Santa Joins The Tea Party Then Fires Half His Staff

In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America.  He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated.  President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that.  It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did.  It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.

So I'm A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

So I’m A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping.  Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too.  Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas.  Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing.  People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’  Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich!  God bless America! I fucking love you!”

Flush Toilets Invented By Aliens

An Obvious Alien Invention

An Alien Invention

In stunning news today, Betty Fibber, co-founder of the Conspiracy Party of America, announced that the flush toilet, as many had suspected, was indeed invented by aliens from another world. “As anyone with an I.Q. over ten can tell you,” Ms. Fibber stated, “the mechanism behind how flush toilets actually FLUSH is far beyond the capabilities of humans to comprehend. Thus, the only logical conclusion to be made is that they were created by aliens from outer space. For years now, my organization, the Conspiracy Party of America, has been working relentlessly to find some shred of believable, tangible evidence to prove this undeniable fact. Fortunately, we haven’t found it. I say fortunately because, as any conspiracy expert can tell you, the best evidence for the validity of an extraordinary claim is that there is no evidence for it at all. For example, how do we REALLY know space aliens built the pyramids? Because there isn’t a shred of tangible evidence they did. As well, how do we REALLY know George W. Bush ordered the attacks on 9/11 and murdered, in cold blood, over 3000 of his own citizens?  Because there isn’t a shred of evidence suggesting he did, or even could, carry out such a feat. That’s how.

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

No evidence IS evidence. Evidence that extraordinary explanations for real world events are not only true but that they are meticulously, and perfectly covered up by very powerful organizations that lurk in the shadows of our world just outside the reach of any proof they’re actually there. Thus, it is obvious to anyone aware of the REAL truth that is out there, that flush toilets were invented by a highly advanced alien race. Humans are just too bloody dumb to have done it themselves.”

Drone Accidently Bombs George W. Bush

Obama Crying Over Drone Bombing Of Bush

I’m So Sorry, George

A tearful Barrack Obama reported this morning that a drone he dispatched last night to bomb a terrorist training facility in Montreal, Canada mistakenly bombed George W. Bush in Texas instead. “I feel just horrible about this,” a distraught President Obama said. “We knew something was odd when the drone reported its payload had been delivered just three minutes after it left the Texas Air Force base it launched from. All we can determine so far is that one or more of the drone’s programmers must have heard me bitching the other day that I wished all conservative assholes like Bush could be eliminated and thought I really meant it. I promise we will continue to look into this matter until we find all those responsible for it. I also apologize to President Bush’s family for this terrible inconvenience. Lastly, I wish to alleviate the worries Governor Perry expressed to me just minutes ago by firmly stating no drone will ever bomb anyone or anything in Texas again as long as I’m president.”

TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Part 3

Scene: Early morning in Scrooge’s living room. Scrooge is seated on a recliner reading a copy of Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”  The Ghost of Christmas Present, played by George W. Bush, slowly comes crawling out from under a big couch holding a decimated french fry. Scrooge looks up from his book just as the Ghost stands up.

I'm Better Than You Because God Wants It That Way

I Know I’m Better Than You Because God Said So

Ghost: Well I’ll be a liberal’s gay uncle! All I found under there was a fry! I was told you had WMD’s hidden under there by The Ghost of Christmas Past. Guess I should’ve verified that before I went snooping around under another man’s couch.  Oh well, live and learn, eh? How are you Mr. Scrooge?

Scrooge: Not happy! Haven’t you ghosts ever heard of a damn door?  First the window entrance, and now this. And the only WMD I have here is the Bible, which gives me the moral justification to condemn and judge others as I deem fit. That, my friend, is a powerful weapon when combined with great wealth, a lack of empathy toward others, being male, and the blessing of having lily-white skin covering your bones.

Ghost: You have a point there, but, I’m here to see if there is any humanity left inside that crusty, nasty, shriveled  heart of yours. So, take my hand as I take you to neighborhoods and cities around the world where people are hungry, sick, and have no access to medical care.

Scrooge: OK, I’ll go, but if it’s a donation to some charity your after you can fuck yourself.  Prayer is all the poor need. That and to not to be so fucking poor all the time.

[A musical montage follows with Scrooge and the Ghost visiting about 75-80% of the places on our planet where humans live. Poor, sick, and starving children are seen as John Williams theme to “Superman” plays (That’s the only music I could get the rights to for this movie, so piss off if you don’t think it fits.) The music then slowly fades as the two characters return to Scrooge’s living room.]

Ghost: Well, Mr. Scrooge, how do you feel now about the state of the world and the people in it?

You Are One Hard As Stone SOB, Scrooge

You Are One Hard As Stone SOB, Scrooge

Scrooge: I have to take a massive piss, that’s how I feel. I had to since we were flying over Hong Kong but you were too damn busy pointing out poor people to pay any attention to me.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pee, pray, then read more of Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”  It’s helping me get better at smiling while I’m telling everyone that God favors me with money and privilege just because he likes me more than them.

Ghost: Wow. You are a friggin’ stone, sir, a real solid piece of emotional granite. Hopefully, the Ghost of Christmases Yet to Come can scare some empathy into you. He’s excellent at doing that.  He’ll be here tomorrow sometime.

Scrooge: Just tell him to use the god damn door when he gets here, alright?!

End scene 3.  To be continued.

TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Continues

Hi Y'all! I'm The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Hi Y’all! I’m The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Here is more of the script to TACP’s production of  “A Christmas Carol”.   Left out of the credits by accident on the last post was that George W Bush is playing The Ghost of Christmas Present, and an Academy Award for sheer genius is all but signed, sealed, and delivered for this tear jerking, and poignant production.

Scene Two: Scrooge has been taken to the past by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  They are sitting in the back of an Evangelical Church listening to a preacher, played by Mitt Romney in the film,  pontificate on the meaning of Christmas to an 8-year-old Scrooge who listens spellbound to him after having asked the Preacher why Christmas is important.

Preacher: And, my son, it is without question that YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOREVER should you even THINK of questioning what I tell you.  JEESSUUSSS was born today because UUUUUUU!! were born EVIIIILLLL and full of SATAN! You are SOOOOO evil, my young doe-eyed 8-year-old boy, that Jesuuuss will have to be grotesquely tortured for an entire day, then be nailed to a cross, where he’ll suffer inexplicable agony for three hours before dying, in order for your dark, sick soul to have a chance at salvation. That is how sick and evil YOU are.  Hope that answers your question, son.  Have a Merry Christmas, Ebenezer. And say hello to your folks for me, OK?  [ The young boy walks out of frame with his head down and we cut to a close up on old Scrooge].

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Scrooge: I thought Romney was a Mormon. What’s he doing playing a real Christian?

Ghost: That isn’t the point here, Mr. Scrooge. Didn’t you get the blatant, beat you over the head message of what you just witnessed?

Scrooge: That I was a smart ass kid who asked questions of his elders he should’ve already known the answers to?

Ghost: Man, this is gonna be harder than winning my second term in office was.  You are a tough nut to crack, sir.

Scrooge: Did you just call me a cracker?!

Ghost: Oh, cut it out, will you, already! Come on, Scrooge. Take my hand. I’m taking you back to the present.  Maybe my friend, The Ghost of Christmas Present, will have better luck getting through to you and helping you become less of a dick.

Scrooge:  Since I HAVE to hold your hand, I hope you don’t mind if I wear a mitten. [Scrooge pulls an enormous mitten out of his pocket and places it on his hand before taking the Ghost’s hand. The two then blink out of frame and we go to black.]

End scene two.  More to come.