Things I’ve Decided To Never Again Do Naked

Artist’s Rendering Of Me Practicing Ballet, Circa 1995

1.) Ask a woman out on a date for the first time.

2.) Walk into a gas station to ask for directions.

3.) Juggle 5 cats at the same time.

4.) Go into a biker bar and yell out,” You’re all a bunch of sissies!”

5.) Deliver pizza to a 5 year old’s birthday party.

6.) Work as a CNA in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients.

7.) Tell the cop who just pulled me over, “Look, I don’t have my license on me cause I’m not wearing any clothes!”

8.) Ride a horse through the city in a snow storm.

9.) Sunbathe next to a convent filled with horny nuns.

10.) Jump on a trampoline in school yard full of children.

And In Conclusion…

concuse3

1.)  And in conclusion, I promise to never again eat several cans of kidney beans before going on a long distance car trip with you.

2.)  And in conclusion, since Father O’Connell has promised to NEVER again fondle little boys’ genitals, we’ve decided to relocate him to a distant parish where no one knows who he is or what he’s been accused of doing.

3.)  And in conclusion, as should be obvious to anyone who was actually listening to me, I said “Virginia,” not “vagina”.

4.)  And in conclusion, in spite of what you may have read on the internet, AED’s should NOT be used to treat erectile dysfunction.

5.)  And in conclusion, letting wolverines loose at a child’s birthday party is not humorous and will always result in an indictment and multiple law suits.

6.)  And in conclusion, have a great weekend everyone, and thanks for reading.

Things I’m Having A Hard Time Doing

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

1.) I’ve been trying to get a divorce, but since I’m not married, I’m finding it hard to do.

2.) I’m trying to become mayor of a small town in Mexico, any small Mexican town will do, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I’m finding it difficult to do.

3.) I’m trying to build a particle accelerator in my studio apartment, but I’m finding it hard to do because I don’t have enough room.

4.) I’m trying to start a career as a porn star by touting myself as The Stud With The 15″ Penis, but since my penis is only 5 and one half inches, I’m finding it difficult to do.

5.) I’m trying to come up with ten of these but I’m finding it hard to do, so I’ll end here.

 

10 Things I’ve Recently Learned

things

Here are 10 things I’ve learned recently.

1.) I do not have the power of 50 men in my right arm.

2.) I should not jump off garage roofs for fun.

3.) Skunks do not like to be cuddled.

4.) Placing one’s hand into a mound of fire ants has very painful consequences.

5.) Tequila is not for snorting.

6.) Women do not find it sexy that I can eat 12 jelly donuts at once.

7.) A good way to lose friends is by putting tiger balm in their jocks.

8.) Spitting cobras are not good pets for the elderly.

9.) Calling large, muscular dudes in the gym sissy-boys is a bad idea.

10.) Riding horses naked through large metropolitan areas in subzero weather impresses no one.