Gasland, Oklahoma. Fabrication specialist, Lori L. Abia stopped by TACP offices today with some awesome quotes from some famous people that they never said. We present them for your reading pleasure below.
1.) Yoda: Well done this burger is! Order it this way, I did not. Another make me, or leave I will, and pay, I will not.
2.) Einstein: So then I says to ‘er, “Listen baby, time is NOT relative when you’re going on a date. If I say I’m pickin’ you up at 7, I mean be ready at 7, not 7:45.” Bitch had my ass sittin’ in the car waitin’ on ‘er for 45 minutes; then she pulls this “time is relative shit” with me. This homeboy don’t play like that! Last time she’ll ever be seenin’ my wrinkled old white ass! And there ain’t nuttin’ relative ’bout that!
3.) John Wayne: Stay away from acting as a living, kid. All that horseback ridin’ I did in my movies gave me hemorrhoids the size of golf balls.
4.) Lassie: Woof! Woof! Grrrr! Pant, pant, pant. Woof! Meow!
5.) Batman: Robin! Did you rub Ben Gay into the codpiece of my costume again? This is NOT funny! Grow up, or find another 40-year-old man who wants to run around with a 13-year-old boy dressed in tights fighting crime all night.
Batman, aka, The Dark Knight, was denied membership to the Avengers this evening ending a week-long trial with the group. “We hated to say no,” said Captain America, “but the guy just isn’t playing with a full deck. First off, he has ZERO super powers. Hell, even Hawkeye has a super sense when it comes to placing arrows in people’s eye sockets, but Batman, nothing. So that alone makes him a liability should we be fighting, say, Thanos and his intergalactic hordes. Secondly, the dude has MAJOR anger management problems. The Hulk, The Hulk, mind you, accidentally bumps into him in the chow-line the other day, and the dude friggin’ goes off on him like an a-bomb. Bats was cursing, punching, and kicking with such ferocity that had it been just an average guy and not The Hulk he was hitting, he would have really hurt him. The Hulk, however, just said something to the effect of, ‘Puny leotard man bother Hulk,’ then flicked his finger and Batman wound up 50 yards away and unconscious for an hour. Not good thinking there, Bats. So, for his own good, and the stability of our team, Batman will not be joining the Avengers. Robin will be here for a trial next week. Doubt he’ll impress us with any super powers, but odds are he’ll be sane at least.”
As any comic book, movie, or fan of hallucinogenic compounds can tell you, the debate over which comic book super hero actually exists, Spiderman or Superman, and which does not, has been raging for decades. Well, tonight, ACP productions, in association with Disney Entertainment, is proud to present William Lane Craig and Stan Lee in a debate over this very issue. I, TACP, will be your host and moderator throughout the debate. And so, without further ado, I present to you Stan Lee, who has always claimed Spiderman is a real guy, and he, Lee, just the reporter who told his story, and William Lane Craig, the Christian Apologist who has always argued that Superman is not only real, but is Christ himself, sans beard, in a blue suit, with a big S on the chest, and a bright red cape on his back. Gentlemen, if you’ll please be seated, I’ll explain the rules and we can begin.
Lee: Excelsior! Let’s rumble!
Craig: Has anyone seen my notebook? It has Alexander Vilenkin on the cover. Anyone? Well, if it turns up, please bring it to me. Looking at Vilenkin’s picture calms my nerves. We can begin whenever you want, Mr. Moderator, you baby eating a-theist demon, you.
ACP: Why thank you, Mr. Craig. I resemble that. Now the rules. I’ll ask each of you a question. You answer, and your opponent gets a brief rebuttal if he wants, then I move to the next man and we repeat. Got that? OK.
Craig: Wait! I’m not messing around people. I have very powerful friends! I want my god damn notebook, now!
Lee: Oh, just sit down and act like a grown up, will you, Bill? It’ll turn up. Imperious Rex!
ACP: Great. OK, Mr. Lee, you get the first question. What tangible evidence can you produce, if any, to support your claim that Spiderman is a real guy?
Lee: That’s easy. Here in this bag are two pair of authentic, Spiderman tights, which he tossed out because, as you can see, the crotch areas are entirely worn out. And, I also have this signed picture of Spidey and me at the 1988 Broadway premier of Les Miserables. He even authenticated it for me by personalizing it when he signed it. “Me and Stan at a play premier. I hate plays. Because I’m Spiderman, and I’m real, and there’s crime to fight out there. I need to be out there, not in here writing on this fucking picture of me and Stan.” Now if that ain’t proof, Bill, what is?
ACP: Mr. Craig, do you have a rebuttal?
Craig: You’ll be rebuttin’ my foot up your ass if my notebook doesn’t turn up soon, Boy! I at least need a damn 8 by 10 glossy of Alexander to hold when I talk. Have that cronie of yours over there print one off the internet for me. Please.
ACP: That cronie you’re pointing at happens to be my Mother, but I’ll ask her to get your picture. Now, do you have a rebuttal to Mr. Lee’s statement?
Craig: Tights with the crotches worn out? A picture with the whole “Moby Dick” novel written on it as a signature? In what alternate Vilenkin universe do you think that would stand as evidence for anything, let alone as proof that Spiderman is real? Crap, Stan. It’s crap. Remember, Extraordinary claims, require extraordinary evidence. What’s so hard to understand about that?
ACP: OK, Mr. Craig, time for your question. What proof do you have that Superman is real?
Craig: First off, you a-theist bastard, I have God’s word from a little book called, The Bible. Your evil ass should read it. “And the Son shall become the Father, as the Father becomes the Son, and the Father forgives the Son, as the Son goes to Earth and becomes a founding member of The Justice League of America along with Batman and Wonder Women.” How do like that Stan, eh? How do like that?!
Lee: I’m using my rebuttal time to just here and peacefully fucking die! That’s how stupidly boring that answer was. You’re an idiot, Bill, and I’m scared to be in same room with you.
ACP: Here’s your picture, Mr. Craig.
Craig: God bless you, you Godless son of a whore.
ACP: You’re welcome. Now, Stan, your final question: Where is Spiderman now, and why does he choose to remain invisible to us?
Lee: Well, it’s a mystery, and it’s so big our tiny non-super hero minds could never comprehend it. Thus, we have to rely only on our “Faith” that Spiderman is real to ensure ourselves that he really is real. Take that home to your skank bitch wife and feed it to her, Bill! I just kicked your ass, and your balls, out of the ball park! Excelsior!
Craig: I don’t care Stan. I have my picture of Vilenkin to look at. Do what you want with me. All that is me is now your’s to abuse.
ACP: OK, gentlemen. That’s enough! Time to go home. You guys have lost all signs that you just might be sane. I’ve called you both cabs and….HOLY FUCK!!!! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s FUCKING SUPERMAN! YOU’RE REAL!!!
Superman: Yes, you a-theist dog! I am. I’m going to fly these two ninnies home, then go fuck Lois’ brains out through her hot, girlish ass. Bye, Satan Spawn.
ACP: Bye Superman. Thanks for coming by to call me abusive names! I love you!
In news sure to send fans into a raging frenzy of disbelief, Disney Studios announced today that Ben Affleck has been signed to play Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, AND Princess Leia in “Star Wars: Episodes 7, 8, and 9.” “We were tired of fans calling us EVERY fucking day asking if the original cast members would be in these new films,” Disney spokesman, James Smalldick said. “So we decided it was time we made the statement that ‘Star Wars’ is now OURS, and we can do whatever the fuck we want with it. And the fact is, no matter WHAT we do with these movies, fan boys will still see them 47 times each, thus ensuring their financial success. You just wait and see.”
Ben Affleck had this to say when asked why he choose to take on this unprecedented and ill-advised job: “I took this gig because I’m still pissed off at all the internet geeks who said horrible shit about me when I was cast to play Batman in the upcoming “Batman vs Superman” movie. So wadda you fan boys think now, eh? I bet you’d suck my cock whenever I asked you to if I’d drop this ridiculous nonsense and JUST play Batman. But fuck you, fellas. I’m playing all 3 of these parts. Though Leia is going to be the most fun to play. I’ll dress in full drag, and speak with a high-pitched lisp when I play her. Oh, before I forget, I’m insisting there be a sex scene with Leia and Han in one of these films. I’ve always wanted to seduce and fuck myself. Now I can do it on-screen. I’m bettin’ the fan boys will curse me in languages they never thought they knew when they see that. I’m not right for Batman, eh boys? Well fuck you then.”