Some Of My Brilliant Ideas That Really Weren’t

Here’s a list of some stupid shit I’ve done that, at first, seemed really fucking awesome to do.

A.) I paid millions of dollars to a metal manufacturing company to have my skeleton injected with unbreakable adamantium so I could be a bad ass like Wolverine from the X-Men. It was only months after the very painful procedure that I learned adamantium only exists in comic books and that only normal aluminum had been injected into my skeleton. Talk about EMBARRASSING! And costly!

My Aluminum Covered Skeleton

My Aluminum Covered Skeleton

B.) I irradiated a huge wolf spider and had it bite me in the hopes I’d gain its abilities and become Spiderman. Instead, I developed a severe allergic reaction to the bite and spent a week in the hospital recovering. The spider is fine, BTW.

Severe Reactions To Radioactive Spider Bites Are Apparently Common

Severe Reactions To Radioactive Spider Bites Are Apparently Common

C.) I filled a cardboard box with fire ants and wrapped it in lovely Christmas wrapping. Then I sent it to a male Nobel Prize Committee member’s elderly grandmother with a note reading: “Have a smokin’ hot Holiday, old lady, from the dude STILL waiting for your Grandson to award him his long over due Nobel Prize!” Unexpectedly, however, the Grandma almost died from the severity of the fire ant bites, and the authorities were SOMEHOW able to figure out it was me who sent them to her. How, I’ll never know, but let me just say, if you’re ever looking for serious legal issues, just pull a stunt like this and get caught.

Legal Trouble Awaits Those Sending Fire Ants To The Elderly

Legal Trouble Awaits Those Sending Fire Ants To The Elderly

D.) I decided to engage a Christian Apologist online about the fact that apologizing for being stupid doesn’t make one any less stupid. After several weeks of running on a hamster wheel with this Apologist, and getting nowhere close to relieving him of his stupidity, I suffered an emotional collapse and spent a week recovering in the trauma ward of a major Chicago hospital. To this day, I have no feeling in my left ass check as a result of this online encounter.

 Angry Christian Apologist

Angry Christian Apologist

E.) I began running experiments in my apartment using a particle accelerator I purchased at CVS for $12.99.  Well, one day I forgot to turn it off before leaving for work; my dog knocked it over, and when I came home, I found my entire apartment building had been sucked into a 12″ by 12″ black hole it had created. I know this is what happened because my dog was not pulled into the black hole with my building. She was transformed into a god and waited for me to get home to tell me what happened before leaving to live with the other god dogs in that big god dog park in the sky. Of course, my legal issues around this catastrophe would make the fire ant incident pale in comparison should anyone ever figure out I was the one responsible for it.  Never buy, run, and then forget to switch off a CVS brand particle accelerator before leaving for work, especially if you have pets.

Only $12.99 At CVS

Particle Accelerators: $12.99 At CVS

Wolverine To Play Jean Valjean In Yet Another Film Version Of Les Miserables

This Is How It's Done, Jackman!

This Is How It’s Done, Jackman!

Claiming his alter ego, Hugh Jackman, sucked in last year’s film adaptation of “Les Miserable,” Wolverine has been cast as Jean Valjean in yet another film version of the popular musical set to premier late next year.  “Jackman’s a pussy,” said Wolverine earlier.  “The dude works out and looks tough, but then he plays Jean Valjean like an emasculated little boy. I HAD to make this film, if for no other reason than to show him how HE should’ve done it.  There’s no friggin’ way that Javert is going to be pushing me around and forcing me into hiding.  I’m the best there is at what I do, Bub. And what I do best isn’t running away. It’s standing my ground and going toe-to-toe with my enemy.

Javert, I'm Ready When You Are

Javert, I’m Ready When You Are

People will get a confrontation scene in this movie that’s an actual CONFRONTATION, and, though I don’t want to give away too much, I will say there isn’t a suicide scene for Javert in this version because, well, he doesn’t need one.   Oh, that reminds me, for those of you who feel “Les Mis” is too sad and/or has too much singing, you’re going to love this new version.  Fantine, for example, is only ABOUT to be forced to sell her hair and teeth and to become a prostitute when a certain adamantium-clawed X-Man happens to arrive to save the day.  Fantine then sings a chipper, happier version of “I Dreamed A Dream” with these new lyrics: “I had a dream of Wolverine, of buff strong men and steely sinews. I had a dream my man would be, this superhero I am kissing!  I am so happy to exclaim!!! I am in love with Wolverine!!!”

This Time, Fantine, There'll Be No Tears

This Time, Fantine, There’ll Be No Tears

  If that doesn’t bring down the house, NOTHING will.  As well, all the songs sung by Marius and Cosette, especially the cheesy ones they sing to each other, have been cut. They will be replaced with extended flash back scenes of me fighting Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.  Less singing, more fighting, bigger box office, that’s what I’m bettin’ on.  I do have one show stopping song I sing though, and that’s a reworked version of “Bring Him Home.” I sing it right after I annihilate the entire French army while in the midst of a blinding berserker rage which threatens to consume me completely. The song helps calm me down, and it goes like this: “Professor X!!! Bring me peace! Bring me Joy (woman’s name). I am hot. Very hot. Girls like me. Like it or not! But Calm me down. Or I’m shot! Bring me girls, bring me babes, and calm me down! Calm me down. Let me rest.”  And of course I do calm down, marry Fantine, and we rule France together because I’ve killed the entire French ruling class by the time the movie ends. And that, Mr. Jackman, is how THAT is done!”