Pat Robertson Is Scrooge In TACP’s Production Of “A Christmas Carol”

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

TACP is very proud to present: “A Christmas Carol,” with Pat Robertson as Scrooge, Barack Obama as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and the ghost of Christopher Hitchens as The Ghost of Christmases yet to come. The film opens on Christmas Eve. Get your tickets early, cause this movie is gonna rock! Brief scenes from the script by Quintin Tarantino will be presented on an ongoing basis right here to whet your appetite for the movie. The film was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Lars Von Trier and features a sound track by John Williams.

Scene one: Scrooge’s bedroom, dusk. Scrooge is tossing darts at a dart board with the words “Obama Care” written in the bull’s-eye.  The Ghost of Christmas Past enters by crawling through an open window, startling Scrooge.

BOO! I'm The ghost Of Christmas Past!

BOO! I’m The ghost Of Christmas Past!

Scrooge: What in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, do you think you’re doing crawling into my house, black person? One call and your humbug butt gets arrested; then found guilty, and then executed for being a black man who crawled into a white man’s house through the window.

Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you how past Christmases have helped turn you into the grouchy-ass racist mother fucker you are today, Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: Racist? I’m not racist. Two of my septic tank cleaners are black, and another is an illegal alien who I pay a whopping 15 cents a day to. Humbug, I say! Humbug!  I’m about as progressive as you can get after surpassing a certain tax bracket. I’m conservative, a Tea Party member, a Christian, white, and rich.  You, know, a real American.

Ghost: Believe me, sir, you are far from being progressive on anything.  Now, take my hand and I’ll transport you back to earlier Christmases so you can see how the mother fucker you are today was formed.

Scrooge: Hand? I have to touch you to do this? But you’re black. I might catch something.  Have you done this before?

Ghost: Just take my fucking hand before I kick your old white ass all over the damn room.

Scrooge takes the Ghost’s hand and we fade to black.

End of part one.

The Final Chapter Of TACP’s “A Christmas Carol”

Scene: Far in Earth’s future.  Scrooge is walking through a desert wasteland talking to The Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come, who’s played, ironically, by the ghost of anti-theist Christopher Hitchens.  They come upon a large rock and sit, facing each other.

A-theist Ghost Of Christmases Yet To Come

A-theist Ghost Of Christmases Yet To Come

Scrooge: So what you’re saying is, now let me see I’ve got this right, you used to believe any concept of an afterlife was hog wash and totally untrue until one day you died and woke up as a ghost who takes sons of a bitches like me on tours of the future in order to knock empathy for others into them?

Ghost: Yep. That’s about the gist of it.  How I’m doing so far?

Scrooge: You’ve got my attention.  That’s for sure.  But I don’t see how I’m responsible for the world being over run with, what did you call them, Sand People just because I’m self-absorbed and don’t care about the poor, the environment, or any religion besides the real one, Christianity.  What did I do to the world?

Ghost: First of all, let’s be clear on one thing: Christianity and gods in general are nonsense and untrue.  Don’t let the fact that I died and came back as a ghost for one minute lead you to forget I am an anti-theist and think the world would be far better off without religion of any kind.  My “ghost-hood,” if you will, is a scientific phenomenon for which no explanation yet exists, as is my time traveling ability.  But in time, science will have the answers to how these things are possible. You can bank on it.  Now, let’s discuss why we’re here.  The world turns into a piece of barren shit because you, Mr. Scrooge, invest in a giant worm hole making device which supposedly can pull gold dust out of interstellar space by the tons.  You and a few other grouchy rich white guys spend billions financing the device, but when it comes on for the first time it doesn’t bring gold from space, it brings Sand People from Tatooine by the millions, and they take over the planet.  Your greed not only ends future Christmases, Mr. Scrooge, it ends life on Earth as we know it.

A Future Where The Sand People Have Taken Over The Earth

A Future Where The Sand People Have Taken Over The Earth

OK, I'm Sorry.  See, I'm Crying!

OK, I’m Sorry. See, I’m Crying!

Scrooge: Well, then, why didn’t you say that in the first place?!  No one’s perfect, you know?  So I’m sorry, sniffle, sniffle, for almost ruining the planet, OK?  Now can I please go back to my time and my home? “The Voice” is on soon and I don’t want to miss it.  And I promise not to invest in any wormhole making machines, but I’m still gonna be a grouchy old prick because, well, that’s just who I am.

Ghost: OK then, Mr. Scrooge, off we go.  Can’t say I changed you very much, but at least the world will be Sand People free in the future.  Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge. Merry Christmas.

Scrooge: And a Bah! Humbug Christmas to you, Ghost. Bah, Humbug!

The end.

TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Part 3

Scene: Early morning in Scrooge’s living room. Scrooge is seated on a recliner reading a copy of Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”  The Ghost of Christmas Present, played by George W. Bush, slowly comes crawling out from under a big couch holding a decimated french fry. Scrooge looks up from his book just as the Ghost stands up.

I'm Better Than You Because God Wants It That Way

I Know I’m Better Than You Because God Said So

Ghost: Well I’ll be a liberal’s gay uncle! All I found under there was a fry! I was told you had WMD’s hidden under there by The Ghost of Christmas Past. Guess I should’ve verified that before I went snooping around under another man’s couch.  Oh well, live and learn, eh? How are you Mr. Scrooge?

Scrooge: Not happy! Haven’t you ghosts ever heard of a damn door?  First the window entrance, and now this. And the only WMD I have here is the Bible, which gives me the moral justification to condemn and judge others as I deem fit. That, my friend, is a powerful weapon when combined with great wealth, a lack of empathy toward others, being male, and the blessing of having lily-white skin covering your bones.

Ghost: You have a point there, but, I’m here to see if there is any humanity left inside that crusty, nasty, shriveled  heart of yours. So, take my hand as I take you to neighborhoods and cities around the world where people are hungry, sick, and have no access to medical care.

Scrooge: OK, I’ll go, but if it’s a donation to some charity your after you can fuck yourself.  Prayer is all the poor need. That and to not to be so fucking poor all the time.

[A musical montage follows with Scrooge and the Ghost visiting about 75-80% of the places on our planet where humans live. Poor, sick, and starving children are seen as John Williams theme to “Superman” plays (That’s the only music I could get the rights to for this movie, so piss off if you don’t think it fits.) The music then slowly fades as the two characters return to Scrooge’s living room.]

Ghost: Well, Mr. Scrooge, how do you feel now about the state of the world and the people in it?

You Are One Hard As Stone SOB, Scrooge

You Are One Hard As Stone SOB, Scrooge

Scrooge: I have to take a massive piss, that’s how I feel. I had to since we were flying over Hong Kong but you were too damn busy pointing out poor people to pay any attention to me.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pee, pray, then read more of Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”  It’s helping me get better at smiling while I’m telling everyone that God favors me with money and privilege just because he likes me more than them.

Ghost: Wow. You are a friggin’ stone, sir, a real solid piece of emotional granite. Hopefully, the Ghost of Christmases Yet to Come can scare some empathy into you. He’s excellent at doing that.  He’ll be here tomorrow sometime.

Scrooge: Just tell him to use the god damn door when he gets here, alright?!

End scene 3.  To be continued.

TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Continues

Hi Y'all! I'm The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Hi Y’all! I’m The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Here is more of the script to TACP’s production of  “A Christmas Carol”.   Left out of the credits by accident on the last post was that George W Bush is playing The Ghost of Christmas Present, and an Academy Award for sheer genius is all but signed, sealed, and delivered for this tear jerking, and poignant production.

Scene Two: Scrooge has been taken to the past by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  They are sitting in the back of an Evangelical Church listening to a preacher, played by Mitt Romney in the film,  pontificate on the meaning of Christmas to an 8-year-old Scrooge who listens spellbound to him after having asked the Preacher why Christmas is important.

Preacher: And, my son, it is without question that YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOREVER should you even THINK of questioning what I tell you.  JEESSUUSSS was born today because UUUUUUU!! were born EVIIIILLLL and full of SATAN! You are SOOOOO evil, my young doe-eyed 8-year-old boy, that Jesuuuss will have to be grotesquely tortured for an entire day, then be nailed to a cross, where he’ll suffer inexplicable agony for three hours before dying, in order for your dark, sick soul to have a chance at salvation. That is how sick and evil YOU are.  Hope that answers your question, son.  Have a Merry Christmas, Ebenezer. And say hello to your folks for me, OK?  [ The young boy walks out of frame with his head down and we cut to a close up on old Scrooge].

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Scrooge: I thought Romney was a Mormon. What’s he doing playing a real Christian?

Ghost: That isn’t the point here, Mr. Scrooge. Didn’t you get the blatant, beat you over the head message of what you just witnessed?

Scrooge: That I was a smart ass kid who asked questions of his elders he should’ve already known the answers to?

Ghost: Man, this is gonna be harder than winning my second term in office was.  You are a tough nut to crack, sir.

Scrooge: Did you just call me a cracker?!

Ghost: Oh, cut it out, will you, already! Come on, Scrooge. Take my hand. I’m taking you back to the present.  Maybe my friend, The Ghost of Christmas Present, will have better luck getting through to you and helping you become less of a dick.

Scrooge:  Since I HAVE to hold your hand, I hope you don’t mind if I wear a mitten. [Scrooge pulls an enormous mitten out of his pocket and places it on his hand before taking the Ghost’s hand. The two then blink out of frame and we go to black.]

End scene two.  More to come.