Letters To TACP

letters2Here are some letters TACP has received and my responses to them. I hope they enlighten and enrich your lives as much as they have mine.

1.) Dear Fungus Face: You suck. Why do you suck? Well, let me tell you. You suck because you are not a Christian and you are a stupid dummy. That is why you suck. Oh, and you also suck because you think you are funny but you are just a person who hates Jesus and loves gays. See? You suck. Sincerely, Elizabeth Cleavage, Baton Rouge, Louisianan

Ms. Cleavage: Thanks for clarifying for me that I suck. You sound like a bright, cheerful person who has plenty of love to share with the world. I’m certain Jesus has a special place for you in his heart. I hope that, if you have children, you are teaching them not to suck because, take it from me, you wouldn’t want anyone writing them letters telling them they suck. It can be quite an unpleasant experience. Love, TACP

2.) My dearest ACP, for me, you are the very definition of a man. You are smart beyond human comprehension and your love-making skills are unparalleled. When I think of you my heart flutters, my knees weaken, and my loins become moist. You are, to me, a god made flesh.  Thank you for allowing me to worship and please you with my mind, body, and soul. Love always, Angelina Jolie, Los Angeles, California

Angelina, thanks for writing. How are Brad and the kids? Hope you haven’t mentioned our little weekend liaisons to them. Brad has SUCH a temper! I wouldn’t want to have to kick his ass, again. Anyway, see you soon. Love, TACP  P.S. I forgot to tell you this, but last time you spent the night, I think I may have I accidentally used your toothbrush. Sorry bout that kiddo.

3.) Dear asshole!!! Where’s the 50 bucks you owe me from our pool game last Saturday? Pay up or spend eternity in Hell. Love always, Jesus, Heaven

Jesus, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot. I promise I’ll pay you next week. Please forgive me. Amen, TACP

 

That’s all for now folks!

Thor To File Harassment Suit Against Hulk

An Angry Thor Tired Of Hulk Questioning His Sexual Orientation

An Angry Thor Tired Of Hulk Questioning His Sexual Orientation

Hulk Laughing After Calling Thor A Golden Haired Girly Boy

Hulk Laughing After Calling Thor A Golden Haired Girly Boy

Mighty Thor today announced that he will be filing a personal harassment suit against The Incredible Hulk sometime next week. “That green bastard has been prank calling me and sending me anonymous derogatory letters for months now,” the God of Thunder said. “In the last month alone I’ve received 20 crayon scribbled letters with multiple spelling and grammatical errors in them questioning my sexual orientation and my penis size. In addition to this, almost nightly, I receive 3 or 4 prank phone calls from someone with a growling deep voice calling me a girly boy and a sissy. It’s Hulk. He knows it and I know it. I’m a god, damn it! I won’t put up with this kind of silliness. It isn’t funny! I’ve asked him to stop, and he won’t, so next week I’m filing suit to make him stop. We’ll see who’s laughing then my jade skin pal, won’t we?”

In Foxholes

ww1-dead-soldiers

There are cries and prayers in foxholes

To gods

That do not listen

Because

They are not there

 

In the center of all

Men about to

Die

There burns an ember of

Fear

 

Fear in the

Knowledge that this

Life

Is all

And once it passes

There is no more

 

In foxholes,

Where men cry out to

Gods that do not listen

Because

They are not there,

The sound of death

Is feared

 

Because

Once it is

Heard,

All men in foxholes know,

Inside,

There are no more

Sounds left

To be heard

 

All men in foxholes

Know and fear

This truth:

The end

Is really,

The end

Somewhere

somewhere

 

Somewhere in the darkness is a demon growling deep

Growling fiercely, growling coarsely

In the darkness, while you sleep

 

Somewhere in a chamber sleeps a maiden free of fright

Sleeping gently, sleeping sweetly

In the darkness of the night

 

Somewhere in the darkness a demon comes upright

It slithers to the chamber

Where the maiden sleeps this night

 

“Awake my darling maiden,” says the demon with a smile

“I want to hear you screaming

As your chasteness I beguile”

 

The maiden quivers coldly as she wakens from her sleep

She gazes at the demon with its eyes so dark and deep;

Then shouts out to her savior

“Oh, Lord, my soul please keep”

 

Somewhere in the darkness is a beacon shining light

Shining brightly, shining whitely

In the darkness of the night

 

Somewhere from the beacon comes a knight bedight in white

He rides upon a stallion with sinews steely tight

He leaps into the chamber with the maiden filled with fright

And cries out to the demon

“It’s now me you’ll have to fight”

 

The demon howls with laughter then utters out a cry

“Come at me if you have to, for I can never die”

Then the beacon rises swiftly, rises swiftly in the night

It shines onto the demon with its purifying light

 

The demon slithers quickly, slithers quickly from the light

It slithers out a window and back into the night

Then gazes sternly upward, sternly upward toward the knight

 

“This maiden whom you’ve rescued, rescued here tonight

Will be mine tomorrow, tomorrow come the night

I’ll come before your beacon, your beacon and its light

Ever rises from its slumber, its slumber from the night

 

Light is but illusion; it merely hides the night

The night, it is forever, and will long outlive all light

So farewell, my darling maiden, and your knight bedight in white

My patience, it’s forever, forever longer than the light”

Dead Man’s Eyes

deadeyeg

I looked into the eyes of the

Dead man

They were open and covered in

Chalk grey cataracts

Glistening

In the moonlight

 

I heard the cries of his

Child

As she wept over his cold

Corpse

 

She looked like a sheet

Dirty

Wet

Gently swaying in the wind

Clinging there to her

Father

Crying out to the heavens

“Why him!?”

“Why take him!?”

 

Only the heavens did

Not

Answer

They were

Silent

Dark

Still

 

Nothing moved but her

Tears

And the

Insects

That gathered on the

Cataracts

Coveting their

Meal

Eradicate Birth Control With Condom Away

 Condom Away: The Christian Solution To Birth Control

Condom Away: The Christian Solution To Birth Control

Are you a Christian who’s annoyed at the existence of birth control products? Would you like to eradicate them completely and send humanity back into the stone age in terms of its reproductive health? Well then, we here at Christians Inc. have just the product for you: Condom Away-a new aerosol product designed to evaporate condoms, birth control pills, and any other product ever created to prevent pregnancy or an STD with one simple spray. Here’s how it works. Let’s say you suspect a store in your area is selling birth control products. Simply walk into the store, take out your can of Condom Away, and spray once into the air. The fresh smelling lemon scent will drift throughout the store attaching itself to any and all birth control products and evaporate them completely within minutes. No one need ever know you were there. Don’t let the laws of your faith be abused and ignored by those around you. Be a good Christian and buy your can of Condom Away today. Together, we can wipe out birth control once and for all and make the world the way our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ wants it to be: full of pregnant teenage girls and millions of people sick and dying from a sexually transmitted disease. Act now and receive a free Jesus Hates Fags t-shirt with each purchase. And remember, nothing you do is wrong, as long as it’s done in Jesus’ name.

Supreme Court Rules Men’s Genitals Belong To U.S. Gov’t And Christianity

Life-Long Masturbator Listens To New Supreme Court Ruling

Life-Long Masturbator Listens To New Supreme Court Ruling

In a ruling that’s sure to shock more than a few people, the U.S. Supreme Court and The Christian God, have determined that a man’s genitals, and most importantly his sperm cells, DO NOT belong to him and he DOES NOT have the legal or moral right to masturbation, fornication, or touching of his genitals for any reason other than to urinate or to clean them. Any man not following this law will be summarily executed without trial.  “Each sperm cell,” the Supreme Court declared today,”is half a human being.  To ensure that the rights of these Christian sperm half people be protected, each newly born baby boy will be implanted with an electrical device which will notify authorities if masturbation is attempted at any point during the male’s life. Also, if the male attempts to fornicate outside of an approved Christian marriage, he will be hanged, eviscerated and feed his own entrails while yet alive, and all on live TV.  This ruling is final and can not be over turned. It is what the Christian God wants, and it comes from a place of deep love for all God’s creatures. Amen.”