Things I’ve Decided To Never Again Do Naked

Artist’s Rendering Of Me Practicing Ballet, Circa 1995

1.) Ask a woman out on a date for the first time.

2.) Walk into a gas station to ask for directions.

3.) Juggle 5 cats at the same time.

4.) Go into a biker bar and yell out,” You’re all a bunch of sissies!”

5.) Deliver pizza to a 5 year old’s birthday party.

6.) Work as a CNA in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients.

7.) Tell the cop who just pulled me over, “Look, I don’t have my license on me cause I’m not wearing any clothes!”

8.) Ride a horse through the city in a snow storm.

9.) Sunbathe next to a convent filled with horny nuns.

10.) Jump on a trampoline in school yard full of children.

Nobel Committee Has Sent Assassins To Kill Me

This Dude Was Sent To Kill Me

This Dude Was Sent To Kill Me

I’ve not been able to post this week because the Nobel Prize Committee has sent several ninjas and assassins to kill me.  Thus, I’ve been hiding out in the woods of Michigan with some pizza, some beer, and a few comic books.   I sent boxes of live fire ants to each member of the Nobel Committee because they continually refuse to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize.  Apparently, they did not like being bitten by the fire ants I sent them, so they hired professionals to kill me.  Once this blows over, which hopefully will be any day now cause I’m running outta pizza and beer, I’ll post regularly again.  Thanks for reading, and please, if you see any ninjas or assassins, don’t tell them where I am.

Things I’m Having A Hard Time Doing

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital

1.) I’ve been trying to get a divorce, but since I’m not married, I’m finding it hard to do.

2.) I’m trying to become mayor of a small town in Mexico, any small Mexican town will do, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I’m finding it difficult to do.

3.) I’m trying to build a particle accelerator in my studio apartment, but I’m finding it hard to do because I don’t have enough room.

4.) I’m trying to start a career as a porn star by touting myself as The Stud With The 15″ Penis, but since my penis is only 5 and one half inches, I’m finding it difficult to do.

5.) I’m trying to come up with ten of these but I’m finding it hard to do, so I’ll end here.

 

10 Things I’ve Recently Learned

things

Here are 10 things I’ve learned recently.

1.) I do not have the power of 50 men in my right arm.

2.) I should not jump off garage roofs for fun.

3.) Skunks do not like to be cuddled.

4.) Placing one’s hand into a mound of fire ants has very painful consequences.

5.) Tequila is not for snorting.

6.) Women do not find it sexy that I can eat 12 jelly donuts at once.

7.) A good way to lose friends is by putting tiger balm in their jocks.

8.) Spitting cobras are not good pets for the elderly.

9.) Calling large, muscular dudes in the gym sissy-boys is a bad idea.

10.) Riding horses naked through large metropolitan areas in subzero weather impresses no one.

 

I’m Running For President And Elmer Fudd Is My Running Mate

Shhh! Be Berry Berry Quiet! I'm Gonna Be Da Pontificator's Wonning Mate Fer Da Pwesidency Ov Amerwica!

Shhh! Be Bearwee, Bearwee Quiet! I’m Gonna Be Da Pontificator’s Wonning Mate Fer Da Pwesidency Ov Amerwica!

I’ve decided I’m going to run for President of the U.S.  Hell, why not?  I’m a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner.   No other candidate can make that claim, AND I’ve picked Elmer Fudd to be my running mate.  How can you go wrong with that?  With the 750 million followers I have on this blog, and the 6 billion views it gets per day, there’s no way I can not become President.  I wonder, now that I’m running for President, how long will it be before I start receiving national security updates?

Why I Hate The French

Read Below To Learn Why I Hate These People

Read Below To Learn Why I Hate These People

As many who’ve followed my self-awarded, Nobel Prize winning work over the past 60 years know, I hate the French.   I’ve never said why, but, after receiving close to 500,000 emails in the past 2 hours asking me for an explanation,  I’ve decided to spill my guts on the matter.   Here are my very valid reasons for hating the French.

1.)  The Battle of Hastings.  Need I say more?  These bastards invaded England in 1066, and all but ruined the English language by injecting their fluffy one into it.  Before The Battle of Hastings, a chair was simply called a sittin’ peg.  Now we call sittin’ pegs “chairs”.  Why?  Because of the French and their highbrow, pansy-ass language.  Screw that, man!

2.) Bread.  Before the French decided to roll out bread dough into long, thin loaves, long thin bread was considered abhorrent, and those who made it were burned at the stake as witches.  But, then, along come the goddamn French with their fancy-ass long loaves of bread they call “French Bread” and guess what?   It becomes popular and desired.   I cry FOUL on this one, you French, witch bastards!   You may be able to fool others with your evil, witch ways and nasty, abhorrent, long-loafed bread, but you can’t pull the wool over this Nobel Prize Winner’s eyes.  I’m onto you, and I’m watching you.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

3.) French Toast.  This last one is simply the worse.   Before the coming of the French, toast was just toast.  Nothing fancy about it.  You toasted some goddamn bread, buttered it, put jam on it, and ate the fuckin’ thing.  But, of course, this wasn’t good enough for the French.  No.  They needed to dip bread in eggs first, put cinnamon on it, and fry it before eating it.  AND, they, naturally, call this unnatural dish, “French” Toast.  Fuck that!  It’s just toast with eggs and cinnamon on it!  How the hell is that “French”?  Jesus, these people simply can’t touch ANYTHING without defiling it with their “French” ways!   I HATE ’em!  And now, I’m sure you do too.  Thanks for reading, and remember, if you’re American,  arm yourself.  It’s your right and the only way to keep America free.

I’ve Won The Offensive Blogger Award

Dude, This Blog Is Offensive

Dude, This Blog Is Offensive

Great news this morning.  I created a new blogger award and gave it to myself.  It’s The Offensive Blogger Award, and here’s why I received it.

1.) Gratuitous use of the word “fuck” for no good fuckin’ reason.

2.) Continuously publishing posts about Republicans that say they are greedy, heartless, bastards in a one-sided, prejudiced way.

3.) Blog shows a vile, and unfettered dislike towards Creationists and other right-wing religious conservatives who bother the living fuck outta me with their idiotic banter and continuous bitching about how THEIR rights are being violated because I don’t kiss their asses and praise them for believing in invisible sky fairies.

4.) Blog makes too many lists of silly shit in its posts.

5.) Blog picks far too much on pedophile rapist priests and the Catholic Church which breeds, distributes, and protects them from prosecution by covering up their crimes and hiding them in one unsuspecting community after another.  Fuck the Catholic Church.  Hard.  (See, I just did it again)

6.) And, lastly, though I insist everyone in life has a right to express their opinions, I deeply believe those who do not agree with mine are completely wrong.  Why?  Because I read it here on my blog, and everyone knows that if something is written down, it surely can’t be wrong.