Don’t entirely understand why anyone would want to celebrate the labor part of birthing a child, but, this is America and we’re kinda f**ked up here. So, here’s wishing all the moms in America a happy Labor Day! I’m so glad it’s you all who get to have babies and continue our race cause if it were up to men to do it, we’d have died out thousands of years ago. Enjoy the day, the memories, and pop a pain pill on me if it hurts at all. See ya next year!
I’ve not been able to write many posts of late because I’ve been in a Swiss prison cell held captive by the Nobel Prize Committee. Apparently, the members of the Committee grew weary of me harassing them, their elderly parents, and their children. I did these things because the Nobel Prize Committee STILL refuses to give me my well-earned, self-awarded Nobel Prize for being an overall, big-brained genius. I deserve this award, and I want it, along with all the joyous accolades that go along with it, $$$$$. I’ve been prank calling members of the Committee daily now for almost 6 years, and all I ever get is an angry “Eff you!” from every last one of them. So, in order to get noticed, I sent boxes of fire ants to their children’s schools and crates of venomous snakes to their elderly parents’ retirement homes. Was this nice? No. Was it necessary? Yes. What was not necessary was the Committee members filing restraining orders against me and having me arrested and imprisoned for violating them. UNFAIR!!! I call bunk on them. All they have to do is give me my gar-darned Nobel Prize and all will be over! I will never cease bothering them until this happens. Granted, being imprisoned does make this more difficult, but I will find a way! I swear to Zeus, I will. Until then, I sincerely hope all of my readers will keep me in their thoughts and write letters to the Nobel Prize Committee demanding they give me my award and release me from prison, though not necessarily in that order. I’m the most wrongly persecuted and maligned person to have ever lived, except of course, for Donald Trump. Oh, I gotta go now. They’re bringing me the rice pudding I demanded this morning with my lunch. I’ll see everyone very soon. You can take that to your bank and deposit it! $Amen$
As anyone who reads this blog knows, several years ago I awarded myself a Nobel Prize because I felt I deserved it. Ever since that time, I’ve been hounded and mocked by the Nobel Prize Committee simply because I demand they acknowledge my prize. I prank call them; send dead skunks to their children’s schools, and send fire ant-filled pinatas to the nursing homes were their elderly parents live. Yet, still, they refuse to acknowledge that I even exist. Sure, they’ve had restraining orders taken out against me, but, so what? I’m still out here, and I ain’t going away ’til I get my prize from them. Recently, however, the media has become involved in the harassment I endure daily from the Nobel Prize Committee.
The media, I once thought, would be my friend against the Nobel Committee. I sent letters to every major, and minor news outlet in the country to notify them of the great injustice I live with every day of my life. Not one of them has responded or acknowledged I even exist. This is ridiculous and cruel. How many self-awarded Nobel Prize winners are there for Christ’s sake? None but me that I can think of. Is this not a major story for the media? It should be. But, because the Nobel Prize Committee has tainted my image with the media, I’m ignored by them. This is abusive, unfair, and cruel. The media are out to ruin my good name simply by ignoring the great things I’ve done and the great prizes I’ve awarded myself. I’ll stand for it no more. From this day forward, I’m declaring war on the media. They are fake. And, since they refuse to tout my greatness, everything they say and report about is fake.
I’ve got a letter in to Rudy Giuliani demanding that he stop talking smack to the media about Robert Mueller and start talking smack to them about how unfair they’re being to me. So far, he’s not responded to me. He’d better , or I’ll send a porcupine to his New York office to stick quills in his butt. My war on the media now joins my war on the Nobel Prize Committee, and it will continue unabated until I receive all the praise I’ve decided I deserve from both of them. It’s gonna get ugly around here, folks. So buckle up and enjoy the show. It’s gonna be one you’ll never forget. $Imperious Rex$
Well, it’s happened again. Another group of people has decided I can no longer belong to their “unique” club. This time it’s the Russian Oligarchs. The bastards. I mean, sure, I’m not Russian; I don’t speak Russian, hell, I’ve never even been anywhere near Russia, and I’m poorer than a church mouse, but SO WHAT!!! If you prick me, will I not bleed like a Russian Oligarch? If you insult me, in English cause I don’t speak Russian, will I not cry like a Russian Oligarch? If you give me tens of billions of dollars, will I not use it to greedily enrich myself and shower myself in gold, diamonds, and sexy babes like Russian Oligarchs do? Of course!
Just because I was never asked to join the Russian Oligarch club is no reason to kick me out of it. ENOUGH!! Until I’m reinstated into said club, I’m going to crank call every oligarch in Russia, their friends, their families, and even their pets until they cry into their bottles of high alcohol content vodka and beg me to stop. I hope they like their phones ringing at 3AM, because that’s when I’m gonna crank ’em. Get ready to never sleep again, you bigoted Russkies. You bastards have picked on the wrong American! (Don’t say I didn’t warn you).
I called Robert Mueller’s office this morning to make a plea agreement with him on the Trump/Russia case. The woman who answered the phone refused to let me talk to Mr. Mueller because I’m not in any way connected to Trump or anyone else involved in the case. After I swore at her and insulted her lineage, she hung up on me. I called back and told her if she continued to refuse to let me speak to Mueller I’d prank call her and all of her family every day for the next ten years. She hung up on me again and now, wait til you hear this, a cop just came to my door with a restraining order ordering me to never call Mueller’s office or this woman again. Unreal! The persecution I face every day for being a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner is sickening. I’m not going to let this rest. Believe you me, I’ll have my vengeance on Mueller for ignoring me and this woman for hanging up on me if it’s the last thing I ever do! I’m not sure yet how to go about it without getting arrested, but as soon as I figure something out, I’ll let everyone know. Until then, remember, it’s now summertime in Australia, so not all is bad.
1.) …. I crawled into your parents bedroom window late one night to introduce myself as your fiance.
2.) …. I delivered flowers to your 98-year-old grandmother at her nursing home on a sunny Summer day.
3.) …. I played Santa one Christmas at a downtown dept store.
4.) …. I applied for a job at the FBI building in New York in the middle of a blizzard a few years ago.
5.) …. I borrowed your sister’s bike to ride around town with for a few hours and not returning it til the police told me I had to.
6.) …. I showed up at your son’s Bar Mitzvah and asked if I could borrow some sugar.
7.) …. I got pulled over for speeding and had to tell the cops I’d left my wallet at home.
8.) …. I tried to hail a taxi in downtown Chicago at 4AM one winter night in ’97.
9.) …. I tried to file a sexual harassment complaint against my fellow KFC workers during spring break from my classes at Harvard one year.
10.) …. I showed up at a children’s birthday party in Chucky Cheese and demanded they give me a slice.
10.) British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it. Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.
9.) British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”. This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous. Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage? Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.
8.) British people drive on the wrong side of the road. Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous. If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.
7.) The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it. America would never do that. Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice. America is always nice.
6.) Brits call soccer “football”. Are you kidding me? This is insane! Soccer is NOT football. If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them. Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football. Crazy!
5.) In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity. This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society. If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice. Jesus is watching you, people.
4.) England is an island. America is a COUNTRY! Deal with it you British fools!
3.) British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms. Americans do. This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live. Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead. Brits can’t do that. That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.
2.) The Brits call french fries “chips”. Seriously? Are you f$$kin’ kidding me? A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”. Jesus! Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either. Just stick with salads. Hard to call those by the wrong name.
1.) Briton lost the Revolutionary War. We won it. Thus, America is superior to Briton. This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.