Famous Non-Racists From History

As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet.   Who are we to doubt ’em, eh?   What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history.  Here are but a few.

1.)

The great Julius Caesar said this as he first entered Gaul: “I’m not a racist! I’m not killing and enslaving millions of you Gauls because of your race.  I merely want your country, and you are resisting me.  But truly, I’m NOT doing this because of your race.  Again, I’m NOT a racist. I’m more non-racist than any other conquer you’ll ever meet.  Really, I am.  Really.”

 

2.)

Charlemagne was known to say this of the pagans he was converting to Christianity: “Stories about my racism are greatly exaggerated.  Yes, I’m traveling into non-Christian areas and killing pagans who will not convert.  BUT, I’m NOT killing them based on their race.  They only die if they won’t convert, and this is a good thing.  Non-Christians are the bane of existence and viewed by the All Loving Jesus as horrid wretches who deserve painful deaths and an eternity of suffering in Hell.  So, as you can see, I’m very, very non-racist. OK?”

 

3.)

Martin Luther very simply once said of Jews, “I don’t hate Jews because I’m a racist.  I hate them because they’re nasty, evil, conniving little shits who don’t believe in Jesus.  I rest my case.”

 

4.)

And finally, the biggest non-racist in history, next to Donald Trump that is,  Adolph Hitler had this to say on racism: “Never in the history of humanity has there been a more non-racist person than me.  I love ALL people.  Do I love Jews?  Of course not.  Why?  Because they’re not people.  They’re animals.  Thus, in light of this fact,  I’m not racist and have never hurt another human being in any way, ever. Really, I haven’t.  I mean that.  You believe me, right?”

 

 

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The Wives Of Jedi Master Yoda

Everyone knows the lovable Jedi Master, Yoda, but few know of the many wives he’s had in his life.   Here’s a list of them and Yoda’s comments about them.

“Married four times, I’ve been. Exhausted it has made me,” Yoda says.

 

Yoda’s First Wife and Sister To Evil Emperor Palpatine, Margaret Thatcher. “Too self-centered, she was,” Yoda says of her. “Used my toothbrush, she did.  Apologize, she would not. So divorce, I did.”

 

Yoda’s Second Wife, Dianne Feinstein. “Smoked like a chimney, she did. Whole house she stunk up!” Says Yoda. “So papers I served her, and out she went!”

 

Yoda’s Third Wife, Nancy Pelosi. “Dogs she loved,” Yoda says of her, “but allergic I am. The dogs or me, I said, and the dogs she kept.”

 

Yoda’s Current Wife And Dark Lord Of The Sith, Ann Coulter. “Powerful, she is,” Yoda says of her. “Afraid of her, I am. Marry her I should have not, but prisoner I now am. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

 

Odd

As you walk down the street on your way home from work, you can’t help notice, as you do every day, that the people you walk past are very odd.   One man walks with a strange limp and is mumbling something aloud to himself about, “those damned people ruining the country.”   “Odd man,” you think to yourself, “Very odd indeed.”  Next you pass by a grocery store and a woman comes out with a bright purple dress and a large yellow hat tilted so far back on her head you can see her orange-colored hair that is uncombed and greasy.  “Damn,” you again say to yourself, “that’s one odd-looking lady!  Very odd indeed.”

Later, you stop by a McDonald’s to buy a burger for supper and you notice the kid taking your order has pimples and a large, protruding over bite.  “Fuck, you think to yourself, “this kid is funny-looking as hell.  What an odd life he must have to live looking like that.  No girls for him, I’ll bet!”   Then, as you’re leaving the restaurant, you notice a disheveled  homeless person asking people on the street for money.  “I ain’t got any,” you tell him when he asks.  “Shit,” you softly say to yourself when you know he can’t hear you, “that dude is odd, even for a homeless guy.  No one’s gonna give him a dime lookin’ like he does, the bum.”

Finally, as you approach the front door of your apartment building, a little girl walks out and accidentally bumps into you.   “Be careful, you little cretin!  Didn’t your parents teach you to be more careful when you’re walking out of a door?”  The girl merely smiles awkwardly at you showing off the fact two of her front teeth have fallen out.   “Now, THAT, looks really fuckin’ odd,” you say aloud when the girl has walked away.  God damned parents ought to be slapped for letting her walk around looking all goofy like that.   They should tell her to keep her mouth shut til her teeth grow back or other kids are gonna tease her to death for lookin’ like that.”  You quickly walk up the stairs to your apartment and go inside.

As you enter your apartment you remove your worn, leather jacket that has Star Trek insignias sown onto the sleeves.   You place it in your closet in front of your tattered collection of old Playboy magazines. Then you remove the obviously not real hair toupee from the top of your head and place it on top your dresser right next to the dozen or so unopened condoms you keep on hand, “just in case.”  You go to your ‘fridge and take out a beer.  Next, you sit on your couch and remove your shoes.  Your socks have so many holes in them that 8 of your ten toes, with their yellowish, very long nails, protrude from them.   You remove your shirt and loosen your belt.  This allows your round, overblown belly to flop freely out.   You pat it proudly and take a swig of the beer, belching loudly as you do.  You pick up the TV remote, turn on the nightly news, and lean comfortably back into the couch.   On the TV, a story about transgendered people in the military comes on. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” you shout back at it, “those people are way too odd to be allowed in the military.   I served in the military, and if there’s one thing anyone who knows me can tell ya’, there ain’t nuttin’ odd about me!”  You continue watching TV until you finally fall asleep, dreaming of the odd people you’ll see on your way to work in the morning.

 

A Christmas Message From Baby Jesus

What’s up, y’all.  Baby Jesus here.  I just popped by my favorite blog, The Arm Chair Ponificator, to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Hope you all do something fun for the holiday that doesn’t involve anything illegal or unsavory.  Remember, my Pops is watching you, and he can be a real d*ck if you piss him off by doing naughty things.
I’m gonna celebrate my birthday by chillin’ in this lovely warm tub of soapy bubbles that smell like lavender.  Love it!  Later, baby Mary Magdalene will be coming over and I’m gonna impress the sh*t outta her by crawling on top of this water without sinking into it.   It’s great to be God!  Have a great holiday, everyone.  See ya’ next year.

Check This Out

I’m a firm believer in UFO’s.  I totally believe extremely credible people see objects that do amazing things in the sky that are 100% unidentifiable to them.    The key word here is “unidentifiable”.  My science fiction-loving brain immediately jumps to space creatures, inter-dimensional time travelers, and Star Wars when I hear such stories.    I WANT E.T. to visit and be an awesome friend to us.  I really do, and I truly see no way for there NOT to be life, even intelligent life, elsewhere in the universe if not even our own galaxy.   We, as humans, simply are not that special.  If “we” happened here, something else like “us” is certain to have happened elsewhere in the universe.

However, my skeptical brain always reminds me that just because credible people see UFO’s buzzing about, it doesn’t mean said objects are extraterrestrial in origin.  It simply means, credible people saw some really amazing shit that was truly unidentifiable to them when they saw it.  Here’s an example of one such story that I find to be quite fascinating.

 

When I watched the video in this story, it was hard me not to jump about and scream, “ALIENS ARE HERE!!!! ALIENS ARE HERE!!”  But I didn’t.  I believe the pilots who tell this story are being truthful and honest, and I believe I’m truly looking at footage of something zipping about and hovering over the water that is truly unidentified.  But WHAT it is exactly, I’ve no idea.  I hope one day we will find out that we are not alone and that benevolent aliens are out there checking us out.   But this story, though certainly a truly fascinating one, doesn’t convince me of this.   It does, however, convince me that objects of an unidentified origin are sometimes seen by people who are credible, believable, and trustworthy.  Check it out.

I’m Moses, And I Exist, God Damn It!

Here’s an older post I’m re-posting just cause I want to, God Damn It!

The Arm Chair Pontificator

I'm Real, God Damn It! Says Moses I’m Real, God Damn It! Says Moses

Hello. This is Moses. Yes. THAT Moses, God damn it! Which Moses did you think it was? Your Uncle Moses from Jersey? Do you even have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? Does ANY ONE have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? I thought not, God damn it! So shut up a minute and let me talk already, God damn it! It’s come to my attention that several Rabbis, Christians, a-theists, and other such ninnies have been debating whether or not I ever existed. Apparently, some putzes think the stories in the Bible about me were just made up, and I am but a conglomeration of people combined into one guy by the writers of the Old Testament. Well, I’m here to tell you, that I AM Moses. I do exist, and I am the Moses written about in the Bible, God damn it! As…

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Welcome To Alabama: The Pedophile State

Alabama: The Pedophile State

Montgomery, Alabama.     Men, would you like to press your naked, aroused flesh against the body of a 13 or 14 year child but fear the legal repercussions of doing so?   Well, then, relocate your fine self to Alabama where such things are not only allowed, they’re encouraged.    Here in Alabama, we raise our children to do two things:  Love their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, with all their heart, and submit to the sexual advances of any adult male who wants them without question.   Back in Moses’ day, gals as young as 9 or 10 were married off to men in their 60’s all the time.  And why not?  Did God not make the woman to please the man?  Did Jesus Christ not say, “Love your children as you would your sheep?”  I most certainly don’t think Jesus meant for men to make wool out of their children.  That’s just nutty.  So, besides making wool, what else are sheep used for if not to gratify the sexual needs of the shepherd?   Doesn’t it make far more sense for sexually frustrated adult men to satisfy their needs by having sex with children rather than by fornicating with sheep?  Of course it does!   Ain’t no sheep gonna tell ya’ how much it loves you while your making love with it the way a child can.  I can tell ya’ that!  So, if you’re a man who would like the freedom to stalk children for your prurient needs, then come to Alabama.  You’ll love it here.  Hell, you’ll love it SO much you may decide to run for the Senate and represent our state on the Hill one day.