Sara Tinsel, Christmas Elf
Santa’s Village, North Pole. An elf named Sara Tinsel is claiming Santa has been sexually harassing her and many other elves for years. “It’s terrible,” Ms Tinsel said earlier. “Santa just started rubbing my shoulders late one night as I worked alone in his toy shop about 15 Christmases ago. He said I looked tense and cold and that his big, gloved hands were just the things to loosen and warm me up. He placed his mouth so close to my pointed ears when he said this I could smell the cinnamon on his breath. I asked him to please stop, and, at first, he did. But, then, just this last Christmas, he walked into the toy workshop wearing nothing but his red hat and his black boots while several of us elves were putting together Malibu Barbie play sets. His snowballs were completely in view for all to see. He walked around, checked our work, smiled, and then left without saying a word.
Most of my fellow elves have been afraid to speak out about this because, should we lose our jobs, it would be almost impossible for us to find new ones. Who’s going to hire a bunch of three-foot, pointy-eared elves whose only skills involve toy-making and reindeer care? Not anyone that I can think of. However, I’ve had enough, and I’m reporting this in the hope that Santa becomes SO embarrassed by his actions that he ceases them immediately. I hope it works. He’s a great guy when it comes to giving kids toys, but that does not give him the right to treat us elves as his personal sex kittens. And, if he does not stop, we will be filing a class action sexual harassment suit against him to make him stop. Hope you all find time this season to have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed, harassment free, new year. “
Big Building City, New York. Santa Claus was arrested today on charges of public indecency and possession of marijuana outside Macy’s Dept Store in New York. “I’m deeply embarrassed by my behavior,” Santa said earlier. “I’ve been under tremendous stress because of the atheist war on Christmas which takes place at this time every year. Last year, Rudolph was shot through his back left hoof by an atheist drone while we were flying over Chicago delivering toys to Christian kids on Christmas Eve night. We’re both still suffering from PTSD because of it. I find that the only way I can deal with it is to strip down to my underwear, fire up a big ass pipe full of weed and dance in the streets while smoking it. I’m awfully sorry to all the Christian kids I’ve let down by my behavior. I just wish these damn atheists would stop trying to kill me every Christmas. It is, as this incident proves, causing me great emotional distress.”
The Rabbi Santa Clausenberg
“Not only am I a Jew,” Santa said today, “I’m a Rabbi, too. I know this will, in all likelihood, get the panties of Christendom rolled up into a bunch, but I could stay silent no more. You see, I happen to love kids, and I love giving them gifts to make them happy even more. So, back when Christmas first came along, I saw it as a great opportunity to make a lot of Christian kids happy too, not just the Jewish kids I secretly gave dradles to during Hanukkah. I had a perfectly good toy-making shop in the North Pole that my great Uncle Saul left me, and I decided to put it to good use making toys. I’ve always been popular with the Elves who live in the North Pole, so I hired a few dozen of them to help me out, and we’ve been cranking out toys ever since. Christians just always assumed I must be a Christian because I give out toys at Christmas time, but I’m not. I stayed silent because, well, Christians can be quite the anti-Semitic bigots at times, and I just didn’t want to deal with it. But, enough is enough. I’m Santa. I’m Jewish. And I’m a Rabbi. If anyone isn’t good with that, too bad. Deal with it. I gotta go know. There’s only six weeks til Christmas, and I’ve a sh*t load of work to do before then. Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Merry Christmas to all!”
Santa Looking Over Names Of Poor And Dying Kids
Christmas will not be coming this year for terminally ill and poor children. Santa and Jesus have cancelled it. But just for them.
Christmas Has Been Cancelled For All Poor And Dying Kids. Amen
“Santa and I decided,” Jesus said, “that since dying kids have no need for gifts, and poor kid’s parents can’t afford to buy gifts, such children really have no right to be celebrating Christmas anyway. I mean, who’s bloody fault is it that so many kids are poor? Mine? Santa’s? Fuck no! God, my father, gave each person his or her own free will. If some parents are too lazy to apply theirs to getting themselves, and their children, out of poverty, I sure as hell am NOT going to feel bad about it. And if a kid is dying, why be so cruel as to let him celebrate Christmas and allow him to have a glimmer of hope that surely will die, just like he will, in only a few short weeks? Naw. Better to cancel Christmas for these kids and focus on healthier, wealthier human beings and their little brats. THOSE kids actually deserve our efforts and will appreciate them much more than half-dead, barely conscious ones, and ones who go to bed hungry every night because their parents are just too damn lazy to get a job to support them.”