I Can Do Amazing, Crazy Shit With This

I can do amazing shit just using the power of my mind. I haven’t mentioned this until now because I’m pathologically modest and talking about my wonderful greatness is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I decided to write down some of the more wondrous things I’ve done, and can do, with my mind because I’m a firm believer in telling the truth about oneself whenever and wherever possible. I can thus assure you that every word I write, or have ever written, is absolutely and undeniably true. Every word of it. What benefit is there in making crazy shit up anyway? Now, without further ado, I give you a list of some of the crazy, amazing shit I’ve done, and can do, with the power of my mind.

1.) Yesterday I reached 165 million years into the past with the power of my cerebral cortex and caused the dinosaurs to go extinct.

I Did This

2.) As I write this I’m sending the entire universe far into the future, one second at a time, just by thinking about it.

Into The Future We Go

3.) I’m currently preventing a zombie apocalypse by willing the dead to stay in their graves.

I’m Keeping This From Happening

4.) I’m holding the building up across the street from me by simply thinking about it.

I’m Holding This Building Up Right Now

5.) I’m preventing millions of dogs from chasing millions of cats world-wide by telepathically sending them the message, “Be nice now, guys.”

I’m Keeping Them Friends

6.) I’m keeping the tectonic activity of the Earth active by channeling the power of my amygdala into the Earth’s core to keep it smokin’ hot.

I’m Keepin’ This Baby Cookin’

7.) Lastly, I’m moving the water around in the oceans by imagining massive winds blowing over it.

I’m The Reason This Happens

Thank you for reading. Yours in humble modesty, The Arm Chair Pontificator.