10.) I should not have told the cop who pulled me over for speeding that I’d stop sleeping with his wife if he didn’t give me a ticket.
9.) I should not have had a full plate of re-fried beans for dinner an hour before my girlfriend performed oral sex on me.
8.) I should not have wandered into a children’s ward in the hospital wearing nothing but a smile and an orange condom.
7.) I should not have released a bag of a thousand spiders and centipedes on the food buffet table at my 89 year old grandmother’s birthday party.
6.) I should not have entered a local talent contest as a cat juggler and tried to juggle 6 adult cats at once. (BAD idea!)
5.) I should not have tried to save money by using the leaves from an elephant ear plant as a diaper for my 6 month old niece.
4.) I should not have dressed as a rabbi and tried to circumcise my Jewish neighbor’s son, especially because he was 6 years old and already circumcised.
3.) I should not have thought using a can of compressed air as toilet paper would do a sufficient job of cleaning my rump after going number two.
2.) I should not have bit down on my dentist’s finger as hard as I could “just to see what would happen” during a routine dental cleaning.
1.) I should not have prank-called the members of the the Nobel Prize Committee threatening to “kick their asses for refusing to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize” without using a burner phone. (Did you realize YOUR number shows up on OTHER people’s phones when you call them? Go figure!)