Hi peeps. Aquaman here. I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea. I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?” Well, let me tell you. I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat. I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year. Here’s how it works. I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard. Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell. Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat. She absolutely loves ’em! Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans. Have a great V-Day, y’all.
You know what really sucks? When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet. I’m AQUAMAN! I live under water. Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet? If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits! Harrumph!