Christian Math

Bible Mathematics

I find Christian math to be strikingly lacking in verisimilitude.  Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Because 3 does not equal one. If I go to a store and wish to purchase 3 lollipops for .50 cents each, I expect my total cost for the lollipops to be $1.50.  However, to a card-carrying Christian, they would expect to pay only .50 cents for the 3 lollipops because, in their universe, 3 equals one. Christians proudly state theirs is a monotheistic religion, even though it really isn’t. They insist the 3 individual gods they worship are, in reality, just one god. They claim their all-powerful, tax exempt faith makes this true. It doesn’t. 3 lollipops are 3 lollipops. Never are 3 lollipops 1 lollipop, no matter how strongly one’s faith may say otherwise. To prove this point, I recently went to a 7/11 store and held 3 lollipops in my hand. I stared at them until I developed a very powerful faith that the 3 lollipops were just 1, and then I went to the cashier to pay for them. The cashier rang me up, and told me I owed 1.50 for the 3 lollipops because they were .50 cents each. My faith was unshaken by this, however, and I placed .50 cents on the counter and proceeded to walk toward the front door of the store. Before I could reach it, the cashier grabbed my arm and told me I owed him a dollar more because I was taking 3 lollipops and not just one. “No,” I told him,”I’m taking only one lollipop. Like the Christian god,” I continued, “the three lollipops in my hand are, in reality, just one lollipop in 3 parts. Thus, I’m paying only .50 cents.”

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

Surprisingly, the clerk did not believe me. I tried hard to make him share my faith that 3 equals one, but he would not budge on his belief that I had 3 lollipops in my hand and not one. I needed to pay for all of them or put 2 back, he said. My new-found faith was then totally shattered when he said he’d call the cops if I left with all three without paying for them. So, I’m now a firm believer that 3 does not equal one, no matter how strongly one wishes to believe otherwise. Christians are polytheists; their math is ridiculous, and it will get you into trouble if you use it in the real world. So don’t. $Amen$

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23 thoughts on “Christian Math

  1. What does the Holy Ghost do besides get virgins pregnant? And isn’t that a form of rape? OK, say she consented; she was married at the time, that’s adultery! Why wasn’t Mary stoned? I’m so confused….

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  2. I’ve only recently been enlightened to the point that the whole trireme theme adopted by 3/4th Century Christian script writers seems to have been lifted from Plato and his three elements of the human soul.

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    • How dare you accuse the bible writers of plagiarism! If there were a Hell, you’d burn in it! check out the Hercules myth sometime to see just how much of that resembles the Jesus myth. And I’m convinced that Yahweh is a watered down version of Zeus. He’s just as big of an asshole too.

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    • In the Ugarit pantheon, YHWH was just one of El’s 70 children. He got an upgrade, and married his mother.

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    • Well, I suppose his choices were limited back in the day. Amazing how much of the christian myth is borrowed from other myths. In Catholic school, no one ever thought to mention it. What they’d say is god paved the way for his true reveal by letting people worship false shit until it was time for the truth which was Jesus, or some shit like that. Yeah. Right.

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  3. Ah, the Trinity! If the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are one-in-the-same, then how could God give birth to himself? And, who is that Holy Spirit character anyway? Trying to figure him out in Catholic school used to give me headaches and nightmares. Come to think of it, maybe that was the point!

    I heard the Pope addressed my fellow Italians today from St. Peter’s Basilica:

    POPE: “In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti…”

    CROWD: [cheers]

    POPE: “Hey, all of you wops… get off of my lawn!”

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    • Nice. Yeah. The Holy Spirit is really a sorry-ass excuse for a god. He kinda rides the coat tails of the big two. He’d be an utter failure as a single deity. Imagine him as the Islamic god: “There is no god but the Holy Spirit, and even Mohammad can’t quite figure out why.”

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  4. There is a book read recently that actually they are 4 gods or five depending on how you feel about Mary. They have god the father, son, holy spirit and the powerful devil. If you are Catholic you can include Mary to the least and have a pentagon of gods.

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  5. Even god knows you can’t make sense of christianity… why did you try?

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  6. 3 plus a host of angels for small change! Monotheism they call it!

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  7. Reblogged this on The Daily Pause and commented:
    You are correct, TACP! I’ve observed bard on your lollipop example that three does NOT equal one. However, for those of another dimension, the concept of the Singularity is always valid for Christians.

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