appreciate it. Maybe I’ll stop by again sometime and you can interview me some more. Maybe.
ACP: Cool. Be sure to bring Burp with you. I’d love to meet her. See you later, and thanks for coming by.
Here are a few pics of some historical mother fuckers who really bother the shit outta me. I thought I’d share them with my readers, being the nice fella I am.
1.) Ever wonder why child abuse is so rampant in our society? The fella pictured below, and his made up deity, are two of the main reasons.
2.) This next fella, I really hated when he was alive. And ya know what? Now that he’s been dead for a few years, I STILL hate him.
3.) Next up is a guy you can’t help but despise. I know I do. He was the Nazis head of media propaganda and a class “A” mother fucking waste of DNA.
4.) And to complete today’s list of truly rotten, stinkin’ mother fuckers, I offer you the 5 MEN who recently made Hobby Lobby and Christianity more important than women’s sexual health here in the good ole U.S. of A. I hate these pricks most of all. They should know better this. Really, they should.