Special Proctologist, Dr. Phil Meholeup
Buttville, Mississippi. The Justice Department announced today that a special proctologist, Dr. Phil Meholeup, has been appointed to closely exam America’s anus after the pounding it has been taking from Trump and the GOP over the past several months. “I’ve already found multiple tears and fractures along the civil liberties and democratic parts of America’s anus,” Dr. Meholeup said this morning. “The anal cavity of America has never in its existence been as powerfully and consistently violated as it has been by Donald Trump and the GOP in recent months. The lack of ANY form of lubricant being used has also added to the damage Trump and the GOP are doing to America, its anus, and its democracy.
I’ve also found much evidence of Russian penetration into the anus of America. The GOP Loves Russia banners and video tapes of Trump kissing Putin’s ass are scattered throughout America’s anal cavity like polyps on the colon of a 75-year-old cancer patient. The tears along the lining of America’s rectal walls being caused by this horrid violation may become too severe to heal if we don’t find a way to stop it soon. So, for all those who love America, liberty and democracy, please write to your representatives in Congress and demand they immediately find a way to stop Trump, the GOP, and their Russian masters from continuing their rampage up the anus of our country. If they don’t, America will soon have no anus left to be violated.”
Traitor Don’s, Moscow, Russia
Gary, Indiana. President Trump announced today that he’s opened a new department store in Moscow, Russia. “It’s the bigly-est department store ever,” President Trump said earlier. “It’s called Traitor Don’s, and it represents what can happen when an entire political party puts its own interests above those of its country. The amount of money I, and my sycophants in the GOP, will make from this store is almost limitless. We Republicans will use the store to sell America’s most sensitive secrets to every Russian citizen who wishes to purchase them. We’ve already made over 75 thousand t-shirts with America’s nuclear codes printed on them which, at this very moment, are selling like bowls of hot borscht for the nominal fee of 15 rubles. They come in red, white, or blue in honor of all those who sacrificed to make America the great land it is today.
The store also features a large entertainment section where Russians can purchase Blu-Ray DVD’s of Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and me, Donald J. Trump, singing such songs such as, I Am A Traitor To My Country, and Vladimir Putin, We Love You Tender. All the proceeds from the store go to help the wealthiest Republican families in America become richer, fatter, and more vile than any middle or working class American ever thought possible.
If you are an American planning a trip to Russia, please make sure to stop by Traitor Don’s and watch as your country is sold, bit by bit, to an adversarial foreign power. And remember, it’s all perfectly fine because it’s the Republican Party doing it. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”
Samuel L Jackson says, “Repeal and replace WHAT, mother fuckers?!”
Trenton, New Jersey. Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass. “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue. We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage. What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them? What need has a slave for health insurance? If one gets sick or dies, so what. You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.
There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay. With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want. And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want. The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery. Nothing good has come of it. The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough. It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.
Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”
“Man, that was a LONG 3 days,” says Jesus.
Happy Zombie Day to all of the 650 million readers of this blog. Your patronage is much appreciated. Now, go eat a chocolate egg and watch a George Romero movie. I’m going to.
Those People Over There Are The Problem!
Acceptance Village, Alabama. A new study conducted by Professor Iblameyou of the University of Chicago was released today which found that all of the problems in the world today are caused by other people. “These results are amazing,” said Professor Iblameyou. “I surveyed over two thousand people from every part of the globe over the past three years and found, every time, that people blame other people for everything wrong with the world and with themselves. Clearly, these results indicate that the problem of other people is plague-like and simply must be eradicated before life on earth comes to a screeching halt. I would have released these results sooner, but the assistant I had working with me on the project was rather slow in putting the data I gave her together so I had to delay publishing this report. Last time I’ll work with her, I tell you that.
My study also found that when groups of other people act together, they’re even more damaging than when they act alone. Sometimes other people will form into groups, or countries even, that are very different from you and yours. When this happens, chaos ensues. These “other” groups start to act as if they’re as good as you and your group. Name-calling almost always follows. Fighting follows this, and soon, full-scale wars have erupted. We must act now to end the problem of others, a.k.a. those people over there. I’ve started an online group called End All Others Now. Our purpose is to make all others become just like us for the sake of the planet and all humanity. You can join the group at othersblow.com for the nominal fee of 50 dollars. Hope to see you all join – unless, of course, you’re one of them. If that’s the case, don’t bother because you’re not part of the solution, you’re the problem.”