Scene: Far in Earth’s future. Scrooge is walking through a desert wasteland talking to The Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come, who’s played, ironically, by the ghost of anti-theist Christopher Hitchens. They come upon a large rock and sit, facing each other.
Scrooge: So what you’re saying is, now let me see I’ve got this right, you used to believe any concept of an afterlife was hog wash and totally untrue until one day you died and woke up as a ghost who takes sons of a bitches like me on tours of the future in order to knock empathy for others into them?
Ghost: Yep. That’s about the gist of it. How I’m doing so far?
Scrooge: You’ve got my attention. That’s for sure. But I don’t see how I’m responsible for the world being over run with, what did you call them, Sand People just because I’m self-absorbed and don’t care about the poor, the environment, or any religion besides the real one, Christianity. What did I do to the world?
Ghost: First of all, let’s be clear on one thing: Christianity and gods in general are nonsense and untrue. Don’t let the fact that I died and came back as a ghost for one minute lead you to forget I am an anti-theist and think the world would be far better off without religion of any kind. My “ghost-hood,” if you will, is a scientific phenomenon for which no explanation yet exists, as is my time traveling ability. But in time, science will have the answers to how these things are possible. You can bank on it. Now, let’s discuss why we’re here. The world turns into a piece of barren shit because you, Mr. Scrooge, invest in a giant worm hole making device which supposedly can pull gold dust out of interstellar space by the tons. You and a few other grouchy rich white guys spend billions financing the device, but when it comes on for the first time it doesn’t bring gold from space, it brings Sand People from Tatooine by the millions, and they take over the planet. Your greed not only ends future Christmases, Mr. Scrooge, it ends life on Earth as we know it.
Scrooge: Well, then, why didn’t you say that in the first place?! No one’s perfect, you know? So I’m sorry, sniffle, sniffle, for almost ruining the planet, OK? Now can I please go back to my time and my home? “The Voice” is on soon and I don’t want to miss it. And I promise not to invest in any wormhole making machines, but I’m still gonna be a grouchy old prick because, well, that’s just who I am.
Ghost: OK then, Mr. Scrooge, off we go. Can’t say I changed you very much, but at least the world will be Sand People free in the future. Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge. Merry Christmas.
Scrooge: And a Bah! Humbug Christmas to you, Ghost. Bah, Humbug!