The Tea Party announced today they’ve created a new product which is guaranteed to keep you, and your loved ones, safe from the pestilence of liberals forever. “Many of us in the Tea Party have grown weary of pointy nosed liberals poisoning our wells, eating our children, and voting in our elections,” said Tea Party member and former Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.
“The Tea Party pulled together its vast resources and paid millions to Igor Flopdick, a former KGB agent who specializes in unique ‘pest’ elimination problems, to create Liberal Away for us. He did not disappoint. Liberal Away kills liberals on contact, yet remains completely harmless to Conservatives and Tea Party members. It is a new type of smart poison that, once sprayed, drifts in the air, harmlessly, until it comes into contact with a liberal. Once it does, he or she has less than 3 minutes to live. Thanks to the efforts of Mr.Flopdick, and the Tea Party, we now have an effective way to keep our children, our pets, and our elderly safe from the stench and filth of liberals forever. Amen to that I say. Amen to that.”
Mitt Romney released a statement today saying his disappointment over having lost the last Presidential Election to Barrack Obama has finally been washed away. The Mormon Church has granted him the title of “God” and has presented him with his very own planet to lord over. “I can not tell you how happy I am to be God,” said Lord Romney. “I mean it FUCKIN’ ROCKS PEOPLE!!! I truly love the Mormons. What other male dominated religion out there offers men such an awesome fringe benefit for practicing it? I’m not sure where my planet is yet, but I’m heading there in an hour. I’ve been told it’s about 6000 light years from Earth, so in all likelihood I’ll never be back.
I’ll miss some stuff perhaps, but my over-whelming sense of omnipotent power is quickly wiping away any sense of loss I’m experiencing from leaving.” Lord Mitt could not be reached for further comment on this exciting announcement. The photos shown here, of the new God and his planet, were released about an hour ago by The Mormon Church’s publicity dept.
Forgot to do this earlier in the week, but I predicted last year that this would happen, so it simply adds to my confirmation bias that I’m an infallible genius because I said so. Anyway, I am an excellent psychic because I am a man of Faith. The one true Faith: Mine. Here are my predictions for 2014 which will happen, and if they don’t, I’ll say they did anyway and those who doubt me will be dubbed Faithless, a-theist bastards. And all Faithless, a-theist bastards will be burned at the stake for doubting me. Faith, my friends, is all you need.
The President will chastise the Nobel Prize Committee for not yet awarding me my Nobel Prize. He will then give me my own drone to intimidate them with until they do.
Ken Ham will kick Bill Nye’s ass during their debate forcing the ghost of Christopher Hitchens to return from the dead and drag Ken Ham back with him into Hell.
PZ Myers will be outed as a clown school drop out who’s only major accomplishment in life was to learn his ABC’s correctly way back in the 1st grade.
Tea Party members will continue to be rich, white, Christian, and irritating. However, those in the party owning guns, will all accidentally shoot themselves in the right foot during a routine barrel cleaning and proclaim, “Good God! Liberals have rigged my weapon to attack me somehow!”
Man-induced global warming will continue to increase until new strands of flesh-eating bacteria all but wipe out humanity. This will induce Republicans to proclaim,” Good God! Liberals have created new strands of flesh-eating bacteria and released them on us!”
Mitt Romney will still be pissed off about the election he lost to a black man.
Little boy Catholic priest rapists will be accused of embezzling funds from the Vatican bank prompting authorities to finally admit there is a definite problem in the Catholic Church with little boy priest rapists.
Sarah Palin will be abducted by a Yeti in Alaska and disappear for 9 months. When found, it will be learned she has become the proud mother of Yeti twins, a boy and a girl.
Jesus will return to Earth and slap the shit out of Christian religious leaders; he’ll then return to Heaven without once having uttered a single word.
Theology will be banned as an academic study and those seeking to study it will be placed in an empty, pitch-black room and told if they can find the raccoon in it, they can get some candy and go to heaven.
Here is more of the script to TACP’s production of “A Christmas Carol”. Left out of the credits by accident on the last post was that George W Bush is playing The Ghost of Christmas Present, and an Academy Award for sheer genius is all but signed, sealed, and delivered for this tear jerking, and poignant production.
Scene Two: Scrooge has been taken to the past by the Ghost of Christmas Past. They are sitting in the back of an Evangelical Church listening to a preacher, played by Mitt Romney in the film, pontificate on the meaning of Christmas to an 8-year-old Scrooge who listens spellbound to him after having asked the Preacher why Christmas is important.
Preacher: And, my son, it is without question that YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOREVER should you even THINK of questioning what I tell you. JEESSUUSSS was born today because UUUUUUU!! were born EVIIIILLLL and full of SATAN! You are SOOOOO evil, my young doe-eyed 8-year-old boy, that Jesuuuss will have to be grotesquely tortured for an entire day, then be nailed to a cross, where he’ll suffer inexplicable agony for three hours before dying, in order for your dark, sick soul to have a chance at salvation. That is how sick and evil YOU are. Hope that answers your question, son. Have a Merry Christmas, Ebenezer. And say hello to your folks for me, OK? [ The young boy walks out of frame with his head down and we cut to a close up on old Scrooge].
Scrooge: I thought Romney was a Mormon. What’s he doing playing a real Christian?
Ghost: That isn’t the point here, Mr. Scrooge. Didn’t you get the blatant, beat you over the head message of what you just witnessed?
Scrooge: That I was a smart ass kid who asked questions of his elders he should’ve already known the answers to?
Ghost: Man, this is gonna be harder than winning my second term in office was. You are a tough nut to crack, sir.
Scrooge: Did you just call me a cracker?!
Ghost: Oh, cut it out, will you, already! Come on, Scrooge. Take my hand. I’m taking you back to the present. Maybe my friend, The Ghost of Christmas Present, will have better luck getting through to you and helping you become less of a dick.
Scrooge: Since I HAVE to hold your hand, I hope you don’t mind if I wear a mitten. [Scrooge pulls an enormous mitten out of his pocket and places it on his hand before taking the Ghost’s hand. The two then blink out of frame and we go to black.]
End scene two. More to come.
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