Der Fadder Land, Oklahoma. In unexpected news today, Hitler’s mustache declared itself as a candidate for the Republican nomination for President. “I am zee most qualified perzon for deez job! I am of zee superior white mustache race!” Hitler’s mustache said earlier. “I am zick und tired of zee Republican Party nominating azzholes to be zee Prezident of zee USA! I promise, if elected, zat I vill bring order, dizipline, and un Aryan senze of perfection into America! Those who fail to vote for me, should I vin, vill be summarily executed! Zo, I suggest everyone who vants to live, vote for me, Hitler’s mustache! Seig Heil! Seig Heil! Seig Heil!”
10.) The undocumented Mexican landscapers who charge .15 cents an hour to tend to their yards.
9.) African-Americans who are no longer in bondage.
8.) Unarmed civilians.
7.) People who call them elitist bigots.
6.) Rain that spoils their golf outings with the fellas.
5.) The painters who painted their winter home in Florida chalk-white when they left specific instructions to paint it BONE white.
3.) Fundamentalist Islamic atheists who are President of the United States.
2.) Disabled people who are too fuckin’ lazy to work and pay taxes so that they can get bigger breaks on theirs.
Many of you may be shocked by this confession, but I must admit, I hate Republicans. Can’t stand the self-serving pricks. They’re the modern equivalent of Nazis, in my humble, unbiased opinion. So, since I lack the omnipotence to send them, one and all, straight into the flames of Hell where I feel they belong (or at least to Mars where they’ll simple die off) I’m writing this post. It’s a post in which I will express some of my Nobel Prize winning ideas on how normal, decent Americans can take action against these spawns of evil in order to better our nation, a nation which is supposed to be for everyone, not just wealthy, white Christians. Here are some of my solutions to the Republican problem.
1.) Republicans need to have their own, inconveniently located, public restrooms. I do not want to pee, much less shit, in any restroom one of these bastards pees or shits in. Armed guards need to stand in front of regular public bathrooms and ask one or two quick questions to everyone wishing to use it. Here are two examples: “What’s your feeling on gay marriage, and how do you feel about disabled Americans who collect SSDI?” If the person flinches or makes a silly face, they get sent to a Republican bathroom located at least four blocks away from the one they’re attempting to use. Let these fuckers piss and/or shit their pants often enough, and maybe they’ll realize it’s time they move their feelings about others into the 21st century.
2.) Ever wonder how many Jesus lovin’, fag hatin’ Republicans look at gay porn? Pass a law to monitor their internet usage and make their browsing history public, just to fuck with ’em. I’d love it!
3.) Make them ride on “special” Republican buses so normal, decent Americans can ride free of their stench when using public transportation.
4.) Tax the shit outta their wealthy-ass churches and use the money to fund programs for the poor and needy. Isn’t that what Jesus would do?
5.) Make them live in designated Republican reservations in houses made just for them.
6.) Deny Republican couples the right to be married because marriage is a contract between two human beings who truly understand that love is something everyone feels and wishes to publicly express, not just white, heterosexual, rich, Christian shit-heals.
That’s all for now. But I promise to be back with more unbiased ideas on what to do about the Republican problem as soon as I think ’em up. Imperious Rex!