Don’t entirely understand why anyone would want to celebrate the labor part of birthing a child, but, this is America and we’re kinda f**ked up here. So, here’s wishing all the moms in America a happy Labor Day! I’m so glad it’s you all who get to have babies and continue our race cause if it were up to men to do it, we’d have died out thousands of years ago. Enjoy the day, the memories, and pop a pain pill on me if it hurts at all. See ya next year!
I’ve not been able to write many posts of late because I’ve been in a Swiss prison cell held captive by the Nobel Prize Committee. Apparently, the members of the Committee grew weary of me harassing them, their elderly parents, and their children. I did these things because the Nobel Prize Committee STILL refuses to give me my well-earned, self-awarded Nobel Prize for being an overall, big-brained genius. I deserve this award, and I want it, along with all the joyous accolades that go along with it, $$$$$. I’ve been prank calling members of the Committee daily now for almost 6 years, and all I ever get is an angry “Eff you!” from every last one of them. So, in order to get noticed, I sent boxes of fire ants to their children’s schools and crates of venomous snakes to their elderly parents’ retirement homes. Was this nice? No. Was it necessary? Yes. What was not necessary was the Committee members filing restraining orders against me and having me arrested and imprisoned for violating them. UNFAIR!!! I call bunk on them. All they have to do is give me my gar-darned Nobel Prize and all will be over! I will never cease bothering them until this happens. Granted, being imprisoned does make this more difficult, but I will find a way! I swear to Zeus, I will. Until then, I sincerely hope all of my readers will keep me in their thoughts and write letters to the Nobel Prize Committee demanding they give me my award and release me from prison, though not necessarily in that order. I’m the most wrongly persecuted and maligned person to have ever lived, except of course, for Donald Trump. Oh, I gotta go now. They’re bringing me the rice pudding I demanded this morning with my lunch. I’ll see everyone very soon. You can take that to your bank and deposit it! $Amen$
This had me laughing so hard I peed a little. Spot on satire. NOW That’s What I Call Racist
QAnon Village, Ohio. Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three. “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes. We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him. We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes. Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager. He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too. We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way. So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal. You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city. See you soon. And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”
“Q” is really “R”. Deal with that, Q Anon-ers! Hahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!! (BTW, if anyone from the Deep State or the Illuminati is reading this, please give me a jingle. I VERY much want to join your organization and help you wreak havoc on the world. I’ve been trying to drop off my resume with you, but, damn, you all are extremely difficult to find.)
Here are ten golden rules to live by. These are serious rules. They’re not funny or satirical in any way. They are NOT an example of Poe’s Law. They MIGHT be sponsored and practiced by the Illuminati, the Deep State, and QAnon. If you don’t believe all I’ve written here, you’re wrong and need to slam your head into a wall until you WAKE UP AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH REALITY!!!!! OK, here are the rules.
1.) Whatever you think to be true, is.
2.) If anyone questions your beliefs, they’re wrong.
3.) If you agree with someone famous, that person is right and can not be wrong.
4.) Proof of an invisible supernatural world rests in the fact that science doesn’t have EVERY answer to EVERY question and never did.
5.) Your world view is the RIGHT world view. Thus, those not holding said view are fair game to be called names and mocked.
6.) The deeper your belief in something, the more truthful it is.
7.) People who behave differently than what you deem to be normal are weird.
8.) If someone doesn’t meet your standard of what is beautiful, they’re not.
9.) Your opinion is equal to, or more important than, any other opinion –no matter what the opinion is, who states it or what it’s about.
10.) Politics based on identity are annoying, disgusting, and a HUGE sign of hyper-sensitivity and weakness–unless they’re about you and who YOU are as a person.
Gaslight City, Iowa. President Trump today farted in an elevator full of people in Trump Tower in New York and quickly blamed it on Obama even though Obama was not in the elevator. “Yes, I know the fart smell in this elevator is awful,” Trump reportedly said to the people on the elevator, “but I’m NOT the one who blew the fart. No, it was Obama who did it. Yes, I know he isn’t here right now, but at some point in the past he was most likely on this very elevator, you can’t prove he wasn’t, and farted so powerfully that the stench from it is STILL in here. I’ve been cleaning up the stench of Obama’s failures for a year and a half now, and I must now get someone to clean his fart stink from this elevator before it causes the stock market to crash or something worse.”
When it was pointed out to President Trump that people on the elevator actually heard the fart sound come from his buttocks, he declared, “No fart sound! No collusion! No fart smell! No collusion! This is clearly a witch hunt to try to blame ME for a fart sound I did not make! This must stop in order for our country to function again. I’ve no further comment except to say, no fart sound! No collusion! None whatsoever! This interview is OVER!”