U.S./Scottish Border, Texas. Well, it looks like former President Donald Trump and his Republican allies were right about caravans of illegal immigrants charging into America if Biden were to become President. Since President Biden’s inauguration on January 20th more than twenty thousand wild, feral, armed Scotsmen have charged across the U.S./Scotland border in southern Texas into America. “These are horrible, disease-carrying, armed rapists with funny accents who ate my entire herd of cattle raw,” said one Texas cow-herder who prefers to rename nameless. “I also strongly believe these people to be homosexuals because..well..because most of ’em are men and they’re wearin’ dresses,” the man said. When asked to comment on the situation, President Biden had only this to say: “What, do you have something against a good plate of haggis? Don’t you like bagpipe music? Hell, let the Scots come! This is America! Everyone’s welcome here! Even guys who talk funny and wear dresses instead of pants!” Stay tuned to this blog for further developments on this ongoing situation.
As anyone who reads this blog knows, several years ago I awarded myself a Nobel Prize because I felt I deserved it. Ever since that time, I’ve been hounded and mocked by the Nobel Prize Committee simply because I demand they acknowledge my prize. I prank call them; send dead skunks to their children’s schools, and send fire ant-filled pinatas to the nursing homes were their elderly parents live. Yet, still, they refuse to acknowledge that I even exist. Sure, they’ve had restraining orders taken out against me, but, so what? I’m still out here, and I ain’t going away ’til I get my prize from them. Recently, however, the media has become involved in the harassment I endure daily from the Nobel Prize Committee.
The media, I once thought, would be my friend against the Nobel Committee. I sent letters to every major, and minor news outlet in the country to notify them of the great injustice I live with every day of my life. Not one of them has responded or acknowledged I even exist. This is ridiculous and cruel. How many self-awarded Nobel Prize winners are there for Christ’s sake? None but me that I can think of. Is this not a major story for the media? It should be. But, because the Nobel Prize Committee has tainted my image with the media, I’m ignored by them. This is abusive, unfair, and cruel. The media are out to ruin my good name simply by ignoring the great things I’ve done and the great prizes I’ve awarded myself. I’ll stand for it no more. From this day forward, I’m declaring war on the media. They are fake. And, since they refuse to tout my greatness, everything they say and report about is fake.
I’ve got a letter in to Rudy Giuliani demanding that he stop talking smack to the media about Robert Mueller and start talking smack to them about how unfair they’re being to me. So far, he’s not responded to me. He’d better , or I’ll send a porcupine to his New York office to stick quills in his butt. My war on the media now joins my war on the Nobel Prize Committee, and it will continue unabated until I receive all the praise I’ve decided I deserve from both of them. It’s gonna get ugly around here, folks. So buckle up and enjoy the show. It’s gonna be one you’ll never forget. $Imperious Rex$