A Brief Word From Jesus

Jesus

Hey all, Jesus here.   Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia.   First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes.  I’m black and I’m proud, folks.  Get it right.  Please.   And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them?  Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK?  STOP IT!!!  Man, that sh*t disgusts me.   Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear?  You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me?  Cut it out, already.   Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine.   Is that too hard to do?

Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally.  ARE YOU NUTS?!  It’s 2017 for My Own sake!  Get a f**kin’ education.  Yeah, it’s hard.   Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it.  Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive.   It’s easier to live that way.  OK?  Now, bugger off.  It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.

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Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson To Star As Creationist, Ken Ham

The Rock As Ken Ham In Ken Ham: The Motion Picture

The Rock As Ken Ham In Ken Ham: The Motion Picture

Coming this July from TACP Productions, Ken Ham: The Motion Picture, starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as Ken Ham and Bryan Cranston as his nemesis, The Evil Atheist Infidel.

Bryan Cranston As An Evil Atheist Infidel

Bryan Cranston As The Evil Atheist Infidel

After seeing this movie, you will believe a grown man can be dumber than a doorknob and more cantankerous than an enraged baboon.  Follow the adventures of a muscle-bound creationist, Ken Ham, as he trumps across America attempting to cram his own personal take on Christianity up the anus of his arch-enemy, The Evil Atheist Infidel.  If you enjoy watching angry Christians with a distorted sense of reality crying about the injustices they endure because America is not a theocratic nation under their rule, then this is the movie for you.  See Ken Ham: The Motion Picture.  Jesus will love you for it.

Anthropologist Discovers Creationists Living Next To Homo Sapiens

Cave City, Kentucky.   Interesting news today comes to us from Anthropology Professor, Buddy Uptome of the University of Chicago.  “I was walking in a wooded area of Kentucky, not far from a town filled with your average Homo Sapiens, when I came across a building called, The Creationist Museum,” Professor Uptome said earlier.

Homo Sapiens

Average Homo Sapiens

“I went inside, out of curiosity, and found the place to be crawling with Young Earth Creationists, a species of hominid known as Homo Stupidous Ignoramous, long thought to be extinct.  This particular species of hominid has the same brain capacity and usage of its frontal lobes as regular Homo Sapiens.  However, members of this species exhibit a narcissistic, willful, ignorance when it comes to science and learning about the world around them.  Instead, this species of hominid deliberately chooses to believe the words of the Bible, a bronze age book which glorifies a homicidal, maniac of a god, are literally and undeniably true.   Members of this species can usually be identified by their arrogant and self-righteous attitude when speaking of the Bible, and their Abraham Lincoln-like beards.  (See photo below)

Homo Stupidous Ignoramous Can Easily Be Identified By Their Abraham Lincoln-Like Beards

Members Of Homo Stupidous Ignoramous Can Be Identified By Their Abraham Lincoln-Like Beards

It is my recommendation, as an anthropologist and an average Homo Sapien, that you stay out of the woods of Kentucky and avoid Homo Stupidous Ignoramous at all costs.  Its members are not only insulting to the intellect, they’re highly offensive in their deliberate attempts to convert you to their dangerously naive way of thinking.  Also, they smell bad.   These are things all normal, intelligent humans are better off without.”