Washington, D.C. In one of his final acts as President, Barack Obama today revoked the Second Amendment and banned all private ownership of firearms. In addition, President Obama said he will use every branch of the U.S. Military to remove every gun from every household in America starting tomorrow at 6AM EST. Anyone failing to comply with this Presidential decree will be summarily executed on the spot. Anyone attempting to hide a gun or guns, will be summarily executed on the spot. Lastly, anyone complaining about any of this will be summarily executed on the spot. Thanks for your time, and may God bless America.
No, this is not a satirical piece, it’s real. This man belongs in a mental institution. This is not a political campaign, it’s a hate-filled, disgusting freak show. Check these articles out: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-clinton-shoot_us_57aa2f6de4b0ba7ed23dd652
Idjit City, Wisconsin. Terrorism opinionist and NRA member, Guy Gonad, today said the horrific terror attack which took the lives of 84 people in Nice, France yesterday could have been avoided had everyone in the crowd been in a truck rather than walking about freely. “Come on, man, it’s so friggin’ obvious,” Mr. Gonad said earlier. “It’s a lot damn harder for a terrorist to kill people with a truck if everyone is in a truck themselves. We here in a America don’t have terrorists killing people with trucks because we have a little piece of literature known as the Second Amendment. It gives us the right to keep and bear trucks, arms, Volkswagens, and anything else we deem is necessary, to protect ourselves from Islamic terrorists, Barrack Obama, and liberals. What kind of crazy country sends its people out to a celebratory event like Bastille Day without first being certain each of them is safely in a truck of their own? One that’s far too liberal-minded and dandified, if ya ask me. The only safe populace is a populace that’s in trucks. That’s what George Washington implied when he wrote the Second Amendment, and who in the hell are we to argue with him?”
NRA City, California. The lord God of the USA, the NRA, today released a statement regarding the recent horrid ISIS attack on an Istanbul airport. “The problem with the attack today in Istanbul,” said NRA spokeswoman, I’neda Soul, “is that all of the people in the airport weren’t armed with guns. In America, we have the Second Amendment which allows our citizens to carry guns, like the AR-15, with them at all times. This is why terrorist activity and gun related deaths in the US are almost non-existent. We’re free here, in America, because we’re all armed. Once the rest of the world learns the value of a seriously armed populace, things like this bombing in Istanbul will cease to exist. We here in America will pray to Jesus for those who lost their lives in this preventable, Istanbul, tragedy, and we’ll also pray that people across the globe understand the value of placing guns into the hands of every man, woman and child on the planet. Until then, remember these words of Donald Trump, a god amongst men: “A free America, and a free world, is one were the Mexicans remain behind a big fuckin’ wall and everyone who isn’t Muslim is armed to the gills with death-dealing weapons. Amen”
Bloodbath City, Idaho. Celebrate the Second Amendment and Freedom with the NRA this Fourth of July as they give out free guns to every American over the age of 5. “We at da NRA are proud ta be ‘Mericans,” said NRA spokesman, Shot’em Inda ‘Ead this morning. “So proud, in fact, dat we’ll be givin’ out guns ta everyone over 5 years ‘o age dis Fourth ‘o July at Christian churches all ‘cross ‘Merica! Der ain’t no better way ta be free dan fer everyone over 5 ta be armed wit guns. No better way ta keep our womenz from bein’ raped ‘n beaten by Obama dan ta be armed! Armed iz free! Free iz armed! ‘N only glorified sissies ‘n terrorists tink odderwize. So, dat’s dat. Go ta yer friggin’ neighborhood Christian church on da Fourth, git yer free gun, ‘n kill a terrorist in celebration ov God, da Second Amendment, ‘n, most ‘portantly, FREEDOM!!! Amen.”
Orlando, Florida. Once again, in America, an armed gunman has killed innocent people for whatever insane reason he felt he had to. 50 people were killed in Orlando last night. 50 human beings who were alive at this time yesterday morning are now dead due to the actions of one armed lunatic. The reason why this happened, and/or why he did it, is not the purpose of this post. Instead, I wish to address a partial, if not total, solution to this horrid problem in our society: Guns. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. I’m not going to rant about the dangers and evils of guns. I’m going to do something unexpected here and say, that in total honesty, I agree with Donald Trump’s position on an armed populace. (Check out this CNN piece on Trump and the shootings in Paris last November to see what I’m talking about:http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/14/politics/paris-terror-attacks-donald-trump-guns/)
If every citizen in that nightclub last night were armed, this tragedy would have been greatly reduced, if not completely prevented. Let’s envision it, shall we. A man comes into a nightclub, takes out an automated weapon and starts to shoot. Several people are hit, BUT, then, EVERY person in the club pulls out a weapon and fires at the gunman! BANG! BANG, mother fucker! You’re dead. A few people may be killed or hurt at first, but clearly it would not be 50. AND, if every person in America were armed, and EVERY nut-job who’s planning some crazed killing spree were aware of it, maybe, just maybe, they’d have second thoughts about going through with it.
Therefor, I’m modestly proposing that Trump’s first act as Commander and Chief be to pass a law making it mandatory for every man, woman and child in America to carry a loaded gun. This is not a crazed, ridiculous statement I’m making. It’s the quickest, easiest solution to acts of terrorism on American soil. Here’s what this law will say. Every child born in America will be given a loaded weapon upon leaving the hospital with their mothers, and, beginning in kindergarten, each child will be trained to use that gun as if it were a part of their very being. They’ll be taught to shoot first and ask questions later if they spot armed terrorists or armed crazy people in crowded, public places. In addition, every adult born before this law becomes active will now be required to carry an armed weapon at all times. To be caught without one will result in severe financial penalties as well as up to 6 months in prison. This law will make crazy people, religious extremists, whacked-out bigots, and all others wishing to harm others with loaded weapons go to another country to carry out their hateful acts. America will be safe once more, and, more importantly, it will be truly free for the first time in its history.
In conclusion, please remember what Jesus said to Peter during the Last Supper: “Peter, I’m gonna say this once to you, and only once. An armed populace is a safe populace. Now, hand me the lamb, I’m starved.”
LaRifle Town, Texas. Executive Vice President of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, said today he loves guns SO much he often carries up to 40 of them at a time in the gaping hole he calls his mouth. “I need never worry about black teens in hoodies, or black Presidents in business suits,” LaPierre said earlier, “because I can, and almost always do, carry upwards of 40 guns in my mouth whenever I leave my home. If a brown or black-skinned som’bitch fucks with me, I’ll spit out a gun or 4 and blast their dark asses back to the stone age. I’m NOT a man to be fucked with. So don’t fuck with me or my big-ass gun-toting mouth, ya’hear?”