Oh, my love!
How my heart does
Whenever I smell the
Yours is the
Biglyest, kindlyest, huuggeesst
That ever has lived ever
You have my undying
Thank you my
For making me into the
I’ve now become
Body, mind, and soul
Today, tomorrow, and
People, I gotta tell ya’, I just ate the BIGGEST banana ever! I found it in the jungle where I live. It was on the HUUGGEST banana tree EVER! This whole jungle is HUUUGGGEE!!! I mean, it’s the BESTLYEST jungle ever. Period. No jungle anywhere has EVER been THIS bigly. Oh, I’m KING in this jungle, too. The biglyest, greatestist KING there ever was ever! The HUUUGGEESST crowd of jungle residents EVER came to witness my coronation the other day. They love me. All of them. Every single solitary animal in this jungle LOVES me! Get it? You’d better, or I’ll refuse to EVER speak to any of you again. Now, it’s time for you all to leave so I can use my “like a smart monkey” brain to plan the utter, greatestist, biglyest destruction of my enemies that EVER has been seen by anyone, ever, anywhere.
You know what really sucks? When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet. I’m AQUAMAN! I live under water. Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet? If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits! Harrumph!
What up, peeps? John the Baptist’s severed head here. Ya’ know, a lot of folks ask me, “John the Baptist’s severed head, what’s the most inconvenient thing about being a severed head?” Well, there are many inconveniences to my current predicament, my inability to wank off due to the fact I’ve no hands and no penis being one. But, the MOST inconvenient thing about all this is that every time I eat or drink something, it just comes pouring outta my neck a second after I swallow it. This one time, I was on a date with this smokin’ hot Italian babe I met in Rome. We were sittin’ in a restaurant, enjoying a light, flirtatious conversation, when she says to me, “John’s severed head, you simply MUST taste this wonderful wine I’m having.” She then proceeds to pour, like, a whole glassful of the stuff right down my gullet. Needless to say, red wine shot outta my severed neck like water from a fire hose on steroids. It got all over her and all over the table where we were sitting. Yeah, that was the end of that date. She drove me home and promised she’d text me later to set up another date, but I never heard from her again. Can’t really say I blame her. Now days I spend most of my time alone, watching TV and eating as little as is humanly possible. Life’s just simpler this way, and far less messy.
“Repeal Obama Care, Gas And Cremate The Poor, The Disabled, And Injured War Veterans; Then Carry On Giving Welfare To The Richest People In America,” Says Speaker Of The House, Paul Ryan
Fuck The Poor City, New Jersey. Speaker of the House, Republican Paul Ryan, stated today that, as Republicans destroy Obama Care, it’s far cheaper to simply send the poor, the disabled, injured war veterans, and the elderly into gas chambers and kill them than it is to give them health insurance. “Look,” said Paul Ryan earlier, “who the fuck gives a shit about disabled people, poor folk, war vets, and the elderly? I sure as fuck don’t. So why, in the name of welfare for the wealthy, should we give these useless pieces of shit health insurance? Fuck that. The wealthiest of Americans need tax breaks and handouts from the Government in order to ensure their sense of superiority over war vets, elderly folk, the disabled, and the poor. This is America, a land founded by the rich, for the rich, in 1952. Fuck you if you think otherwise. Christ, we Republicans are so good at mind-fucking the average American, we actually get most of them to vote for us every time there’s an election thinking we’re actually gonna help ’em. Ha, ha, ha! Idiots. God bless America, and God bless the richest of Americans. The poorest and the most disabled of Americans are doomed for gas chambers and cremation. That’s how Jesus wants it, and God dammit, that’s how Republicans want it. $Amen$”