Confessions Of A Garden Gnome

So, like, I'm just standin' there doin' my thing, ya know, an' dis big, an' I mean BIG. dog comes up ta me an' lifts 'is leg like 'es gonna pee on me.  So I says to 'em, 'HEY, Rover, if you pee on me, I'm gonna use my gnome magic an' turn ya inta a friggin' little pussy cat, so don't do it.'  An' guess what?  Dat bastard pissed on me anyways.  Da bastard.  'Co

So, like, I’m just standin’ there doin’ my thing, ya know, an’ dis big, an’ I mean BIG, dog comes up ta me an’ lifts ‘is leg like ‘es gonna pee on me.  So I says to ’em, ‘HEY, Rover, if you pee on me, I’m gonna use my gnome magic on ya an’ turn ya inta a friggin’ little pussy cat, so don’t do it.’  An’ guess what?  Dat bastard pissed on me anyways.  Da bastard.  It’s times like dat when I truly wish we garden gnomes really had magic powers.  ‘Cause if we did, I tells ya, dat dog would be meowin’ right now ‘stead ‘o barkin’ at squirrels in da god damn yard.  I’m really sick’a bein’ peed on by dogs.  It’s bloody humiliatin’!

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Confessions Of A 2000 Year Old Bed Bug

So, Dis Dude Is Hangin' On A Cross, Dyin', OK? 'N As I'm Suckin' Some Of The Last Drops 'O Blood Outta Da Poor Bastard 'E Looks Down At Me 'N Says, "Dude, Yer Drinkin' Da Blood 'O Da Lord.  Yer Gonna Live Ferever."  'Course, At Da Time, I Taught Da Dude Was Just Delirious From Da Agony 'E Was In, But 'Ere We Is, 2000 Plus Years Later, 'N I'm Still Suckin' Folks Blood Whilst Day Be Sleepin'.

So, Dis Dude Is Hangin’ On A Cross, Dyin’, OK? ‘N As I’m Suckin’ Some Of The Last Drops ‘O Blood Outta Da Poor Bastard ‘E Looks Down At Me ‘N Says, “Dude, Yer Drinkin’ Da Blood ‘O Da Lord. Yer Gonna Live Ferever.” ‘Course, At Da Time, I Taught Da Dude Was Just Delirious From Da Agony ‘E Was In, But ‘Ere We Is, 2000 Plus Years Later, ‘N I’m Still Suckin’ Folks’ Blood Whilst Day Be Sleepin’.  Guess ‘E Weren’t Dat Crazy After All, Eh?   Becky The Bed Bug, September 12th, 2004