Tag Archives: Republican Presidential Candidate

01.28.16
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Ladies, Donald Trump Wants To Be Your Baby Daddy

Donald Trump Wants You To Have His Kids

Donald Trump Wants You To Have His Kids

Ego Town, Kansas.   Donald Trump announced today that he wants to have children with as many women as he can.  “As any real American can tell you,” Trump said earlier, “I’m the greatest thing to happen to the United States EVER!  Part of my greatness lies, of course, in my amazing skills as a lover.  Besides having a 14 inch penis and the ability to have 12, yes 12, orgasms an hour, my hands have been registered in all 50 states as powerful sex toys.   In November, I will be elected Emperor of America.  As a great lover, and soon to be Emperor, I want my seed spread across the country in the wombs of as many women as possible.   So, if you are a woman between the ages of 18 and 30 who wants to have wild sex with me, Donald Trump, AND become a receptacle for my manly, fertile seed, then go to http://www.Iwantdonaldsdick.com and register for a ride you’ll never forget.  It’s a first come, first serve basis, ladies.  So register early if you want to be one of the first to say, Donald Trump is my baby daddy!”

11.16.15
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Empire State Building Built By Joseph To Store Canned Goods Says Ben Carson

Ben Carson Says: "Ben Carson Is The Smartest One There Is!"

Ben Carson Says: “Ben Carson Is The Smartest One There Is!”

Bible Belt Town, Kentucky.    Republican Presidential candidate, Ben Carson, said today that the Empire State Building was built by Joseph from the Bible as a storage container for canned goods.  “Ben Carson says Joseph built the Empire State Building to store canned goods in,” Ben Carson proclaimed earlier.  “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!  And when Ben Carson uses Ben Carson’s great intellect to deduce what is true in life, then what Ben Carson says about life is true!  To doubt Ben Carson will make Ben Carson angry.  When Ben Carson gets angry, Ben Carson SMASHES!!!!!  So don’t make Ben Carson angry by doubting Ben Carson’s Empire State Building statement!”  After making this last exclamation, Ben Carson stomped off into the sunset yelling, “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!!  Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!!”

07.27.15
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This Week’s Advice From Christ

Now for another question to Christ from one of our billions of loyal readers.

 

Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they're not growing. I put them in a shady spot, the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn't matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They're not. They're dying, and I'm VERY frustrated. Why aren't you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I'm at my wits end. Please help me understand what I'm doing wrong. Thank you, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they’re not growing. I put them in a shady spot, and the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn’t matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They’re not. They’re dying, and I’m VERY frustrated. Why aren’t you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants grow strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I’m at my wit’s end. Please help me understand what I’m doing wrong.     Thank you for your prompt, pertinent reply, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

 

 

Dear Jeb, you're an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people's tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do that? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this. Love always, your friend, Jesus

Dear Jeb, you’re an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people’s tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do it? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this.   Love always, your friend, Jesus Christ