To all my 5 billion world-wide readers and to all my friends at the Nobel Prize Committee, have a Merry God Damn Christmas and a Mother Effing Great New Year! $Amen$
Amazing City, Alabama. In stunning news today a chicken, owned by a farmer named Henry Yankmeoff, laid a duck, and not a chicken egg. “This is just shocking,” said Farmer Yankmeoff. Neither I, nor my chicken, have a bloody clue as to how such a miraculous thing could have happened, but this morning, at about 5AM, my chicken laid a duck’s egg. “This is truly miraculous.” When Farmer Yankmeoff was asked how he and his chicken knew that it was a duck egg and not a chicken egg that was laid, Farmer Yankmeoff replied,”Because the egg was laid quacked you silly goose!”
Here are few pics of Donald Trump that beg the question, “Is he a man, or a baby?”
Trump City, Russia. In a stunning development, a pile of MAGA hats yesterday attacked, and severely bruised, two liberals who were shopping at a local Target store. “It was awful,” said Bethany Bigbody, one of the liberals attacked. “My friend, Billy Tightcheeks, and I were at Target taking advantage of the Black Friday sales and talking about how much we missed Obama when an entire pile of MAGA hats leaped at us from a hat rack and shouted, ‘DOWN WITH LIBERAL SCUM!’ We were then covered in a sea of MAGA hats that repeatedly smashed their brims against our faces. It was utterly terrifying, and if not for the quick work of a store clerk who grabbed a huge trash bag and tossed the raging hats into it, I’m certain we would have been beaten unconscious or worse. Needless to say, my friend and I will be damned careful what we say from now on when stacks of MAGA hats are nearby.”
When The Armchair Pontificator contacted the Chinese manufacturer of MAGA hats, We Make ‘Em, You Buy ‘Em, for a comment on the violent, and sentient, nature of their hats, we were told to speak with Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who, when we did contact him, promptly threatened to sic a gross of MAGA hats on us if we didn’t stop asking questions. Therefor, we can only suggest, that if you are a liberal, be very careful what it is you say when passing by MAGA hats in stores. You may very well be beaten up if you aren’t.
Happy Thanksgiving from The Armchair Pontificator to all my readers on this glorious day of love, togetherness and thankfulness celebrated throughout America! And, please, no matter where you are in the world today, or who who are with, give someone a big, fat hug of thankfulness for me. It’ll make ya’ feel good. (As long as ya’ don’t get too handsy, that is.)
Quid Pro Quo City, Ukraine. In a shocking statement this morning Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced her plan to ask China to help Democrats win in 2020. “I mean, why the hell not,” said Speaker Pelosi. “President Trump and the GOP have been doing things like this for years. Hell, I doubt they could’ve won ANY election in the past 20 years without outside help. So, I figure, it’s about time we did the same thing to help keep the political playing field level. I was just on the phone with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, and promised him that if he can get us dirt on, and nude photos of, Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, we would gladly lift all tariffs on Chinese goods when we take over the Federal Government in 2021. He was more than happy to oblige me and even said, ‘What took you so long to call? We’ve been eager to help you guys cheat to catch up with the GOP for years now! Hee Haw! Time to kick some Republican ass!’ Needless to say, we Democrats are thrilled with this development and hope to use Chinese help to seriously bend the 2020 elections in our favor. Well, until then, God bless America. God bless Democracy, and God bless free, open, and fair elections.”
I have come up with some Nobel Prize winning thoughts on gun violence in America: what its causes are and how to best end it. I’m including these flawless thoughts in my platform as I run for the US Senate in 2020. I am the only solution to the problem that is a liberal-infested, media-haunted America. Anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and a libtard. Period.
The media should be required, under penalty of death, to report only what our government WANTS us to know. Turn each shooting into a “Candy Given Away To Hungry Kids” headline, and all will be well. Shootings will stop, and a happy bliss will fall over America. Hell, don’t cover ANY shootings and INCREASE the ease with which people can purchase weapons–THAT will surely solve the problem. To further my argument, let me list the following, true, causes of gun violence in America.
1.) Media coverage of shootings is, first and foremost, the main reason gun violence exists in America. Period. 2.) Video games. These, without a doubt, are making mass shooters out of our youth. There is NO argument against this that even begins to make sense. 3.) Comic books and violent films. Again, it is inarguable that THESE things are a MAJOR cause of mass shootings in America. Only sissified liberals argue differently. 4.) Media coverage of mass shootings. (I know, this is also reason one, but it is SO much a reason as to why these shootings happen, I felt I just HAD to mention it again. OK?) 5.) Liberals who are demanding stricter gun sales. These sissified, anti-American a-holes are a MASSIVE cause of mass shootings because they rouse trouble wherever they go by talking their leftist, commie bullshit. This enrages true Americans who then read comic books and play video games; this then leads them to use their otherwise safe semi-automatic weapons to kill hundreds. Science supports me on this, as does the internet. Look it up if you don’t believe me.
To conclude, there are few horrid things that happen in America today that aren’t caused by liberals, the media and their disgusting disregard for the truth the rest of us Christ-loving Americans are so proud of. Like Sally Field once said to Burt Reynolds, “Burt, if the media ignored libtards and mass shootings and only told us about the happier things in life, we’d have nothing to ever worry about.” Wiser words have never been spoken. Think about it: If you don’t hear about a blood-filled mass shooting that happened in a city across the country from you, did it really even happen?