Nazi Land, USA. Donald Trump today said that Adolf Hitler had a perfectly valid point in his desire to kill every living Jew and become ruler of the Western world. “All sides that were involved in WW2 did awful things,” Trump said earlier. “The Allies bombed the f**k out of Berlin for years. Was that nice? Should Hitler have simply accepted what was happening, or should he have fought back? For Christ’s sake, the Allies INVADED Hitler’s country in order to bomb it! How is that OK? It isn’t. All sides involved in WW2 are equally responsible for the horrors of that war. It saddens me that more God-fearing Americans do not see this. Well, at least my sycophants in the Republican Party do. I thank Jesus for them every day. They put me where I am, and, for the most part, they love and support me and all I do. God bless ’em. And God bless the poor, and sadly misunderstood, white supremacists who are my staunchest supporters. With their strength, and God’s love, I can’t help but make America great again. Seig Heil, and Amen!”
Buttville, Mississippi. The Justice Department announced today that a special proctologist, Dr. Phil Meholeup, has been appointed to closely exam America’s anus after the pounding it has been taking from Trump and the GOP over the past several months. “I’ve already found multiple tears and fractures along the civil liberties and democratic parts of America’s anus,” Dr. Meholeup said this morning. “The anal cavity of America has never in its existence been as powerfully and consistently violated as it has been by Donald Trump and the GOP in recent months. The lack of ANY form of lubricant being used has also added to the damage Trump and the GOP are doing to America, its anus, and its democracy.
I’ve also found much evidence of Russian penetration into the anus of America. The GOP Loves Russia banners and video tapes of Trump kissing Putin’s ass are scattered throughout America’s anal cavity like polyps on the colon of a 75-year-old cancer patient. The tears along the lining of America’s rectal walls being caused by this horrid violation may become too severe to heal if we don’t find a way to stop it soon. So, for all those who love America, liberty and democracy, please write to your representatives in Congress and demand they immediately find a way to stop Trump, the GOP, and their Russian masters from continuing their rampage up the anus of our country. If they don’t, America will soon have no anus left to be violated.”
Trenton, New Jersey. Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass. “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue. We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage. What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them? What need has a slave for health insurance? If one gets sick or dies, so what. You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.
There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay. With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want. And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want. The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery. Nothing good has come of it. The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough. It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.
Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”
Genital City, Rome. The Juno probe today sent back pictures from the surface of Jupiter that are sure to aggravate Christians, Muslims, and GOP members everywhere. Apparently Jupiter, which was thought of as a planet inhospitable to human life and consisting primarily of gas, has colonies of naked white people living on it on what appears to be really nice beaches. “This is quite the surprise,” Nigel Stiffy, NASA spokesman, said this morning. “We here at NASA almost blew our loads when Juno sent us back images of naked white people frolicking on the beaches of Jupiter. These naked white people all seem to have rock hard abs, amazingly muscular buttocks, and fantastically developed genitalia. I’m going home now to study these images more closely in the privacy of my bedroom. When my investigation has reached its climax, I’ll report on my findings. This is truly a monumental moment in the history of mankind. We’ve proven human life exists on worlds other than our own, and that it is white and naked. This is utterly astounding and, if I must say so myself, quite friggin’ sexy.”
Donald and Melania Trump: classy, honest, highly intelligent, deeply conservative, proudly Christian, and the new image of the GOP. And to think, Republicans once trashed Michelle Obama for wearing a sleeveless dress. Way to go guys. Way to go.
Alberta, Canada. Canadian Citizen and Republican Presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, today said he had a powerful vision last night that ensured him he would not only become President of America in 2016, but Emperor of the world as well. “I was sitting in my 60 million dollar mansion, contemplating ways to efficiently kill poor people, gays, and liberals,” Mr. Cruz said, “when the GOP logo appeared and spoke to me. Here’s what it said.
Greetings, my Canadian, conservative, filthy rich friend. I’ve come to you to let you know, that because I’ve come to you, you now have the right to kill anyone who doesn’t think I actually came to you. Also, I’ve come to tell you, that because I’ve come to you, you will not only win the Presidency in 2016, you will conquer the world and become its first Emperor as well. To do this, you must use your vast riches to purchase a few hundred military drones, arm them with nuclear missiles, paint the GOP logo on them, and send them to annihilate the poorest countries of the world and all the gay neighborhoods in the U.S. Once you show the world and America what you’re all about, they’ll have no choice but to name you President and Emperor of the World. By this sign, my Canadian friend, you will conquer.
After that, the GOP logo vanished, and I started buying drones and nuclear missiles to conquer the world. Like it or not, I will be President and Emperor of the World in 2016. The GOP logo told me so.”