As any comic book, movie, or fan of hallucinogenic compounds can tell you, the debate over which comic book super hero actually exists, Spiderman or Superman, and which does not, has been raging for decades. Well, tonight, ACP productions, in association with Disney Entertainment, is proud to present William Lane Craig and Stan Lee in a debate over this very issue. I, TACP, will be your host and moderator throughout the debate. And so, without further ado, I present to you Stan Lee, who has always claimed Spiderman is a real guy, and he, Lee, just the reporter who told his story, and William Lane Craig, the Christian Apologist who has always argued that Superman is not only real, but is Christ himself, sans beard, in a blue suit, with a big S on the chest, and a bright red cape on his back. Gentlemen, if you’ll please be seated, I’ll explain the rules and we can begin.
Lee: Excelsior! Let’s rumble!
Craig: Has anyone seen my notebook? It has Alexander Vilenkin on the cover. Anyone? Well, if it turns up, please bring it to me. Looking at Vilenkin’s picture calms my nerves. We can begin whenever you want, Mr. Moderator, you baby eating a-theist demon, you.
ACP: Why thank you, Mr. Craig. I resemble that. Now the rules. I’ll ask each of you a question. You answer, and your opponent gets a brief rebuttal if he wants, then I move to the next man and we repeat. Got that? OK.
Craig: Wait! I’m not messing around people. I have very powerful friends! I want my god damn notebook, now!
Lee: Oh, just sit down and act like a grown up, will you, Bill? It’ll turn up. Imperious Rex!
ACP: Great. OK, Mr. Lee, you get the first question. What tangible evidence can you produce, if any, to support your claim that Spiderman is a real guy?
Lee: That’s easy. Here in this bag are two pair of authentic, Spiderman tights, which he tossed out because, as you can see, the crotch areas are entirely worn out. And, I also have this signed picture of Spidey and me at the 1988 Broadway premier of Les Miserables. He even authenticated it for me by personalizing it when he signed it. “Me and Stan at a play premier. I hate plays. Because I’m Spiderman, and I’m real, and there’s crime to fight out there. I need to be out there, not in here writing on this fucking picture of me and Stan.” Now if that ain’t proof, Bill, what is?
ACP: Mr. Craig, do you have a rebuttal?
Craig: You’ll be rebuttin’ my foot up your ass if my notebook doesn’t turn up soon, Boy! I at least need a damn 8 by 10 glossy of Alexander to hold when I talk. Have that cronie of yours over there print one off the internet for me. Please.
ACP: That cronie you’re pointing at happens to be my Mother, but I’ll ask her to get your picture. Now, do you have a rebuttal to Mr. Lee’s statement?
Craig: Tights with the crotches worn out? A picture with the whole “Moby Dick” novel written on it as a signature? In what alternate Vilenkin universe do you think that would stand as evidence for anything, let alone as proof that Spiderman is real? Crap, Stan. It’s crap. Remember, Extraordinary claims, require extraordinary evidence. What’s so hard to understand about that?
ACP: OK, Mr. Craig, time for your question. What proof do you have that Superman is real?
Craig: First off, you a-theist bastard, I have God’s word from a little book called, The Bible. Your evil ass should read it. “And the Son shall become the Father, as the Father becomes the Son, and the Father forgives the Son, as the Son goes to Earth and becomes a founding member of The Justice League of America along with Batman and Wonder Women.” How do like that Stan, eh? How do like that?!
Lee: I’m using my rebuttal time to just here and peacefully fucking die! That’s how stupidly boring that answer was. You’re an idiot, Bill, and I’m scared to be in same room with you.
ACP: Here’s your picture, Mr. Craig.
Craig: God bless you, you Godless son of a whore.
ACP: You’re welcome. Now, Stan, your final question: Where is Spiderman now, and why does he choose to remain invisible to us?
Lee: Well, it’s a mystery, and it’s so big our tiny non-super hero minds could never comprehend it. Thus, we have to rely only on our “Faith” that Spiderman is real to ensure ourselves that he really is real. Take that home to your skank bitch wife and feed it to her, Bill! I just kicked your ass, and your balls, out of the ball park! Excelsior!
Craig: I don’t care Stan. I have my picture of Vilenkin to look at. Do what you want with me. All that is me is now your’s to abuse.
ACP: OK, gentlemen. That’s enough! Time to go home. You guys have lost all signs that you just might be sane. I’ve called you both cabs and….HOLY FUCK!!!! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s FUCKING SUPERMAN! YOU’RE REAL!!!
Superman: Yes, you a-theist dog! I am. I’m going to fly these two ninnies home, then go fuck Lois’ brains out through her hot, girlish ass. Bye, Satan Spawn.
ACP: Bye Superman. Thanks for coming by to call me abusive names! I love you!