Things Pumpkins Would Say

You know why I'm smiling? I'm smiling because some sadistic bastard cut open the top of my head, gored out my innards, and CARVED this big-ass grin into my face! I may look happy, but believe me, I sure ain't. I'm in AGONY!

You know why I’m smiling? I’m smiling because some sadistic bastard cut open the top of my head, gored out my innards, and CARVED this big-ass grin into my face! I may look happy, but believe me, I sure ain’t. I’m in AGONY!

 

I was a perfectly happy pumpkin living my life in a pumpkin patch until some asshole took me home and carved me into this replica of Dick Cheney. I've now got to live the remainder of my days looking like this vile prick. I fuckin' HATE Halloween. Really, I do.

I was a perfectly happy pumpkin living my life in a pumpkin patch until some asshole took me home and carved me into this replica of Dick Cheney. I’ve now got to live the remainder of my days looking like this vile prick. I fuckin’ HATE Halloween. Really, I do.

Halloween Costumes Available At Our Online Store

The Arm Chair Pontificator online store is now offering some truly unique costumes just in time for Halloween. Check ’em out.

1.) The Tea Party Member: This little beauty consists of a three-piece suit, a loaded .45, a thumpin’ Bible, a Jesus Hates Obama, Fags, Jews, and Liberals picket sign, and a tax-exempt number you can use to buy whatever you want, tax-free, for a whole week, all for only $9.99. Act now and we’ll toss in two undocumented Hispanic domestic laborers for you to use, totally free, for as long as you wish. Note: you’ll have to feed them occasionally if you expect consistent, quality work from them.

The Tea Party Member

The Tea Party Member

2.) The Ken Ham: This baby will make you look, think, and sound just like Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham. Put it on, and the world suddenly becomes only 6000 years old; Evolution becomes a big, fat silly lie, and reasonable thinking becomes a completely antiquated mental process. All this can be yours for the biblically low price of just $7.98, plus tax. Order now, and receive an authentic picture of Jesus riding a T-Rex signed by none other than the son of God himself at no additional cost.

The Ken Ham

The Ken Ham

3.) The Wormhole: Put on the Wormhole costume; walk into a Halloween party; switch it on, and watch as your friends are sucked into a massive vortex that sends them…..??? Who the hell knows where it’ll send them! It’s a wormhole! You’ll be talked about at Halloween parties for decades to come when you wear The Wormhole costume at the big Halloween party you plan on attending this year. Inter-dimensional fun is yours for the modest price of just $8.66.

The Wormhole

The Wormhole

4.) The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian: Be the talk of all your bible-thumping, gay-hating pals when you slip into this one of a kind costume which allows you to be a gay tolerant Conservative Christian for as long as you wear it. We must warn you, however, that if you wear it for more than 48 hours straight, you very well may find yourself vocally supporting gay marriage rights, so beware. Show hate-filled Christians how to not hate people they don’t understand by purchasing The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian costume for the blessed price of just $10.99.

The Non-Homophobic Conservative Christian

The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian

That’s all folks. See you later!