Jesus Christ’s Pick For President In 2016, Bernie Sanders
Cloud 76, Heaven. Jesus Christ today, the Lord and Savior of all humanity, pledged his support behind Democratic Presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders. “I love Bernie Sanders,” Jesus said this morning. “Yes, I know, he’s Jewish, but so am I. So, deal with it. Bernie acts in a far more Christian way than 99% of people claiming to actually be Christians. Any way, he’s a man who is concerned with the well-being of all Americans, not just the wealthy white ones. I like that about him. His stance against Citizens United is a truly wonderful thing. It’s so refreshing to hear him speak.
“Really, I mean it. Vote for Bernie Sanders.” Love Always, Jesus Christ
This is especially true after listening to Republican Candidate Ben Carson idiotically telling people the Bible is to be taken literally, or Donald Trump spewing fascist, xenophobic rhetoric to his followers. Very unpleasant stuff. Take the word of Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior, and vote for Bernie Sanders. Decent human beings everywhere will be glad you did.”
Here are some celebrity reviews of The Bible I recently found in The New York Times.
1.) This book is AWESOME. There’s killing for the Lord, genocide in his name, infanticide, glorification of slavery, and enough misogynistic rhetoric to make any man with a small dick feel strong. I highly recommend reading it and using it to guide your life. Donald Trump
2.) This book sucks. It’s completely unbelievable. There’s a part where a “virgin” gets pregnant, tells her husband, “God did it,” and he believes her. Yeah. Right. Blow me. Pope Francis
3.) This book has gore, violence, and horror in it. I’ve never read a piece of literature filled with such a lust for blood. It needs to be BANNED from our schools and homes. It’s anti-American. Wait…I was thinking of The Koran. The Bible is not like that at all. Never mind. Sarah Palin
4.) Brilliant book on truth, science, and reality. I never knew the Earth was only 6000 years old until I read this gem of intellectual wisdom. Republican Presidential Candidate, Ben Carson.
5.) I LOVED this book. It has sex in it. Former President, Bill Clinton.
Ben Carson Says: “Ben Carson Is The Smartest One There Is!”
Bible Belt Town, Kentucky. Republican Presidential candidate, Ben Carson, said today that the Empire State Building was built by Joseph from the Bible as a storage container for canned goods. “Ben Carson says Joseph built the Empire State Building to store canned goods in,” Ben Carson proclaimed earlier. “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is! And when Ben Carson uses Ben Carson’s great intellect to deduce what is true in life, then what Ben Carson says about life is true! To doubt Ben Carson will make Ben Carson angry. When Ben Carson gets angry, Ben Carson SMASHES!!!!! So don’t make Ben Carson angry by doubting Ben Carson’s Empire State Building statement!” After making this last exclamation, Ben Carson stomped off into the sunset yelling, “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!! Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!!”
Ben Carson says, “The Earth is only 6 days old. I know this is true because I’m a Christian, a neurosurgeon, and I read the Bible. Also, I’m really, really, really smart. If you don’t agree with me just come on over here, and I’ll punch your liberal ass right in the nose!”
Yagottabekiddin Town, Illinois. Just when you thought the Republican Party could not appear more intellectually and morally challenged than it already is, Ben Carson, the Republican front-runner to win the Party’s nomination for President, announced today the Earth is only 6 days old. “I’m a Christian,” Carson said earlier, “and Christians, by nature, are very smart people. However, some of us think the Earth is 6000 years old, and this is just crazy. My years of studying to become a neurosurgeon have made me really, really, really smart. When you combine this with my devout Christian beliefs, it makes me the smartest man alive. Thus, when I tell you the Earth is only 6 days old, you’d better friggin’ believe me. Hell, I may very well be your next President, America, and if that happens, and I find out you don’t believe me when I tell you the Earth is only 6 days old, I’m gonna come to your house and punch you in your liberal nose. So, believe a smart guy like me: the Earth is only 6 days old, and remember, vote Republican, and vote for Ben Carson, the smartest friggin’ man alive.”