Der Fadder Land, Oklahoma. In unexpected news today, Hitler’s mustache declared itself as a candidate for the Republican nomination for President. “I am zee most qualified perzon for deez job! I am of zee superior white mustache race!” Hitler’s mustache said earlier. “I am zick und tired of zee Republican Party nominating azzholes to be zee Prezident of zee USA! I promise, if elected, zat I vill bring order, dizipline, and un Aryan senze of perfection into America! Those who fail to vote for me, should I vin, vill be summarily executed! Zo, I suggest everyone who vants to live, vote for me, Hitler’s mustache! Seig Heil! Seig Heil! Seig Heil!”
This Sunday evening Creationist Ken Ham, former Skeptic Movement member, PZ Myers, and President Obama will debate the pros and cons of men having beards and/or mustaches on a live, televised event from the White House. “I know that this has been a pressing issue on the minds of every American for sometime now,” President Obama said earlier, “and I felt it was time I addressed the issue rather than let it remain a very large elephant in our very small room of a country for much longer. So I asked for help from two of the most unusual men I know, who also happen to have facial hair, and I shut down all network and cable broadcasts from 8 PM til 11 PM for this coming Sunday. We three men now have a full 3 hours to debate this issue. I asked Mr. Ham to help out with this debate for two reasons. One, because he wears a beard, and he looks damn good in it, too, I might add. And two, because of his unwavering ability to stand by his belief that the Universe is only 6000 years old in spite of the fact he couldn’t be more wrong than if he believed he were really a beautiful ballerina trapped inside a man’s body. I admire that kind of bull-headed stubbornness in a person; though I wouldn’t want him teaching in any school my kids attended. The crazy bastard.
I chose PZ Myers for two reasons as well. One, because he also has facial hair, though his makes him look a bit wolfen, IMO. And two, because of his courage to quit the Skeptic Movement when 98% of the country actually had no idea there even was one. Now that’s brave folks. A lesser man would just have stopped paying his monthly “Skeptic Movement” dues and said nothing. Drawing attention to one’s self over something as trivial as this could, well, it could leave you open to ridicule and increase your chances of being cannibalized. There are CRAZY people out there today, folks. CRAZY people!
I know that one of the leading causes of everything from divorce to drug abuse stems from the fact most women do not like their men to have facial hair. Apparently it irritates their skin when they kiss them. This very issue actually once drove me to toss a pair of dirty socks at Michelle when she told me, under no uncertain circumstances, that I could not grow facial hair if I ever hoped to kiss her, much less have sex with her, ever again. I’m a MAN, damn it all to Hell! And like all men, I think a beard looks fucking really cool on me. And VERY masculine! Damn it! I want one! Why do I have to choose?! Huh?! Why?! Friggin’ women! They know we can’t live without the “nookie.” They damn well know it! And they hold that shit over our heads to make us do what THEY want, when THEY want, and how THEY want, all the damn time! This here is a HUGE issue, people! Huge!
So, I’m really looking forward to Sunday and the 3 hours Ken, PZ, and I will be debating this, and other facial hair issues, on EVERY TV station in the country, at the exact same time. I’m damn curious how Ham got his wife to OK his facial hair, so I’ll start by asking him that. Probably got all Biblical on her ass and threatened to have her stoned to death if she complained, or some such shit. See, there is a benefit to being extremely dense after all. Anyway, tune in Sunday for what’s sure to be an awesome 3 hours of TV. See you then.”