Firebelly: A Children’s Tale

A while back, when I was still a young kid, Firebelly and I had an adventure that I’m pretty much bettin’ you all would like to hear about. What’s that? Who’s Firebelly? You mean to tell me you folks in this part o’ town ain’t ever heard of Firebelly? Well, then, let me tell ya all ’bout ’em.

The first time I met Firebelly I was only ten years old and living with my grandpa in a town very far away from here. An old, evil wizard by the name of Mon-day had just cast a spell on the town which turned every day of the week into a Monday.

The Evil Wizard, Monday

The Evil Wizard, Mon-day

When my grandpa realized what had happened, he took my hand and told me to repeat, very clearly, every word he was about to tell me. He recited a poem that he said would call forth a hero who would defeat the wizard and return our weeks to normal ones once I repeated it. The hero only would come if a child called him, my grandpa said, so I repeated the poem which went like this:

By the frosty beard of the Jolly St. Nick,

Whose time clock for Christmas has not missed a tick,

I call on the power of that fat king of jelly

to bring us our hero: Firebelly!

And just as I said this the sky turned a golden-yellow and behind me I heard a loud CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP! like the sound of a huge frog singing. I turned very quickly to see what it was, and, much to my surprise, I found a three-foot, light green-skinned, blue-eyed frog with a bright red, fat belly sitting there smiling at me. “Howdy do, do, do, young chap,” he said to me as he chewed on a piece of what appeared to be bubble gum. “What kin I do ya fer?”

Statue Of Firebelly Made By My Grandpa

Statue Of Firebelly Made By My Grandpa

“Well,” I said to him, “my grandpa here said you were a hero and could defeat the wizard, Mon-day for us. He’s turned every one of our days into a Monday.”

“Yikes,” Firebelly said, as his belly turned even redder than before, “that’s not a very good SITS-A-Q-A-SHUN to be in a’tall. I’ve had dealings with the wizard, Mon-day be-fer. I do thinks I kin remedy this here PREEE-DIC-O-MENT fer ya, though, but I need fer you an’ yer grandpa ta do EGG-ZAK-OO-LLYY what I tellz ya ta do. OK?”

“OK, Mr. Firebelly,” I said to him, “we’ll do what ever you say.”

“Ya don’ts gotta call me Mr,” he said, “just Firebelly will do. Now, here’s what I need ya ta do. I need both you and yer grandpa here to put yer right hands on my belly, don’t worry, it’s normal for it feel hot like that, and rub it in a circular motion. HEE! HEE! That kinda tickles! But it’s suppose to, so don’t worry none. Now, I need fer both of you to repeat this saying:

Today it is dark

Today it is cold

All due to a wizard

Or so we’ve been told

But now he must go

In a very quick way

Cause we simply can’t take

Another Mon-day

My grandpa and I did as we were instructed, and just as we finished reciting the saying, a black cloud of smoke appeared with the wizard, Mon-day inside it. He looked very sad and not scary at all. “Who is it who breaks my spell, calls me here, and returns the days of the week in this town to normal?” he said.

“Why it is I, yer frog friend from the sky,” Firebelly said to him. “Why don’t we go somewhere else and have us a few flies and a chat or two and let these here folks go back ta their reg’lar lives? Eh, Mon-day. Wadda ya say, ‘ole friend?”

“Well, since ya put things so nice and all, OK. I’ll go have a few flies and a few chats with you,” the Wizard said. “But I gotta tell ya, being named Mon-day, well, it just ain’t such an easy thing ta live with, ya know?”

“And I suppose bein’ a three-foot frog with a bright red, fat belly IS, eh?,” I heard Firebelly say as he put his short arm around him and led him into a warm, golden-yellow splash of light which, like them, soon vanished into thin air.

Well, anyway, that’s the story of the first time I met Firebelly. It wasn’t the last time, however, that I saw him. My grandpa told me whenever I or any other kid needed him, all we had to do was repeat this poem:

By the frosty beard of the Jolly St. Nick,

Whose time clock for Christmas has not missed a tick,

I call on the power of that fat king of jelly

to bring us our hero: Firebelly!

And he’d be there, lickity split, to help us out of any jam we were in. And he did help me, and many other kids, out of many jams over the years. But those, my friends, are stories for another day.

The End

 

 

Dick Head Of The Month: Illinios R-Governor, Bruce Rauner

TACP's First Ever Dick Head Of The Month

TACP’s First Ever Dick Head Of The Month

The Arm Chair Pontificator staff would like to congratulate Illinois R-Governor, Bruce Rauner on becoming our first ever Dick Head of the Month.  This soul-less, heartless, obscenely rich excuse of a man was given this award for his funding cuts to autism programs two weeks ago. April is Autism Awareness Month, and Mr. Rauner chose it to send his message of FUCK YOU to the autistic citizens of Illinois loudly and clearly.  Since taking over as Governor in January, Mr. Rauner has systemically implemented his budget plan to crush labor unions, destroy Medicare, Social Security, and SSDI and eliminate school lunch programs for poor children. You, Mr. Rauner, are a true, unadulterated Dick Head. So, too, is every person who voted for you without first looking at the kind of son of a bitch you truly are. If we knew who they were, we’d let them share this award with you, you Dick Head, you.

Here’s a link to more info on this Dick Head’s actions: Rauner cuts autism program funding when target must be pensions

Interview With UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly'in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

Fibberland, Massachusetts.  UFO expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in of MIT’s radical genius department, stopped by the ACP offices today whilst I was scratching my butt and asked me if I’d like to interview him for the site. The interview follows below. It has not been altered in any way since its original fabrication.

TACP: Thanks for coming by, Dr. B. Ly’in. Could you please tell my readers a little bit about yourself and your area of expertise?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Did you see that?! Right there! Out your damn window! There was a huge ship with crazy flashing lights all over it floating in the sky. It made a super quick, right angle turn and vanished into space! Did you see it?

TACP: No. I didn’t see anything. What do you think it was?

Dr. B. Ly’in: What the fudge do you THINK it was, numb-nuts?! It was an alien spacecraft from beyond our galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! How bloody stoooopid are you?

TACP: Well, I’m not sure just HOW stupid I am, but I didn’t see anything out the window. How do you know it was an alien spacecraft?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Are you questioning my area of expertise, you som’bitch?! The evidence CLEARLY shows it was a craft from another galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! I’m a SCIENTIST, not a bloody religious nut! I don’t just make shit up off the top of my head when I see something I don’t understand! GOD! People like you piss me off!

TACP: What kind of “people” am I?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You’re a gardarn som’bitchin’ skeptic! That’s what you are. You think it’s easy being a gardarn som’bitchin’ brilliant man of science like I am? You think it’s easy……Say, are those jelly donuts on your desk? Can I have one?

TACP: Sure, if you stop yelling at me and just give my readers a little info on yourself. When did you become a UFO expert, for starters?

Dr. B. Ly’in: When I gave up religion and began using reason as my life’s guide. That’s when. (Gardarn, but this IS a good donut!) Shortly after giving up religion, as I was peeing in an alley, I looked up and saw a bunch of objects with yellow lights on them making crazy, impossible, right angle turns in the sky. Using my non-religious, unparalleled, new-found sense of reason, I deduced that only alien spacecraft, piloted by tiny blue-skinned aliens, could have had made such crazy-ass, right angle turns. The minute I came to that conclusion, I became an expert on UFO’s. I got my position in the MIT genius department shortly thereafter. I teach a class every semester on why UFO’s are real and why belief in them isn’t at all like a religion.

TACP: Fascinating. Do you have any pictures you can show my readers of UFO’s you’ve encountered?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You bet your som’bitchin’, fat, white ass I do. I see these damn things all the time and have taken many pictures of them. I’ve brought two to show your readers. No sane, reasonable human being could ever deny that these are photos of authentic, extraterrestrial spacecraft piloted by little blue aliens. Here they are.

1.)

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Obviously Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

2.)

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens With Prurient Intentions

Pretty amazing, eh? Ain’t no som’bitch dumb enough not see these are pics of real alien spacecraft doin’ bat-shit crazy things with animals. I gotta run now. I’ve a class to teach on the merits of understanding that belief in space aliens and UFO’s is not in any way at all like belief in a religion. Bye now.

TACP: Yeah. Bye. Wow. That was one amazing dude. I guess, what we can learn from him is that some people have obviously replaced the “god of the gaps theory,” to explain inexplicable phenomena, with an “aliens of the gaps” theory to explain the same phenomena. Either that, or Dr. Lenny be lyin’ about all this UFO stuff.

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Aliens Who Built The Pyramids Say, “Humans Are Dumber Than Door Knobs”

“That is to say,” said alien representative, Mi Fli B’Opn, “those humans who even know what door knobs are. We aliens have been doing EVERYTHING for you humans since you chowder-heads first started walkin’ on 2 legs, which, BTW, WE taught you how to do.

Mi Flie B'Opn says, "Humans Are Really, Really Dumb."

Mi Fli B’Opn says, “Humans Are Really, Really Dumb.”

So it never fails to make us laugh when some of you ninnies actual talk as if HUMANS built the pyramids. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!??? Human beings could no more build a pyramid than make a damn pancake without alien intervention.  As a matter of fact, most of you apes couldn’t brush your damn teeth each morning if an alien didn’t beam down into your body and do it for you.  The one thing I must say about humans is this: the amount of helplessness and stupidity prevalent amongst your species is, and has always been, pandemically crippling for you when left without alien help. The truest testament to this is, as I hinted at earlier, a belief many of you have that you are alone in the universe and that you ignorant dolts actually have the brain capacity to think and problem solve on your own, without our continual intervention. What a bunch of knuckle-heads you are.  You’re lucky we like you. You really, really are. Without us, you’d all be like toddlers with your pants full of poop looking for Mommy to change your pull-up.  Think about that the next time you question WHO it was who built the pyramids of Ancient Egypt, you knuckle-heads, you!”

Republican Apes

Bloodville, Transylvania.  Here are some wonderful pictures of Republican apes that were taken by our resident zoologist and pastry chef, Don T. Givashit.

1.) A Republican ape on global warming.

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I'm NOT Going To Listen!

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I’m NOT Going To Listen!

2.) A Republican porn star ape.

You Won't Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

You Won’t Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

3.) A Ronald Reagan era Republican ape.

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I'd Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There's A LOT More Bananas For Me!

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I’d Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There’s A LOT More Bananas For Me!

4.) A hypnotist Republican ape.

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, "Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy."

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, “Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy.”

5.) A Republican ape with his favorite pet.

Democrats Make Great House Pets And Servants, Says This Republican Orangutan.

Undocumented, Liberal Puppies Like This One Make Great House Pets And Servants, And All They’ll Cost You Are A Few Table Scraps. Now Go Fetch Me The Wall Street Journal, Boy!

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By This Sign, Ted Cruz Says, He Will Conquer

By This Sign, Republicans Will Conquer

By This Sign, Ted Cruz Will Conquer

Alberta, Canada.  Canadian Citizen and Republican Presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, today said he had a powerful vision last night that ensured him he would not only become President of America in 2016, but Emperor of the world as well.  “I was sitting in my 60 million dollar mansion, contemplating ways to efficiently kill poor people, gays, and liberals,” Mr. Cruz said, “when the GOP logo appeared and spoke to me. Here’s what it said.

Greetings, my Canadian, conservative, filthy rich friend. I’ve come to you to let you know, that because I’ve come to you, you now have the right to kill anyone who doesn’t think I actually came to you. Also, I’ve come to tell you, that because I’ve come to you, you will not only win the Presidency in 2016, you will conquer the world and become its first Emperor as well. To do this, you must use your vast riches to purchase a few hundred military drones, arm them with nuclear missiles, paint the GOP logo on them, and send them to annihilate the poorest countries of the world and all the gay neighborhoods in the U.S. Once you show the world and America what you’re all about, they’ll have no choice but to name you President and Emperor of the World. By this sign, my Canadian friend, you will conquer.

Canadian, Republican Presidential Hopeful, And Soon To Be World Emperor, Ted Cruz

Canadian, Republican Presidential Hopeful, And Soon To Be World Emperor, Ted Cruz

  After that, the GOP logo vanished, and I started buying drones and nuclear missiles to conquer the world. Like it or not, I will be President and Emperor of the World in 2016. The GOP logo told me so.”

 

Famous Bearded Women In History

Mummyville, Egypt.  Fabricated archeologist, and amateur photographer, Ivana Kissurmom, stopped by our Paris office today with these amazing pictures of famous bearded women from history. Enjoy.

1.) This picture of Eve shows us she wasn’t just the first woman ever, but the first bearded woman ever as well.

Looks Like God Took A Bit Of Chest Hair Along With The Rib He Took From Adam When He Made Eve

Apparently God Took A Bit Of Chest Hair Along With Adam’s Rib When He Made Eve, Eh?


2.) Next we have the very bearded Helen of Troy. I just don’t see what all the fuss was about, do you?

 THIS Is The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships?

THIS Is The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships?

3.) And now for the Virgin Mary. I don’t know about you, but she doesn’t look very virginal to me.

Ya Gotta Admit, The Flowers Are Kinda Sexy

The Flowers Are Kinda Nice, Don’t Ya Think?

4.) This picture shows that George Washington had either terrible eyesight or very bad taste in women.

Apparently, George Had Pretty Bad Eye Site

Martha Washington

5.) And this one shows the same can be said of Jesus.

 Jesus' Eye Site Was None Too Good Either

Mary Magdalene

6.) Last for today we have Joan of Arc, pictured in the very tux she wore at her execution.

Joan Of Arc In The Tux She Wore To Her Execution

Lookin’ Pretty Spiffy For A Woman About To Be Burned Alive, Eh?

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