Gamma Ray City, New York. Marvel Studios announced today they will be remaking The Incredible Hulk with Donald Trump in the starring role. “Yes,” Marvel Studios spokesperson, Sally Wannawail, said earlier. “We’ve just signed President Trump to star in our new Netflix show, The Incredible Baby. The show is a remake of the classic Incredible Hulk TV show from the 70’s. This time, however, instead of a dose of gamma rays turning Bill Bixby into a raging green beast, the show will involve Mr. Trump being turned into a whining, green, little baby every time something doesn’t go his way. Our first episode shows Mr. Trump as a 21-year-old receiving a draft notice for the Vietnam War and not wanting to go. He brings the notice to his father who tells him, ‘You know, Donald, your country needs you, and it isn’t very patriotic to not honor your country’s call.’ Upon hearing this, Mr. Trump transforms, for the first time into…The Incredible Baby! He cries, pouts, screams, poops his pants until, finally, his very wealthy father finds a doctor who’ll, for a price, write a letter stating Donald has bone spurs and thus can not go to Vietnam. This calms Mr. Trump down, and he reverts to his adult self, until……Watch Netflix this coming September to find out!”
Websville, Mississippi. “We searched for several months and tested several hundred actors to play Spiderman in our upcoming films,” said Marvel Studios President, Kevin Feige earlier today. “We finally decided that none of them were able to hold a match up to the acting talents of Sir Peter O’Toole, even though he’s dead. We at Marvel Studios pride ourselves in casting only the finest actors to play our iconic heroes in our films. Why should something like death stand in the way of Sir Peter playing high school student Peter Parker, aka Spiderman? Talent is talent. Dead or alive. We’re hoping to make the best Spiderman movies possible, and with Peter O’Toole’s corpse signed for 6 of our films, we feel we’ve taken one helluva step in making that hope a reality. Exiting times are ahead for good ole Web-head, Marvel fans, just you wait and see.”
Marvel Studios and Heaven announced today that St. Paul, the dude who spread Christianity like butter during the first century, has been cast as a comedic nemesis to Thor in Avengers: Age of Ultron. “It’s gonna be great,” said St. Paul today. “It’s a HILARIOUS part I have. I play myself and pop up at unexpected moments in the film to taunt Thor about the fact there’s only one god, and it’s Jesus, not him. There’s a scene where Thor is doing his business in the bathroom and I enter the stall next to him. I burst into this annoying song they wrote for me while I toss bibles over the top of the stall at him. He gets really pissed and calls his hammer which smashes down half the bathroom to get to him. Then I run away shouting that this is just the beginning of what I’m going to do to him. Funny, people, really funny stuff. Oh, the song I sing is to the tune of If I Were A Rich Man and goes something like this: If I were a true man, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle wink. All day long I’d say I’m not a god, and that I am a dirty, lying fink.”
Avengers: Age of Ultron opens on Friday, May 1st and is sure to be another hit for Marvel Studios, especially now that St. Paul is in it.