Jesus Allows The Patriots To Win, Again

The Patriots: They Win Cause Of Jesus

MAGA Town, North Dakota.    Once again, as he has 6 times in the past, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ has allowed the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl.  The Pats, led by Christ-lover, Tom Brady, beat the L.A. Rams yesterday by the score of 13 to 3.   What can we, as Americans and Christians, learn from this event?  Well, we can learn this: without a deep belief in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and without repeated, heart-felt prayers to Jesus, it isn’t possible to win a Super Bowl, or any sporting event for that matter.   No matter what you may hear or believe, know that without the support of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Patriots would not have won yesterday.  Obviously, they prayed to him harder than the Rams did, and, also obviously, talent, consistency, and great play had nothing to do with their victory.  It is ONLY because Jesus WANTED them to win that they did.  It is also painfully obvious that Jesus did not want the Rams to win.  Or else they would’ve.  Simple.

See kiddies, it’s that easy.  Pray to Jesus.  Love him.  Worship him, and, if you do all those things correctly, you can win a Super Bowl.  Talent be damned!  Without Jesus, winning the Super Bowl isn’t possible.  Just ask the Rams who, today, should be holding their heads in shame and asking themselves, “What exactly did we do to piss off Jesus so much that he didn’t let us win?”  They didn’t pray as hard as the Patriots.  That is THE only acceptable and reasonable answer here.   Screw practice.  Screw talent.  Prayer to Jesus wins ball games.  Period.  If you think I’m wrong, just ask the Rams.  $Amen$

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God Abandons Patriots–Eagles Win Super Bowl

New England Patriots Fan Cries After God Allows Eagles To Win Super Bowl

Foxborough, Massachusetts.    New England Patriots fans are saddened today because God announced he favored the Eagles in last night’s Super Bowl, and that’s why they won.   “Yeah,” God said earlier, “the Patriots and their fans just didn’t pray hard enough for me to allow them to win this year.  The Eagles and the folks in Philly prayed and worshiped my ass SO much longer and harder I just couldn’t let them lose.  Lots of Catholics in Philadelphia, too, and that’s NEVER a bad thing. (My son’s a Catholic, FYI).  As well, the New England area is starting to crawl with atheists, and there’s no way in the Hell I created that I’m NOT gonna punish THAT sh*t–big time!   Of course, just to f**k with Patriots fans, I let the game stay close enough for Tom Brady to pull off one his miracle comebacks before making him fumble the ball so the Eagles could recover and score an additional field goal.  Ha, ha, ha!  That was a riot.  Brady’s a Trump supporter, too, and I HATE that guy, so there’s another reason I let the Eagles win.   Yeah, Tom wants to help Trump make America great again cause it’s been just so awful for him living in it.  Right, bite me.   Any-who, I gotta run.  There are a few famines and plagues I’m cooking up to smack Africa with and those take time to do right or they won’t kill and make enough people suffer.  We couldn’t let THAT happen now, could we?”