10 Quotes From Albert, The Alt-Right Internet Troll

Albert, The Alt-Right Internet Troll

1.)  A new study shows that one in three liberals are just as stupid as the other two.

2.) Only a f$$kin’ cuck would say Trump isn’t awesome.  So if you don’t like Trump, you’re a cuck.  (Now could someone please explain to me what a “cuck” is?)

3.) Obama is a shape-shifting lizard alien who’s come here to team up with Hitlerly Clinton to destroy ‘Merica!  He’s a cuck, too, and she had email issues.  The crook.

4.) F$$ckin’ snowflake, cuck, liberal, mother f$$kers are a f$$kin’ plague and should all be killed with big guns so ‘Merica can be safe again for Jesus-lovin’ Christians like me.  I’m SICK of being persecuted by cucks!

5.) SJW’s are attacking true ‘Mericans like me every second of every day.  They hound us; they call us mean names, and they refuse to let us express our opinions openly.  They’re all a bunch of cucks, fags, snowflakes, and c$nts.  Oh, and they suck.

6.) Trump has already made ‘Merica great again by giving everyone good health care and by making the coal industry boom again.  I know this isn’t fake news because Trump said it’s true.

7.) Mexicans are all rapists and here illegally.  They also have brown skin.  Real ‘Mericans are white.  This is a fact.  Deal with it you f$$kin’, cuck, liberal, snow-flake, hate-filled, mother-f$$ckin’ liberals.

8.) Obama is planning to take over ‘Merica with an army of wire-tapping, liberals, sissies, women and fags.   There is SO much evidence for this that it’s sickening.  The liberal, Jewish media is covering this up.   I f$$kin’ HATE the liberal, Jewish media.  They’re SO rude and insulting to decent people like me.

9.) You know what’s scary?  Right now trillions of ISIS members are pouring into ‘Merica cause some stupid, f$$kin’ judge blocked Trump’s Muslim ban.  Millions of innocent children are killed every f$$kin’ day ’cause of this.  Millions.  Most of the children in Ohio were killed last night by Muslim terrorists.  And has the liberal media reported on this?  No.  You all must get your real news from people like me, anonymous, right-wing, internet trolls.  What the f$$k does that tell you ’bout that state of ‘Merica?

10.) F$$k!  My moms comin’.  I gotta go or my ass is grass.  I was grounded from using the internet indefinitely last week for lookin’ at online porn.   F$$k off now, you snowflake, cuck, liberal faggots!

 

 

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Santa Joins The Tea Party Then Fires Half His Staff

In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America.  He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated.  President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that.  It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did.  It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.

So I'm A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

So I’m A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping.  Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too.  Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas.  Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing.  People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’  Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich!  God bless America! I fucking love you!”

Who Said Dat? A New Game For Readers Of TACP

Here’s a new game I created for TACP readers that has no intellectual merit to it at all and thus is quite proper for this blog. It’s called, “Who Said Dat?” and here’s how it works: I’ll write a phrase or saying, and below it list a few choices for who or what might have said it. Remember, some questions may have more than one proper answer. Make sense? OK then, here we go.

Jeff Foxworthy Asks: Who Said Dat?

Jeff Foxworthy Asks: Who Said Dat?

  1. I ordered bagels! Not matzo ball soup, you damn smuck!  Who Said Dat? A.) Yoda  B.) Muhammad  C.) Moses  D.) Mary Poppins
  2. I found an infidel behind a trash can praying the Rosary and I blew him up. Who Said Dat?  A.) Jesus  B.) Dr. Seuss  C.)  Batman  D.) A Muslim Jihadist

  3. I told them to do just the opposite, but many of my followers hate gay people. Who Said Dat? A.) Donny and Marie  B.) Barrack Obama  C.) Jesus  D.) Thor

  4. I want a fuckin’ Nobel Prize, and I’ll hound the Nobel Committee til they give me one! Who Said Dat? A.) Martin Luther  B.) TACP  C.) Mother Theresa  D.) Michael Jackson

  5. If caught raping little boys, simply say you’re sorry and you promise not to do it again if moved to an undisclosed parish where no one knows what you’ve done. Who Said Dat? A.) A Catholic Rapist Priest  B.) Davey Jones of the Monkees  C.) Ringo Starr  D.) Hilary Clinton

  6. Mind if I marry and fuck your 11-year-old daughter? Who Said Dat? A.) Muhammad  B.) Mickey Mouse  C.) Spanky from the Little Rascals  D.)  The Virgin Mary

  7. I saw a Jew poisoning your well last night. Let’s find him and kill him. Who Said Dat? A.) A Medieval Christian  B.) An 18th Century Christian  C.) A 21st Century Christian  D.) All of the above.

  8. The Earth is only 6000 years old and Genesis is 100% accurate. Who Said Dat? A.) An idiot  B.) A really BIG idiot  C.)  A guy who doesn’t get out much  D.) Ken Ham

  9. COOKIE!!!! Who Said Dat? A.) The Shadow  B.) Jesus  C.) Spiderman  D.) The Cookie Monster

'Nuff Said

‘Nuff Said

10.) Christian babies taste very good boiled. Who Said Dat? A.) An a-theist  B.) Mighty Mouse  C.) The Jew from question 7 who was poisoning the well.  D.) Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter

TACP’S Top Ten 2014 Predictions

I Predict That.......

I Predict That…….

Forgot to do this earlier in the week, but I predicted last year that this would happen, so it simply adds to my confirmation bias that I’m an infallible genius because I said so. Anyway, I am an excellent psychic because I am a man of Faith. The one true Faith: Mine. Here are my predictions for 2014 which will happen, and if they don’t, I’ll say they did anyway and those who doubt me will be dubbed Faithless, a-theist bastards. And all Faithless, a-theist bastards will be burned at the stake for doubting me. Faith, my friends, is all you need.

  1. The President will chastise the Nobel Prize Committee for not yet awarding me my Nobel Prize. He will then give me my own drone to intimidate them with until they do.

  2. Ken Ham will kick Bill Nye’s ass during their debate forcing the ghost of Christopher Hitchens to return from the dead and drag Ken Ham back with him into Hell.

  3. PZ Myers will be outed as a clown school drop out who’s only major accomplishment in life was to learn his ABC’s correctly way back in the 1st grade.

  4. Tea Party members will continue to be rich, white, Christian, and irritating. However, those in the party owning guns, will all accidentally shoot themselves in the right foot during a routine barrel cleaning and proclaim, “Good God! Liberals have rigged my weapon to attack me somehow!”

  5. Man-induced global warming will continue to increase until new strands of flesh-eating bacteria all but wipe out humanity. This will induce Republicans to proclaim,” Good God! Liberals have created new strands of flesh-eating bacteria and released them on us!”

  6. Mitt Romney will still be pissed off about the election he lost to a black man.

  7. Little boy Catholic priest rapists will be accused of embezzling funds from the Vatican bank prompting authorities to finally admit there is a definite problem in the Catholic Church with little boy priest rapists.

  8. Sarah Palin will be abducted by a Yeti in Alaska and disappear for 9 months. When found, it will be learned she has become the proud mother of Yeti twins, a boy and a girl.

  9. Jesus will return to Earth and slap the shit out of Christian religious leaders; he’ll then return to Heaven without once having uttered a single word.

  10. Theology will be banned as an academic study and those seeking to study it will be placed in an empty, pitch-black room and told if they can find the raccoon in it, they can get some candy and go to heaven.

Obama Sends Secret Weapon, Miley Cyrus, To Fuck With Syria

President Obama today said too much time had been wasted on debates about whether or not we should launch a military strike against Syria for its recent use of chemical weapons. “It’s time to hit those bastards hard for using that weapon. It caused great pain and suffering to those struck by it.” The President said. “So I’ve decided to deploy a secret pain inducing weapon of our own to Syria to show its leaders exactly what unfair, nasty, ugly warfare is like. Secret weapon, Miley Cyrus, will enter Syria and wag her tongue at every Syrian Official she finds. She will then gyrate her skinny ass in their faces while she sings every song in her catalog over and over and over again. Psychologists have determined no human mind can tolerate more than 30 minutes of this treatment without suffering a complete and irreversible psychic collapse. After Ms. Cyrus is finished with Syria, I absolutely fucking guarantee you they’ll never use a chemical weapon again.”

Obama Tells Syria, I'm Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!

Obama Tells Syria, I’m Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!

Miley Cyrus Says, I'm Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria's Ass

Miley Cyrus Says, I’m Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria’s Ass