Chicago, Illinois. A Chicago man today became deeply distraught when he was pooped on by a large bird while waiting for a bus. “It was horrible,” said the man in question, Jimmy John-John Muckinheimer The Third. “I was minding my own business, waiting for the bus, when suddenly, from outta nowhere, a big white bird flies over my head and relieves itself all over my left shoulder. The woman standing next to me almost passed out from shock as I screamed, ‘Oh my f-ing Lord, I’ve been shit on by a bird!’ After regaining somewhat of my composure, and assuring the woman I was unharmed, I called 911 to report the incident. I must say, the 911 operator seemed almost annoyed by my call but, he did send out a patrol car to check on the situation. I missed two buses while waiting for the police to arrive, but when they did, they helped me clean the poop off my shoulder with a wet-wipe, took down my statement, and told me they’d keep an eye out for the bird least the crazy beast shit on someone else. I gotta tell ya’, livin’ in a big city like Chicago has its advantages, but big-ass birds shittin’ on ya’ ain’t one of ’em.”
Chicago, Illinois. A group of savage, beast-like, Danish aborigines was spotted today terrorizing people in Downtown Chicago. “They were hideous,” said eyewitness William Handsonbutt. “I saw them as I was crossing the street near the Water Tower Place, and, when I made eye contact with them, they let out a wild yelp before making frightening gestures at me with their fingers. Their faces were covered in some sort of war paint and, by the horrid sound of their cries, I knew they were out for American blood. Luckily I was a sprinter for my high school sprinting team and, thus, was able to quickly run away before they could tear me limb from limb. I beseech anyone else who sees them to notify the authorities immediately and to stay as far away from these twisted, subhuman creatures as possible. Danish aborigines on the streets of Chicago. What’s next, Swedish aborigines in New York?”
Chicago, Illinois. A 76-year-old Chicago woman named Penelope Prickle is claiming she lost her mind this morning while using the restroom in a local Target store. “I’m not talking figuratively here,” Ms. Prickle said earlier. “I went to the restroom at Target, and when I came out, I immediately noticed my head felt about 3 pounds lighter than when I went in. I instantly knew I’d literally lost my mind, aka, my brain, somewhere in that restroom. This has happened to me before. Once, while at a Cubs game, I noticed my mind had slipped from my head. Luckily, it had fallen into the lap of the guy sitting next to me, and he returned it. This time, however, I’ve been unable to locate it. I looked everywhere in that bathroom, and I can’t find it. I’m starting to wonder if it didn’t fall into the toilet whilst I was wiping myself, and I inadvertently flushed it away. I’m hoping that’s not the case and a cleaning person finds it and returns it to lost and found. It’s hard walking around without a mind. If anyone comes across it, please email me at email@example.com and I’ll come get it. Thanks, and have a pleasant day.”
Chicago, Illinois. In news that is as shocking as it is untrue, packs of hooligan toddlers have been terrorizing the streets of Chicago by bullying, robbing, and verbally insulting all who get in their path. “It’s brutality the likes of which I’ve not seen in my 25 years on the force,” said Chicago Detective, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. “These toddlers have respect for no one. Just today, two of them knocked over an 87-year-old woman and stole her purse. Then they called her a ninny because she had no candy in it. Oh, the humanity! They think that because they are all under six years of age that the law simply does not apply to them. Well, let me tell you, it does.
They will all be caught soon. I guarantee it. And each and everyone one of these hoodlums will be placed into an appropriate preschool where they will not only be taught to respect their elders, they’ll be properly potty trained. They’ve developed the idea that public sidewalks are their own private toilets. That’s not only unsightly, it’s unsanitary. It ends soon, you punks. So, if you are reading this, know your days of terror are at an end. I’m coming for you with a one way ticket to preschool and several boxes of diapers. You can run, but not for long. Your legs are too short.”
Lazarus, the friend Jesus resurrected from the dead before abandoning him forever, and Job, God’s favorite whipping boy, have joined forces in opening a Jewish Style Deli, with a unique twist, in Chicago. “We’ve been planning to do this for about 100 years,” said Lazarus, “but with Job’s chronic battles with morphine and my repeated attempts to find the right Broadway musical to fit my enormous talents, we just haven’t gotten around to it til now. Because of who we are, our deli will be unique in ways others could never hope to be. For example, with each purchase of matzo ball soup, customers will receive a lock of hair from their favorite Biblical character. Job and I have no problem with clubbing ANYONE in the Judeo-Christian Bible over the head and cutting off a large clump of hair, and scalp, too, if so desired, in order to please our customers. I’ve always felt a nice, bloody clump of hair next to your matzo ball soup made it somehow taste better. And if you want that hair to come from, say, Jesus, Mary, or Joseph, all ya gotta do is ask. Job and I are pretty fuckin’ pissed about how the Almighty and his son treated us back in the day, see. So clubbing Biblical characters over the head is something we love doing. If our customers can benefit from our rage, well, that’s just hunky-dory then, ain’t it? We’ll be open in about a week, so if you’re in town, please stop by and see us. Your taste buds will be glad you did.”
Greetings. I’m Dick Boikins, your weather conspiracy forecaster here at TACP presses. I’m here to give you the REAL forecast for the weather you think you are experiencing. What do I mean by this, my poor brain-washed friends? Let me explain. For the past few days, local weather forecasters in Chicago have been telling people it’s sunny and pleasant there with temps in the low 70’s. Yeah, right. And I suppose Miley Cyrus ISN’T a member of the Illuminati helping pave the way for Barrack Obama to reveal his true identity as the anti-Christ either.
Idiots! Blind idiots. That’s what you are if you actually BELIEVE the lies that emanate from weather forecasting conspirators who tell you it’s pleasant and sunny outside. Fools! Do you actually trust your senses? Do you think that just because it IS sunny and pleasant outside that it truly IS sunny and pleasant outside? Idiots! You’re mere puppets to the Illuminati if you trust only that which can be proven and fail to believe that which can not. You must open your eyes and have faith in the only truth there really is: no evidence is true evidence. Thus, in reality, it isn’t sunny and pleasant in Chicago. No. It’s hot there, very hot; as is every place else on Earth. That’s how the anti-Christ wants it to be. This is the only truth there is. And it is your inability to see this truth that makes it true. So WAKE UP or die. The choice is yours. I’m Dick Boikins, and that’s the weather. The REAL weather.
Dark Matter filed a racial discrimination suit today against the Chicago Transit Authority claiming it’s bus drivers consistently refuse it entry to their buses due to it being Dark, and not White, Matter. CTA spokesman, David Dicka’man denies this, and claims it is fear, not color, that’s keeping CTA bus drivers from letting Dark Matter on the bus. “They’re terrified that Dark Matter will vaporize any bus it enters as it expands outward, toward infinity, with ever-increasing speeds, as is its nature,” Mr. Dicka’man said.
“That’s total bullshit!” Dark Matter retorted, when told of Mr. Dicka’man’s statement. “Those stories about me bein’ some kinda’ super-fast, expanding, unknown something or other are not true, and they know it. My doctor sent a registered letter verifying this to the CTA months ago. I’m not allowed on those buses for one reason only: I’m black. And THAT is mother-fucking THAT! If I were White Matter and not Dark, we would not be having this discussion right now. They’re concerned a bus could be vaporized if I rode it? What kind of racist bullshit is that?! Fucking cracker-ass CTA can eat my black, Dark Matter, fat, dimpled ass. This is 2014 Chicago, not 1955 Birmingham. They ain’t doin’ shit like this and gettin’ away with it. I’ve got some excellent lawyers workin’ on this, and I’m gonna sue the ‘A’ right off the CTA. Racist mother fuckers. Terrified I’m gonna vaporize a bus, eh? They need to be more terrified of the amount of money I’m gonna vaporize from their bank account. Bastards!”