Another new advice column from your pals at The Arm Chair Pontificator.
When do necrophiliacs date twins?
When they’re dead ringers.
Tinybudget, Kansas. Does the idea of a smaller, less invasive government make your willy tingle? Do you like the idea of doing whatever the hell you want without the “Government” poking around with its “Army” telling you what you can and can not do? Well, then, we’ve got just the political website for you: makethemilitaryprivate.org. The founders of makethemilitaryprivate.org, a guy named Steve and two gals named Sally, think that there’s no better way to get the Government off your back and greatly reduce your taxes than to privatize the military. How will this work? Well, let’s say a theocratic lunatic like Ted Cruz wants to carpet bomb the Middle East. With a private military, he can. The only difference is, HE’LL have to put the army together and pay for it himself. All of it. Also, let’s say people in the Middle East get pissed when Cruz carpet bombs them and want revenge. They won’t need to attack random Americans to get it, they can simply attack Ted Cruz-the guy who personally paid to have them carpet bombed. So, if this sounds like a spiffy cause to you, go to makethemilitaryprivate.org to sign our petition and make a donation. Take the military out of the hands of “Big Brother” and put it into the hands of “Rich Brother”. Support makethemilitaryprivate.org. Ted Cruz will be glad you did.
Misogyny Palace, Mississippi. This morning, after a strategic planning session at the Pentagon to carpet bomb the Middle East out of existence, Ted Cruz declared all female bodies are his to do with as he sees fit. “By the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I declare that women are to have no say whatsoever in what they can and cannot do with their bodies,” Senator Cruz said. “As any true follower of Jesus can tell you, women are dull-witted and often do silly things, like allowing men to accidentally impregnate them, for example. The mistake most women make when this happens is to think they have a choice in what they can do with their own bodies. Nothing is farther from the truth. Jesus states repeatedly, not only in the Bible, but in the U.S. Constitution, that women’s bodies belong to Christian men, not to them. I fail to see how anyone can be remotely confused about this. Would Jesus say such a thing if it were not true? Of course not. Thus, women’s bodies are not theirs. They’re actually mine, as I’m not only the brightest Christian around, but also the biggest, sexiest bull-stud of a man America’s ever seen. As soon as I’m President, I’ll make arrangements for me or one of my male staff members to conduct a body search of each and every female in the U.S. to be certain they’re treating my property the way I want them to. So, America, please vote for me in November, and make me your President. It’s what Jesus wants you to do.”
Nuttylady Town, Alaska. Sarah Palin today, after blaming President Obama for the PTSD which supposedly made her son beat up his girlfriend, claimed the best way to end PTSD is to increase the number of wars America is involved in. “If President Obama weren’t such a sissy, and black, we’d have destroyed ISIS already,” Governor Palin said earlier. “He’s so weak, he’s practically a girl. I happen to have the personal addresses of every ISIS member in the world. I’ve offered to give these to President Obama on the condition he carpet bomb the cities where the addresses are located. Instead of taking me up on this offer, Obama suggested I needed serious psychiatric help. What an effeminate, liberal, black guy. We’ll never end the PTSD that caused my son, who never saw combat, BTW, to beat the shit out of his girlfriend until we bomb the crap out of most of the world. The only country that matters anywhere, is America. That’s what Jesus said when he and our founding fathers wrote the U.S. Constitution sometime in the early 1950’s, and that’s the only reality I see. Screw liberals, screw black guys who are President, and screw anyone who doesn’t want to bomb the fuck outta shit!!!! AAAAAAHHH!!!”
Barbershop City, Iowa. After losing the Iowa Caucuses to Hilary Clinton in a tight race, Bernie Sanders admitted his hair is a sentient being. “Yeah,” Senator Sanders said just moments ago, “my hair is actually a sentient being separate from me. It sort of just took roost on my head when I was about 16, and has been with me ever since. Next to my wife, it’s my best friend. We have great conversations, are identical on political issues, and like the same movies. The only down side is that we take separate vacations every year, and, when my hair’s gone, usually visiting its relatives in Singapore, I’m stuck wearing a lot of hats or explaining why I suddenly decided to shave my head. Any-who, I’ve got a campaign fundraiser in Chicago to get to, so my hair and I will see you later.”