This is the first in a series of highly intelligent posts where I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, ask various Marvel and DC comic book superheroes one simple question: What Would Hulk Do? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, how fucking original. Mr. self-declared Nobel Prize winner thinks he’s clever by doing a silly ass take on the old, what would Jesus do bit. What a dork!” To those readers who are thinking this, all I can say is, you’re absolutely right!! So sit back and enjoy the completely useless shit my brain comes up with when I stay up too late watching naked stuff on the internet.
I asked the following question to 3 famous superheroes: The climate grows warmer each year because of human activity, and yet conservative groups, such as the Tea Party, refuse to accept this and do nothing to help the situation. What would Hulk do? Below are the names of each hero I asked and their individual responses.
- Spiderman: Oh, that’s easy, he’d go into a Tea Party meeting, yell, “Hulk Smash!” and knock the building down around their ears. Then, later, he’d completely forget why he smashed the building down, and the remaining Tea Party members would carry on as if nothing had happened.
Robin, The Boy Wonder: Why are you asking me this? Why? Do I look smart or cool to you? I’m 15 years old, and I’m wearing a red and yellow bathing suit with white tights. I follow around a 45-year-old psychopath who’s taken it upon himself to beat the snot out of “bad guys.” How fucking stable does any of that sound to you? What Would Hulk Do? How the fuck would I know! I don’t know him. If you do, then ask HIM, you fuckin’ shit heal.
Superman: What Would Hulk Do? Screw Hulk! How about, What would Superman do?! Well, I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna become a Conservative Christian’s worse nightmare and declare himself God. That’s what he’s gonna do. And I will fry any bastard who refuses to accept this with my heat vision. Global warming be damned! It will be an after thought once the world has me as its one and only God. Screw the Hulk. The damn pansy!
Fini, for now.
What happened to Sarah – that is when the Tea Party building went down…have to know now!
Think she might have been saved. The Hulk was dating her for awhile, or so I hear. Doubt he’d crush her, even though she deserves it.
Outstanding. And as a collector of the original Spiderman comics, I’d have to say that I think his answer was the most accurate and likely scenario…
I’ve read and collected comics for decades. The McFarlane Spiderman comics are great, though Steve Ditko and Stan Lee did him best. I actually enjoyed the reboot movie they did too and the sequels to it look great. The Sinister Six will be featured in, I think, the third one. They go WAY back to the begining of the comic. And though I liked Toby Maguire as Spidey, I feel Andrew Garfield nails the part. Gotta love those British actors!
Totally agree with you re the films. It was a shame part III was SO bad.
And I’ve got to agree with you re the comics too. Given my age and the costs involved, I could obviously only affors to get the odd issue from Amazing. But managed to collect all of the newer Spiderman issues…
God we’re such geeks.
Though everyone wants to be a superhero now don’t they… So perhaps we’re more like visionaries?
Looking forward to the new films. Especially if the Six are to feature. Thanks for the intel.
Oh, ya. 3 sucked. Rami didn’t want Venom in it as he was unfamiliar with the character but the studio insisted AFTER they had started shooting it. So they had to go back and write Venom in to it. Originally Ben Kingsley was to play the Vulture and he and Sandman were the bad guys. It would have been fine with me if James Franco as Goblin jr was the only baddie. So ya, I’m a friggin’ geek, even more so for Star Wars as I’m foaming at the bit waiting for news on who is going to be in Episode 7. Thank the holy one I’m such a satirical smart ass and grouchy curmudgeon. I get a lot of good material just from myself alone.