5 Things I’ve Tried To Do That Didn’t Pan Out

1.)  I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.

2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.

3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.

4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.

5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.



Things I Shouldn’t Have Done At the Zoo

1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.

2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.

3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.

4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.

5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.

6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.

7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.

8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.

9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.

10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.

Things I’ve Decided To Never Again Do Naked

Artist’s Rendering Of Me Practicing Ballet, Circa 1995

1.) Ask a woman out on a date for the first time.

2.) Walk into a gas station to ask for directions.

3.) Juggle 5 cats at the same time.

4.) Go into a biker bar and yell out,” You’re all a bunch of sissies!”

5.) Deliver pizza to a 5 year old’s birthday party.

6.) Work as a CNA in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients.

7.) Tell the cop who just pulled me over, “Look, I don’t have my license on me cause I’m not wearing any clothes!”

8.) Ride a horse through the city in a snow storm.

9.) Sunbathe next to a convent filled with horny nuns.

10.) Jump on a trampoline in school yard full of children.

And In Conclusion…


1.)  And in conclusion, I promise to never again eat several cans of kidney beans before going on a long distance car trip with you.

2.)  And in conclusion, since Father O’Connell has promised to NEVER again fondle little boys’ genitals, we’ve decided to relocate him to a distant parish where no one knows who he is or what he’s been accused of doing.

3.)  And in conclusion, as should be obvious to anyone who was actually listening to me, I said “Virginia,” not “vagina”.

4.)  And in conclusion, in spite of what you may have read on the internet, AED’s should NOT be used to treat erectile dysfunction.

5.)  And in conclusion, letting wolverines loose at a child’s birthday party is not humorous and will always result in an indictment and multiple law suits.

6.)  And in conclusion, have a great weekend everyone, and thanks for reading.

Things I’m Having A Hard Time Doing

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

1.) I’ve been trying to get a divorce, but since I’m not married, I’m finding it hard to do.

2.) I’m trying to become mayor of a small town in Mexico, any small Mexican town will do, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I’m finding it difficult to do.

3.) I’m trying to build a particle accelerator in my studio apartment, but I’m finding it hard to do because I don’t have enough room.

4.) I’m trying to start a career as a porn star by touting myself as The Stud With The 15″ Penis, but since my penis is only 5 and one half inches, I’m finding it difficult to do.

5.) I’m trying to come up with ten of these but I’m finding it hard to do, so I’ll end here.


10 Things I’ve Recently Learned


Here are 10 things I’ve learned recently.

1.) I do not have the power of 50 men in my right arm.

2.) I should not jump off garage roofs for fun.

3.) Skunks do not like to be cuddled.

4.) Placing one’s hand into a mound of fire ants has very painful consequences.

5.) Tequila is not for snorting.

6.) Women do not find it sexy that I can eat 12 jelly donuts at once.

7.) A good way to lose friends is by putting tiger balm in their jocks.

8.) Spitting cobras are not good pets for the elderly.

9.) Calling large, muscular dudes in the gym sissy-boys is a bad idea.

10.) Riding horses naked through large metropolitan areas in subzero weather impresses no one.