Lucifer Thrown Out Of Heaven, Again

Here’s a re-post of one of my favorite posts.

Lucifer, Lord of Hell, called me this morning just as I was getting out of the shower. “Dude,” he said rather excitedly, “you will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday.”  I assured him I would believe whatever he had to tell me because I already believed I was actually speaking to the Devil. “Alright then, man, get a load of this. Jesus calls me on my cell yesterday as I’m dipping Fred Phelps in and out of boiling oil and tells me my mom was in a car accident and is in the hospital.

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

She sustained a concussion, so they’re keeping her a few days for observation, he says. Then he asks, ‘Do you want to come up to see her?’ I said yes, of course, but reminded him his dad, as he well knew, would not be too keen on me being in Heaven, no matter what the reason. ‘I know, my Pop sure knows how to hold a grudge. But it’s your mom, and she’d certainly cheer up if she saw you. Just meet me by Pearly Gate entrance # 56A, and I’ll get you in and out without him ever knowing about it,’ Jesus says to me. So, I ask my associate, Hitler, to take over Mr. Phelps’ torture, hop on an elevator, hit the button marked, ‘top’, and, a few minutes later, I’m in Heaven. Jesus grabs me by the arm as soon I step off the elevator and tosses a Jedi-type robe on me. He says, ‘Keep the hood up until we get to your mom’s room, OK, Obi-Wan?’

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

So I flip up the hood, walk briskly with Jesus to his car, and we drive off to the hospital. By the way, if anyone ever asks, Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh? Anyway, we get to the hospital and go to my mom’s room. She just about died of joy when she saw me. ‘Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for bringing me my boy! Oh, thank you, Lord!’ She repeated, over and over. Then I held her and told her it was great to see her. ‘Are you getting enough to eat down in Hell, Lucie?’  She asks me. ‘You look like a skeleton. LOOK AT YOU! NO MEAT! NONE! You have to EAT, Lucie! EAT! You’ll waste away to dust down there with all that fire if you don’t. You need your mother. I wish you were up here by me instead of living in that hell you live in. I simply will NEVER forgive Yahweh for tossing you down there like he did. Oy vey, but he can be such an ass! You kids better get running though, speaking of Yahweh, before he finds out Lucie’s up here and throws a fit.’

Lucy, Lucifer's Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

Lucy, Lucifer’s Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

No sooner did my mom say that than a booming voice so loud it shook the building said, ‘What the hell are YOU doing up HERE, Lucifer!? Jesus, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I’m cutting you out of my will and giving your inheritance to Peter.’ Yahweh then made the roof of the hospital disappear, lifted me up and out of my mom’s room with his god-like will power, and tossed me down an elevator shaft into Hell, for the SECOND time in my life! What are the odds on that ever happening to someone, eh? So, you Mr. Pontificator, must write it down for your readers.  You’re the only one with enough credibility for people to believe it.”

And that is exactly what I just did. Imperious Rex!

 

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Christian Conservative Accidentially Killed While Teaching Hate

As you may have heard, an Al-Qaeda terror instructor recently killed himself and several of his terrorist students last week when a vest loaded with explosives detonated while he was demonstrating how to properly use it to his class. What you may not know is that a Christian hate mongering Sunday school teacher, who was teaching preschool children how to properly hate gays, Jews, and menstruating women, was also accidentally killed last week when the hate he had inflamed in his students was released, not on gays or Jews, but on the teacher himself instead.

 Jesus Wants Us To Hate Gays, Jews, and Menstruating Women

Jesus Wants Us To Hate Gays, Jews, and Menstruating Women

Apparently, this Christen teacher was showing his class how to recognize if a man is gay by walking in a particularly effeminate and stereotypical manner while whistling tunes from “My Fair Lady.” When the children he had just taught how to hate gays saw and heard this, they mistook him for being a REAL gay man, and attacked him like wolves attacking a baby sheep. He was torn limb from limb by the preschoolers. They also apparently ate what they tore from him because so little was left of him when police finally entered the classroom, his Fred Phelps autographed, “I Hate Fags,” button, which he always wore proudly on his chest, was the only thing left with which to identify his remains. The children were all tranquilized with an animal tranquilizer and placed in small iron cages by the police. Later, upon awakening, they were severely beaten with straps by their Jesus-loving parents. For while it is a good thing to hate and kill gays, Jews, and menstruating women, it is never a good thing to hate and kill those who teach us to do it, not even if it is on accident. So sayst the Lord, Jesus. Amen.

Braveheart Lays Seige To Fred Phelps And Westboro Baptist Church

Braveheart Fucked Up Fred Phelps Bad

Braveheart Fucked Up Fred Phelps Bad

In a really unusual occurrence this morning, a wormhole opened up next to Fred Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas.  Even more unusual was that William Wallace, aka Braveheart, stormed out of it on horseback, smashed the church to splinters, and castrated Mr Phelps with a dull butter knife.  He also sealed Mr Phelps’ testicles into his mouth with a rusty piece of chicken wire before cauterizing Phelps’ groin so he wouldn’t bleed out.

Brave Heart Cut Off Phelps' Balls Recently

Braveheart Cut Off Phelps’ Balls

He then tied Mr Phelps to a bench and had several barn yard animals sodomize him for several hours.   After releasing Mr. Phelps, Mr. Wallace re-entered the wormhole and it vanished.  Though no words were exchanged between the two men during this violent attack, Mr. Phelps screams could be heard up to a mile away, that is until his mouth was sewn shut with his testicles inside.   The end.