Of the many wonderful things I’ve learned during the past four years of the Trump Administration, the fact that alternative facts exist and are true if they can’t be proven false is my most cherished. To honor this wonderful tidbit of information, I’ve compiled a list of ten alternative facts I’ve pulled from my arse that are obviously true because no one will ever be able to prove they’re not. As you read through them, remember this: just because a fact is alternate to what you perceive as reality does not, in any way, make it any less a fact or any less true. $Amen$
10.) Gravity is fake news. It isn’t real. The real reason we don’t fly off of the Earth is because Jesus is personally holding each of us onto it with His warm, loving hands.
9.) Dogs are really cats that bark.
8.) Democrats were put on Earth by Satan to torment Christians by eating their children in pizza parlor basements throughout the country.
7.) Barrack Obama is both a devout Muslim AND a rampant, angry atheist who hates people of all faiths.
6.) Fish don’t exist. We only think they do because the liberal media keeps telling us they do. Assholes!
5.) The Earth is neither flat or round. It is triangle shaped and is carried around the galaxy on the back of a big hairless dog named Poochie.
4.) Donald Trump easily won the 2020 Presidential election by 700 billion votes.
3.) Old MacDonald never owned a farm. He was a gay hairdresser who lived in Queens in the 1960’s.
2.) The itsy bitsy spider was actually 28 ft long and feasted on children all throughout England from 1687 until it was finally killed with a stick of dynamite by a Catholic nun named Bertha in the Spring of 1979.
1.) Humpty Dumpty was, indeed, put back together after his near fatal fall and became a shoe cobbler in Northern Ireland until the day he died in 1789. The remnants of his shell were then used to fertilize the garden were Jack planted the bean stalk that he climbed to rob a sky giant who never bothered a fucking person until Jack decided to rob him of his gold.