I called Robert Mueller’s office this morning to make a plea agreement with him on the Trump/Russia case. The woman who answered the phone refused to let me talk to Mr. Mueller because I’m not in any way connected to Trump or anyone else involved in the case. After I swore at her and insulted her lineage, she hung up on me. I called back and told her if she continued to refuse to let me speak to Mueller I’d prank call her and all of her family every day for the next ten years. She hung up on me again and now, wait til you hear this, a cop just came to my door with a restraining order ordering me to never call Mueller’s office or this woman again. Unreal! The persecution I face every day for being a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner is sickening. I’m not going to let this rest. Believe you me, I’ll have my vengeance on Mueller for ignoring me and this woman for hanging up on me if it’s the last thing I ever do! I’m not sure yet how to go about it without getting arrested, but as soon as I figure something out, I’ll let everyone know. Until then, remember, it’s now summertime in Australia, so not all is bad.
1.) …. I crawled into your parents bedroom window late one night to introduce myself as your fiance.
2.) …. I delivered flowers to your 98-year-old grandmother at her nursing home on a sunny Summer day.
3.) …. I played Santa one Christmas at a downtown dept store.
4.) …. I applied for a job at the FBI building in New York in the middle of a blizzard a few years ago.
5.) …. I borrowed your sister’s bike to ride around town with for a few hours and not returning it til the police told me I had to.
6.) …. I showed up at your son’s Bar Mitzvah and asked if I could borrow some sugar.
7.) …. I got pulled over for speeding and had to tell the cops I’d left my wallet at home.
8.) …. I tried to hail a taxi in downtown Chicago at 4AM one winter night in ’97.
9.) …. I tried to file a sexual harassment complaint against my fellow KFC workers during spring break from my classes at Harvard one year.
10.) …. I showed up at a children’s birthday party in Chucky Cheese and demanded they give me a slice.
10.) British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it. Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.
9.) British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”. This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous. Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage? Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.
8.) British people drive on the wrong side of the road. Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous. If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.
7.) The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it. America would never do that. Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice. America is always nice.
6.) Brits call soccer “football”. Are you kidding me? This is insane! Soccer is NOT football. If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them. Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football. Crazy!
5.) In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity. This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society. If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice. Jesus is watching you, people.
4.) England is an island. America is a COUNTRY! Deal with it you British fools!
3.) British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms. Americans do. This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live. Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead. Brits can’t do that. That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.
2.) The Brits call french fries “chips”. Seriously? Are you f$$kin’ kidding me? A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”. Jesus! Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either. Just stick with salads. Hard to call those by the wrong name.
1.) Briton lost the Revolutionary War. We won it. Thus, America is superior to Briton. This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.
Chicago, Illinois. The world-famous blog, The Arm Chair Pontificator, was awarded its second Nobel Prize in four years by its creator and writer, Inspiredbythedivine1, earlier today. “I deserve this award,” Mr. Inspired said to himself this morning, “because everything I think or write about is always completely and inerrantly correct. How many other bloggers can make this claim? None, I tell you, none! Thus, I’ve awarded myself another Nobel Prize. I’ve emailed the Nobel Committee of this occurrence and expect them to send me my award any moment now. If they refuse to do this, like they refused to send me the last award I gave myself several years ago, I will prank call their children, their parents, and their pets until I bend them to my will with the pure intimidation of it all. I want to thank all of the 6 billion readers of my blog for supporting me, and it, over these past few years. It is not easy making up silly shit off the top of my head 3 or 4 times a month, but knowing you’re out there, reading what I write and having it enrich your lives far more than anything else you may have in them, makes it all worthwhile. Thanks again to all of my fans, and remember, a note or a call to a Nobel Prize Committee member threatening to flay them alive if they refuse to recognize me for this award, would be greatly appreciated.”
1.) I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.
2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.
3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.
4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.
5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.
1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.
2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.
3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.
4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.
5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.
6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.
7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.
8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.
9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.
10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.
Never in history has a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner been more persecuted than I. For four years now the Nobel Prize Committee has outright refused to acknowledge my self-awarded prize. They turn me away when I drop by their homes unannounced, and they threaten me with legal action when I run naked through their children’s schools carrying a sign that reads, “Fuck The Nobel Prize Committee And Their Kids!”
They’ve now stepped up their game of intimidation against me by sending drones to spy on me. It was bad enough when they asked the FBI to appoint a special prosecutor to look into my repeated prank phone calls to Committee members and their families, but sending spy drones to follow me day and night is something I simply will not sit still for. Until the Committee stops this harassment of me and recognizes my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I will make it my life’s duty to have pizza’s delivered to their homes that they didn’t order and whine like a spoiled brat to the media about how awful they are to me every chance I get. This IS going end, you stinking bastards, and it’s going to end with me getting the recognition from you I deserve. You can count on it!
Well, on second thought, maybe it won’t work out. But that’s OK because, if it doesn’t, I can always become POTUS. Americans will elect anyone these days.