Tag Archives: Ghost of Christmas Present

12.01.13
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TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Part 3

Scene: Early morning in Scrooge’s living room. Scrooge is seated on a recliner reading a copy of Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”  The Ghost of Christmas Present, played by George W. Bush, slowly comes crawling out from under a big couch holding a decimated french fry. Scrooge looks up from his book just as the Ghost stands up.

I'm Better Than You Because God Wants It That Way

I Know I’m Better Than You Because God Said So

Ghost: Well I’ll be a liberal’s gay uncle! All I found under there was a fry! I was told you had WMD’s hidden under there by The Ghost of Christmas Past. Guess I should’ve verified that before I went snooping around under another man’s couch.  Oh well, live and learn, eh? How are you Mr. Scrooge?

Scrooge: Not happy! Haven’t you ghosts ever heard of a damn door?  First the window entrance, and now this. And the only WMD I have here is the Bible, which gives me the moral justification to condemn and judge others as I deem fit. That, my friend, is a powerful weapon when combined with great wealth, a lack of empathy toward others, being male, and the blessing of having lily-white skin covering your bones.

Ghost: You have a point there, but, I’m here to see if there is any humanity left inside that crusty, nasty, shriveled  heart of yours. So, take my hand as I take you to neighborhoods and cities around the world where people are hungry, sick, and have no access to medical care.

Scrooge: OK, I’ll go, but if it’s a donation to some charity your after you can fuck yourself.  Prayer is all the poor need. That and to not to be so fucking poor all the time.

[A musical montage follows with Scrooge and the Ghost visiting about 75-80% of the places on our planet where humans live. Poor, sick, and starving children are seen as John Williams theme to “Superman” plays (That’s the only music I could get the rights to for this movie, so piss off if you don’t think it fits.) The music then slowly fades as the two characters return to Scrooge’s living room.]

Ghost: Well, Mr. Scrooge, how do you feel now about the state of the world and the people in it?

You Are One Hard As Stone SOB, Scrooge

You Are One Hard As Stone SOB, Scrooge

Scrooge: I have to take a massive piss, that’s how I feel. I had to since we were flying over Hong Kong but you were too damn busy pointing out poor people to pay any attention to me.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pee, pray, then read more of Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”  It’s helping me get better at smiling while I’m telling everyone that God favors me with money and privilege just because he likes me more than them.

Ghost: Wow. You are a friggin’ stone, sir, a real solid piece of emotional granite. Hopefully, the Ghost of Christmases Yet to Come can scare some empathy into you. He’s excellent at doing that.  He’ll be here tomorrow sometime.

Scrooge: Just tell him to use the god damn door when he gets here, alright?!

End scene 3.  To be continued.

12.01.13
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TACP’s “A Christmas Carol” Continues

Hi Y'all! I'm The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Hi Y’all! I’m The Ghost Of Christmas Present. I Appear In The Next Post

Here is more of the script to TACP’s production of  “A Christmas Carol”.   Left out of the credits by accident on the last post was that George W Bush is playing The Ghost of Christmas Present, and an Academy Award for sheer genius is all but signed, sealed, and delivered for this tear jerking, and poignant production.

Scene Two: Scrooge has been taken to the past by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  They are sitting in the back of an Evangelical Church listening to a preacher, played by Mitt Romney in the film,  pontificate on the meaning of Christmas to an 8-year-old Scrooge who listens spellbound to him after having asked the Preacher why Christmas is important.

Preacher: And, my son, it is without question that YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOREVER should you even THINK of questioning what I tell you.  JEESSUUSSS was born today because UUUUUUU!! were born EVIIIILLLL and full of SATAN! You are SOOOOO evil, my young doe-eyed 8-year-old boy, that Jesuuuss will have to be grotesquely tortured for an entire day, then be nailed to a cross, where he’ll suffer inexplicable agony for three hours before dying, in order for your dark, sick soul to have a chance at salvation. That is how sick and evil YOU are.  Hope that answers your question, son.  Have a Merry Christmas, Ebenezer. And say hello to your folks for me, OK?  [ The young boy walks out of frame with his head down and we cut to a close up on old Scrooge].

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Man, Scrooge Is Hard To Reach!

Scrooge: I thought Romney was a Mormon. What’s he doing playing a real Christian?

Ghost: That isn’t the point here, Mr. Scrooge. Didn’t you get the blatant, beat you over the head message of what you just witnessed?

Scrooge: That I was a smart ass kid who asked questions of his elders he should’ve already known the answers to?

Ghost: Man, this is gonna be harder than winning my second term in office was.  You are a tough nut to crack, sir.

Scrooge: Did you just call me a cracker?!

Ghost: Oh, cut it out, will you, already! Come on, Scrooge. Take my hand. I’m taking you back to the present.  Maybe my friend, The Ghost of Christmas Present, will have better luck getting through to you and helping you become less of a dick.

Scrooge:  Since I HAVE to hold your hand, I hope you don’t mind if I wear a mitten. [Scrooge pulls an enormous mitten out of his pocket and places it on his hand before taking the Ghost’s hand. The two then blink out of frame and we go to black.]

End scene two.  More to come.