10 Alternative Facts

Just Cause They’re Alternative Doesn’t Make ‘Em Any Less True

Of the many wonderful things I’ve learned during the past four years of the Trump Administration, the fact that alternative facts exist and are true if they can’t be proven false is my most cherished.   To honor this wonderful tidbit of information, I’ve compiled a list of ten alternative facts I’ve pulled from my arse that are obviously true because no one will ever be able to prove they’re not.  As you read through them, remember this: just because a fact is alternate to what you perceive as reality does not, in any way, make it any less a fact or any less true.  $Amen$

10.)  Gravity is fake news.  It isn’t real.  The real reason we don’t fly off of the Earth is because Jesus is personally holding each of us onto it with His warm, loving hands.

9.)  Dogs are really cats that bark.

8.)  Democrats were put on Earth by Satan to torment Christians by eating their children in pizza parlor basements throughout the country.

7.)  Barrack Obama is both a devout Muslim AND a rampant, angry atheist who hates people of all faiths.

6.)  Fish don’t exist.  We only think they do because the liberal media keeps telling us they do.  Assholes!

5.)  The Earth is neither flat or round.  It is triangle shaped and is carried around the galaxy on the back of a big hairless dog named Poochie.

4.)  Donald Trump easily won the 2020 Presidential election by 700 billion votes.

3.)  Old MacDonald never owned a farm.  He was a gay hairdresser who lived in Queens in the 1960’s.

2.)  The itsy bitsy spider was actually 28 ft long and feasted on children all throughout England from 1687 until it was finally killed with a stick of dynamite by a Catholic nun named Bertha in the Spring of 1979.

1.)  Humpty Dumpty was, indeed, put back together after his near fatal fall and became a shoe cobbler in Northern Ireland until the day he died in 1789.  The remnants of his shell were then used to fertilize the garden were Jack planted the bean stalk that he climbed to rob a sky giant who never bothered a fucking person until Jack decided to rob him of his gold.

 

Things I Should Not Have Done Or Said

You Did Or Said WHAT???

10.)  I should not have told the cop who pulled me over for speeding that I’d stop sleeping with his wife if he didn’t give me a ticket.

9.)  I should not have had a full plate of re-fried beans for dinner an hour before my girlfriend performed oral sex on me.

8.)  I should not have wandered into a children’s ward in the hospital wearing nothing but a smile and an orange condom.

7.)  I should not have released a bag of a thousand spiders and centipedes on the food buffet table at my 89 year old grandmother’s birthday party.

6.)  I should not have entered a local talent contest as a cat juggler and tried to juggle 6 adult cats at once.  (BAD idea!)

5.)  I should not have tried to save money by using the leaves from an elephant ear plant as a diaper for my 6 month old niece.

4.)  I should not have dressed as a rabbi and tried to circumcise my Jewish neighbor’s son, especially because he was 6 years old and already circumcised.

3.)  I should not have thought using a can of compressed air as toilet paper would do a sufficient job of cleaning my rump after going number two.

2.)  I should not have bit down on my dentist’s finger as hard as I could “just to see what would happen” during a routine dental cleaning.

1.)  I should not have prank-called the members of the the Nobel Prize Committee threatening to “kick their asses for refusing to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize” without using a burner phone.  (Did you realize YOUR number shows up on OTHER people’s phones when you call them?  Go figure!)

 

 

 

I Probably Shouldn’t Have Used A Lightsaber For…

I received a working lightsaber for Christmas last year.  Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have used it for.

My Lightsaber

1.)  Opening a can of tuna.

2.)  Cleaning the wax out of my ears.

3.)  Brushing my hamster.

4.)  Chasing a group of young ruffians off of my lawn.

5.)  A vibrator.

6.)  Knocking on my neighbor’s door.

7.)  Filling out my income taxes.

8.)  Wiping my butt after going #2.

9.)  Eating spaghetti.

10.)  Proposing to my girlfriend.

 

Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

A Few Rambling Pontifications Based Entirely On Empirical Evidence

Photo-Realistic Painting Of The Arm Chair Pontificator

1.)  People who do good only because they believe an invisible guy will send them to eternal hell if they don’t are shit-heads we’d be better off without.

2.)  Just because I do not believe your assertion that there’s an invisible guy or invisible beings running the universe does not mean I’m making an assertion that such things absolutely do not or can not exist.  Perhaps they do.  I simply have seen nothing to convince me of this.  Nothing.

3.)  Who’s in a better position to explain what my thoughts and feelings are on something, me or you?

4.)  Those who argue vehemently that there IS and MUST be a god are, deep down, terrified they’re wrong.

5.)  Why do Christians argue that evolution is wrong with non biologists?  If you wish to assert evolution is wrong, go to the evolutionary biology department at the University of Chicago and explain it to the scientists there.  Then, if you can convince them with your wisdom, knowledge and expertise on the subject that you’re right, let me know.

6.)  Let’s say you’ve succeeded at number 5 from above and convinced the evolutionary biologists at the University of Chicago that evolution is a crock of dinosaur poop.  Great.  That’s grand.  You’ve proven I was an idiot for thinking those folks had a solid basis for their scientific theory.  However, do you know what you’ve not proven to me?  JESUS!  You STILL have to provide demonstrable evidence for your particular take on your particular god in order for me to give credence to your assertions that he is real.  OK?  I’m waiting.

7.)  The world is beautiful. The universe is mind-boggling and immense.  How did it come to be?  Why is it here?  Why are we here?  There’s one honest answer to these questions.  One answer that is “right.”  That answer is, I don’t know.  And do ya know what?  Neither do you.

8.)  I honestly do not care what you believe or do not believe.   However, when you try to legislate your religious beliefs so that I, too, will be governed by them, I’m gonna fight back against you with every breath I take.

9.)  I get more joy and love from my dog than I’ve ever gotten from any invisible being or entity.

10.)  While living life at times is hard for me, I find living it as best I can each day to be far more productive than dwelling on my death and on what comes after it.  My death will create in the universe the same state that was here for the 13.7 billion years before I was born.  I simply won’t exist, and, after a brief period of time, no one will even notice.

11.)  People who can’t laugh at and/or mock themselves occasionally will never be winners of self-awarded Nobel Prizes the way I have.

$Amen$

 

10 True Statements

The following 10 statements are all true.  “They” all say this.  And when have “they” ever been known to be wrong?

1.)  Atheists are people who do not believe in the real God.

2.)  It is harmless to dismiss all news you don’t agree with as fake.

3.)  When Republicans say they want to get rid of food stamps, SSI, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, they’re only talking about taking them away from illegal aliens, black people, Democrats, and Hispanics, not real Americans who depend on these programs to live.

4.)  If you do not accept Jesus as your true Lord and Savior, you’re a Muslim.

5.)  White, Christian men do not commit acts of terrorism in the U.S.  Only dark-skinned Muslims are terrorists.   White men who shoot up churches and schools are simply “mentally ill”.

6.)  If you believe in equality under the law for women and equal pay for equal work for women, you’re gay.

7.)  If you’re a transgender women you’re merely a male who wants to go into women’s restrooms to rape them.  Transgender women raping genetic women in restrooms across America is the greatest crisis facing Republicans today.

8.)  There are no poor people in America–only very lazy people who refuse to work.

9.)  Men who believe in climate change are beta cucks.

10.)  The wealthiest people in America deserve the biggest tax cuts because they work the hardest, are extremely good-looking, and believe very strongly in the Lord Jesus Christ who loves money, and real estate, more than his own mother.

$Amen$

 

 

Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40