1.) I attempted to collude with Russia to become Mayor of Chicago, but, since Putin did not return my phone calls, it didn’t pan out.
2.) I tried to have conjugal visits with several women in the Cook County prison system, but, since none of them knew who I was, it didn’t pan out.
3.) I auditioned to become an internet porn star, but, because I refused to remove my clothes, it didn’t pan out.
4.) I tried to set a record time of 43 minutes in a local marathon, but, because I did the course in my car, it didn’t pan out.
5.) I attempted to become the first Jewish, Asian, Pope in the history of the Catholic Church, but, because I’m not Jewish, Asian, or a Catholic, it didn’t pan out.
1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.
2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.
3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.
4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.
5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.
6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.
7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.
8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.
9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.
10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.
These Bastards Are On A Witch Hunt To Discredit My Self-Awarded Nobel Prize
Never in history has a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner been more persecuted than I. For four years now the Nobel Prize Committee has outright refused to acknowledge my self-awarded prize. They turn me away when I drop by their homes unannounced, and they threaten me with legal action when I run naked through their children’s schools carrying a sign that reads, “Fuck The Nobel Prize Committee And Their Kids!”
They’ve now stepped up their game of intimidation against me by sending drones to spy on me. It was bad enough when they asked the FBI to appoint a special prosecutor to look into my repeated prank phone calls to Committee members and their families, but sending spy drones to follow me day and night is something I simply will not sit still for. Until the Committee stops this harassment of me and recognizes my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I will make it my life’s duty to have pizza’s delivered to their homes that they didn’t order and whine like a spoiled brat to the media about how awful they are to me every chance I get. This IS going end, you stinking bastards, and it’s going to end with me getting the recognition from you I deserve. You can count on it!
Well, on second thought, maybe it won’t work out. But that’s OK because, if it doesn’t, I can always become POTUS. Americans will elect anyone these days.
Artist’s Rendering Of Me Practicing Ballet, Circa 1995
1.) Ask a woman out on a date for the first time.
2.) Walk into a gas station to ask for directions.
3.) Juggle 5 cats at the same time.
4.) Go into a biker bar and yell out,” You’re all a bunch of sissies!”
5.) Deliver pizza to a 5 year old’s birthday party.
6.) Work as a CNA in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients.
7.) Tell the cop who just pulled me over, “Look, I don’t have my license on me cause I’m not wearing any clothes!”
8.) Ride a horse through the city in a snow storm.
9.) Sunbathe next to a convent filled with horny nuns.
10.) Jump on a trampoline in school yard full of children.
This Dude Was Sent To Kill Me
I’ve not been able to post this week because the Nobel Prize Committee has sent several ninjas and assassins to kill me. Thus, I’ve been hiding out in the woods of Michigan with some pizza, some beer, and a few comic books. I sent boxes of live fire ants to each member of the Nobel Committee because they continually refuse to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize. Apparently, they did not like being bitten by the fire ants I sent them, so they hired professionals to kill me. Once this blows over, which hopefully will be any day now cause I’m running outta pizza and beer, I’ll post regularly again. Thanks for reading, and please, if you see any ninjas or assassins, don’t tell them where I am.
I Tried This Once, But The Rock Rolled Back Over Me And I Spent 3 Weeks In Hospital
1.) I’ve been trying to get a divorce, but since I’m not married, I’m finding it hard to do.
2.) I’m trying to become mayor of a small town in Mexico, any small Mexican town will do, but since I don’t speak Spanish, I’m finding it difficult to do.
3.) I’m trying to build a particle accelerator in my studio apartment, but I’m finding it hard to do because I don’t have enough room.
4.) I’m trying to start a career as a porn star by touting myself as The Stud With The 15″ Penis, but since my penis is only 5 and one half inches, I’m finding it difficult to do.
5.) I’m trying to come up with ten of these but I’m finding it hard to do, so I’ll end here.
Here are 10 things I’ve learned recently.
1.) I do not have the power of 50 men in my right arm.
2.) I should not jump off garage roofs for fun.
3.) Skunks do not like to be cuddled.
4.) Placing one’s hand into a mound of fire ants has very painful consequences.
5.) Tequila is not for snorting.
6.) Women do not find it sexy that I can eat 12 jelly donuts at once.
7.) A good way to lose friends is by putting tiger balm in their jocks.
8.) Spitting cobras are not good pets for the elderly.
9.) Calling large, muscular dudes in the gym sissy-boys is a bad idea.
10.) Riding horses naked through large metropolitan areas in subzero weather impresses no one.