Harvard Janitor, Harry Sfinktor
A new study conducted by Harvard janitor, Harry Sfinktor was released today and reveals 98% of Americans believe British people talk “funny.” “Well don’t they?” Mr. Sfinktor said today on Fox News. “Just listen to ‘em, why don’t ya?! It’s like they’re trying to speak the same language we Americans do, but only with their mouths partially closed and their tongues anesthetized. It ain’t right, goddamnit! I tellz ya, it just ain’t right! I sure as hell don’t want my kids listening to them banter on like that. It’s terrifying. That’s what it is. Terrifying. Somethin’ is definitely wrong with those people. We Americans gave them a perfectly decent language, and they went and fucked it all to hell. That’s exactly what they did, it is! Well, I say, to hell with them! Over here in America, we’re Americans, and we speak our language the way it’s suppose to be spoken: the AMERICAN way. British people need to take a good long look at the study I conducted and start talkin’ correctly. ‘Cause if they don’t, we’ll take our language back from ‘em, and they’ll have to find another one to fuck up all on their own. Damn! Look at the time! I gotta run. Downton Abbey‘s on, and I’d hate to miss it.”
Who Wouldn’t Want To Think And Smell Like This Guy?
Men, would you like to attract women by emitting the scent of a Bronze Age Biblical writer? Women, would you find yourselves more eager to flop down and open your thighs for men if they smelled like Bronze Age Biblical writers? If you answered yes to these questions, then TACP store has just the product for you: Scent of Ham. A cologne that is guaranteed to make its wearer not only smell like Ken Ham, but think like him as well. Never before has there been a cologne that can reduce a man’s frontal cortex to the size of an amoeba while making his sweat glands as big as golf balls with one simple application. With one spray of Scent of Ham, even Richard Dawkins would be willing to stake his life on the fact the Earth is only 6000 years old and evolution is an atheist plot meant to prepare the world for the Anti-Christ. The primitive, manly aroma of Scent of Ham is so powerful, it can revive the sex drives of women who have been dead for centuries. They will literally leap from their graves as men wearing it pass by so they can get a better whiff before returning to the cold, dank earth. Buy a bottle now, while supplies last, and receive a free Crucifix, molded directly from the fossilized poop of a T-Rex, absolutely free!
Superman Blasting Batman With Heat Vision
Citizens of Batman’s home city, Gotham, were shocked to learn today that their beloved hero, Batman, had been reduced to a smouldering pile of ash by Superman during a very brief, and ridiculously ill-advised, fight the two had yesterday in Metropolis. “I used my heat vision to burn him into smouldering ash just seconds after the fight began,” the Man of Steel said. “I didn’t want to fight him. Really, I didn’t. But the dude just wouldn’t back off about how he was SOOO much smarter than me that he could whip me in a fight even though I have super powers and he doesn’t. I said to him, ‘Bats, we don’t EVER have to fight each other. We’re both good guys and we’re friends. We have been for years; so stop worrying about it.’
Pile Of Ash That Was Batman
He insisted on provoking me, however, by mocking both my Kryptonian parents, and my folks here on Earth. It wasn’t easy, but I took that in stride, chalking it up to how fucked up he was from witnessing his parents get murdered. But when he told me my dog, Krypto, was actually a cat trapped in a dog’s body, I just lost it and decided to fight him right then and there. So I vaporized his ass. No one makes fun of my dog, and I mean no one! Not even The Batman.”
Batman Leaves Avengers Mansion After Being Denied Membership
Batman, aka, The Dark Knight, was denied membership to the Avengers this evening ending a week-long trial with the group. “We hated to say no,” said Captain America, “but the guy just isn’t playing with a full deck. First off, he has ZERO super powers. Hell, even Hawkeye has a super sense when it comes to placing arrows in people’s eye sockets, but Batman, nothing. So that alone makes him a liability should we be fighting, say, Thanos and his intergalactic hordes. Secondly, the dude has MAJOR anger management problems. The Hulk, The Hulk, mind you, accidentally bumps into him in the chow-line the other day, and the dude friggin’ goes off on him like an a-bomb. Bats was cursing, punching, and kicking with such ferocity that had it been just an average guy and not The Hulk he was hitting, he would have really hurt him. The Hulk, however, just said something to the effect of, ‘Puny leotard man bother Hulk,’ then flicked his finger and Batman wound up 50 yards away and unconscious for an hour. Not good thinking there, Bats. So, for his own good, and the stability of our team, Batman will not be joining the Avengers. Robin will be here for a trial next week. Doubt he’ll impress us with any super powers, but odds are he’ll be sane at least.”
At a New York Dunkin Donuts this morning, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, revealed a spiffy new hat He received as an early birthday gift from His Father, God The Almighty. “Ain’t it cool,” said The Anointed One. ” It’s an MP3 player and a cell phone too! My Pop is just the best!!!” Jesus then ordered a dozen chocolate donuts and 24 billion munchkins which He said were for the souls in Purgatory who were suffering because He didn’t think they had kissed His ass enough to be in Heaven when they were alive.
That Were Never Said
Here’s a list of some truly amazing quotes attributed to famous people who actually never said them. I know they never said them because I just made them up right now.
1.) Jesus: “Hey! You! Centurion! Yes, you! Would you mind scratching my balls for me? My hands are nailed to this cross, and I can’t get to ‘em.”
2.) Bill Clinton: “No, my dear, I’m not going to light the cigar. I’m just going to poke it in and out for a bit. OK?”
3.) George W. Bush: “All we have to do is tell the idiots Saddam was behind 9/11, and they won’t see we’re committing a war crime.”
4.) Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer: “Your goddamn nose would be red too if you did as much blow as I do, Frosty. So bugger off before I stick you in a microwave and make soup outta ya!”
5.) Jabba The Hutt: “Baa wanga watta, wampa poopy wanga peep bongo! Haaa! Haaa! Hunggotta me wunga wee-wee small een ga! Haaa!”
‘Nuff said for now!
You bet your ass he can! I didn’t think a Christmas song could evoke positive sentimental feelings in me until I heard the Pogue’s “Fairytale of New York” a few years ago. Drunk tanks, failed dreams, arguments with my girlfriend, these things are human things, things I relate to. They remind me I am alive. I lived, and loved, and mattered. I made people angry, happy and sad sometimes, as they did me. It’s the process of living this song reminds me of, of being a part of existence with everyone else here. Right now. The first version of the song I’ve included here is with Alan Doyle, Samantha Barks, and Russell Crowe and was performed a few years ago in New York. The embedded video is a solo version of it performed by an Irish folk singer named Christy Moore. The more I hear this song, the more I love it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoVHclTIJjQ&list=FLoQATGhmPVfXvAGUtCHaVwg&index=13