Some Of My Brilliant Ideas That Really Weren’t

Here’s a list of some stupid shit I’ve done that, at first, seemed really fucking awesome to do.

A.) I paid millions of dollars to a metal manufacturing company to have my skeleton injected with unbreakable adamantium so I could be a bad ass like Wolverine from the X-Men. It was only months after the very painful procedure that I learned adamantium only exists in comic books and that only normal aluminum had been injected into my skeleton. Talk about EMBARRASSING! And costly!

My Aluminum Covered Skeleton

My Aluminum Covered Skeleton

B.) I irradiated a huge wolf spider and had it bite me in the hopes I’d gain its abilities and become Spiderman. Instead, I developed a severe allergic reaction to the bite and spent a week in the hospital recovering. The spider is fine, BTW.

Severe Reactions To Radioactive Spider Bites Are Apparently Common

Severe Reactions To Radioactive Spider Bites Are Apparently Common

C.) I filled a cardboard box with fire ants and wrapped it in lovely Christmas wrapping. Then I sent it to a male Nobel Prize Committee member’s elderly grandmother with a note reading: “Have a smokin’ hot Holiday, old lady, from the dude STILL waiting for your Grandson to award him his long over due Nobel Prize!” Unexpectedly, however, the Grandma almost died from the severity of the fire ant bites, and the authorities were SOMEHOW able to figure out it was me who sent them to her. How, I’ll never know, but let me just say, if you’re ever looking for serious legal issues, just pull a stunt like this and get caught.

Legal Trouble Awaits Those Sending Fire Ants To The Elderly

Legal Trouble Awaits Those Sending Fire Ants To The Elderly

D.) I decided to engage a Christian Apologist online about the fact that apologizing for being stupid doesn’t make one any less stupid. After several weeks of running on a hamster wheel with this Apologist, and getting nowhere close to relieving him of his stupidity, I suffered an emotional collapse and spent a week recovering in the trauma ward of a major Chicago hospital. To this day, I have no feeling in my left ass check as a result of this online encounter.

 Angry Christian Apologist

Angry Christian Apologist

E.) I began running experiments in my apartment using a particle accelerator I purchased at CVS for $12.99.  Well, one day I forgot to turn it off before leaving for work; my dog knocked it over, and when I came home, I found my entire apartment building had been sucked into a 12″ by 12″ black hole it had created. I know this is what happened because my dog was not pulled into the black hole with my building. She was transformed into a god and waited for me to get home to tell me what happened before leaving to live with the other god dogs in that big god dog park in the sky. Of course, my legal issues around this catastrophe would make the fire ant incident pale in comparison should anyone ever figure out I was the one responsible for it.  Never buy, run, and then forget to switch off a CVS brand particle accelerator before leaving for work, especially if you have pets.

Only $12.99 At CVS

Particle Accelerators: $12.99 At CVS

Nobel Prize Committee Sends Drone To Kill Me After Prank Call

Nobel Committee Has Sent This Drone After Me

The Nobel Committee Sent This Drone To Kill Me

Well, looks like my atheist plan to have a peaceful evening roasting Creationist infants and impaling Baptists on 8 foot pikes to hear ’em scream while I eat isn’t gonna happen. Someone at the Nobel Prize Committee offices approved a drone strike against me after I prank called one of the committee member’s mothers. How was I suppose to know I was calling her in an intensive care nursing home and that any unnecessary stress could be fatal to her? Who the hell do I look like, God? Besides, what I said to her was all a bullshit lie, anyway. I didn’t REALLY feed her son to alligators at the Lincoln Park Zoo out of my frustration over not yet receiving a NOBEL FRIGGIN’ PRIZE. I mean what the fuck, man?! If some old lady can’t deal with the fact I’m under A LOT of stress cause of this issue, then fuck her. Haven’t I got rights too? Well, haven’t I? And what about the stress SHE put me under by answering the damn phone in the first place? I didn’t think she would, so I hadn’t prepared anything to say to her. So when she answered, I just blubbered out what I always say in situations like that, “Listen bitch! I just fed your asshole son to some big, fat alligators cause I don’t have my Nobel Prize yet. So if you don’t want me to do the same to you, you’d better figure out a way to talk him into getting me that prize.”

If she believed me, and that caused her to have the heart attack that killed her, then that’s her fucking problem. I mean COME ON! The Lincoln Park Zoo doesn’t even have friggin’ alligators. Who wouldn’t know that? Anyway, back to my situation. A chair woman for the Nobel Committee, Priscilla Puffinipple, called and informed me a drone was dispatched to blow me, and the 6 square blocks around me, into atoms. “We just want to make sure we get ya,” she said. Bitch.  But I, being the prepared fella I am, have a plan for just such an attack. I’m going to disguise myself as a 12-year-old girl and have the City take me to live in an orphanage because I’ve no family. Smart, ain’t I? Once I get into a decent orphanage, I’ll figure out my next move. I’m really sick of this arrogant Committee not giving me my well-deserved prize. We’re not done yet, Nobel Prize Committee, not by a long shot.

Nobel Committee Members Issue Restraining Order Against Me

Those bastards on the Nobel Committee have had a restraining order issued against me again. Me! THE most brilliant mind ever to issue a one-sided, profanity filled, and emotionally clouded statement this side of Emperor Palpatine.

Nobel Prize Committee Gets Restraining Order Against Me

Nobel Prize Committee’s Restraining Order Against Me

I know, with absolute certainty, because I thought hard about it, that the Nobel Committee is pissed at me for having asked The Illuminati for a job recently. What kind of paranoid, prejudiced shit is that, huh?! My wanting to be a secret agent of evil is none of their concern and being discriminated against like this is only going to make me work harder to get a Nobel Prize from them. If they think 7000 emails, 400 ding-dong-ditch pranks, and 300 harassing phone calls at 3AM over a one week period was annoying, just wait til my lawyer gets this fucking restraining order lifted!  BASTARDS

Awesome Shit I’ve Done That No One’s Noticed

greatnessHere’s a list of some of the awesome, great shit I’ve done that no one’s noticed. In particular, the Nobel Prize Committee hasn’t noticed these things, at least not publicly, because they are prejudiced against me for my demanding a Nobel Prize from them. They are bastards for this, and I will continue to point out how nasty they are until they either give me my award or kill me. I won’t shut up otherwise. Well, that’s not true. If they gave me like, 7 million Euros, I’d shut up, but until then, I won’t. Here’s the list. I do hope you enjoy being awed by the great shit I’ve done.

1.) I visited Ancient Rome and no one cared. I was told it wasn’t there anymore. Really? I took a picture of it from the airplane I was on that PROVES it’s there!!! Can you spell, C O V E R  U P?

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

2.) I named myself Holy Roman Emperor but got my ass kicked when I charged the Vatican with a rubber sword demanding the Pope recognize me as such. Why? Am I not pretty enough? CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

3.) I met the aliens who built the Pyramids and got piss drunk with them one night in Valparaiso, Indiana. I even took pictures, and yet no one believes me. Assholes. They can deny all they want, but I KNOW the truth!!!!!

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

4.) I discovered the Higgs boson, like 30 years ago, but did anyone believe me? NO! They waited to give credit to other people just to piss me off! Bastards! Fucking bastards!!!!!

I Discovered The Higgs Boson

Higgs Boson Discovered By Me

5.) I’ve become a Sheikh named Pontificatius, the Unshaven, yet Muslims threaten to kill me whenever I demand they blindly follow whatever I say. Bastards!!!

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

That’s it for now folks. I’ll report later on more of the injustices I’ve suffered, and still suffer, at the hands of the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee for being the great person I am. They are SOOOOO jealous of me. Imperious Rex!