U.S./Scottish Border, Texas. Well, it looks like former President Donald Trump and his Republican allies were right about caravans of illegal immigrants charging into America if Biden were to become President. Since President Biden’s inauguration on January 20th more than twenty thousand wild, feral, armed Scotsmen have charged across the U.S./Scotland border in southern Texas into America. “These are horrible, disease-carrying, armed rapists with funny accents who ate my entire herd of cattle raw,” said one Texas cow-herder who prefers to rename nameless. “I also strongly believe these people to be homosexuals because..well..because most of ’em are men and they’re wearin’ dresses,” the man said. When asked to comment on the situation, President Biden had only this to say: “What, do you have something against a good plate of haggis? Don’t you like bagpipe music? Hell, let the Scots come! This is America! Everyone’s welcome here! Even guys who talk funny and wear dresses instead of pants!” Stay tuned to this blog for further developments on this ongoing situation.
Cannibal City, Iowa. Donald Trump’s senior policy advisor, Stephen Miller, announced today he will soon be publishing a cookbook entitled, The Only Good Immigrant Is A Cooked Immigrant. “Many people have falsely assumed I’m not very fond of immigrants,” Miller said earlier. “This is simply not true. I LOVE immigrants, if they’re cooked correctly. See, ever since I was a small boy, skinning cats alive in my parent’s basement, I’ve dreamed of welcoming people from foreign lands into my home and cooking them. In this context, immigrants are only an issue when too many arrive at once and there are not enough kitchens and/or cooks to accommodate them. In order to correct this problem, I’ve decided to publish an immigrant cookbook to encourage more Americans to do as I do: cook and eat immigrants.
Got a problem with too many Polish immigrants moving into your building? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to make REAL Polish sausage by killing, pulverizing, and cooking a few of them to thin out their numbers. Too many Italian immigrants moving into your city? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to turn them into meat lasagna in just 4 easy steps. Like my pappy always used to say to me, ‘Stephen, there ain’t no immigrant you’ll dislike if you cook ’em right.’
My book will be out in early November, just in time for Christmas. You can pre-order one right now on my website, stephenmillerisntcrazy.com, for just $68.94. I’ll toss in a free “Sociopaths Are Fake News” t-shirt with the first 1000 orders, so act fast if you want one. Happy eatin’ America. I’ll see you in the kitchen.”
Immigrants Suck Town, New York. Soon to be President, Donald Trump today announced his plans to wall off Liberty Island and write the words, “Fuck You Immigrants! Go Fuckin’ Home!” on the outside of it. “Fuckin’ immigrants suck big, giant, elephant, fuckin’ penis,” President Elect Trump said earlier. “What the fuck kinda country would America be if immigrants were allowed in? Really! What kind? Whatever liberal, candy-ass mother fucker put the Statue of Liberty on that island needs to be flayed alive and boiled in oil. This country is for Americans! Not faggot terrorists from across the Atlantic! Immigrants weren’t allowed in before, so why now? What would the founding fathers think of the abomination that is the Statue of Liberty and Liberty Island? No decent founding father cared a squirt of piss about liberty, foreigners, or fuckin’ statues, so why should I? I’m President now. So fuck anyone who’s not American coming to America. Americans have been in America since Jesus put us here 6000 years ago. So fuck off foreigners! And eat my American grits! God bless America and all those who voted for me, Donald Trump, to be your President. You all need to feel real proud because things can only get better from here.” Imperious Rex!