Famous Historical Cock Suckers

We’ve all done it. You know, called someone a cock sucker regardless of whether or not we knew they actually were one. Well, I’ve discovered, through intensive meditation and shameless alcohol consumption, that humans have been referring to one another as cock suckers for thousands of years now. It is an inarguable fact, to those who chose to believe it is, that many famous and infamous people, all throughout history, were regularly referred to as cock suckers by those closest to them. A few are listed below for your intellectual perusal.

Who Doesn't Know This Gesture?

Who Doesn’t Know This Gesture?

Famous Historical Cock Suckers

1.) Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses the Second. Ramses was first called a cock sucker while in High School by his Junior year French teacher, a smokin’ hot Hebrew babe named, Sasha Vaginastein. The two were rumored to be lovers and Ms. Vaginastein almost exclusively referred to Ramses as her “little cock sucker” when speaking about him. “My little cock sucker’s gonna be Pharaoh one day, so don’t fuck with me,” she’d often say to those who had offended her in some way. Ironically, Ms. Vaginastein was caught sucking the cock of a palace guard shortly after Ramses became Pharaoh. He had her buried alive with the guard’s severed cock sewn into her mouth. Ouch.

Little Cock Sucker

Little Cock Sucker

2.) Judas Iscariot. There’s not much to say about Judas, other than the fact he is the first scientifically confirmed person in history exclusively referred to as a cock sucker in a derogatory fashion. “That cock sucker always over cooks my matzo balls,” Peter was once heard saying in reference to him. As well, Luke’s voice could often be heard bellowing out commands to him like these: “Clean my feet, cock sucker,” and, “Suck my cock, cock sucker.” Biblical scholars have recently confirmed this was the reason Judas betrayed Jesus. Can’t really say I blame the cock sucker, though. Can you?

Now We Know Why

Now We Know Why

3.) Anne Boleyn. “You’ll really like Anne, she’s a cock sucker.” These were the words Anne’s own father used when he first described her to Henry the 8th. “I LOVE cock suckers,” was Henry’s reply, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Anne's Talent Couldn't Save Her From This

Anne’s Talent Couldn’t Save Her From This

 

 

Carl Sagan Returns From The Dead Via Wormhole

Carl Sagan returned from the dead a few hours ago. Here’s what he had to say about it.

“In spite of the billions and billions of odds against it, I’ve come back from the dead via the wormhole you see behind me in the picture below:

I'm Baaaack!

I’m Baaaack!

I had a hypothesis that traveling between the realms of the living and the dead might be possible provided you had a nice, fat wormhole connecting them that you could crawl through to do it. But before I had the opportunity to make or buy such a wormhole to test that hypothesis, I died. Once that happened, I assumed I no longer existed. Until I realized, if I’m still able to make such an assumption after I’ve already died, then obviously I still exist or I wouldn’t be able to make the assumption I didn’t.  Thus, having established for myself I did, in fact, still exist, even though I had died, I set about the business of making a big, fat wormhole to see if I could crawl through it and return to the realm of the living. And guess what? I can.  And now that I am here, I think I’ll help my old friend Neil deGrasse Tyson co-host ‘Cosmos.’ That should send its ratings into the stratosphere as well as freak out fundamentalist, knowledge-fearing, Christians. I always enjoyed it whenever I could do that. That’s all for now folks. I gotta crawl back through the wormhole. I think I may have left my stove on.”

Brew Ha Ha Erupts At Annual Heaven/Hell Easter Gathering

When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.

 Jesus Tells Me His Story

Jesus Tells Me His Story

“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first few hours. Elvis got Buddy Holly and Roy Orbison to sing ‘Heart Break Hotel’ with him at one point, and it totally kicked ass! However, as has happened once too often now, the bloody Nazis just couldn’t resist the temptation to pick on famous Old Testament Jews.

Who'd Think This Sign Is Funny?

Who’d Think This Sign Is Funny?

From what I could gather, Joseph Mengele apparently thought it would be knee-slappingly hilarious to tape a big swastika onto the back of the Prophet Isiah who’d, once again, drunk himself into a stupor and passed out, face first, on one of the buffet tables. No one noticed it at first, but then Hitler saw it and let out a laugh so loud it shook the windows. This woke Isiah who quickly reached behind his back and removed the swastika. He then let fly a series of X-rated superlatives so crude even soldiers in the midst of battle couldn’t match them. This, of course, only provoked Hitler to more laughter, which, in turn, motivated a nearby Noah to punch Hitler in the face. Hitler then fell backward onto the floor, right in front of Gerald Ford, who, of course, tripped over him and fall into the door of a nearby broom closet producing a loud, BANG!  The door swung open to reveal a very startled JFK with his pants down and his snoodle up the doodle of Marilyn Monroe. To add more fuel to the fire, Jackie O happened to be sitting at a table directly across from all this flirting with Genghis Khan. When she saw Kennedy and Monroe together, she grabbed the sword Genghis Khan had next to him and charged the broom closet. I was just coming back into the building with Jim Morrison, we were out back smoking a pipe during all this, when Jackie O started her charge.

Taken By Jesus From Jackie O

Sword Jesus Took From Jackie

Immediately, I froze time, I’m God, I can do shit like that, and took the sword from her before unfreezing it. Then I held her in a bear hug until she calmed enough for me to trust she wouldn’t kill anyone. I then spent the next several hours sorting out what the hell happened. Once I had, I made Mengele apologize to Isiah for acting like such a, well, Nazi, and explained to Noah that, even though Hitler is evil incarnate, it was wrong to strike him. We simply have to be better than that. Anyway, after that, I came here to chill and think for a while. I’ve decided Heaven and Hell will celebrate holidays separately from now on. I’m just getting too damn old for this kinda shit.”  The end.

 

 

 

 

Neil deGrasse Tyson Accused Of Being A Cannibal By Christian Rights Activist

The latest non-believer in the conservative Christian dog house, “Cosmos” host, Neil deGrasse Tyson, was accused this morning of being a cannibal by a Christian rights activist named Mary Slickpusie. “Mr. Tyson walked up to me last night as I was nailing a sign to his front door reading, ‘Stop Polluting God’s Children With Lies About Evolution Or We’ll Kill You,’ and gave me the most evil look I’ve ever seen, anyone give anyone, ever,” Ms. Slickpusie said to reporters this morning.”The look was so filled with the evil power of Satan, it allowed Mr. Tyson to project his thoughts into my mind telepathically. Once there, he informed me he hated Jesus so much he ate Christian babies, alive, every night just to make him cry.

Nail Another Sign On My Door, Bitch, And It Won't Be An Infant I'll Be Eating!

Nail Another Sign On My Door, Bitch, And It Won’t Be An Infant I’ll Be Eating!

Neil Tyson should be arrested, castrated, and fed alive to starving crocodiles for projecting his thoughts into my mind without asking for permission and for cannibalizing Christian infants on a nightly basis. And just in case no one’s noticed, Mr. Tyson is black. That alone is enough to convict and hang him in some Conservative, Christian States. Thus, I’m asking that the FBI and the CIA join forces immediately to hunt down and kill Neil deGrasse Tyson and bring an end to his campaign of hate against Jesus, the Bible, and racist, conservative, richer than any Liberal will ever be, Christians once and for all. Amen, and Hallelujah!”

 

New Hero, Prurient Man, To Debut In Next Avengers Movie

“Prurient Man is gonna rock the world next summer when “Avengers: Age of Ultron” comes out,” said the film’s director, Joss Whedon, earlier today. “He’s like a cross between a sleazy strip club owner with yellow, rotting teeth and a really horned up Batman.

 Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

His special power is to be so lurid and sexually inappropriate with any villain unfortunate enough to face him in a fight, the shame and revulsion the villain feels from it renders them completely powerless and emotionally crippled for life. To give fans an early teaser as to what they can expect from this new hero, here’s a bit of dialog between Prurient Man and Thor from when they first meet, early on in the film. BTW, we’re shooting for an NC17 rating on this film, so, please, stop reading right now if you’re not 17 or over. Thank you for your cooperation!”

Thor: So, mortal, Tony Stark tells me you sent 45 twelve-inch black dildos to his girlfriend, Pepper Potts, last night with a note reading, “Suck on these baby, for practice, cause tonight I’m bringing home the entire Oakland Raiders football team to fuck you in all your womanly orifices while I watch and stroke my dick. Love always, your man with the Iron Cock, Tony.” I fail to see the humor of such a prank, mortal. And frankly, the very sight of you makes me feel as if I’ve not bathe in a whole millennium.

Prurient Man: Thor, I must tell you, I’ve often fantasized about being tied, naked, and erect, to your mighty hammer, Mjolnir, while you, naked and wet from a long hot shower you’ve just shared with your brother, Loki, toss it around trying to, shall we say, toss me “off” before we gallantly go to lather and shave the privy parts of a truly incorrigible young, lady villain garbed only in a tattered pair of pink, crotchless panties and a thick, gold clit ring.

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

Thor: Odin’s beard, mortal! Do you have no shame? Still your foul tongue and say not another word, or I shall tear the accursed thing from your mouth and burn it to ash with lightning from Mjolnir!

That’s it folks. Sorry, but we gotta wait til next summer for more. However, Joss Whedon did assure us here at TACP that if you felt Prurient Man’s behavior was bad in this small scene, with a fellow hero, just wait til you see what’s in store for the villains of the film.

Haters In The Hands Of A Hateful God

I am the Reverend Johnny Edmonds. And I come before you today to tell you that YOU are but haters in the hands of a HATEFUL God! For YOU are but hateful and ugly creatures in His eyes. God HATES you, and His hatred of you fills Him completely. He hates you because YOU dare to hate in His name.

God's Hatred Of YOU Knows No Bounds!

God’s Hatred Of YOU Knows No Bounds!

YOU are hanging, my brothers and sisters, hanging like spiders on thinning webs over the eternal flames of Hell. The Hell which God has made for you out of His hatred for you. And the tiny webs from which your sick, spidery bodies dangle are melting. Melting from God’s HATRED of YOU. You are all haters in the hands of a hateful God. And YOU will burn for all eternity. Burn in a Hell of God’s hatred of you because YOU dare to hate in His name. Yes,YOU! YOU, who hate those who are different from you, and who persecute them for those differences in HIS Holy Name! He HATES you. YOU, who say it is HE who tells you your hate is justified. Justified by the nonsensical writings of old, dead fools, in ancient decrypted texts which you cling to like baby sheep to their dead mother’s teets. Know you this: those old, dead fools, like YOU, are hated by God! And they now burn in a Hell of God’s HATRED. A Hell YOU too will burn in soon. You will burn in it for your BLIND self-loving ways. And you will burn in it for having the audacity to think YOU know the will of God. It is YOU He HATES! YOU who blasphemies in HIS name! YOU. You who He will torture for all eternity in the FIRES of the Hell He’s created for you.

YOU Shall Burn In The Fire Of God's Hatred Of You

YOU Shall Burn In The Fire Of God’s Hatred Of You

YOU whose flesh will bubble from your bones over, and over, and over, and over, and over again for ALL time in the HELL of God’s HATE for YOU!  You will feel the HATE of the ALMIGHTY soon, my brothers and sisters. For soon He will breathe HIS hate-filled damnation on you with His breath of fiery, fetid  fury and YOU, you sinful mockeries of  life, you will KNOW how terrible it was that you HATED in His name. So it is said, and so shall it be done! Amen.

Velcro Is To Roswell As Bullshit Is To…..?

Don’t know how this amazing piece of well-known, undeniable proof has eluded me all these years, but, apparently, we would not have Velcro today had aliens not crashed landed a space ship in the Mexican desert in the 1950′s. That’s what a Faith-filled alien conspiracy believer shouted at me yesterday when I told him I did not see any conceivable reason to believe such an event happened.

 Proof The Government Is Hiding A Crashed Alien Space Craft

Proof The Government Is Hiding A Crashed Alien Space Craft

And I mean SHOUTED at me, as if I’d questioned his manhood or some other deeply sensitive thing. “What about fuckin’ Velcro, mother fucker?! Explain that shit, you shit head!” I also didn’t realize that by not believing in alien space craft crash conspiracies I was a “mother fucker” and a “shit head.” Live and learn, I guess. There are two words that come into my mind lately whenever I’m told about U.S. grand scheme cover-up conspiracies: Edward Snowden. You remember him don’t you, the NSA entry-level worker who blew the whistle on the illegal internet spying the U.S. does on its own citizens? That Edward Snowden. It amazes me how so many believe the “Government” to be so omnipotent and God-like that it can hide an alien space craft in the New Mexican desert for 70 years and murder 3000 innocent people on 9/11 without a single piece of credible evidence to these Earth changing events ever being produced by anyone, ever, and, at the same time, be so oafish as to let Snowden do what he did. Because believe me, the NSA did NOT want Snowden doing what he did and then, worse yet, rubbing their faces in it by running to Russia for protection and becoming Putin’s personal bitch. Velcro. Velcro is the fucking selling point for these idiots. Mother fucking Velcro. I’m convinced, that if an alien species did come here, they’d turn tail and run. We are a stupid lot, collectively speaking. I would fly off right now myself, except, last time I checked, Velcro did not work well as a warp drive for inter galactic space travel.