Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman

 

aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.

A Complaint From Aquaman

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You know what really sucks?  When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet.  I’m AQUAMAN!  I live under water.  Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet?  If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits!  Harrumph!

Spoiler Alerts For The Near Future

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As many of the 700 million followers of this blog know, I’m able to see the future.  Therefor, I’ve decided to share with my readers a few spoilers of what’s soon to come.

1.)  Aquaman will drown because his ability to breath underwater will vanish on March 13th, 2018 while he’s collecting seashells in the deep Atlantic.

2.)  Bernie Sanders will convert to Catholicism and be named Pope on June 3rd, 2017.

3.)  Thomas Jefferson will return from the dead and tell Congress to go fuck itself for screwing up the Federal Government as badly as it has on January 19th, 2019.

4.)  Aliens from the Andromeda galaxy will arrive on Earth on December 2nd, 2020 to disassemble the pyramids in Egypt and to try pizza for the first time.

5.)  Citizens of Italy will wake up on July 22nd, 2019 speaking French instead of Italian.  Also, they will no longer remember how to make a decent lasagna.

6.)  Evangelical Christians will stop worrying about gay people and gay marriage and instead focus only on bettering themselves and solving their own, personal issues on…..Naw, I’m just fuckin’ with y’all.  We all know this will NEVER happen.

7.)  Santa Claus will shave his beard and reveal himself to be Brad Pitt on Christmas Eve, 2021.

8.)  And, lastly, for now, on April 23rd, 2017, Mickey and Minnie Mouse will announce they’ve just gotten married and are expecting a litter of nine to be born by the end of the month.

Now For A Word From Aquaman

Hi kids!  Just your friendly neighborhood Aquaman here with today's tidbit on the benefits of living under water.  Living under water is AWESOME cause when you gotta pee, you just let it go.  No need for urinals or toilets down here, kids!  Ahhh!  I just went right now.  Boy, do I feel better.  Bye now.

Hi kids!  Just your friendly neighborhood Aquaman here with today’s tidbit on the benefits of living under water.  Living under water is AWESOME cause when you gotta pee, you just let it go.  No need for urinals or toilets down here, kids!  Ahhh!  I just went right now.  Boy, do I feel better.  Bye now, and remember, if you gotta eat tuna, for Christ’s sake, make sure it’s dolphin safe.