Congress will be debating today what Christians have coined the “Baby-Eater Bill.” It’s a bill which will give a-theists some of the same rights as Christians, if passed, and it’s made some of those Christians very angry. One such Christian is Tom Crabkrotch, an Alabama 7/11 manager and loving follower of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
“Mother fucking a-theists are the spawn of Satan and should be flayed slowly alive on National TV, not given the same rights as God’s chosen people,” Mr. Crabkrotch said yesterday. “Those fucking sick, twisted pricks want to sit on the front of the bus like normal people, and drink, now get this, out of the SAME drinking fountains as we Christians do. What the fuck kinda shit is that?! I don’t know about you all, but I’d rather pour lye on my cock than drink out of a fountain one of those baby eatin’ mother fuckers drank from. A piece of baby flesh might fall out of their fangs when they’re drinkin’. That’s sick, man! I DO NOT want to have chewed baby flesh staring up at me when I lean down to take a drink of water. That’s nasty! Now look, I don’t mean to sound judgmental, or have anyone think my heart isn’t full of love for these godless pieces of shit, but they’ve chosen to be non-believers. No one held a gun to their head and said, ‘Don’t believe, or else.’ It’s their own fault they’re hated by Jesus. Jesus doesn’t say anywhere in the Bible that, ‘Thou shalt love stupid fucks who think I don’t exist!’, does he? And since he doesn’t, it’s perfectly logical to assume he wants non-believers to be hated and stuck on pikes from church walls, not sitting next to normal people on the bus.
Lastly, if we allow these deluded fuck heads these rights, who’s to say that they won’t want the right to be legally married next? It’s a slippery slope we’re on once non-believing, sub-human, cannibal a-theists start being granted the same rights as Christians. It may even lead to these demons eventually wanting the right to VOTE! Could you imagine that?! Mother fucking a-theists voting. Fuck! What a horrible thought. Well, that’s my two cents on the matter. I hope you all have a beautiful day now, surrounded in the warmth and love of Jesus, who loves everyone. Well, everyone but a-theists, gays, Jews, and Democrats that is.”