Ask The Batman

Hi Batman. My name is Ronald Rodslimp Wrinkleberry. I’m 24 years old, and I’ve a question for you. For some reason, girls don’t seem to take a hankerin’ to me. I try very hard to get them to notice me, but they act as if I’m not even there. I’m thinking of becoming a crime-fighting vigilante, like you, in order to make myself more attractive and noticeable to girls. Can you please give me some tips on how to do this, as I really have no idea where to begin. Thanks.


Thanks for your question, Ronald. Unfortunately, because of multiple lawsuits I’m currently involved in, I can’t answer your question.  But, I can say this.  Give up on trying so hard to get girls to be interested in you.  I’m a dark, disturbed, bad-ass of a billionaire who gets babes to fall all over him like drops of rain on a Spring morning.  You’re nothing like me, and no amount of crime-fighting advice is gonna change that.  So, just be yourself; enjoy your comics and your video games, and stop pestering girls.  They really don’t like it.  OK?    Sincerely, The Batman

Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman


aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.

A Complaint From Aquaman


You know what really sucks?  When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet.  I’m AQUAMAN!  I live under water.  Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet?  If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits!  Harrumph!

A Quick Word From The Flash

Hi everyone.  Flash here.  I just thought I'd run by and tell everyone about the benefits of having super speed powers.  Well,

Hi everyone.  Flash here.  I just thought I’d zip by and tell everyone about how awesome it is being able to run at the speed of light.  In the time it took you to read the first word written here, I’ve peed, pooped, eaten a pizza, had sex with my girlfriend, and my other girlfriend, walked my dog, farted, belched, and looked through all your wallets to get an idea of who you, my loving fans, really are.  Yep.  Being fast as a mo’fo’ on crack is awesome.   To wrap up, I’ll leave you with this last thought.  I’m not really called the Flash because I’m fast.  I’m called the Flash because, when I scamper around at light speed fighting crime, I’m almost always completely naked.  I just LOVE being naked in public, and, because I am so friggin’ fast, none of the super villains I fight, and none of you, can see just how friggin’ naked I am.   A more enjoyable, liberating life I can not imagine having.  ‘Bye all.  Gotta strip, run, and go fight some crime.

A Word From Aqualad

Hi folks, Aqualad, here.

Hi folks, Aqualad here.  I’m Aquaman’s 18-year-old sidekick, and I help him protect the salty brine from thoughtless surface dwellers who pollute it with garbage and pee.  To help me do this better, Aquaman has given me a spiffy new costume that consists of a red shirt and a groin-hugging pair of blue shorts that show off my hairless, boyish legs extremely well.   As an added bonus, my super costume has a lovely “A” for a belt buckle.  This signifies I’m Aquaman’s top rated partner and an ace at keeping people from peeing in otherwise clean waters.   I gotta…I was gonna say run, but since I’m 50 fathoms deep, I can’t technically run, so, I’ll say swim.  See you later folks, and remember, keep your trash, and your pee, outta the water.

A Word From Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen

Hey, Superman!  Check out my new Kryptonite bow tie!  What's that?  Why am I wearing a Kryptonite tie?  Because I've been meaning to tell you for some time that Lois and I have been shagging like rabbits for years, and I want to make sure you can't pull off my head when I do.

Hey, Superman! Check out my new Kryptonite bow tie. What’s that? Why am I wearing a Kryptonite bow tie? Because I’ve been meaning to tell you for some time now that Lois Lane and I have been shagging like rabbits for years, and I wanted to make sure you couldn’t pull off my head when I did.

A Quick Word From Wonder Woman

Ya know, Superman, it's bad enough you left the damn toilet seat up again, but you dribbled pee all over the floor again, too.  I'm NOT cleaning it up this time!  I swear to Zeus, I'm not!!!

Ya know, Superman, it’s bad enough you left the damn toilet seat up again, but you dribbled pee all over the floor again, too.  I’m NOT cleaning it up this time!  I swear to Zeus, I’m not!!!