George Washington Quote Of The Day

“I dream of a day when American Presidents can simply make shit up, blabber it out, and have millions of devout followers believe all they say. It is for this reason the Revolutionary War was fought. It is for this reason I find this miserable life, where hot showers do not yet exist, livable. And it is for this reason Martha thinks I’m bat-shit crazy and will no longer sleep with me.” From George Washington’s inaugural address. 1789

 

 

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Einstein Quote For Today

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“Ouch!  God dammit!  I stubbed my little toe on that friggin’ couch over there!  SON  OF  A  BITCH!  Whose bright idea was it to put it there?  Mother of Christ, but this hurts like hell!”   Albert Einstein, May 12th, 1942

Bullshit Quotes From History

 

"I swear to all the gods that ever were, and ever will be, this is a real picture of me." The Arm Chair Pontificator, circa 2016

“I swear to all the gods that ever were, and ever will be, this is a real picture of me.”  The Arm Chair Pontificator, circa 2016

 

 

"I'm sorry, Bambi. I didn't really mean to shoot your mother in the head and blow her brains all over the meadow." Unknown Deer Hunter, circa 1942

“I’m sorry, Bambi. I didn’t really mean to shoot your mother in the head and blow her brains all over the meadow.” Unknown Deer Hunter, circa 1942

 

 

"Look, I promise, I'm simply going to tiptoe, quietly, right through Tokyo, and you'll never known I was ever hear. OK?" Godzilla to the Japanese people, circa 1954

“Look, I promise, I’m simply going to tiptoe, quietly, right through Tokyo, and you’ll never known I was ever hear. OK?” Godzilla to the Japanese people, circa 1954

 

 

"The greatest enemy to America, and by far, the laziest group of people who've ever lived, are poor people." Current Era Republican Party Mantra

“The greatest enemy to America, and by far, the laziest group of people who’ve ever lived, are poor people.”   Current Era Republican Party Mantra

 

 

"No ma'am, I didn't put a pill in your drink to knock you out so I can molest you. Why, oh why, would I ever do something like that?" Bill Cosby, circa 1984

“No ma’am, I didn’t put a pill in your drink to knock you out so I can molest you. Why, oh why, would I ever do something like that?”  Bill Cosby, circa 1984

Words Of Wisdom From Casper The Friendly Ghost

Hi folks, Casper the Friendly Ghost here.  I just got back from a surprise visit to a nursing home.  Wasn't the best idea I've ever had, however.  You'd be surprised at how many old people with heart conditions drop dead from fright when a ghost comes through the wall and shouts, "HELLO", to them.

Hi folks, Casper the Friendly Ghost here. I just got back from a surprise visit to a nursing home. Wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, however. You’d be surprised at how many old people with heart conditions drop dead from fright when a ghost comes through the wall and shouts, “HELLO”, to them.

Today’s Message From Jesus

So, I go down to the bloody laundry room to do my laundry this morning and some bitch is down there using, not only all 5 machines, but all 5 dryers as well.  When I asked her how long she'd thought she'd be, she tells me, "None of yer fuckin' business asshole!"  Needless to say, that was not the answer I was looking for, so I turned the bitch into a newt and sent her laundry into the heart of the sun.  Regardless of what you all may have heard about me, I'm not a patient deity, nor am I always nice to people, especially not on laundry day.  I fuckin' HATE doin' laundry!

So, I go down to the bloody laundry room to do my laundry this morning and some bitch is down there using, not only all 5 washing machines, but all 5 dryers as well. When I asked her how long she’d thought she’d be, she tells me, “None of yer fuckin’ business asshole!” Needless to say, that was not the answer I was looking for, so I turned the bitch into a newt and sent her laundry into the heart of the sun. Regardless of what you all may have heard about me, I’m not a patient deity, nor am I always nice to people, especially not on laundry day. I fuckin’ HATE doin’ laundry!

Philosophy From The Late Sony Bono

“Three hamsters are running in three wheels at the same time. The first hamster’s name is Joe, the second’s Pete, and the third’s Sally. It is uncertain which one is causing the other two to run out of sync with the ones running in sync with themselves. Which two are out of sync and why? Which one is causing the ‘sync’ issue, and how long has the problem been going on? How certain are you of your answers, and why? BTW, if you’re wrong, nothing will happen. No one will care. No wars will end. No illnesses will be cured. No stinky poop will start to smell like roses. BUT, what IS certain, is that a lot of fucking time will wasted on a fruitless exercise.” Sony Bono to Cher, circa 1972

“Three hamsters are running in three wheels at the same time. The first hamster’s name is Joe, the second’s Pete, and the third’s Sally. It is uncertain which one is causing the other two to run out of sync with the one running in sync.  Which two are out of sync and why? Which one is causing the ‘sync’ issue, and how long has the problem been going on? How certain are you of your answers, and why? BTW, if you’re wrong, nothing will happen. No one will care. No wars will end. No illnesses will be cured. Poop will not start to smell like roses. BUT, what IS certain, is that a lot of fucking time will be wasted on a fruitless exercise.”  Sony Bono to Cher, March, 23rd 1971

Wise, Awesome Knowledge From The Book Of Revelation

And There Shall Be Great Gaps In The Knowledge Of The People That Will Be Filled With Nebulous Horseshit That Far Too Many Will Claim To Be Divine, Infallible Knowledge That They Are Privy To Because, Well, Because They Say So.   Revelation, 65:34

And There Will Be Great Gaps In The Knowledge Of The People.  These Will Be Filled With Copious Amounts Of Horseshit That Many Will Claim To Be Divinely Inspired And Infallibly Correct.  They Will Say This Knowledge Is Infallibly Correct Because, Well, Because It Will Be Written In Very Old Books Which They Will Claim Contain Infallible, Divinely Inspired, Perfectly Correct, Knowledge.  And There Will Be Great Rejoicing Throughout The Land!   Revelation, 65:34:33—HIKE!!!