Happy Zombie Day to all of the 650 million readers of this blog. Your patronage is much appreciated. Now, go eat a chocolate egg and watch a George Romero movie. I’m going to.
Acceptance Village, Alabama. A new study conducted by Professor Iblameyou of the University of Chicago was released today which found that all of the problems in the world today are caused by other people. “These results are amazing,” said Professor Iblameyou. “I surveyed over two thousand people from every part of the globe over the past three years and found, every time, that people blame other people for everything wrong with the world and with themselves. Clearly, these results indicate that the problem of other people is plague-like and simply must be eradicated before life on earth comes to a screeching halt. I would have released these results sooner, but the assistant I had working with me on the project was rather slow in putting the data I gave her together so I had to delay publishing this report. Last time I’ll work with her, I tell you that.
My study also found that when groups of other people act together, they’re even more damaging than when they act alone. Sometimes other people will form into groups, or countries even, that are very different from you and yours. When this happens, chaos ensues. These “other” groups start to act as if they’re as good as you and your group. Name-calling almost always follows. Fighting follows this, and soon, full-scale wars have erupted. We must act now to end the problem of others, a.k.a. those people over there. I’ve started an online group called End All Others Now. Our purpose is to make all others become just like us for the sake of the planet and all humanity. You can join the group at othersblow.com for the nominal fee of 50 dollars. Hope to see you all join – unless, of course, you’re one of them. If that’s the case, don’t bother because you’re not part of the solution, you’re the problem.”
A new dating service for atheists called Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie has recently come online. Here are a few of the questions they ask their subscribers to help them connect people with their ideal mate.
1.) How do you like to eat your infants: A.) Boiled B.) Fried C.) Raw ‘n squirmin’ or D.) Diced and baked on an extra cheese pizza?
2.) When fighting in the war on Christmas each year, what is your preferred weapon: A.) A .357 Magnum B.) A flamethrower C.) A small nuclear device or D.) All of the above?
3.) You come upon the house of a Christian and find it has a well in the backyard. Do you A.) Poison it with cyanide B.) Throw the Christian and his family into it and seal it closed C.) Pour Ebola into it and laugh as the family suffers and dies from it or D.) Fill it with poisonous snakes and giggle when one is brought up in a bucket by the Christian and bites him in the face?
4.) A group of evangelical Christians move in next door to you. Do you A.) Begin having all night orgies in your backyard to offend them B.) Leave your shades open at night so they can watch you dance naked in the blood of the babies you’ve slaughtered C.) Make 3ft penis topiaries out of your front hedges and spend entire weekends outside gently stoking them or D.) All of the above?
5.) What’s your idea of a great 1st date A.) Reenacting the biblical destruction of Jericho by killing everyone in the town next to you in the name of God B.) Finding out where pedophile Catholic priests reside and removing their genitals from their bodies C.) Dressing as demons and terrorizing creationists on their way to Sunday services or D.) Any of the above?
Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.
1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies. Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind. Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka. Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him. Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.
2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie. Go to Moscow. Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you. Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl. Place some premixed pie dough into bowl. Mix. Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States). Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees. Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this. Let cookies cool. Enjoy.
3.) Lying Bastard Soup. Eat a bowl of soup in a public place. Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life. If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news. Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.
4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew. Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper. “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew. Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew. Stir in with spoon. Eat.
5.) Fascist Fried Steak. Order a steak well done at a restaurant. When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly. Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter. Get another waiter to take your order. Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else. Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.
6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza. Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people. When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza. Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up. Take out a slice and eat it. (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience. It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit. Let the audience order their own if they want some.)
7.) Impotent President Pudding. Make a pot of rice pudding. Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill. Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably. Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter. Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.
8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie. Place an apple pie in the oven. Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin. Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever. Remove pie from oven. Let cool. Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag. You’ve now made America great again.
9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger. While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel. Let gel “harden”. Place raw hamburger meat into mold. Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Remove meat and place on bun. Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.
10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf. Make a meatloaf. Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm). Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth. Bark like a puppy every time you catch one. Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.