Websville, Mississippi. “We searched for several months and tested several hundred actors to play Spiderman in our upcoming films,” said Marvel Studios President, Kevin Feige earlier today. “We finally decided that none of them were able to hold a match up to the acting talents of Sir Peter O’Toole, even though he’s dead. We at Marvel Studios pride ourselves in casting only the finest actors to play our iconic heroes in our films. Why should something like death stand in the way of Sir Peter playing high school student Peter Parker, aka Spiderman? Talent is talent. Dead or alive. We’re hoping to make the best Spiderman movies possible, and with Peter O’Toole’s corpse signed for 6 of our films, we feel we’ve taken one helluva step in making that hope a reality. Exiting times are ahead for good ole Web-head, Marvel fans, just you wait and see.”
Here’s a list of some stupid shit I’ve done that, at first, seemed really fucking awesome to do.
A.) I paid millions of dollars to a metal manufacturing company to have my skeleton injected with unbreakable adamantium so I could be a bad ass like Wolverine from the X-Men. It was only months after the very painful procedure that I learned adamantium only exists in comic books and that only normal aluminum had been injected into my skeleton. Talk about EMBARRASSING! And costly!
B.) I irradiated a huge wolf spider and had it bite me in the hopes I’d gain its abilities and become Spiderman. Instead, I developed a severe allergic reaction to the bite and spent a week in the hospital recovering. The spider is fine, BTW.
C.) I filled a cardboard box with fire ants and wrapped it in lovely Christmas wrapping. Then I sent it to a male Nobel Prize Committee member’s elderly grandmother with a note reading: “Have a smokin’ hot Holiday, old lady, from the dude STILL waiting for your Grandson to award him his long over due Nobel Prize!” Unexpectedly, however, the Grandma almost died from the severity of the fire ant bites, and the authorities were SOMEHOW able to figure out it was me who sent them to her. How, I’ll never know, but let me just say, if you’re ever looking for serious legal issues, just pull a stunt like this and get caught.
D.) I decided to engage a Christian Apologist online about the fact that apologizing for being stupid doesn’t make one any less stupid. After several weeks of running on a hamster wheel with this Apologist, and getting nowhere close to relieving him of his stupidity, I suffered an emotional collapse and spent a week recovering in the trauma ward of a major Chicago hospital. To this day, I have no feeling in my left ass check as a result of this online encounter.
E.) I began running experiments in my apartment using a particle accelerator I purchased at CVS for $12.99. Well, one day I forgot to turn it off before leaving for work; my dog knocked it over, and when I came home, I found my entire apartment building had been sucked into a 12″ by 12″ black hole it had created. I know this is what happened because my dog was not pulled into the black hole with my building. She was transformed into a god and waited for me to get home to tell me what happened before leaving to live with the other god dogs in that big god dog park in the sky. Of course, my legal issues around this catastrophe would make the fire ant incident pale in comparison should anyone ever figure out I was the one responsible for it. Never buy, run, and then forget to switch off a CVS brand particle accelerator before leaving for work, especially if you have pets.
This is the first in a series of highly intelligent posts where I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, ask various Marvel and DC comic book superheroes one simple question: What Would Hulk Do? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, how fucking original. Mr. self-declared Nobel Prize winner thinks he’s clever by doing a silly ass take on the old, what would Jesus do bit. What a dork!” To those readers who are thinking this, all I can say is, you’re absolutely right!! So sit back and enjoy the completely useless shit my brain comes up with when I stay up too late watching naked stuff on the internet.
I asked the following question to 3 famous superheroes: The climate grows warmer each year because of human activity, and yet conservative groups, such as the Tea Party, refuse to accept this and do nothing to help the situation. What would Hulk do? Below are the names of each hero I asked and their individual responses.
- Spiderman: Oh, that’s easy, he’d go into a Tea Party meeting, yell, “Hulk Smash!” and knock the building down around their ears. Then, later, he’d completely forget why he smashed the building down, and the remaining Tea Party members would carry on as if nothing had happened.
Robin, The Boy Wonder: Why are you asking me this? Why? Do I look smart or cool to you? I’m 15 years old, and I’m wearing a red and yellow bathing suit with white tights. I follow around a 45-year-old psychopath who’s taken it upon himself to beat the snot out of “bad guys.” How fucking stable does any of that sound to you? What Would Hulk Do? How the fuck would I know! I don’t know him. If you do, then ask HIM, you fuckin’ shit heal.
Superman: What Would Hulk Do? Screw Hulk! How about, What would Superman do?! Well, I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna become a Conservative Christian’s worse nightmare and declare himself God. That’s what he’s gonna do. And I will fry any bastard who refuses to accept this with my heat vision. Global warming be damned! It will be an after thought once the world has me as its one and only God. Screw the Hulk. The damn pansy!
Fini, for now.
As any comic book, movie, or fan of hallucinogenic compounds can tell you, the debate over which comic book super hero actually exists, Spiderman or Superman, and which does not, has been raging for decades. Well, tonight, ACP productions, in association with Disney Entertainment, is proud to present William Lane Craig and Stan Lee in a debate over this very issue. I, TACP, will be your host and moderator throughout the debate. And so, without further ado, I present to you Stan Lee, who has always claimed Spiderman is a real guy, and he, Lee, just the reporter who told his story, and William Lane Craig, the Christian Apologist who has always argued that Superman is not only real, but is Christ himself, sans beard, in a blue suit, with a big S on the chest, and a bright red cape on his back. Gentlemen, if you’ll please be seated, I’ll explain the rules and we can begin.
Lee: Excelsior! Let’s rumble!
Craig: Has anyone seen my notebook? It has Alexander Vilenkin on the cover. Anyone? Well, if it turns up, please bring it to me. Looking at Vilenkin’s picture calms my nerves. We can begin whenever you want, Mr. Moderator, you baby eating a-theist demon, you.
ACP: Why thank you, Mr. Craig. I resemble that. Now the rules. I’ll ask each of you a question. You answer, and your opponent gets a brief rebuttal if he wants, then I move to the next man and we repeat. Got that? OK.
Craig: Wait! I’m not messing around people. I have very powerful friends! I want my god damn notebook, now!
Lee: Oh, just sit down and act like a grown up, will you, Bill? It’ll turn up. Imperious Rex!
ACP: Great. OK, Mr. Lee, you get the first question. What tangible evidence can you produce, if any, to support your claim that Spiderman is a real guy?
Lee: That’s easy. Here in this bag are two pair of authentic, Spiderman tights, which he tossed out because, as you can see, the crotch areas are entirely worn out. And, I also have this signed picture of Spidey and me at the 1988 Broadway premier of Les Miserables. He even authenticated it for me by personalizing it when he signed it. “Me and Stan at a play premier. I hate plays. Because I’m Spiderman, and I’m real, and there’s crime to fight out there. I need to be out there, not in here writing on this fucking picture of me and Stan.” Now if that ain’t proof, Bill, what is?
ACP: Mr. Craig, do you have a rebuttal?
Craig: You’ll be rebuttin’ my foot up your ass if my notebook doesn’t turn up soon, Boy! I at least need a damn 8 by 10 glossy of Alexander to hold when I talk. Have that cronie of yours over there print one off the internet for me. Please.
ACP: That cronie you’re pointing at happens to be my Mother, but I’ll ask her to get your picture. Now, do you have a rebuttal to Mr. Lee’s statement?
Craig: Tights with the crotches worn out? A picture with the whole “Moby Dick” novel written on it as a signature? In what alternate Vilenkin universe do you think that would stand as evidence for anything, let alone as proof that Spiderman is real? Crap, Stan. It’s crap. Remember, Extraordinary claims, require extraordinary evidence. What’s so hard to understand about that?
ACP: OK, Mr. Craig, time for your question. What proof do you have that Superman is real?
Craig: First off, you a-theist bastard, I have God’s word from a little book called, The Bible. Your evil ass should read it. “And the Son shall become the Father, as the Father becomes the Son, and the Father forgives the Son, as the Son goes to Earth and becomes a founding member of The Justice League of America along with Batman and Wonder Women.” How do like that Stan, eh? How do like that?!
Lee: I’m using my rebuttal time to just here and peacefully fucking die! That’s how stupidly boring that answer was. You’re an idiot, Bill, and I’m scared to be in same room with you.
ACP: Here’s your picture, Mr. Craig.
Craig: God bless you, you Godless son of a whore.
ACP: You’re welcome. Now, Stan, your final question: Where is Spiderman now, and why does he choose to remain invisible to us?
Lee: Well, it’s a mystery, and it’s so big our tiny non-super hero minds could never comprehend it. Thus, we have to rely only on our “Faith” that Spiderman is real to ensure ourselves that he really is real. Take that home to your skank bitch wife and feed it to her, Bill! I just kicked your ass, and your balls, out of the ball park! Excelsior!
Craig: I don’t care Stan. I have my picture of Vilenkin to look at. Do what you want with me. All that is me is now your’s to abuse.
ACP: OK, gentlemen. That’s enough! Time to go home. You guys have lost all signs that you just might be sane. I’ve called you both cabs and….HOLY FUCK!!!! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s FUCKING SUPERMAN! YOU’RE REAL!!!
Superman: Yes, you a-theist dog! I am. I’m going to fly these two ninnies home, then go fuck Lois’ brains out through her hot, girlish ass. Bye, Satan Spawn.
ACP: Bye Superman. Thanks for coming by to call me abusive names! I love you!