The Media Is Out To Get Me

These Effing Sons O’ Bitches Are Out To Ruin Me

As anyone who reads this blog knows, several years ago I awarded myself a Nobel Prize because I felt I deserved it.  Ever since that time, I’ve been hounded and mocked by the Nobel Prize Committee simply because I demand they acknowledge my prize.   I prank call them; send dead skunks to their children’s schools, and send fire ant-filled pinatas to the nursing homes were their elderly parents live.  Yet, still, they refuse to acknowledge that I even exist.  Sure, they’ve had restraining orders taken out against me, but, so what?  I’m still out here, and I ain’t going away ’til I get my prize from them.   Recently, however, the media has become involved in the harassment I endure daily from the Nobel Prize Committee.

The media, I once thought, would be my friend against the Nobel Committee.  I sent letters to every major, and minor news outlet in the country to notify them of the great injustice I live with every day of my life.  Not one of them has responded or acknowledged I even exist.  This is ridiculous and cruel.  How many self-awarded Nobel Prize winners are there for Christ’s sake?  None but me that I can think of.  Is this not a major story for the media?  It should be.  But, because the Nobel Prize Committee has tainted my image with the media, I’m ignored by them.  This is abusive, unfair, and cruel.  The media are out to ruin my good name simply by ignoring the great things I’ve done and the great prizes I’ve awarded myself.  I’ll stand for it no more.  From this day forward, I’m declaring war on the media.  They are fake.  And, since they refuse to tout my greatness, everything they say and report about is fake.

My Arch Enemies. I Hate These Bastards.

I’ve got a letter in to Rudy Giuliani  demanding that he stop talking smack to the media about Robert Mueller and start talking smack to them about how unfair they’re being to me.  So far, he’s not responded to me.   He’d better , or I’ll send a porcupine to his New York office to stick quills in his butt.   My war on the media now joins my war on the Nobel Prize Committee, and it will continue unabated until I receive all the praise I’ve decided I deserve from both of them.  It’s gonna get ugly around here, folks.  So buckle up and enjoy the show.  It’s gonna be one you’ll never forget.  $Imperious Rex$

Advertisements

Alex Jones’ Craziest Video Yet

My good pal, John Zande, whose blog The Superstitious Naked Ape  is a must read for all sensible humans, once mentioned to me, “Conservatives are awful at humor but great at conspiracies.”  Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Alex Jones video below.  Jones is an Alt-Right conspiracy lunatic who is the craziest son of bitch I’ve ever seen.  I laughed so hard watching this video I didn’t pee a little, I peed a lot.  It isn’t meant to be funny, but, goddamnit, it is.  Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8TyLGoiUwg

Conspiracy Expert, Alex Jones Says September Isn’t Real

Right Wing Conspiracy Expert, Alex Jones

Right Wing Conspiracy Expert, Alex Jones

Land of the Iron Heads, Maryland.    Right wing conspiracy expert, Alex Jones announced today that the month of September isn’t real and is, instead, proof that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and singer Tom Jones are powerful, mind-controlling wizards who are trying to turn conservatives into hamsters.  “It’s true,” Mr. Jones said earlier.   “September is simply a smoke screen created by Obama, Clinton, and Tom Jones to confuse conservatives whilst they sneak up on us and use their powerful magic to turn us into Hamsters.”  When told that this theory made absolutely no sense, Jones replied, “Saying the theory makes no sense is the same thing as shouting out to the world, ‘I’m a liberal dog, and I want to see conservatives turned into hamsters!’ ”  When then asked to explain, if September isn’t real, then what month are we in right now, Jones retorted,  “Obviously, only liberal idiots don’t know we’re still in August, the only month of the year with 62 days.   Get with the program, or admit you’d like to see conservatives like me turned into hamsters.”   The interview ended with me agreeing that, yes, I would indeed like to see conservatives like Mr. Jones turned into hamsters.   Jones then threw some shredded hay he’d been nibbling on at me and exited the interview.

Ask Cryptic Kenny

Another new advice column from your pals at The Arm Chair Pontificator.

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I'm having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I've yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won't. My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers. I'm rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don't have much money to spend on a weapon. Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation? Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I’m having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I’ve yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won’t.  My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers in the head.  I’m rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don’t have much money to spend on a weapon.  Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation?   Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

 

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question. The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X. I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer. Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question.  The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X.  I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer.   Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny

My Public Announcement To The Illuminati

The following message was partly funded by: The Republican Committee To Eliminate Poor People By Killing Them

Dear Illuminati, may I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, please come work for you? I absolutely assure you that I can do anything Miley Cyrus can do as well or better than she can. I would love the fame and fortune your members have too. And I love that everyone seems to know who you are while insisting that you are a totally hidden and secret group. Friggin’ amazing how that works. I promise, too, if you hire me, to make La Toya Jackson suffer terribly for outing you as the killers of her traitor brother Micheal to the media. That rat!!!

My Very visible Illuminati Tattoo

My New Ass Tattoo

Oh, before I forget, I got this cool looking Illuminati symbol tattooed on my ass yesterday to prove my loyalty to whatever it is you guys actually do. So, please, secret Illuminati people, hire me to do evil for you. You won’t be sorry you did.

FBI Agent Reveals A Christian Conspiracy Has Taken Over America

Symbols Of The Christian Conspiracy Which Has Taken Over Our Country

Symbols Of The Christian Conspiracy Which Has Taken Over America

Dan U. Gotabjokin, special FBI agent in charge of conspiracy investigations, reported a startling discovery today. “Christians have infiltrated America at every level of our Government,” said Agent Gotabjokin. “The President, as well as almost every member of Congress, has been seduced by this homophobic, misogynistic belief system which practices ritualized cannibalism as its central ceremony. Vile doesn’t begin to describe the insipidness behind this powerful conspiracy which has ripped the laws of America out of the secular hands of normal men and women and placed them into the hands of little boy rapists and hate-filled homophobes who, like evil versions of Johnny Appleseed, have spread their seeds of hatred and contempt all across America.  These Christians have also conspired to, and received, a tax exempt status at all levels of Government simple because they espouse a belief in an invisible deity. How this has happened is beyond my feeble mind to comprehend, but I must say, I am sickened by it. And I am embarrassed to call myself an American today, for my America is not one that is governed by a hate-based faith like Christianity, but one that is governed by all the people, for all the people, all the time. Shame on you America for allowing this devil to invade your spine like this. Shame on you. And if gods do exist, may they have mercy on you if you ever stand before them. I sure as hell would not.”

Awesome Shit I’ve Done That No One’s Noticed

greatnessHere’s a list of some of the awesome, great shit I’ve done that no one’s noticed. In particular, the Nobel Prize Committee hasn’t noticed these things, at least not publicly, because they are prejudiced against me for my demanding a Nobel Prize from them. They are bastards for this, and I will continue to point out how nasty they are until they either give me my award or kill me. I won’t shut up otherwise. Well, that’s not true. If they gave me like, 7 million Euros, I’d shut up, but until then, I won’t. Here’s the list. I do hope you enjoy being awed by the great shit I’ve done.

1.) I visited Ancient Rome and no one cared. I was told it wasn’t there anymore. Really? I took a picture of it from the airplane I was on that PROVES it’s there!!! Can you spell, C O V E R  U P?

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

2.) I named myself Holy Roman Emperor but got my ass kicked when I charged the Vatican with a rubber sword demanding the Pope recognize me as such. Why? Am I not pretty enough? CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

3.) I met the aliens who built the Pyramids and got piss drunk with them one night in Valparaiso, Indiana. I even took pictures, and yet no one believes me. Assholes. They can deny all they want, but I KNOW the truth!!!!!

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

4.) I discovered the Higgs boson, like 30 years ago, but did anyone believe me? NO! They waited to give credit to other people just to piss me off! Bastards! Fucking bastards!!!!!

I Discovered The Higgs Boson

Higgs Boson Discovered By Me

5.) I’ve become a Sheikh named Pontificatius, the Unshaven, yet Muslims threaten to kill me whenever I demand they blindly follow whatever I say. Bastards!!!

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

That’s it for now folks. I’ll report later on more of the injustices I’ve suffered, and still suffer, at the hands of the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee for being the great person I am. They are SOOOOO jealous of me. Imperious Rex!