Tag Archives: Christmas Carol

12.24.14
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Pat Robertson Is Scrooge In TACP’s Production Of “A Christmas Carol”

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

TACP is very proud to present: “A Christmas Carol,” with Pat Robertson as Scrooge, Barack Obama as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and the ghost of Christopher Hitchens as The Ghost of Christmases yet to come. The film opens on Christmas Eve. Get your tickets early, cause this movie is gonna rock! Brief scenes from the script by Quintin Tarantino will be presented on an ongoing basis right here to whet your appetite for the movie. The film was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Lars Von Trier and features a sound track by John Williams.

Scene one: Scrooge’s bedroom, dusk. Scrooge is tossing darts at a dart board with the words “Obama Care” written in the bull’s-eye.  The Ghost of Christmas Past enters by crawling through an open window, startling Scrooge.

BOO! I'm The ghost Of Christmas Past!

BOO! I’m The ghost Of Christmas Past!

Scrooge: What in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, do you think you’re doing crawling into my house, black person? One call and your humbug butt gets arrested; then found guilty, and then executed for being a black man who crawled into a white man’s house through the window.

Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you how past Christmases have helped turn you into the grouchy-ass racist mother fucker you are today, Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: Racist? I’m not racist. Two of my septic tank cleaners are black, and another is an illegal alien who I pay a whopping 15 cents a day to. Humbug, I say! Humbug!  I’m about as progressive as you can get after surpassing a certain tax bracket. I’m conservative, a Tea Party member, a Christian, white, and rich.  You, know, a real American.

Ghost: Believe me, sir, you are far from being progressive on anything.  Now, take my hand and I’ll transport you back to earlier Christmases so you can see how the mother fucker you are today was formed.

Scrooge: Hand? I have to touch you to do this? But you’re black. I might catch something.  Have you done this before?

Ghost: Just take my fucking hand before I kick your old white ass all over the damn room.

Scrooge takes the Ghost’s hand and we fade to black.

End of part one.

12.01.13
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TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Continues

Hi Y'all! I'm The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Hi Y’all! I’m The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Here is more of the script to TACP’s production of  “A Christmas Carol”.   Left out of the credits by accident on the last post was that George W Bush is playing The Ghost of Christmas Present, and an Academy Award for sheer genius is all but signed, sealed, and delivered for this tear jerking, and poignant production.

Scene Two: Scrooge has been taken to the past by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  They are sitting in the back of an Evangelical Church listening to a preacher, played by Mitt Romney in the film,  pontificate on the meaning of Christmas to an 8-year-old Scrooge who listens spellbound to him after having asked the Preacher why Christmas is important.

Preacher: And, my son, it is without question that YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOREVER should you even THINK of questioning what I tell you.  JEESSUUSSS was born today because UUUUUUU!! were born EVIIIILLLL and full of SATAN! You are SOOOOO evil, my young doe-eyed 8-year-old boy, that Jesuuuss will have to be grotesquely tortured for an entire day, then be nailed to a cross, where he’ll suffer inexplicable agony for three hours before dying, in order for your dark, sick soul to have a chance at salvation. That is how sick and evil YOU are.  Hope that answers your question, son.  Have a Merry Christmas, Ebenezer. And say hello to your folks for me, OK?  [ The young boy walks out of frame with his head down and we cut to a close up on old Scrooge].

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Scrooge: I thought Romney was a Mormon. What’s he doing playing a real Christian?

Ghost: That isn’t the point here, Mr. Scrooge. Didn’t you get the blatant, beat you over the head message of what you just witnessed?

Scrooge: That I was a smart ass kid who asked questions of his elders he should’ve already known the answers to?

Ghost: Man, this is gonna be harder than winning my second term in office was.  You are a tough nut to crack, sir.

Scrooge: Did you just call me a cracker?!

Ghost: Oh, cut it out, will you, already! Come on, Scrooge. Take my hand. I’m taking you back to the present.  Maybe my friend, The Ghost of Christmas Present, will have better luck getting through to you and helping you become less of a dick.

Scrooge:  Since I HAVE to hold your hand, I hope you don’t mind if I wear a mitten. [Scrooge pulls an enormous mitten out of his pocket and places it on his hand before taking the Ghost’s hand. The two then blink out of frame and we go to black.]

End scene two.  More to come.