Cannibal City, Iowa. Donald Trump’s senior policy advisor, Stephen Miller, announced today he will soon be publishing a cookbook entitled, The Only Good Immigrant Is A Cooked Immigrant. “Many people have falsely assumed I’m not very fond of immigrants,” Miller said earlier. “This is simply not true. I LOVE immigrants, if they’re cooked correctly. See, ever since I was a small boy, skinning cats alive in my parent’s basement, I’ve dreamed of welcoming people from foreign lands into my home and cooking them. In this context, immigrants are only an issue when too many arrive at once and there are not enough kitchens and/or cooks to accommodate them. In order to correct this problem, I’ve decided to publish an immigrant cookbook to encourage more Americans to do as I do: cook and eat immigrants.
Got a problem with too many Polish immigrants moving into your building? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to make REAL Polish sausage by killing, pulverizing, and cooking a few of them to thin out their numbers. Too many Italian immigrants moving into your city? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to turn them into meat lasagna in just 4 easy steps. Like my pappy always used to say to me, ‘Stephen, there ain’t no immigrant you’ll dislike if you cook ’em right.’
My book will be out in early November, just in time for Christmas. You can pre-order one right now on my website, stephenmillerisntcrazy.com, for just $68.94. I’ll toss in a free “Sociopaths Are Fake News” t-shirt with the first 1000 orders, so act fast if you want one. Happy eatin’ America. I’ll see you in the kitchen.”
1.) I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.
2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.
3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.
4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.
5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.
‘Lil Hands, Iowa. In stunning news today, even for the Trump White House, President Trump announced he has fired his daughter Ivanka from the job of being his daughter, supposedly over “creative differences,” and replaced her with former New York City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani. “I’m both honored and flattered that President Trump has decided to hire me as his new daughter,” Giuliani said earlier. “I’ve always dreamed of a day when I might be a blushing wife married to a handsome man like Jared Kushner. I promise to be as faithful and honest to him as I will be to my new pops, Donald Trump. Ivanka was a beautiful woman, but, apparently, she was not a very loyal daughter, a mistake I vow never to make. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick out a dress to wear tonight. I’m having dinner with Donald and Melania and I want to look my best!” *As a side note, Jared Kushner has thus far refused to comment on this stupendously unusual occurrence.
Cleveland, Ohio. President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July. “Fuck England,” Trump said. “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it! I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly. The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica. Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT! God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”