I Have A Confession To Make: I’m A Cannibal And I Worship Satan

Recently, I’ve decided to be more honest with myself and others in hopes of getting the Nobel Prize Committee to GET OFF IT’S COLLECTIVE ASS and give me my NOBEL PRIZE already!  So, I’ve a huge confession to make.

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

Not only do I eat Christian children and love it, I firmly believe in Satan, a magical invisible guy, and I’ve devoted my entire life, each and every breath of it, to Him and His insipid evil ways. Every night I strip down to a thin silver thong, cover my nipples in garlic butter, and chant morally deprived incantations to the scourge of all Christians, the “E” in all Evil, and the “A” in all atheism, Satan. The mushroom induced incantation I recently recited for my Lord and Master went something like this.

Oh great, nasty, mother fuckin’ Satan! You are soooo nasty and mother fuckin’ rotten! In honor of you and your limitless depravity, today I pushed an old man down to the pavement and told him I did it because I wanted to be more like you. Then I took his wallet and threw it down a sewer while calling him a sissy and a barnyard animal-fucker.  Oh, the fun I had doing it!

Oh, nasty, nasty mother fuckin’ evil one! Oh, enemy of Christians! Oh, bringer of bad smells! I know you’re real, and that you will reward me with many sexually perverted women who’ll use me as their love bitch simply because I have Faith in you.

And it is by Faith, and Faith alone, that I know you are, with absolute and undeniable certainty, real. My Faith in you, oh, Lord of all fecal matter, is infallible and perfect. This is obvious to all who share my Faith in you.  And lastly, oh, ceaseless torturer of puppies and senseless paralyzer of children, I meditated on my Faith in you for a very long time today and concluded it was not possible I could be wrong about your evil existence.  Thus, it is without refute that I know you exist in a timeless, space-less, immaterial, boundless shit-hole somewhere and are as real as real can be.  Bless you my evil Lord, and thank you for helping me become the nasty no-good-nik I proudly am today.

Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens, On Why Atheists Suck

TACP'S Republican Presidential Candidate, Dick Biggens

Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens Says, Atheists Suck!

Jesus Hates Fags City, Mississippi.  Hello everyone. My name is Dick Biggens.  I’m a Fundamentalist Christian and a firm believer that, not only will atheists one day burn in Hell beneath the sandal-ed feet of Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, they also suck.  I have five specific points on why atheists suck, but before I list them, I will first define for you exactly what an atheist is.  An atheist is any person who has not accepted Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Lord and Savior.  The only thing worse than an atheist in the eyes of Jesus are faggots.  Faggots are so despicable in Jesus’ eyes that, even if they accept Him as their Lord and Savior, He will still hate them for being faggots and burn them in the fires of Hell for eternity after they die.  And now, here is my list of ten reasons why atheists suck.

1.) Atheists suck because they are all faggots.  As I stated above, Jesus, Our All Loving Savior, hates nothing more than faggots.  Thus, since Jesus hates faggots AND atheists, all atheists are faggots.  See?  Simple.

2.) Atheists suck because they do not bow down and kiss the asses of Fundamentalist Christians the way Jesus demands they do.  We like our asses kissed and hate those who refuse to kiss them.  Nothing faggy about this, we just love the feel of warm lips on our Fundamentalist Christian asses, male and female.

3.) Atheists suck because they refuse to read the Bible correctly.  The correct way to read the Bible is our way.  Not reading the Bible our way is a sign that atheists are lazy, uneducated ninnies whose hearts are black and full of sticky, gooey, bile.  Also, since atheists refuse to read the Bible our way, it proves they are not open to reason, and horrible at doing research into why our way of reading the Bible is the ONLY way to read the Bible.  idjits.  The whole sucky lot of ’em.

4.) Atheists suck because they lack any sense of morality.  It is well-known within Fundamentalist Christian circles that all atheists are cannibals.  In particular, they enjoy eating little babies that they’ve ripped from the wombs of good, Fundamentalist Christian women.  Only people without morals would do this, and, as I stated earlier, atheists have no morals.  A person with no morals is also a cannibal.  Atheists have no morals.  Therefor, all atheists are cannibals.  Solid reasoning, is it not?

5.) Lastly, for today, I’ll leave you with this immaculate bit of Fundamentalist Christian reasoning.  People who do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Savior, suck.  Atheists do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their Savior.  Therefor, all atheists suck.

Yours in Our All Loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Dick Biggens.

A Christmas Message From TACP


Holiday-GreetingsOn this blessed day off from work, dear friends, let us remember that first Christmas, so very long ago, when the Pilgrims and the Indians dressed in scary costumes and gathered together to witness the birth of our savior, Baby Allah, whilst eating turkey and stuffing under the shining metal Festivus pole at Macy’s Department Store in New York. Let us remember, too, how they hated, yet loved each other; how they kissed and bit each other, and how they all got naked in the end and fucked like rabbits on steroids until the cock crowed three times in the East and their mothers called them home to scold them for behaving like immoral heathens so near the crib of the anointed one, Baby Allah. Let us remember them, my friends and let us have a great day today, because tomorrow, when we wake up, the fucking Republicans will STILL be in complete control of the U.S. Government. Have a great and Merry Christmas everyone. And remember, don’t tell the authorities if Christian infant is on your holiday menu tonight. Eating infants is, unfortunately, still illegal in most, if not all, countries of the world. $Amen$

Nicholas Wade: A Racist Author I Want To Eat

Nicolas Wade: Author, Racist, And Fuck Head

Nicolas Wade: Author, Racist, Fuck Head, & Meal

As an atheist and morally deprived, godless cannibal, I’ve made it my life’s duty to eat people who I consider to be fuck heads. Well, Nicolas Wade, author of a new racist book called, “A Troublesome Inheritance: Genes, Race and Human History,” is just such a fuck head. http://www.splcenter.org/blog/2014/05/28/troublesome-sources-nicholas-wades-embrace-of-scientific-racism/?utm_campaign=Best%20of%20the%20Hatewatch%20Blog:%20Week%20of%20June%205,%202014&utm_medium=email&utm_source=EOACLK

I hate racist fuck heads like Wade almost as much as I hate little boy rapist Catholic Priests. Why? Because they lack the balls to be honest about just how fucking racist they are. Instead, they hide behind pseudo-science and claim it somehow shows just how much smarter and more genetically advanced white people of European ancestry are to every other group of people on the planet, especially black people. It’s all genetic to fuck heads like Wade: Whites rule cause their genes make them superior. It’s all evolution. Right. It’s all bullshit. Fuck you, Nicolas Wade. Fuck you, and fuck your god damn white European ancestors. You spineless pussy. I’m going to eat you, Mr. Wade. I’m your genetic superior and on the top of the food chain. I’m a godless, morally deprived atheist who lacks all control over his basest instincts and emotions. Thus, my burning hatred of you, you fucking racist piece of shit, can only be quenched by my eating of your boiled flesh. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

Now I’m Being Sued By A Real Cannibal

I’ve made a lot of enemies this weekend, Ken Ham, Jedi Master PZ Meyers/Peezus Myers and his loyal following of sanctimonious puppies, but I never expected this. A real cannibal from somewhere in Texas (go figure, eh?) has filed a defamation of character lawsuit against me because he says I’m giving real cannibals a bad name with my cannibal posts.  The cannibal’s name is Harry Eatumup, and along with a notice that he was suing me, he sent me this letter, which I post below.

Cannibal Harry Eatumup Is Suing Me

Cannibal, Harry Eatumup Is Suing Me

“My dear Bigoted Shit-head,

My name is Harry Eatumup. I know cannibals. I went to school with cannibals. My wife is a cannibal. And you, sir, are no cannibal.  I also happen to be a decent, law-abiding cannibal myself and I have to tell you, you have insulted us greatly with your recent posts in which you claim to be a cannibal who’s going to eat either Ken Ham or Lord PZ Meyer’s for Christmas dinner.  No real cannibal would eat such foul, nasty meat if he were paid a million dollars to do so. The suggestion itself is so repulsive to me that it has spoiled my appetite, hurt my feelings, and made me cry. You are an unfeeling man, Mr. Pontificator. You lack empathy and fail to see the true beauty and love real cannibals bring to the world. You’ve made a mockery of our culture and our culinary arts in your childish and crude blog posts. Instead of getting to know the real cannibals in your community, you’ve shamed them further into hiding. So I’m suing you, Mr. Pontificator, for defaming my character, my culture, and my taste in food. See you in court.”

Man, who haven’t I offended this weekend? If you think of someone, let me know so I can because it’s almost over.