In case anyone is concerned with my day-to-day activities, and who, for Christ’s sake isn’t, I’ve recently offered to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller and give him everything I know about Donald Trump and Russia. He told me, “No way, pal,” since I’ve not been charged with anything, and, in reality, have absolutely NOTHING to do with Trump OR Russia. This is kind of a bummer as I’d hoped to make a deal were I could be relocated to Hawaii and be surrounded by beautiful women agents who’d do anything I asked them to until my dying day. Oh, well, what can ya do, eh? Welp, I’m off to write threatening letters to members of the Nobel Prize Committee for STILL not recognizing my self-awarded Nobel Prize. $Amen$
1.) People who do good only because they believe an invisible guy will send them to eternal hell if they don’t are shit-heads we’d be better off without.
2.) Just because I do not believe your assertion that there’s an invisible guy or invisible beings running the universe does not mean I’m making an assertion that such things absolutely do not or can not exist. Perhaps they do. I simply have seen nothing to convince me of this. Nothing.
3.) Who’s in a better position to explain what my thoughts and feelings are on something, me or you?
4.) Those who argue vehemently that there IS and MUST be a god are, deep down, terrified they’re wrong.
5.) Why do Christians argue that evolution is wrong with non biologists? If you wish to assert evolution is wrong, go to the evolutionary biology department at the University of Chicago and explain it to the scientists there. Then, if you can convince them with your wisdom, knowledge and expertise on the subject that you’re right, let me know.
6.) Let’s say you’ve succeeded at number 5 from above and convinced the evolutionary biologists at the University of Chicago that evolution is a crock of dinosaur poop. Great. That’s grand. You’ve proven I was an idiot for thinking those folks had a solid basis for their scientific theory. However, do you know what you’ve not proven to me? JESUS! You STILL have to provide demonstrable evidence for your particular take on your particular god in order for me to give credence to your assertions that he is real. OK? I’m waiting.
7.) The world is beautiful. The universe is mind-boggling and immense. How did it come to be? Why is it here? Why are we here? There’s one honest answer to these questions. One answer that is “right.” That answer is, I don’t know. And do ya know what? Neither do you.
8.) I honestly do not care what you believe or do not believe. However, when you try to legislate your religious beliefs so that I, too, will be governed by them, I’m gonna fight back against you with every breath I take.
9.) I get more joy and love from my dog than I’ve ever gotten from any invisible being or entity.
10.) While living life at times is hard for me, I find living it as best I can each day to be far more productive than dwelling on my death and on what comes after it. My death will create in the universe the same state that was here for the 13.7 billion years before I was born. I simply won’t exist, and, after a brief period of time, no one will even notice.
11.) People who can’t laugh at and/or mock themselves occasionally will never be winners of self-awarded Nobel Prizes the way I have.
Here’s a Thanksgiving day classic from yesteryear. I won a Pulitzer for this.
A devastating blow against Christian Conservatives and Tea Party advocates alike was struck this morning when Giant Turkeys materialized simultaneously in Texas and Florida and completely devoured both states. Nothing remains where the two states once stood but a light covering of Giant Turkey shit. Before returning from whence they came, the leader of the Giant Turkeys, Mr. Gobble Yercock, gave an insightful, informative interview to TACP’s editor ‘n chief, me. The transcript of this interview, without any embellishment by TACP, is presented below.
TACP: Let me begin, Mr. Gobble Yercock, by saying, what a fucking entrance! Yesterday no one knew Giant Turkeys even existed, and today, BAM! You’ve devoured both Texas and Florida and it isn’t even noon yet. Impressive, most impressive.
Gobble Yercock: Well, what can I say. We’re a dramatic entrance bunch, we Giant Turkeys. We specialize in…
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The following 10 statements are all true. “They” all say this. And when have “they” ever been known to be wrong?
1.) Atheists are people who do not believe in the real God.
2.) It is harmless to dismiss all news you don’t agree with as fake.
3.) When Republicans say they want to get rid of food stamps, SSI, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, they’re only talking about taking them away from illegal aliens, black people, Democrats, and Hispanics, not real Americans who depend on these programs to live.
4.) If you do not accept Jesus as your true Lord and Savior, you’re a Muslim.
5.) White, Christian men do not commit acts of terrorism in the U.S. Only dark-skinned Muslims are terrorists. White men who shoot up churches and schools are simply “mentally ill”.
6.) If you believe in equality under the law for women and equal pay for equal work for women, you’re gay.
7.) If you’re a transgender women you’re merely a male who wants to go into women’s restrooms to rape them. Transgender women raping genetic women in restrooms across America is the greatest crisis facing Republicans today.
8.) There are no poor people in America–only very lazy people who refuse to work.
9.) Men who believe in climate change are beta cucks.
10.) The wealthiest people in America deserve the biggest tax cuts because they work the hardest, are extremely good-looking, and believe very strongly in the Lord Jesus Christ who loves money, and real estate, more than his own mother.
Stan Lee, the co-creator of such fantastic Marvel Comics superheroes as Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four, and The Avengers passed away today at age 95. He was involved with Marvel Comics, originally called Timely Comics, for decades as a writer, editor and publisher. His comics brought great joy to me in what was otherwise a very tumultuous childhood. They helped keep me sane by giving me a fantasy world to hide in when the real world became too much to bear.
I’ve collected and loved comic books for most of my 5 decades on Earth, and Stan Lee’s characters and style of writing them is the reason why. There would be no multi-billion dollar Marvel movies today if not for Stan Lee. His reinvention of the super hero genre in 1961, with the release of The Fantastic Four, injected a sense of realism into comics by placing the characters in the “real” world and giving them real world problems. Spider-Man worried about how to pay his rent and how to date girls and be a web-slinging super hero at the same time. The Fantastic Four fought and bickered with each other just like real families do. He made his characters relatable to me and millions of other readers across the world. He made comic books mainstream. And he made them fun.
I’ve met many comic book creators and writers during the years when I attended comic book conventions on a regular basis but never got to meet Stan. Even so, he’s been a part of my life for so long, I feel as if I know him, and today I feel that a dear personal friend has died. Thanks, Stan for bringing so much joy into my life, in many ways you helped save it. Rest well. You will be missed. Excelsior!
The first ever atheist grocery store. Another oldie but not-read-too-muchy post from days gone by.
The Arm Chair Pontificator is very proud to welcome our first ever commercial sponsor, “Foods Without Gods,” the first ever atheist grocery store, where every item sold has been prepared free of any and all deities, 100% guaranteed! Store Vice President, Hank Me’dickoff had this to say earlier today. “We at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ felt it was time we addressed the burning question EVERY a-theist has asked since before Moses parted The Red Sea: ‘Why in fuck’s name do I have no choice but to shop for groceries at stores where theists also shop and contaminate the food by touching it with their dirty, theistic hands?’ Well, my friends in non-belief, thanks to us here at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ no a-theist will ever have to ask that question again.
The concept behind ‘Foods Without Gods’ is to provide, for a-theists, a grocery store…
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A Holiday post from days gone by which very few ever got to read.
King Herod will be hosting the annual Heaven/Hell Christmas party at his home in Topeka, Kansas next month. “To be honest, I’m surprised Jesus asked me to do this after last year’s fiasco,” Herod said. “To make a long story short, after 4 Vodka martini’s each, Mao Tse Tung and I thought it would be hysterical to put John the Baptist’s severed head in Jesus’ bed with a note saying, ‘We made you an offer you couldn’t refuse’ like in the ‘Godfather’, you know. Well, what we didn’t know was that Jesus, who’s got a great sense of humor, and Yahweh, who doesn’t have ANY, had switched rooms for the night.
Needless to say, there was a lot of yelling and screaming that went on when Yahweh crawled into bed that night. Most everyone there blamed…
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