Tag Archives: self deprecating humor

07.13.19
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Things I Should Not Have Done Or Said

You Did Or Said WHAT???

10.)  I should not have told the cop who pulled me over for speeding that I’d stop sleeping with his wife if he didn’t give me a ticket.

9.)  I should not have had a full plate of re-fried beans for dinner an hour before my girlfriend performed oral sex on me.

8.)  I should not have wandered into a children’s ward in the hospital wearing nothing but a smile and an orange condom.

7.)  I should not have released a bag of a thousand spiders and centipedes on the food buffet table at my 89 year old grandmother’s birthday party.

6.)  I should not have entered a local talent contest as a cat juggler and tried to juggle 6 adult cats at once.  (BAD idea!)

5.)  I should not have tried to save money by using the leaves from an elephant ear plant as a diaper for my 6 month old niece.

4.)  I should not have dressed as a rabbi and tried to circumcise my Jewish neighbor’s son, especially because he was 6 years old and already circumcised.

3.)  I should not have thought using a can of compressed air as toilet paper would do a sufficient job of cleaning my rump after going number two.

2.)  I should not have bit down on my dentist’s finger as hard as I could “just to see what would happen” during a routine dental cleaning.

1.)  I should not have prank-called the members of the the Nobel Prize Committee threatening to “kick their asses for refusing to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize” without using a burner phone.  (Did you realize YOUR number shows up on OTHER people’s phones when you call them?  Go figure!)

 

 

 

11.30.18
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I Probably Shouldn’t Have Used A Lightsaber For…

I received a working lightsaber for Christmas last year.  Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have used it for.

My Lightsaber

1.)  Opening a can of tuna.

2.)  Cleaning the wax out of my ears.

3.)  Brushing my hamster.

4.)  Chasing a group of young ruffians off of my lawn.

5.)  A vibrator.

6.)  Knocking on my neighbor’s door.

7.)  Filling out my income taxes.

8.)  Wiping my butt after going #2.

9.)  Eating spaghetti.

10.)  Proposing to my girlfriend.

 

11.29.18
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I’ve Offered To Make A Plea Deal With Robert Mueller

“The Arm Chair Who Wants To Do What?” Says Robert Mueller

In case anyone is concerned with my day-to-day activities, and who, for Christ’s sake isn’t, I’ve recently offered to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller and give him everything I know about Donald Trump and Russia.   He told me, “No way, pal,” since I’ve not been charged with anything, and, in reality, have absolutely NOTHING to do with Trump OR Russia.  This is kind of a bummer as I’d hoped to make a deal were I could be relocated to Hawaii and be surrounded by beautiful women agents who’d do anything I asked them to until my dying day.   Oh, well, what can ya do, eh?  Welp, I’m off to write threatening letters to members of the Nobel Prize Committee for STILL not recognizing my self-awarded Nobel Prize.  $Amen$

09.03.18
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Happy Labor Day To American Moms

Don’t entirely understand why anyone would want to celebrate the labor part of birthing a child, but, this is America and we’re kinda f**ked up here.  So, here’s wishing all the moms in America a happy Labor Day!  I’m so glad it’s you all who get to have babies and continue our race cause if it were up to men to do it, we’d have died out thousands of years ago.   Enjoy the day, the memories, and pop a pain pill on me if it hurts at all.  See ya next year!

09.02.18
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I’ve Been Wrongly Imprisoned By The Nobel Prize Committee

Me

I’ve not been able to write many posts of late because I’ve been in a Swiss prison cell held captive by the Nobel Prize Committee.    Apparently, the members of the Committee grew weary of me harassing them, their elderly parents, and their children.   I did these things because the Nobel Prize Committee STILL refuses to give me my well-earned, self-awarded Nobel Prize for being an overall, big-brained genius.  I deserve this award, and I want it, along with all the joyous accolades that go along with it, $$$$$.   I’ve been prank calling members of the Committee daily now for almost 6 years, and all I ever get is an angry “Eff you!” from every last one of them.  So, in order to get noticed, I sent boxes of fire ants to their children’s schools and crates of venomous snakes to their elderly parents’ retirement homes.   Was this nice?  No.  Was it necessary?   Yes.  What was not necessary was the Committee members filing restraining orders against me and having me arrested and imprisoned for violating them.  UNFAIR!!!  I call bunk on them.  All they have to do is give me my gar-darned  Nobel Prize and all will be over!   I will never cease bothering them until this happens.  Granted, being imprisoned does make this more difficult, but I will find a way!  I swear to Zeus, I will.   Until then, I sincerely hope all of my readers will keep me in their thoughts and write letters to the Nobel Prize Committee demanding they give me my award and release me from prison, though not necessarily in that order.   I’m the most wrongly persecuted and maligned person to have ever lived, except of course, for Donald Trump.   Oh, I gotta go now.  They’re bringing me the rice pudding I demanded this morning with my lunch.   I’ll see everyone very soon.  You can take that to your bank and deposit it!  $Amen$

07.08.18
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The Media Is Out To Get Me

These Effing Sons O’ Bitches Are Out To Ruin Me

As anyone who reads this blog knows, several years ago I awarded myself a Nobel Prize because I felt I deserved it.  Ever since that time, I’ve been hounded and mocked by the Nobel Prize Committee simply because I demand they acknowledge my prize.   I prank call them; send dead skunks to their children’s schools, and send fire ant-filled pinatas to the nursing homes were their elderly parents live.  Yet, still, they refuse to acknowledge that I even exist.  Sure, they’ve had restraining orders taken out against me, but, so what?  I’m still out here, and I ain’t going away ’til I get my prize from them.   Recently, however, the media has become involved in the harassment I endure daily from the Nobel Prize Committee.

The media, I once thought, would be my friend against the Nobel Committee.  I sent letters to every major, and minor news outlet in the country to notify them of the great injustice I live with every day of my life.  Not one of them has responded or acknowledged I even exist.  This is ridiculous and cruel.  How many self-awarded Nobel Prize winners are there for Christ’s sake?  None but me that I can think of.  Is this not a major story for the media?  It should be.  But, because the Nobel Prize Committee has tainted my image with the media, I’m ignored by them.  This is abusive, unfair, and cruel.  The media are out to ruin my good name simply by ignoring the great things I’ve done and the great prizes I’ve awarded myself.  I’ll stand for it no more.  From this day forward, I’m declaring war on the media.  They are fake.  And, since they refuse to tout my greatness, everything they say and report about is fake.

My Arch Enemies. I Hate These Bastards.

I’ve got a letter in to Rudy Giuliani  demanding that he stop talking smack to the media about Robert Mueller and start talking smack to them about how unfair they’re being to me.  So far, he’s not responded to me.   He’d better , or I’ll send a porcupine to his New York office to stick quills in his butt.   My war on the media now joins my war on the Nobel Prize Committee, and it will continue unabated until I receive all the praise I’ve decided I deserve from both of them.  It’s gonna get ugly around here, folks.  So buckle up and enjoy the show.  It’s gonna be one you’ll never forget.  $Imperious Rex$

01.29.18
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I’m Being Discriminated Against…Again!

Well, it’s happened again.   Another group of people has decided I can no longer belong to their “unique” club.    This time it’s the Russian Oligarchs.  The bastards.   I mean, sure, I’m not Russian; I don’t speak Russian, hell, I’ve never even been anywhere near Russia, and I’m poorer than a church mouse, but SO WHAT!!!  If you prick me, will I not bleed like a Russian Oligarch?  If you insult me, in English cause I don’t speak Russian, will I not cry like a Russian Oligarch?   If you give me tens of billions of dollars, will I not use it to greedily enrich myself and shower myself in gold, diamonds, and sexy babes like Russian Oligarchs do?  Of course!

Russian Oligarch Saying: “Who The Fuck Is The Arm Chair Pontificator?”

Just because I was never asked to join the Russian Oligarch club is no reason to kick me out of it.  ENOUGH!!  Until I’m reinstated into said club, I’m going to crank call every oligarch in Russia, their friends, their families, and even their pets until they cry into their bottles of high alcohol content vodka and beg me to stop.   I hope they like their phones ringing at 3AM, because that’s when I’m gonna crank ’em.  Get ready to never sleep again, you bigoted Russkies.   You bastards have picked on the wrong American!  (Don’t say I didn’t warn you).