I’m Sorry I was Naked When….

I’m Sorry I Was Naked When ….

1.)  …. I crawled into your parents bedroom window late one night to introduce myself as your fiance.

2.)  …. I delivered flowers to your 98-year-old grandmother at her nursing home on a sunny Summer day.

3.)  …. I played Santa one Christmas at a downtown dept store.

4.)  …. I applied for a job at the FBI building in New York in the middle of a blizzard a few years ago.

5.)  …. I borrowed your sister’s bike to ride around town with for a few hours and not returning it til the police told me I had to.

6.)  …. I showed up at your son’s Bar Mitzvah and asked if I could borrow some sugar.

7.)  …. I got pulled over for speeding and had to tell the cops I’d left my wallet at home.

8.)  …. I tried to hail a taxi in downtown Chicago at 4AM one winter night in ’97.

9.)  …. I tried to file a sexual harassment complaint against my fellow KFC workers during spring break from my classes at Harvard one year.

10.)  …. I showed up at a children’s birthday party in Chucky Cheese and demanded they give me a slice.

 

 

 

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10 Reasons Why Americans Are Superior To The British

10.)  British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it.  Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.

9.)  British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”.  This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous.  Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage?  Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.

8.)  British people drive on the wrong side of the road.  Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous.  If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.

7.)  The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it.  America would never do that.  Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice.   America is always nice.

6.)  Brits call soccer “football”.  Are you kidding me?  This is insane!  Soccer is NOT football.  If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them.  Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football.  Crazy!

5.)  In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity.  This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society.   If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice.   Jesus is watching you, people.

4.)  England is an island.  America is a COUNTRY!  Deal with it you British fools!

3.)  British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms.  Americans do.  This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live.   Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead.  Brits can’t do that.  That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.

2.)  The Brits call french fries “chips”.  Seriously?  Are you f$$kin’ kidding me?  A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”.  Jesus!  Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either.   Just stick with salads.  Hard to call those by the wrong name.

1.)  Briton lost the Revolutionary War.  We won it.  Thus, America is superior to Briton.  This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.

5 Things I’ve Tried To Do That Didn’t Pan Out

1.)  I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.

2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.

3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.

4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.

5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.

 

Things I Shouldn’t Have Done At the Zoo

1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.

2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.

3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.

4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.

5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.

6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.

7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.

8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.

9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.

10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.

Things I’ve Decided To Never Again Do Naked

Artist’s Rendering Of Me Practicing Ballet, Circa 1995

1.) Ask a woman out on a date for the first time.

2.) Walk into a gas station to ask for directions.

3.) Juggle 5 cats at the same time.

4.) Go into a biker bar and yell out,” You’re all a bunch of sissies!”

5.) Deliver pizza to a 5 year old’s birthday party.

6.) Work as a CNA in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients.

7.) Tell the cop who just pulled me over, “Look, I don’t have my license on me cause I’m not wearing any clothes!”

8.) Ride a horse through the city in a snow storm.

9.) Sunbathe next to a convent filled with horny nuns.

10.) Jump on a trampoline in school yard full of children.

And In Conclusion…

concuse3

1.)  And in conclusion, I promise to never again eat several cans of kidney beans before going on a long distance car trip with you.

2.)  And in conclusion, since Father O’Connell has promised to NEVER again fondle little boys’ genitals, we’ve decided to relocate him to a distant parish where no one knows who he is or what he’s been accused of doing.

3.)  And in conclusion, as should be obvious to anyone who was actually listening to me, I said “Virginia,” not “vagina”.

4.)  And in conclusion, in spite of what you may have read on the internet, AED’s should NOT be used to treat erectile dysfunction.

5.)  And in conclusion, letting wolverines loose at a child’s birthday party is not humorous and will always result in an indictment and multiple law suits.

6.)  And in conclusion, have a great weekend everyone, and thanks for reading.

Things I’m Having A Hard Time Doing

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

1.) I’ve been trying to get a divorce, but since I’m not married, I’m finding it hard to do.

2.) I’m trying to become mayor of a small town in Mexico, any small Mexican town will do, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I’m finding it difficult to do.

3.) I’m trying to build a particle accelerator in my studio apartment, but I’m finding it hard to do because I don’t have enough room.

4.) I’m trying to start a career as a porn star by touting myself as The Stud With The 15″ Penis, but since my penis is only 5 and one half inches, I’m finding it difficult to do.

5.) I’m trying to come up with ten of these but I’m finding it hard to do, so I’ll end here.