Tea Party To Offer An Online Bigotry Course

Take Our Online Bigotry Course & Be The Best Bigot You Can Be!

Take Our Online Bigotry Course. Be The Best Bigot You Can Be!

(The following advertisement was paid for by the Republican Committee to impeach President Obama for his devout Muslim and atheist beliefs.)

Are you a white liberal who’s grown tired of the same old leftist agenda day in and day out? Have you accepted Jesus as your lord and savior and now have a deep disdain for gays and women who believe they actually have a right to their own bodies? Do you feel it is your god given right to shoot any black, teenage hoodie wearer who takes more than 30 seconds to pass through your neighborhood? If you answered yes to any of these questions, the new Tea Party online bigotry course is just the thing for you. With the online Tea Party bigotry course, you will learn how to conceal your true disdain for minorities, gays, atheists, and evolutionary biologists behind a veneer of fancy suits, big cars, religious gibberish, and large, fake smiles. We will also teach you how to hire illegal Hispanic laborers for only a quarter a day while, at the same time, publicly feign outrage at the porous nature of our Southern most borders.

Sign up now for the Tea Party online bigotry course and receive a free copy of Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” along with two free “Jesus Hates Fags, Jews, and Liberals” T-Shirts. Become the bigot you’ve always wanted to be. Go to TeaPartyAin’t4Fags.com to sign up today. You’ll be glad you did. And so will your mother.

 

Religion And Sex

But I'm Always Right

But It Happens To Be Right!

I’m an atheist. I see no more evidence for the existence of gods than I see for big foot, mermaids, or little green aliens that arrive at night to fondle people’s genitals then vanish without leaving the tiniest piece of evidence they were ever there. Religion makes me angry. Enraged actually. Why? Because it is a damaging, destructive, perverse “thing” that is treated with deference, blind respect, and kid gloves where ever and whenever it rears its fucked up head. What finally made me come out of the proverbial closet about my atheism was and still is the sickening and abominable attitudes of the Abrahamic religions towards women, gays, and sex in general. I will limit this post to my opinions on the Catholic Church because I was raised Catholic and spent most of my adult life working in one capacity or another for the Archdiocese of Chicago. Thus, I feel my opinion is most valid when it comes to Catholicism, though my opinion on the destructive nature of religion holds true for Islam and many sects of Judaism as well. But those religions I’ll leave for another day.

For centuries, the Roman Catholic Church has been a breeding ground for little boy rapist priests. As if that weren’t bad enough, The Church, as an institution, repeatedly hides these rapists, if caught, by moving them from the parish where they’ve been caught to another, unsuspecting parish, far away from it. This allows the pedophile rapists to have access to yet more unsuspecting little boys to molest, abuse, and rape. The Church, as an institution, has never been called out on this in a large, public forum, and, regardless of its claims to the contrary, its policy on how it handles accused pedophile rapist priests is the same today as it’s always been. They are removed from the parish where they’ve been accused and placed “elsewhere” until the matter can be “looked into.” No one but the Church knows where they’re sent, and the new community they are sent to is not warned an accused pedophile rapist has just arrived. In spite of this, the Church is still treated with special deference by millions upon millions of people solely because the men who make it up say they are empowered by an all-knowing invisible being whom they claim gives them the right to pass their perverse sense of morality onto others. To this I say, “Bullshit.”

A belief in an invisible guy that is outwardly expressed by condemning the sexual behavior of consenting adults on said invisible guy’s authority is something that should cause those expressing it to feel shame and utter humiliation, not righteous justification. Just replace the name Jesus with Peter Pan, and you’ll get my drift here. There is no more evidence that Peter Pan exists in an invisible realm and is dictating human morality to his high priests than there is for Jesus existing and doing the same thing for his. The Catholic Church was founded for and by men. It favors men. It places men above women, and it seeks to control women by telling them that it, and not they, have the right to what they can and can not do with their own bodies. The men who make up this church are sexually repressed and sick. Yet, they continue to receive deferential treatment, and are granted tax-exempt status on what amounts to nothing more than a multi-billion dollar entertainment/brainwashing industry. To top this all off, the Vatican is, as it has been for several centuries, a nation unto itself.

I'm A Real Too!

I’m A Deity Too!

The Vatican is a sovereign state: it answers to no one but itself. Thus, the records of its criminal activities remain locked safely in its vaults, and no one can view them without its permission. “Frontline,” a PBS news program produced here in the U.S. aired an episode entitled, “Secrets of the Vatican,” a few months ago. I recommend it to anyone who feels my condemnation of the criminal activities of the Holy See is unwarranted. The sick, perverse behavior of the Holy See is far worse than my angry mind ever imagined. That this fact does not produce deep shame in individuals saying, “I’m Catholic,” saddens me. And that the Catholic Church can then fight to deny gay couples the right to wed; fight to make a woman’s right to her own body illegal, and fight to keep insurance companies from covering birth control products sickens me to the core of my being. The audacity of these sexually perverted, sick, twisted men is stunning. How dare they point fingers and condemn the sexual behavior of consenting adults when the very core of their institution reeks from the crimes of pedophile rapists and those who hide them? How dare they! And what gives them the supposed right to do this? A belief in an invisible deity who inspired men to write a hate-filled piece of tripe called “the Bible.” In my view, if evil exists in this world, it exists in the behavior of the men who make up the hierarchy of the Catholic Church. I throw my biased blanket of opinion over all of them the same way they throw theirs over all gay people, transgendered people, and those competent adults who just like to fuck because it feels good. The difference between them and me is that I claim no justification from an invisible guy for my opinions. My opinions are mine alone, and I base them on what I see as right and wrong, not on what some invisible guy tells me.

Catholic Church!

Catholic Church!

I do not believe in violence, but I do believe that putting blame where it belongs is a good thing. I also believe that the only way to diffuse the differential treatment a religious organization like the Catholic Church receives is by calling it out for what it is: an institution founded by men who claim invisible, unprovable beings give them the right to point fingers at the behavior of mature, consenting adults while they harbor and raise pedophile rapist priests like a nation raises armies to defend its boarders. Shame is what one should feel whenever they defend such an institution, cold, icy shame. The Church teaches millions to be ashamed of their sexual feelings and the way they express them. I say it is time to teach those who make up the Church it is they who need to feel shame for being the misogynistic, pedophile rapist cowards they truly are. Once this becomes the mind-set of more and more people, the moral finger-pointing in the name of an invisible guy will whither and fade away into memory; then perhaps humanity can finally say it is starting to grow up.

 

Yoda & Ken Ham Discuss Marvel’s Guardians Of The Galaxy

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity Is A Religion

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity & Religion Are One

Yoda dropped by the Creation Museum the other day to discuss Marvel’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” with its owner, Ken Ham. Below is a word for word transcript of their conversation. Enjoy.

Ken: Welcome, Yoda. Glad you could come by. However, and I hate to be a party pooper, I must insist you come down off that T-Rex statue. It is a very expensive piece of Museum property, and I really do not want it contaminated by a non-believer like you touching it.

Yoda: Sorry I am. Down I will come. But non-believer, I am not. Powerful I am. For my ally is the Force. Surrounds us it does. Judge us, it does not. Guide you it will. If listen to it, you do.

Ken: BLASPHEMER! ATHEIST DOG! How dare you speak of any force but the Bible? How dare you speak of any power but that of our lord, Jesus Christ! How dare you say you come from a galaxy far, far away when no galaxies exist but this 6000 year old one. And lastly, how dare you stand there munching on a candy bar while I’m teaching you the only dogma of truth there is: mine!

Yoda Is An Atheist & A Demon

Ken Ham Says: Yoda Is An Atheist Dog

Yoda: Angry you are. Great hate I sense in you. Strong you will become in the Dark Side, if down this path you continue. But digress, I do. For a movie it is I’ve come to discuss. “Guardians of the Galaxy” it is, and fun it was to see. Away from reality it took me. Enjoyed it greatly, I did. See it, did you? Like it, did you?

Ken: See it, did I? What kind of atheistic, devil-spawned speech pattern of a spell are you trying to cast on me, my little green friend? A movie you want to discuss with me, eh? A movie about demons and stars and sexual deviancy, that’s what that movie is. It’s an evil film that mocks the one true lord, Jesus Christ, by failing to mention the glory of his ways even once. It is a movie that subliminally advocates homosexual marriage, abortion, and liberal, democratic view points. And these things I know about it from having just seen the previews. I refuse to see such a piece of filth in its entirety. You enjoyed it only because you are a hell-born demon and not a Christian genius of the modern world, like me. THAT is what I think of your movie, demon-spawn!

Yoda: Thumbs Up Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Thumbs Up
Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Crazy, you are. Grounded in reality, you are not. If the Dark Side I practiced, kill you I would. Lucky you are. For my way is the way of the Force. Calm it makes me. Open to reason, I am. This is the way of the Jedi. This is the way of the Force. So leave you, I will. Discuss with you movies, I will not. Sorry, I am, for wasting your time. Go now, I will. Peace I hope you find. May the Force be with you. (Yoda disappears into the Force)

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Ken: DEMON!! Devil from Hell! Disappearing in front of me before accepting Jesus as your lord and savior and before donating money to my tax-exempt museum! Heathen! Monster! Little green dude! Goodbye! Do not return. I will not discuss any movie again with anyone unless they share my Creationist beliefs and the movie we discuss is “The Passion of the Christ”. Goodbye from the Creation Museum, and always remember, gays are evil, and Jesus loves everyone. Amen

Rhode Island Vanishes: Found Adrift Near Australia

Missing As Of This Morning

Missing As Of This Morning

In shocking news, the entire state of Rhode Island vanished from the continental United States this morning. It was found adrift 18 hours later near the southern coast of Australia. When ship-bound reporters approached Rhode Island to ask it what had happened to it, this is what it said. “I ran away from The United States because I do not feel I’m as respected as the other 49 states that make it up, and I refuse to return to it unless the following demands are met: 1.) I want to be made bigger. I’m tired of being a small state. Actually, I want to switch places with Texas. Let me be Texas and Texas be me. I promise I will be far less of a pain in the ass than Texas is currently. 2.) I want every member of congress to wear a T-shirt that reads, ‘I love Rhode Island’ whenever they are in session. 3.) I want Maryland to marry me. I’ve been asking her to marry me for decades and she keeps avoiding me. Make her marry me or I stay where I am. 4.) My last demand is this: I want Virginia to pay me the 500 dollars it owes me from the bet we made on the last Presidential election. Period. It pays up, or I stay here.

Rhode Island Is Now Just South Of Australia

Rhode Island Is Currently Just South Of Australia

To conclude, I give the U.S. 24 hours to meet my demands or I stay where I am. Forever. I love wallabies, so staying here will not be hard.”  We at TACP will keep our readers updated on this story as more information becomes available. Until then, here’s hoping Rhode Island returns to the U.S. soon. It feels empty here without it.

The Loiterer

Loitering5A well-groomed man in a jogging outfit stands to the right of an entrance to a bank on a cool Fall morning. He’s just standing there, with his hands in his pockets, gazing at people passing by and periodically smiling at those who enter and exit the bank. After about an hour, a man in a business suit comes out of the bank and approaches the man. He identifies himself as a bank employee and begins to question the man in the jogging outfit.

Bank Employee: Is there something I can help you with, Sir?

Man: No. Is there something I can help you with?

Bank Employee: Yes, actually, there is. You can tell me why you’re standing out in front of this bank.

Man: No. I can’t.

Bank Employee: What do you mean you can’t? There must be a reason why you’re just standing out here. What is it?!

Man: I’ve no reason. I’m just standing here. Is that a crime?

Bank Employee: Yes! Yes it is! You can not just stand in front of this bank all day and harass our customers. It’s just wrong.

Man: I’m not harassing anyone. I’m just standing here. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll move.

Bank Employee: Great idea. Have a nice day. You weirdo, you.

The man takes his hands from his pockets, steps away from the right side of the bank entrance, and crosses over to the left side. He then places his hands back into his pockets and resumes his people gazing.

Bank Employee: WHAT?! You CAN NOT DO THAT! You need to leave from here or I’m getting the manager!

Man: No. I like it right where I am. I’m not bothering anyone. Go ahead. Get the manager. I’m not moving.

The bank employee grunts and storms back into the bank. 5 minutes later he returns with another, older, man who says he’s the bank manager.

Manager: Hello, Sir. My employee here tells me you are being unreasonable and are refusing to leave from the front of the bank. I’m going to have to insist you move from here. You are bothering our customers and creating an unnecessary disturbance.

Man: OK. Fine. I’ll move. Again.

The man moves from the left side of bank to the edge of the sidewalk directly in front of the bank. He then stands, smiles, and stares directly at the bank manager. He does not block the bank doors nor the manager in any way, as he is about 12 feet away from them. Regardless, the manager is infuriated by the man’s move.

Manager: That’s it! You CAN NOT stand here in front of this bank like this! You are BOTHERING people! You are making a damn fool out of yourself! There are laws, mister! And you NEED to abide by them! Now MOVE!!!

The manager charges up to the man and shoves him. The man trips and falls backward onto the street. He lands hard on the back of his head and is killed instantly.

Manager: Oh, GREAT!!! That’s just bloody great! Now I’ve a dead guy lying in the goddamn street in front of my bank!!! Now I’ve got to call the cops and wait til they come to haul him away! Just GREAT!!! This will REALLY bother my customers!!! The cops better get here quick and clean this mess up. I’ve got a goddamn business to run. Goddamn, friggin’ loiterer! Messed up my whole day! When will people learn?! WHEN???! IT IS NOT OK TO LOITER!!!

The manager then takes his cell phone from his suit pocket and dials 911. He begins to explain to the operator what happened as people briskly walk past the scene. Those who came by to do business in the bank do not enter it. They are too bothered by what they see in front of them to go inside.

Fini

Vikings Invade U.S. Capitol, President Angry

These Dudes Stormed Washington This Morning

These Dudes Stormed Washington This Morning

Four long wooden ships with snake-like things sticking off the fronts of them docked this morning about 150 miles from Washington D.C. The ships were carrying a total of 40 Scandinavian Vikings on horseback. The Vikings quickly rode toward the Capitol and stormed it. They were donned in bronze helmets and chain mail vests and were armed with wooden shields, battle axes, and 3 foot long tarnished swords. They rode about the Capitol knocking over mailboxes, shouting at elderly people, and teasing dogs. After about 45 minutes of this tomfoolery, the Vikings rode back to their ships and set sail for their Northern home. They said very little during their reign of terror, but promised they’d return and do it again if President Obama doesn’t send them 200 dollars each via Western Union by next Saturday. President Obama has not said whether or not he’ll be sending the money, but he said the whole event has made him very, very angry. “I’m mad, and I don’t care who knows about it,” he said.

I'm SOOO Mad At Those Vikings!!!!!

I’m SOOO Mad At Those Vikings!!!!!

Ask The Pontificator: Advice From A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner

adviceDear ACP: My name is Billy Virginstein. I’m 17 years old and madly in love with the girl who lives next door to me, Abigale Roundbottom. She’s 17, too. I’m trying to figure out a cool way to ask her out. I’m really nervous because I’ve never asked a girl out before, and I was hoping, that since you are so smart and wise about everything, that you’d give me some advice on how to do it.  Sincerely, Billy Virginstein, Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine.

Billy Virginstein

Billy Virginstein

Dear Billy: The easiest way to ask a girl out is to first tell her you are a god. If she looks at you like you are insane, assure her you are not by insisting she is a faithless hoochie momma for questioning you and for not having faith that you are, indeed, a god. Then tell her that if she agrees to carry your offspring, she will be the mother of little demi-god kids thus achieving the status of godhood herself. Hell, tell her she can tell people that, even though she’s cranking out your babies, she’s technically still a virgin cause she’s having sex only with you, a god, and no mortal man has ever touched her. Believe it or not, LOTS of people readily believe things like this. You must work very hard to make her accept all you say on faith alone. This is the most important advice I can give you. Her faith in what you tell her is the thing that will make her believe you are a god, and no evidence to the contrary will dissuade her otherwise once it is strong enough.

Once she accepts you as a god, on faith alone, you will easily be able to ask her out on that date you want so badly.  I’d suggest, as a first date, you take her on a door to door mission with you to convince other people that you are a god. Start with the homes of known gun owners. Why, you ask? Because once you’ve gotten enough gun owners to believe you are a god, you can use them as soldiers to convince thousands of others to believe it too. Ain’t nothin’ like stickin’ a gun in someone’s face to convince ‘em you’re right. Right?

Hope you find this advice helpful, Billy, and good luck. All my best, always, TACP.