Lemur Sayings

Because I love them, here are some cute pictures of Lemurs with quotes added by me. Enjoy.

1.)

You Want To Put The Thermometer Where?

You Want To Put The Thermometer Where?

2.)

Damn, Dude! That was Some AWESOME Herb!

Damn, Dude! That Was Some AWESOME Herb!

3.)

I Said, "Just Trim A Little Off The Bottom," And Look What Happened!

I Said, “Just Trim A Little Off The Bottom,” And Look What Happened!

4.)

OK, Which One Of You Guys Took The Last Cookie?

OK, Which One Of You Guys Took The Last Cookie?

5.)

I AM Smiling, Goddammit. Just Take The Fuckin' Picture Already!

I AM Smiling, Goddamnit. Just Take The Fuckin’ Picture Already!

6.)

OK, I'm Squeezing The Branch REALLY Tight. Now What Happens?

OK, I’m Squeezing The Branch REALLY Tight. Now What Happens?

More to come soon. Bye now.

Polytheists Must Be Eradicated, Says Group of Monotheist Zealots

A group of monotheist zealots this morning, calling themselves Monotheists For The Eradication Of Polytheists, said they had a plan to rid the world of people who believed in more than one god. “What kind of backward toothless douche bag believes in more than one god,” said spokesman for the group, Sir William Tiniecock. “We here at the M.F.T.E.O.P. have come together to liberate the planet from the virus ridden bile that is polytheism. Only by ending this scourge of evil that sits amongst us can we know how much we are loved by whichever one true god we choose to believe in. It matters not whether we worship Jesus, Allah, or Yahweh, as long as we don’t worship all three of them, we will be saved from an eternity in Hell when we die.”
Sir Tiniecock also said, “Polytheists must be wiped out because they are all gay, and they fornicate, forcibly, with animals. How many times, now, have you come home from work only to find your family dog, cat, or goldfish in tears because your polytheistic neighbor has broken in and raped it while you were away? How many? Ten, Twenty?

Future Victims Of Polytheist Rapists?

Protect Your Pets: Help Eradicate Polytheists

The idea of a beloved pet being raped, even once, should be enough for you to want polytheists to be sent to an island in the South Pacific and fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars until they are completely eradicated. And that is our exact plan for polytheists. Catch ‘em. Bag ‘em; then ship ‘em to the South Pacific to be fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars. We need your prayers, and your donations, to help us capture, and kill, every polytheist on the planet. We know it won’t be easy, and, in most countries, not legal, either, but, it is time these polytheist fuckers are eradicated like the bed bugs they are before they eradicate all of us, and our pets too. Amen.”

Christopher Hitchens Signs Copy Of “God Is Not Great” For God

Atheist Christopher Hitchens Signing A Copy Of His Book God Is Not Great For God

Atheist Christopher Hitchens Signing A Copy Of His Book, God Is Not Great, For God

The After-Life, Heaven.  In a twist of fate that can only be described as poetically ironic, Christopher Hitchens, writer, journalist, and self-described anti-theist signed a copy of his book, God Is Not Great, for none other than God Himsef last night at a Barnes & Noble in Heaven. “God’s one my biggest fans up here,” Mr. Hitchens told reporters during the signing event which was held to help him promote his newest book, When Being Wrong Is Better Than Being Right. “I got a call from Him the minute I first arrived here at the end of 2011. I was pleasantly surprised, to put it mildly, that I was mistaken about my certainty of His non-existence. He told me He loved my work and that I’d often convinced even Him at times that He didn’t exist. Then He invited me over to His place for martinis and cigarettes and we ended up talking, drinking and smoking until the wee small hours of the morning.” Mr.Hitchens finished by saying God has great taste in art and literature, and loves science as much as anyone he’s ever meet. “He’d make one hell of a convincing atheist if it weren’t for the fact that He is, indeed, God,” Mr. Hitchens concluded.

What If Bible Characters Were Animals?

Because my sanity is not at all stable, I often get ridiculously nonsensical ideas that I turn into blog posts. This is one them. If famous characters from the Bible were animals, here’s what they’d look like. Hallelujah!

1.) Here’s God just after he, unexpectedly, created the first humans.

I Didn't Think I could Actually Make Humans. What The Hell Am I Suppose To Do With 'Em Now?

I Didn’t Think It Would Really Work. What The Hell Am I Suppose To Do Now?

2.) And here’s his number one bad-ass of a son, Jesus.

I'm Not Only The Only God There Is, I'm The Strongest!

I Told Ya I Could Lift It, Pa. Didn’t I? Well, Didn’t I?

3.) And now, to help us round out the three gods who are, somehow, actually only one, here’s The Holy Spirit.

Say, Jesus, I'm Gonna Use Your Pool. Hope You Don't Mind.

Say, Jesus, I Dropped By To Use Your Pool. Hope You Don’t Mind.

4.) John the Baptist’s freshly decapitated head is next.

What The Fuck Are You Lookin' At?

What The Fuck Are You Lookin’ At?

5.) A group shot of the 12 Apostles arriving at Jesus’ place for the last supper.

OK, Jesus, We're Here. What's For Supper?

OK, Jesus, We’re Here. Where’s The Eats?

6.) Eve, the first woman, in a rather compromising position.

Hey, Adam! This Apple Just Fell On Me. Could You Help Me Get It Off? Just Don't Bite Into It For Christ's Sake!

Hey, Adam! This Apple Just Fell On Me. Could You Help Me Get It Off? Just Don’t Bite Into It For Christ’s Sake, OK?

7.) And, here’s Adam and Eve suffering the consequences of Adam not following Eve’s instructions from the above picture.

Wadda Mean Yer Kickin' Us Out? Where The Hell Are We Gonna Go?

Wadda Mean Yer Kickin’ Us Out? Where The Hell Are We Gonna Go?

8.) Lastly, we have this lovely picture of Allah, the great god of the Koran, as he moves into his new home.

There Is Room For Only One God In This Hen House, And It Isn't You Yahweh!

There Is Room For Only One God In This Hen House, And It Ain’t You, Yahweh!

Fini

Cleaning The Morgue

Hospital Morgue

Hospital Morgue

The smell of formaldehyde hits your nose just as you open the door. It’s 3:00 AM and your hand searches frantically on the cold steel walls for the light switch. CLICK! The humming buzz of the overhead fluorescent light is now heard as a flickering, ghostly blue glow fills the room. You push your cart of pine-smelling chemicals, which you can barely smell over the odor of the formaldehyde, into the tiny room and begin to sweep. On your left is a large transparent drum filled with human lungs. “Funny,” you say to yourself, “how easy it is to see which lungs belonged to smokers.” You sweep past the drum and turn to face the blue, cold, steel examining table. The table is speckled with half-dried blood, and patches of human hair are clumped near the top of it, where the medical examiner removes the brains of the dead to be weighed.

You sweep around the table and under the shelves to the right. On those shelves sit glass jars filled with eyes, hearts, cancer-eaten breasts, and sliced up testicles. “I wonder what happened to all of these people,” you ask yourself, as you pour pine oil into your bucket. You look at your watch and realize that you have ten minutes before break, so you hurry and mop the blood-stained, yellowish tile floor, and scrub the exam-table free of human debris; then you put your mop back into your bucket and notice how the smell of the formaldehyde has been masked by the pine oil and how the examining table looks so much more sanitary without the bloody clumps of hair. You then exit the morgue while turning off the humming fluorescent light, notice how peaceful and clean-smelling the morgue is in the dark, then close and lock the door.

After putting away your cleaning equipment, you take your Coke and your Twinkie to the back of the hospital, sit on the stairs next to the bio-incinerator, and watch the smoke of incinerated flesh rise to the heavens, in the black of night, while enjoying your snack, and thinking about the bathrooms you’ll have to clean when you resume work.

FBI Agent Reveals A Christian Conspiracy Has Taken Over America

Symbols Of The Christian Conspiracy Which Has Taken Over Our Country

Symbols Of The Christian Conspiracy Which Has Taken Over America

Dan U. Gotabjokin, special FBI agent in charge of conspiracy investigations, reported a startling discovery today. “Christians have infiltrated America at every level of our Government,” said Agent Gotabjokin. “The President, as well as almost every member of Congress, has been seduced by this homophobic, misogynistic belief system which practices ritualized cannibalism as its central ceremony. Vile doesn’t begin to describe the insipidness behind this powerful conspiracy which has ripped the laws of America out of the secular hands of normal men and women and placed them into the hands of little boy rapists and hate-filled homophobes who, like evil versions of Johnny Appleseed, have spread their seeds of hatred and contempt all across America.  These Christians have also conspired to, and received, a tax exempt status at all levels of Government simple because they espouse a belief in an invisible deity. How this has happened is beyond my feeble mind to comprehend, but I must say, I am sickened by it. And I am embarrassed to call myself an American today, for my America is not one that is governed by a hate-based faith like Christianity, but one that is governed by all the people, for all the people, all the time. Shame on you America for allowing this devil to invade your spine like this. Shame on you. And if gods do exist, may they have mercy on you if you ever stand before them. I sure as hell would not.”

Pope Converts To Islam After Near Death Experience

New Muslim, Mohammad Ali Dolli

New Muslim, And Former Pope, Mohammad Ali Dolli

The Shire, Middle Earth.   In faith shattering news out of the Vatican today, former Catholic, and Pope, Francis has announced his conversion to Islam after having a near death experience while on vacation in Hawaii last week.  “I was doing what I normally do one morning, eating a big bowl of communion wafers with sugar and milk, when one of the wafers became lodged in my wind pipe and I blacked out,” the former Pope said earlier. “My man-servant, Robert Slippery Fella, luckily noticed me lying face down, and unconscious, in the bowl of wafers and performed CPR on me until I came to.  I had actually been dead for a minute or so before being revived and, during that minute, I clearly felt my soul leave my body and begin to enter the gates of Heaven. What shocked me about this experience was that I did not see Jesus in Heaven awaiting me but Allah and 72 virgin brides wearing T-shirts with my picture on them. Allah had a big smile on his face and was waving his finger at me as if to say, ‘See, Pope Francis, you had it ALL wrong.’ But just as he was about to open his mouth and speak to me, I was pulled back into the land of the living by the life saving efforts of Mr. Slippery Fella. Needless to say, I have forsworn my former, and erroneous, life as a Catholic and Pope, and have converted to Islam, the one, true religion. I have also changed my name to Mohammad Ali Dolli and will be moving to Mecca at the end of next month. Goodbye for now.  Assalaam-O-Alaikum.”