Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens, On Why Atheists Suck

TACP'S Republican Presidential Candidate, Dick Biggens

Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens Says, Atheists Suck!

Jesus Hates Fags City, Mississippi.  Hello everyone. My name is Dick Biggens.  I’m a Fundamentalist Christian and a firm believer that, not only will atheists one day burn in Hell beneath the sandal-ed feet of Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, they also suck.  I have five specific points on why atheists suck, but before I list them, I will first define for you exactly what an atheist is.  An atheist is any person who has not accepted Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Lord and Savior.  The only thing worse than an atheist in the eyes of Jesus are faggots.  Faggots are so despicable in Jesus’ eyes that, even if they accept Him as their Lord and Savior, He will still hate them for being faggots and burn them in the fires of Hell for eternity after they die.  And now, here is my list of ten reasons why atheists suck.

1.) Atheists suck because they are all faggots.  As I stated above, Jesus, Our All Loving Savior, hates nothing more than faggots.  Thus, since Jesus hates faggots AND atheists, all atheists are faggots.  See?  Simple.

2.) Atheists suck because they do not bow down and kiss the asses of Fundamentalist Christians the way Jesus demands they do.  We like our asses kissed and hate those who refuse to kiss them.  Nothing faggy about this, we just love the feel of warm lips on our Fundamentalist Christian asses, male and female.

3.) Atheists suck because they refuse to read the Bible correctly.  The correct way to read the Bible is our way.  Not reading the Bible our way is a sign that atheists are lazy, uneducated ninnies whose hearts are black and full of sticky, gooey, bile.  Also, since atheists refuse to read the Bible our way, it proves they are not open to reason, and horrible at doing research into why our way of reading the Bible is the ONLY way to read the Bible.  idjits.  The whole sucky lot of ’em.

4.) Atheists suck because they lack any sense of morality.  It is well-known within Fundamentalist Christian circles that all atheists are cannibals.  In particular, they enjoy eating little babies that they’ve ripped from the wombs of good, Fundamentalist Christian women.  Only people without morals would do this, and, as I stated earlier, atheists have no morals.  A person with no morals is also a cannibal.  Atheists have no morals.  Therefor, all atheists are cannibals.  Solid reasoning, is it not?

5.) Lastly, for today, I’ll leave you with this immaculate bit of Fundamentalist Christian reasoning.  People who do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Savior, suck.  Atheists do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their Savior.  Therefor, all atheists suck.

Yours in Our All Loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Dick Biggens.

Halloween Costumes Available At Our Online Store

The Arm Chair Pontificator online store is now offering some truly unique costumes just in time for Halloween. Check ’em out.

1.) The Tea Party Member: This little beauty consists of a three-piece suit, a loaded .45, a thumpin’ Bible, a Jesus Hates Obama, Fags, Jews, and Liberals picket sign, and a tax-exempt number you can use to buy whatever you want, tax-free, for a whole week, all for only $9.99. Act now and we’ll toss in two undocumented Hispanic domestic laborers for you to use, totally free, for as long as you wish. Note: you’ll have to feed them occasionally if you expect consistent, quality work from them.

The Tea Party Member

The Tea Party Member

2.) The Ken Ham: This baby will make you look, think, and sound just like Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham. Put it on, and the world suddenly becomes only 6000 years old; Evolution becomes a big, fat silly lie, and reasonable thinking becomes a completely antiquated mental process. All this can be yours for the biblically low price of just $7.98, plus tax. Order now, and receive an authentic picture of Jesus riding a T-Rex signed by none other than the son of God himself at no additional cost.

The Ken Ham

The Ken Ham

3.) The Wormhole: Put on the Wormhole costume; walk into a Halloween party; switch it on, and watch as your friends are sucked into a massive vortex that sends them…..??? Who the hell knows where it’ll send them! It’s a wormhole! You’ll be talked about at Halloween parties for decades to come when you wear The Wormhole costume at the big Halloween party you plan on attending this year. Inter-dimensional fun is yours for the modest price of just $8.66.

The Wormhole

The Wormhole

4.) The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian: Be the talk of all your bible-thumping, gay-hating pals when you slip into this one of a kind costume which allows you to be a gay tolerant Conservative Christian for as long as you wear it. We must warn you, however, that if you wear it for more than 48 hours straight, you very well may find yourself vocally supporting gay marriage rights, so beware. Show hate-filled Christians how to not hate people they don’t understand by purchasing The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian costume for the blessed price of just $10.99.

The Non-Homophobic Conservative Christian

The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian

That’s all folks. See you later!