Lucifer Thrown Out Of Heaven, Again

Here’s a re-post of one of my favorite posts.

Lucifer, Lord of Hell, called me this morning just as I was getting out of the shower. “Dude,” he said rather excitedly, “you will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday.”  I assured him I would believe whatever he had to tell me because I already believed I was actually speaking to the Devil. “Alright then, man, get a load of this. Jesus calls me on my cell yesterday as I’m dipping Fred Phelps in and out of boiling oil and tells me my mom was in a car accident and is in the hospital.

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

She sustained a concussion, so they’re keeping her a few days for observation, he says. Then he asks, ‘Do you want to come up to see her?’ I said yes, of course, but reminded him his dad, as he well knew, would not be too keen on me being in Heaven, no matter what the reason. ‘I know, my Pop sure knows how to hold a grudge. But it’s your mom, and she’d certainly cheer up if she saw you. Just meet me by Pearly Gate entrance # 56A, and I’ll get you in and out without him ever knowing about it,’ Jesus says to me. So, I ask my associate, Hitler, to take over Mr. Phelps’ torture, hop on an elevator, hit the button marked, ‘top’, and, a few minutes later, I’m in Heaven. Jesus grabs me by the arm as soon I step off the elevator and tosses a Jedi-type robe on me. He says, ‘Keep the hood up until we get to your mom’s room, OK, Obi-Wan?’

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

So I flip up the hood, walk briskly with Jesus to his car, and we drive off to the hospital. By the way, if anyone ever asks, Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh? Anyway, we get to the hospital and go to my mom’s room. She just about died of joy when she saw me. ‘Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for bringing me my boy! Oh, thank you, Lord!’ She repeated, over and over. Then I held her and told her it was great to see her. ‘Are you getting enough to eat down in Hell, Lucie?’  She asks me. ‘You look like a skeleton. LOOK AT YOU! NO MEAT! NONE! You have to EAT, Lucie! EAT! You’ll waste away to dust down there with all that fire if you don’t. You need your mother. I wish you were up here by me instead of living in that hell you live in. I simply will NEVER forgive Yahweh for tossing you down there like he did. Oy vey, but he can be such an ass! You kids better get running though, speaking of Yahweh, before he finds out Lucie’s up here and throws a fit.’

Lucy, Lucifer's Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

Lucy, Lucifer’s Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

No sooner did my mom say that than a booming voice so loud it shook the building said, ‘What the hell are YOU doing up HERE, Lucifer!? Jesus, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I’m cutting you out of my will and giving your inheritance to Peter.’ Yahweh then made the roof of the hospital disappear, lifted me up and out of my mom’s room with his god-like will power, and tossed me down an elevator shaft into Hell, for the SECOND time in my life! What are the odds on that ever happening to someone, eh? So, you Mr. Pontificator, must write it down for your readers.  You’re the only one with enough credibility for people to believe it.”

And that is exactly what I just did. Imperious Rex!

 

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45 thoughts on “Lucifer Thrown Out Of Heaven, Again

  1. i’m having trouble getting you to appear in the reader. you weren’t there.it must be like bewitched doesn’t show up in pictures.
    i went to a baptist university & they made us take old or new testament. the professor kept talking about yahweh for months & i had no idea what he was talking about.finally, rabbi told me,that is how christians readG-d , adonoi in hebrew, b/c they don’t know how to read the word. lol

  2. I wish I could hit “like” on this a second time 🙂

  3. Oh, I swear. That’s the funniest thing I ever read. I can’t thank you enough for this! Lucifer’s mother just about made me pee my pants. How do you do it? What a gift!

  4. Where did you find a photo of my Gram?

  5. “Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh?”

    Dude. You are just not rite in yer head.
    Laughing my fucking ass off!

    How the Hell (pun intended) do you come up with this shit?!?!
    (I am jealous)
    Fucking hilarious.
    (I always cuss when I am happy.)

    Goddamn Great Fucking post!

  6. Awesome…I’m not into cars, but I wanna get me one of those Jesus mobiles so I can drive on water and make ridiculous shortcuts…oh wait, that wasn’t really the main point of Lucifer’s story, was it?
    What does surprise me is that there’s an elevator connecting heaving and hell. Does god know about this elevator? It seems to be a bit of a glitch in the matrix to have a piece of hardware connecting good and evil like that:S
    Great read btw!

  7. Twice? Oh well, do it once, do it twice, make it to the funeral and there will be a thrice!

  8. Lucifer is an unlucky fellow! Getting to be sent to hell twice

  9. I absolutely love this story! Haha! Lucie’s mom is Jewish, huh? 🙂

    Anyway, this story reminded me that my brother-in-law got “read out” of his church TWICE. Hah! He eventually returned after a period of time had passed. I wonder if Lucie will try and get back in? You could write a sitcom about JC and Lucie here 🙂

    • Oh yes, she’s Jewish. Old Testament stuff. Yahweh, Lucifer, and Lucie’s mom. Jesus is Jewish too. He was called, Rabbi. Christians just don’t like to admit this. As well, it was the Romans who killed Jesus, not the Jewish Pharisees. The Romans, were polytheists. They could give a shit about a theological disagreement amongst the Jews.

  10. Touch of the Raymond Chandler with the short punchy sentences methinks. JC comes out ok in this one? Fine post.

    • Raymond Chandler. Ya, that’s it. That’s the ticket!

    • JC I’ve no issue with. It’s those who’ve created religions in his name I can’t tolerate. If ANY of them actually practiced some of the things JC supposedly said, you know the, “treat the least amongst you as you would me,”stuff, they might actual be half-way likable. Funny, religions can take one or two hateful things in the Bible and practice them “literally,” but not the one’s about love and compassion. What’s worse, is they don’t even see the irony in it.

    • In a nutshell that’s about it – I agree with you.

    • And I with you; thus, we need to start a religion. Just cause. Naw. Just kidding. 🙂

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