Tag Archives: movies

12.31.23
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Happy New Year! Look What We Have In Store For You This Year

     As a grand way to start out this spanking new year, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator would like to fill you in on some of the upcoming films our multi-billion dollar production company, We Film ‘Em, You Watch ‘Em, has coming out.  On February 15th, we have a delightful remake of Charlie’s Angels called, Donald’s Demons coming out.  The movie stars Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Boebert, and Lindsey Graham as three uppity FBI ladies who take orders from their boss, a guy calling himself only “Donald” who speaks to them only via a speaker phone in FBI headquarters.  Hilarity ensues as the three uppity ladies are asked to hunt down and destroy any and all “woke” activity they see poisoning the waters of America.  Be sure not to miss it.

   Next we have a little film we call Ron DeSantis vs The Florida Democratic Swamp Monster which comes out in June this year.  This film stars Sean Penn as Governor DeSantis and Barrack Obama as the evil, twisted Florida swamp creature that is destroying Christian and GOP children all throughout Florida  by giving them books to read that may or may not have been written by gay authors.  This one is a massive special effects bonanza so be sure and put it on your calendar. 

  And lastly, for now at least, we have a little horror film coming out in October called, An American Woke Liberal in Kentucky.   This film stars Senator Mitch McConnell as a Catholic exorcist who’s been sent by the Pope to Louisville, Kentucky because of rumors a trans woman is living there who’s been trying to get the state to turn blue.  “This type of activity MUST be exorcised from the state before it ruins it!” McConnell cries as the film begins.  This one’s gonna win an Academy Award, methinks!  So buckle up for fun at the movies this year folks.  And be sure to check back here to find out about more films coming later this year from The Arm Chair Pontificator and We Film ‘Em, You Watch ‘Em productions!

03.19.18
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I Knew I’d Hate It, But I Did It Anyway

“Man, I REALLY hated all 6 of those Lord of the Rings and Hobbit films.”  “Christ, all NINE of those Star Wars movies are awful.”  “By Odin’s beard!  I truly hated all 20 of those Marvel  super hero movies I’ve paid to see!”   “I HATE Shakespeare, but I went to see Romeo and Juliet anyway, and I hated it.”  I can not tell you the number of times I’ve heard people make comments like this.  Sometimes, they make them directly to me knowing I get great enjoyment from Shakespeare, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Marvel  movies.   I’m literally stunned by the utter idiocy of such people.  All film is subjective.  People like some types of movies,  and others they don’t like.   If someone doesn’t like, say, Lord of the Rings movies, I get it.  That’s fine.  I do like them, but, for those who don’t, sitting through one of them must be sheer torture.   I’m like that with the opera.  Can’t stand it.   So, I don’t go.   But when I hear things like, “I really hated ALL of those Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies.  They ALL sucked, and people who like them are not as film savvy as I am, ” I think, really?  So, you went to see one of these 3 hour long films, hated it; then spent your money FIVE more times on FIVE more movies that you ALREADY knew you’d hate before you saw them, and you expect me, or anyone else, to take anything you say seriously?   If you are a person like this, you are an absolute fucking idiot.   I mean a complete, unadulterated, fucking idiot. I simply am baffled by people like this.  At this point in time there are more movies of EVERY kind being made all across the world–more independent films; more dramas, and more foreign, esoteric, films that make no fucking sense to me but many people do like.   And, in a city like Chicago, where I live, there are numerous theaters showing all of these kinds of movies all the time.  For those not living near such a theater, there are numerous streaming services that show an unlimited variety of EVERY type of movie any time you want to watch one.   So, if you are one of these fucking idiots who continue to repeatedly spend your hard-earned money on movies you know before hand you’ll hate, don’t.  Either see one you think you might like, or send your money to me since you seem to have an unlimited amount of it to waste on things you hate.

BTW, as a final thought on this purely idiotic behavior, if you hate jalapenos on your pizza but constantly order pizza with jalapenos then shout out, “That pizza sucked!  The jalapenos ruined it,” the problem isn’t the pizza–it’s you.  You’re a total, complete, fucking idiot.  You’re not smarter than those who like jalapenos on their pizza, nor are you eloquent in the way you express your dislike of them.  You’re simply a fucking idiot.  So, please, for my sake and the sake of others throughout the universe who are not you, if you know already you don’t like a certain type movie or food, don’t spend your money on it.  Spend it on something you like, or, at least, if you simply MUST spend it on something you already know you don’t like, spend some cash having your jaw wired shut first so I, and others, won’t have to be bothered by your idiotic banter explaining that, once again, you didn’t like the thing you already knew you wouldn’t like.   Idiots.  There are far too many of them in the world.

01.21.18
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Upcoming Movies About Donald Trump

The following Arm Chair Pontificator produced movies about Donald Trump will be released this year.   I produced them because I feel Donald Trump is a spiffy keen fella who simply doesn’t get enough press.

1.)  Since It Was There, I Had The Right To Grab It.    This film is directed by Francis Ford Coppola and stars Ed Asner as Donald Trump.   It consists of a series of vignettes showing Trump grabbing various women by their genitals and shouting, “I’m famous, so I get to do this!”  When the women complain about this, we cut to closeups of Republican congress members covering their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and/or simply shrugging their shoulders and walking away.   The film ends with Trump firing Robert Mueller and Republicans having a kegger party on the White House lawn to celebrate.   It will be released this March and will be rated “G” so it can be enjoyed by the whole family.

Ed Asner as Donald Trump

 

2.)   Republicans, Pedophiles, And Christianity.   This film is directed by Roman Polanski and stars Harvey Weinstein as Trump, Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell and Bruce Willis as Roy Moore.   It’s a road picture with our three leads traveling across the country handing out bibles, hitting on underage girls, and spreading the word of Christ to everyone they meet.  Along the way they kick the asses of snowflake liberals and social justice warriors who believe sexual predators and pedophiles should not be running the country.   This film is a laugh a minute, and if you don’t think pedophiles and right-wing, theocratic Christians can peacefully co-exist, you will after you see this.  It’s rated “R” because of the intense sexual nature of some of the scenes and will be released just in time for Memorial Day.   Don’t miss it!

“It wuz da Demmocwats who did it,” says Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell

 

3.)  Rich Daddy,  Spoiled Donny.   This little gem is directed by Stephen Spielberg and stars Bela Lugosi’s corpse as Donald Trump’s father, Frederick, and comedian Carrot Top as the young Donald.    The film consists of dozens of scenes of Donald asking his father to: 1.) Get him out of the draft for Vietnam (5 times).  2.) Help him pay off millions of dollars of debt for making idiotic business decisions (17 or 18 times).   3.) Pay for prostitutes to pee on him and/or spank him with rolled up copies of Forbes magazine (too many times to count).   4.)  Give him multiple buildings in Manhattan worth tens of millions of dollars apiece without having to lift a finger to earn them.   5.) Make the many lawsuits against him for not paying his employees simply “go away” without any questions asked.   Watch Donald throw hissy-fits every time his father tries to deny him a request.  Watch as Donald pouts, cries, shouts,  and breaks things until his father caves in to his every demand.  This is a harrowing tale of how a very, very rich man turned his son into a spoiled rotten, impish man-child by giving in to his every demand no matter how extreme or obscene.   Keep the kiddies at home for this one folks.  Only the most mature audience members will be able to witness the creation of the infantile brat who now leads America without coming away with a severe case of clinical depression.   The film is rated NC17 for this reason and will be released at the end of August.

Carrot Top as the young Donald Trump

 

 

08.29.16
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Coming Soon From TACP Studios: Barack And The Giant Peach

Get ready to laugh your backside off this fall when TACP Studios new film, Barack And The Giant Peach comes to a theater near you.   The film stars Barack Obama as a poor peach farmer named Barack Pickleburger who comes across a magical talking giant peach, played by Donald Trump, while picking peaches in his peach tree orchard one day.

Barack Obama IS Barack Pumpernickle

Barack Obama IS Barack Pickleburger

The two immediately get into a name-calling contest over whose political ideas regarding the inalienable rights of peaches are correct.   Barack strongly feels peaches are here to be freely eaten by humans and emphatically says things like, “The only good peach is a chewed peach.”  And, “A peach not being eaten has absolutely no business being in America.”

Donald Trump IS The Magical Giant Peach

Donald Trump IS The Magical Talking Giant Peach

Donald Trump, as the Giant Peach, retorts with witty comments like these: “Peaches are valuable just because we are.  Eating us is not only unnecessary, it’s barbaric and cruel.”  And, “If you don’t stop eating my people, I’m going to build a wall around this peach tree orchard so you can’t get to it, and I’m gonna make YOU pay for it.”  Enjoy the laughs this fall!  Buy your tickets now for Barack And The Giant Peach on Fandango before they’re all sold out.  This is a film you most definitely do not want to miss.

07.12.16
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Donald Days And Jedi Knights: A New Film From TACP Studios

Donald Trump As Darth Narcissist

Donald Trump As Darth Narcissist

If you’re a Star Wars fan, or just a fan of good ole fashion CRAZY movies, you’re gonna love the newest film from TACP Studios: Donald Days And Jedi Knights.   The film was written by, directed by, and stars, Donald Trump as Darth Narcissist, the biggest self-loving Dark Lord in the galaxy.

WATCH!  As billionaire Darth Narcissist and his millions of mindless, white, minions, known lovingly as the Trumpettes, mock those weaker, poorer, less fortunate, and browner than they are.

CRINGE!  As Darth Narcissist sweeps all the women in the film off their feet and seduces them with his beautiful, boyish good looks.

SHIVER!  As you see Darth Narcissist use his conservative, and very expensive, custom-made, light sabre to slice to bits the last remaining hope for the Progressive movement in the galaxy, Obi-Bernie-Wan-Sanders.

VOMIT! As you realize this isn’t really a film, but news footage of what’s actually happening right now in America.

WEEP!  As Darth Narcissist proclaims himself Emperor of the World for life and vows to euthanize any and all who question his greatness.

PAY!  A whopping 25 dollars a ticket to see this film or risk the wrath Darth Narcissist himself.

GET!  A free “Trump’s Ass Is Great-That’s Why I Kiss It” T-shirt with each ticket purchase while supplies last.

SEE!  You all at the film’s premier on August 5th, 2016.

02.01.16
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The Irrevenant

Actor Andy Serkis As CGI Character, Larry Languid, The Laziest Man Alive

Andy Serkis As Lawrence Languid, The Laziest Man Alive

Coming next year from TACP Productions: The Irrevenant, the sequel to this year’s feel-good smash hit, The Revenant.   The Irrevenant takes place 125 years after The Revenant and follows a man named Lawrence Languid, the laziest man alive, as he tries to summon enough energy to get revenge against the man who’s ridiculed him since high school, Tommy The Terrible.   The parts of Lawrence Languid and Tommy The Terrible will both be played by motion capture specialist Andy “Gollum” Serkis.  If Serkis doesn’t get at least two Oscars for this film, I’ll eat a whole bag of Oreo’s myself.    The film has been budgeted at 200 million dollars and will be directed by J.J. Abrams, the director of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.   The Irrevenant will be in theaters on December 12th, 2017, and it’s gonna be a tear-jerker, so stock up on Kleenex before you see it.