Now for another question to Christ from one of our billions of loyal readers.
Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they’re not growing. I put them in a shady spot, and the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn’t matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They’re not. They’re dying, and I’m VERY frustrated. Why aren’t you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants grow strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I’m at my wit’s end. Please help me understand what I’m doing wrong. Thank you for your prompt, pertinent reply, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush
Dear Jeb, you’re an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people’s tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do it? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this. Love always, your friend, Jesus Christ
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I swear the entire family is stupider than brain dead dogs…sorry I had a brain freeze and couldn’t think of anything stupid enough
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Idjits they all are. Total idjits. 😀
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This is great.
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Thank you, my friend.
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Something something fig tree.
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Pear tree, apple tree, strawberry, FISH!!!!!
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One of these things is not like the other…
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Dog, cat, lizard, REPUBLICAN!!!!!
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Go fish.
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Duck. Duck….Duck…GOOSE!!!!
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I’ll get you, you, you, wascally wabbit!
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Over?! Over?! NOTHING IS OVER! Was it over when the Germans bombed Peril Harbor?! Was it over when FDR walked on the moon for first of many times?! NO! Nothing is over until the fat man farts, and he ain’t eaten enough beans yet to do that! Burp! Excuse me.
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By listening to conservatives, I wouldn’t have thought that Hey-Soos was much into science. Guess I shouldn’t be listening to conservatives!
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Too much of that, and you’ll your brains start to run out of your ears. 🙂
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He moves in peculiar ways you know!
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Oh, trust me, I know. The sneaky bastard.
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Now, you see, that’s science! You’ve devised a simple test for the effectiveness of prayer. Kindergarten kids can do this, and learn science!
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Everyone’s good at something. With me, it’s this. $Amen$ 🙂
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Funny, back when I considered myself somehwt religious, this is basically the same exact answer I got for all of my prayers!
Fucking bastard!
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Me too. That’s why I made my Jesus honest, and kinda grouchy. I like my version. 🙂
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Oh mighty one may I please have a new somewhat? It would mean a lot to me, and I promise to be good. $Amen$
I think your version is the realistic one.
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Fuckin’ right ‘e is, mate! Fuckin’ right!
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Hey Jeez, you should have told us what’s keeping you so busy. I suspect you’re watching re-runs of Blue Bulls rugby matches. I know you’re a Bulls fan – I’ve seen some of them praying every time they do something good on the field.
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I am. Only my Pops likes all their opponents, so my team often gets beat. Sucks. 😦
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Jeebus => Jeb bush?
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Don’t give Bush any ideas. 🙂
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