Spoiler Alerts For The Near Future

spoileralert

As many of the 700 million followers of this blog know, I’m able to see the future.  Therefor, I’ve decided to share with my readers a few spoilers of what’s soon to come.

1.)  Aquaman will drown because his ability to breath underwater will vanish on March 13th, 2018 while he’s collecting seashells in the deep Atlantic.

2.)  Bernie Sanders will convert to Catholicism and be named Pope on June 3rd, 2017.

3.)  Thomas Jefferson will return from the dead and tell Congress to go fuck itself for screwing up the Federal Government as badly as it has on January 19th, 2019.

4.)  Aliens from the Andromeda galaxy will arrive on Earth on December 2nd, 2020 to disassemble the pyramids in Egypt and to try pizza for the first time.

5.)  Citizens of Italy will wake up on July 22nd, 2019 speaking French instead of Italian.  Also, they will no longer remember how to make a decent lasagna.

6.)  Evangelical Christians will stop worrying about gay people and gay marriage and instead focus only on bettering themselves and solving their own, personal issues on…..Naw, I’m just fuckin’ with y’all.  We all know this will NEVER happen.

7.)  Santa Claus will shave his beard and reveal himself to be Brad Pitt on Christmas Eve, 2021.

8.)  And, lastly, for now, on April 23rd, 2017, Mickey and Minnie Mouse will announce they’ve just gotten married and are expecting a litter of nine to be born by the end of the month.

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22 thoughts on “Spoiler Alerts For The Near Future

  1. I’m shocked to hear about Minnie and Mickey. To think they were together all this time without making their relationship sacred!

  2. Great stuff. Reminds me of Johnny Carsons “Carnac The Magnificent!” Perhaps I have dated myself…

    #6 was hilarious.

  3. #5 is pure sacrilege! What the hell is the world coming to?

  4. Great predictions, and thanks for the laughs. To number 8, a good reminder to set up my mouse traps. I’ll use live traps, then hold the little buggers for ransom. Should I send my ransom notes to Disneyland or Disney world? More likely I’ll get stuck with ’em and have to start my own cartoon series, damn!

  5. Hilarious

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