QAnon Village, Ohio. Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three. “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes. We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him. We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes. Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager. He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too. We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way. So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal. You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city. See you soon. And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”
Trenton, New Jersey. Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass. “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue. We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage. What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them? What need has a slave for health insurance? If one gets sick or dies, so what. You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.
There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay. With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want. And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want. The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery. Nothing good has come of it. The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough. It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.
Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”
Fuck The Poor City, New Jersey. Speaker of the House, Republican Paul Ryan, stated today that, as Republicans destroy Obama Care, it’s far cheaper to simply send the poor, the disabled, injured war veterans, and the elderly into gas chambers and kill them than it is to give them health insurance. “Look,” said Paul Ryan earlier, “who the fuck gives a shit about disabled people, poor folk, war vets, and the elderly? I sure as fuck don’t. So why, in the name of welfare for the wealthy, should we give these useless pieces of shit health insurance? Fuck that. The wealthiest of Americans need tax breaks and handouts from the Government in order to ensure their sense of superiority over war vets, elderly folk, the disabled, and the poor. This is America, a land founded by the rich, for the rich, in 1952. Fuck you if you think otherwise. Christ, we Republicans are so good at mind-fucking the average American, we actually get most of them to vote for us every time there’s an election thinking we’re actually gonna help ’em. Ha, ha, ha! Idiots. God bless America, and God bless the richest of Americans. The poorest and the most disabled of Americans are doomed for gas chambers and cremation. That’s how Jesus wants it, and God dammit, that’s how Republicans want it. $Amen$”