Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40

 

 

 

 

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5 Spiffy Arguments That You Can Use To Blow People’s Minds

Wanna bend people’s minds and blow ’em through the stratosphere like a true, blue young earth creationist?  Just use one or two of these well-argued arguments and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows you.

1.)  If someone tells you the earth is older than 6000 years and wasn’t created by God, ask them this:   “Well, how do you know?  Where you there 6000 years ago when God created it?”  Ha!  that one’s a mic dropper, ain’t it.

2.)  Tell someone Julius Caesar never lived and is a fictional character.  If they disagree with you, say this:  “How would you know?  Were you there when he lived?”  Awesome, right!  You should see the looks I get from people when I drop this logic bomb on them!

3.)  Tell people you are being abducted by grey-skinned aliens every night, having coffee with them, and, sometimes, having sex with them.   If they question this assertion, tell them this: “Look, since you’re not there when this happens to me, and these aliens, for some reason, won’t appear to anyone BUT me, you can’t say it isn’t happening.   Until you can prove to me that it isn’t happening, it is.”  BAM!!!   YUGE win for the home team!

3.)  If someone tells you that climate change is real and 99% of earth’s scientists believe this, drop this winner on them: “Oh, really?  Since it can’t be ABSOLUTELY proven, with 100% certainty, that this is true, it isn’t, so you lose, you fuckin’ libtard!”   This one is SUCH a wonderful argument, I’m often punched in face right after I tell it to someone.  Libtards are SO sensitive when they’re proven wrong, aren’t they.

4.)  Here’s a great statement to say to people at kids’ birthday parties:  “All women who claim they’ve been sexually assaulted, and don’t have video and/or DNA evidence to prove it, are liars.”   If people attempt to question this or act offended that you said it, tell ’em this:  “Look, sissy, were you there when every woman who says she was sexually assaulted was?  If you weren’t then shut up with your stupid questions and go home!”  Man, this one is SO solid, I often pee a little after I say it!

5.)  Finally, here’s a great argument to prove whatever it is you believe to be true is.  “Since we don’t know everything about everything, then we must believe anything MIGHT be true.  Thus, what I’m saying is true no matter how much you don’t believe it or how extremely unlikely you say it is!”   This argument has ended more conversations for me than I can number.  Use it, and you’ll see why.

Peace out, and remember, since all opinions are equal, yours are some of the most brilliant that have ever been held in mankind’s history.

 

10 Things That Are True Because We Can’t Prove They’re Not

1.)  We aren’t absolutely certain how the Egyptian pyramids were built, therefore they MUST have been built by aliens from space.

2.)  If a door suddenly slams shut in the middle of the night in your apartment and you don’t immediately see anyone around who could have slammed it, it MUST have been a ghost.

3.)  If a tornado kills hundreds of people during a terrible storm, it MUST have been because God hates gays.

4.)  When your favorite team wins the Super Bowl, it MUST be because God loves them more than the other team.

5.)  God IS the creator of the multiverse because no one can prove she’s not.

6.)  Aliens are, nightly, abducting people into their ships and fondling their genitals. And one can prove they’re not.

7.)  There is no God but Allah, and no one can definitively prove otherwise.

8.)  Jesus is God, the only god, and part of a trilogy of gods who are, in fact, only one god, even though there are three of them, and there’s not a single person alive who can prove with 100% certainty that this is not true.

9.)  It is a fact that there are hundreds, or perhaps even thousands of gods, as the Hindus believe, and not even Steven Hawking, with Einstein’s help, could have shown, without ANY doubt whatsoever, that this is NOT absolutely true.

10.)  Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama are running a very secret, no one knows about it, not really, child prostitution ring out of a pizza parlor with the help of the CIA, the FBI, the NAACP, and the ACLU, and there’s no one, no group, and no organization that can ABSOLUTELY show that this very secret, almost unknown activity, is in fact, NOT really happening.

 

 

 

 

10 Rules To Live By

Here are ten golden rules to live by.  These are serious rules.  They’re not funny or satirical in any way.  They are NOT an example of Poe’s Law.   They MIGHT be sponsored and practiced by the Illuminati, the Deep State, and QAnon.   If you don’t believe all I’ve written here, you’re wrong and need to slam your head into a wall until you WAKE UP AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH REALITY!!!!!  OK, here are the rules.

1.)  Whatever you think to be true, is.

2.)  If anyone questions your beliefs, they’re wrong.

3.)  If you agree with someone famous, that person is right and can not be wrong.

4.)  Proof of an invisible supernatural world rests in the fact that science doesn’t have EVERY answer to EVERY question and never did.

5.)  Your world view is the RIGHT world view.  Thus, those not holding said view are fair game to be called names and mocked.

6.)  The deeper your belief in something, the more truthful it is.

7.)  People who behave differently than what you deem to be normal are weird.

8.)  If someone doesn’t meet your standard of what is beautiful, they’re not.

9.)  Your opinion is equal to, or more important than, any other opinion –no matter what the opinion is, who states it or what it’s about.

10.)  Politics based on identity are annoying, disgusting, and a HUGE sign of hyper-sensitivity and weakness–unless they’re about you and who YOU are as a person.

 

 

I’m Sorry I was Naked When….

I’m Sorry I Was Naked When ….

1.)  …. I crawled into your parents bedroom window late one night to introduce myself as your fiance.

2.)  …. I delivered flowers to your 98-year-old grandmother at her nursing home on a sunny Summer day.

3.)  …. I played Santa one Christmas at a downtown dept store.

4.)  …. I applied for a job at the FBI building in New York in the middle of a blizzard a few years ago.

5.)  …. I borrowed your sister’s bike to ride around town with for a few hours and not returning it til the police told me I had to.

6.)  …. I showed up at your son’s Bar Mitzvah and asked if I could borrow some sugar.

7.)  …. I got pulled over for speeding and had to tell the cops I’d left my wallet at home.

8.)  …. I tried to hail a taxi in downtown Chicago at 4AM one winter night in ’97.

9.)  …. I tried to file a sexual harassment complaint against my fellow KFC workers during spring break from my classes at Harvard one year.

10.)  …. I showed up at a children’s birthday party in Chucky Cheese and demanded they give me a slice.

 

 

 

10 Reasons Why Americans Are Superior To The British

10.)  British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it.  Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.

9.)  British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”.  This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous.  Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage?  Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.

8.)  British people drive on the wrong side of the road.  Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous.  If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.

7.)  The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it.  America would never do that.  Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice.   America is always nice.

6.)  Brits call soccer “football”.  Are you kidding me?  This is insane!  Soccer is NOT football.  If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them.  Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football.  Crazy!

5.)  In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity.  This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society.   If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice.   Jesus is watching you, people.

4.)  England is an island.  America is a COUNTRY!  Deal with it you British fools!

3.)  British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms.  Americans do.  This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live.   Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead.  Brits can’t do that.  That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.

2.)  The Brits call french fries “chips”.  Seriously?  Are you f$$kin’ kidding me?  A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”.  Jesus!  Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either.   Just stick with salads.  Hard to call those by the wrong name.

1.)  Briton lost the Revolutionary War.  We won it.  Thus, America is superior to Briton.  This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.

5 Things I’ve Tried To Do That Didn’t Pan Out

1.)  I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.

2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.

3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.

4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.

5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.